


Hold your horses, Cowboy!

by PlatypussGirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, DeanCas - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, F/M, Horses, M/M, Supernatural - Freeform, all the drama, but happy ending so don't worry, cowboy, horse, horse ranch, model!castiel, seriously all the drama omfg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-15
Updated: 2016-05-27
Packaged: 2018-04-09 13:31:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 21
Words: 108,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4350644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PlatypussGirl/pseuds/PlatypussGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel is 21 when he escapes from an abusive relationship and flees to the Kansas country side to work at the Winchester horse ranch where he meets Dean, the oldest son of the Winchester family.<br/>Although Dean feels extremely attracted to the new stable boy, he denies his feelings and shuts him out. Until Castiel ends up in the hospital after an accident with one of the stallions.</p><p>This story is about overcoming fear, trauma and how love will always find a way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The great escape

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to my spiritual sister and super editor Kaela for keeping me sharp and motivated! I love you!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _updated 5-5-2016_

Of course he had decided to lock all the doors and seal the windows.  
Castiel’s heart was beating in his throat and he had trouble breathing but today he would get out. Today he would escape.

The roaring sound of the car engine slowly died away as Malcom drove out of the street.

Castiel looked around, his eyes quickly glancing over his bags. A big old duffle bag he had found in the attic and a wornout backpack that was laying around in the closet.  
He had packed as little as possible. The less he was carrying the faster he’d be as far away as possible.

He decided he was going to break the window. There was no other way out and this was his only chance to get out of this alive.

Castiel looked around the hallway. But there was nothing heavy enough to break a window.  
He started to panic. He could be back any minute, maybe he’d forgotten something.

He slapped himself in the face to bring him back to the here and now and cursed himself under his breath for not keeping his head cool.

He ran into the kitchen and looked around with big eyes, panic nearly starting to take over his system until he spotted something useful.  
Castiel grabbed one of the metal framed dining chairs. Heavy enough, hard enough. This could work!

He ran back to the dark living room, the chair dragging behind him, definitely leaving scratches on the wooden floor but he didn’t care. Not anymore.

He ripped the curtain away to expose the glass pane and counted in his head. _One… Two..._ He looked over his shoulder one more time. Like he was saying goodbye to the hell hole he’d spent the last two years in.

 _Three_ _!_

He used all the strength he had left in his arms to lift the chair and swing it around, letting go just in time.  
The chair smashed straight through the window, glass fragments flying everywhere as the chair landed in the backyard.  
He stood still, scanning the envoirement for any noises, but except for the rushing of the leaves on the trees everything was dead silent.

This was it. This was what he had been praying for, this was what he had been dreaming of all the time. He was free. He wanted to laugh, he wanted to shout and cry out in happiness. But he wasn’t there yet. That fourty six year old monster could come back any moment if he was having second thoughts.

He smiled at himself hesitantly and turned around, snatching the bags away from the couch and throwing them out the window.  
With his elbow he cleared some big shards from the window frame and climbed out. He didn’t exactly know where he was going, but he had a plan. And unlike the other plans, this one was solid.

Castiel could feel the freedom ooze into his shoes and he let it all in, breathing in the fresh evening air. The air was sweet compared to the musty smell of the house he was used to.  
He picked up the bags from the wet grass and started to run, just run. He ran onto the street and around the corner, towards the church and out of town.  
Running until his lungs were burning, wheezing, begging for oxygen and his legs simply gave up on him.  
He decided that he had made it far enough when he arrived at a gas station where he hitched a ride to the nearest motel.

The sun just started to set when he arrived.

“Good evening, how can I-” the middle aged woman behind the counter looked up at him, but when her eyes met Castiel’s face it seemed like she couldn’t find the words she was looking for.

“A room, please. It’s just me. What’s the cheapest you have?” Castiel said, his fingers nervously gripping into the rough fabric of the duffle bag.

The woman blinked a couple times and slightly leaned over the counter. “Do you want me to call the police?” she asked carefully.

Castiel cocked his head a bit and frowned, then it came back to him. The bruises, the fresh cuts on his brittle skin. That perfectly explained why the man in the car looked so sympathetic when he rolled down the window.

“Oh! This?” he pointed at his face and chuckled softly, trying to act cool “Don’t worry, I had a little accident. Nothing to worry about! Now, can I please have a room? Your neon sign said you still have vacancy.” he said quickly, trying hard to keep his voice steady and digging his fingers deeper into the bag to hide the fact that his hands were shaking.

The woman still looked somewhat shocked, more like a mixture between worried and suspicious, but she nodded and grabbed some papers from underneath the counter anyway and didn’t ask any more questions.

“Do you wish to use your credit card or cash?”

 

Ten minutes later Castiel was standing in the middle of the dusty motel room. The curtains that used to be white were colored sickly yellow from cigarette smoke and the furniture was old and worn out. It was small and outdated, but it had more than he needed. He had a bed and a decent bathroom. The tiny TV, radio and minibar were unnecessary luxury. He didn’t need that. All he needed right now was sleep.

He didn’t even bother to take off his clothes. He faceplanted himself in the pillows on the bed and crawled up, falling asleep almost immediately.

 

_Bzzz bzzz bzz… Bzzz bzzz bzzz…_

Castiel opened his eyes and looked at the alarm clock, rubbing his eyes to clear his vision. It was only a bit past 11 pm.

_Bzzz bzzz bzzz…_

He sat up on the bed, noting that he totally forgot to take off his shoes.

_Bzzz bzzz-_

He grabbed the phone and unlocked the screen. 473 messages, 82 missed calls and 30 voicemails.  
All of them from Malcom.

Castiel could feel the blood retreat from his head.

 

from Malcom - 20:40

WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU

 

from Malcom - 20:04

I SWEAR TO GOF ID YOU DON'T COME HOME THIS INSTANT I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU

 

from Malcom - 20:05

YOU BROKE THE FUCKING WINDOW YOU SON OF A BITCH. YOU’RE GONNA PAY FOR THIS! 

 

from Malcom - 20:07

Baby, I’m so sorry! Please come back. I’ll make it up to you! I’m so sorry for hitting you earlier. I wasn’t myself. I love you, please come back?

 

from Malcom - 20:09

Castiel, answer you phone.

 

from Malcom - 20:09

Answer your fucking phone!

 

from Malcom - 20:09

CAS, ANSWER THE PHONE!!!

 

And the text went on and on and on. And the phone kept buzzing in his hand. He didn’t even bother listening to his voicemail. Castiel knew what they were going to say anyway.

“Fuck.” Castiel whispered and looked around him. All the lights were still on. What if he was already in his car, driving around downtown Memphis, asking if anybody had seen me. He would do that. He would go to every hotel, every motel, every B&B. He wouldn’t leave a single parkbench unturned until he had found him.

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!” he hissed. He jumped out of bed and tugged the curtains shut, dimmed all the lights and put his phone on airplane mode and turned off the GPS. Malcom would use everything possible to track him down.

He checked the locks on the door and the windows at least three more times. Because what if that man would happen to drive here? What if he asked the woman at the check-in if he had been here and she said yes and showed him to the room?  
Castiel’s panic had almost reached it’s peak. He grabbed the comforter and two pillows and dragged them to the bathroom, dropping them in the bathtub and lie down, struggling to breathe slowly.

“Come on, Cas. It’s not that bad. You’re out of there. You’ve got yourself a room, in a motel, far far away from that monster. Stop worrying, straigten yourself up and try to get some sleep”  
He nodded at himself and rubbed his face, trying to relax the tensed muscles around his eyes and jaw.

“Calm the fuck down, you’ve got this.” he whispered and leaned back in the tub. He turned to his side, resting his head against one of the pillows and clenched the other one between his pulled up knees and wrapped his arms around it.. Somehow it always helped to comfort himself some more and eventually fall asleep.  
Focussing on his breathing his eyelids finally started to drop and he drifted into a dreamless sleep.

 

It was the dull headache behind his eyes that woke him up the next day.  
His throat was dry and for a moment he had some trouble remembering where he was. As his senses slowly started to come back to him he felt the cold of the steel tub, making him jolt up straight.  
The dull pain in his lower back sobered his mind a little, reminding him that he was no longer trapped. No longer suppressed.  
And despite the pain he heaved a sigh of relief.  
He scrambled out of the tub and lugged himself to the sink, splashing some cold water in his tired face to wash the sleep out of his eyes.

Castiel slowly looked up to meet his own gaze in the stained mirror, staring in silence, carefully taking in the sight of the damage Malcom had done just the day before.

He used his wet hands to comb his shaggy, dark blonde hair back over his head. The deep purple bruises almost looked like a work of art, the way they were scattered on his jaw, left cheekbone and right eye. Malcom had made sure to not miss his nose. His lip was swollen and on the crease of his right eyebrow adorned a beautiful deep cut.

Castiel chuckled sarcastically at the wreck he saw in front of him. But slowly he realized that it was over. All those months of harsh words, punches and kicks. It was all over.

He dumped the comforter and pillows back on the bed and took a long, hot shower. The longest he had had in a very long time. Imagining the water washing away all the bad memories.  
He didn’t want to think. He just wanted his mind to slow down, get quiet. But it wouldn’t.  
It was like an endless filmreel whenever he closed his eyes and rested his forhead against the cold, damp tile wall.

He saw everything, too clear and vivid. Too fresh until he opened his dull blue eyes again to replace the images in his head with the water drops that were slowly dripping from the strands of hair that were plastered to his face.  
He inhaled sharply, almost choking on the water that shot in his throat.  
After clearing the water out his trachea he got out of the shower and dried himself off, shooting a glance at the mirror every now and then, unsure what to think of the person looking straight back at him in the clouded mirror. The dried blood on his face had disappeared and he looked a bit more alert. Even his eyes seemed to have a slightly different gleam over them.

With a towel wrapped around his waist he sat down on the bed, helping himself to a single slice of bread with ketchup. It was the only food he could pack, half, dry loaf of bread and bunch of ketchup packets. He didn’t complain though. Malcom hadn’t given him any food in the last three days. Something he did often.

He turned the TV on while he continued to chew slowly, closing his eyes for a moment and taking in all the flavors.

“I can tell you, Jeff, it’s going to be a beautiful week. Lots of sun and a nice temperature around 77 degrees…”

Castiel wasn’t really trying to pay attention to the local news channel, but it was nice to have something to break the silence in the room. The blonde woman in the yellow dress kept chattering about clouds and wind as he took another bite from his ketchup sandwich.

The news reporter laughed about a joke Castiel had missed and took over from the weather lady.  
“Thank you very much Stephany!”  
The in yellow woman showed her over-the-top white toothpaste smile and the cameras were pointed on the reporter again.

“Authorities ask everyone to look out for this young man, called Castiel Finley. Twenty one year old Finley was reported missing yesterday afternoon and is still no found.”  
Castiel jerked his head towards the TV, dropping his sandwich topping down on the white towel.  
He narrowed his eyes at the screen, not quite able to process what was going on. But he found that it really was his face on the screen. An old picture, but not old enough for it to be unrecognizable. He bit his lower lip and pressed his nails into the palms of his hands.

“Castiel is 5’11 tall, regular posture, has dark blonde hair and blue eyes. He is probably wearing a dark hoodie, jeans and white sneakers. His father, Malcom Finley says to approach him with care. Castiel is very confused and struggling with mental issues. He asks anyone who spots the young man to call him or the police so he can be brought home safely.”

He stood up to rush to the TV, but he couldn’t feel his legs and collapsed, his knees smashing into the rough carpet and scraping the dry skin.  
Ignoring the pain he krept to the screen and turned it off.  
Castiel fell back on his ass and stared down at his lap, letting his moist hair swoop in his face as tears started to blur his vision, unsure if it was from sadness, anger or fear.  
He peeled the bread off his towel and hurled it out to the TV, letting it stick to the screen perfectly.

He had to get out, away, far away. And fast, as fast as possible.

Castiel tossed the towel into a random corner of the room and collected his clothes from the bathroom floor. Hopping around on one leg as he desperately tried to hoist himself into his jeans he searched the room for his sneakers.

Arkansas seemed to be the best way out. Away from Memphis, away from the state police and most important, away from Malcom.  
He stuffed his possessions back into the bags and pulled his hood far over his head, not even bothering to close the door, let alone lock it and check out of the motel. There was no time. No time to get his deposit back. He was going right now.


	2. The friendly ghost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _updated 5-5-2016_

He had forgotten how much his calves were aching from running so much the previous day. But to save as much money as possible Castiel had no choice but to walk to the bus station. A trip that would take him almost two hours. He had never thought that running away would cost him so much energy. Let alone money.

Of course there were missing-person posters scattered all over downtown Memphis, starring his name and slightly outdated portrait. He ripped down as many as he possibly could while he made his way through (mostly) alleys and sideways, trying to avoid the mainroads as much as possible.

Castiel wasn’t surprised that Malcom had kept the picture in question, he looked so young. That’s how Malcom liked them best, young, and on the picture he looked at most eighteen years old. How old he exactly was at the time he had already forgotten. He didn’t even know why he was smiling on that photograph anymore.

He read the text on the last poster he had torn down from a random lamppost.

_MISSING:_

_Castiel Finley_  
age: 21  
lenght: 5’11  
hair: dark blonde  
eyes: blue

_Approach with caution, mentally instable.  
When spotted, please call Malcom Finley…_

“That son of a bitch.” Castiel sighed as he screwed up the piece of paper and tossed it in the gutter.  
He had expected that Malcom wouldn’t let him go that easily, he knew him for longer than today and he knew that he was crazy enough to report him missing to get him back. And that Malcom pretended to be his father wasn’t new to him, he had taken advantage of that a lot. For example to get him into hotels without receptionists shooting them weird looks.  
But telling the police that he was mentally instable and even dangerous was a new level of fuckedupness. Which is why he had to get out of Tennessee fast.

His stomach growled loudly as he walked past a hotdog stand. That wonderful smell of fresh buns and the sight of hotdogs caressed his senses and he cursed himself for not checking out the motel. The fifty dollar deposit was a lot, but he couldn’t risk going back. Even though he was a bit older than on the picture now and the bruises did some camouflaging. Not the kind of camouflaging he liked the best, but at least he didn’t look that much like himself at the moment.  
He ignored the tantrum his stomach was throwing at the moment and kept walking. He’d have a slice of bread with ketchup later. Castiel had promised himself he wouldn’t eat anything more than absolutely necessary. He had no other choice. From the 160 dollars he had stolen from Malcom he had spent nearly 90 on the motel room.  
One thing was sure, wherever Castiel was going, he needed a job and a roof over his head.

He had almost reached the bus station when it turned out the lovely yellow dressed weather lady had been as wrong as she possible could have been. It only took a couple minutes for the rain to drench him down to his underwear. The wind made it even colder than it already was, leaving Castiel shivering.  
He heaved a heavy sigh and for a nanosecond he wished he was back with Malcom. He had dry clothes there, a worn out towel to rub himself dry and a thin sheet to keep him warm...

 _What the hell, Cas? You ran away from that freak for a reason!_ He shook his head and scowled at himself for thinking such an idiotic thing.

He trudged to the ticket window and bought a bus ticket, trying his best to avoid the gaze from the old man on the other side of the glass.

“One way to Little Rock, please.” Castiel said hoarse and shoved some cash in the money drawer. He pulled his hood further over his head, trying to cover some of the bruises that his hair couldn’t conceal

“Hey, kiddo. You okay?” the old man asked carefully.

 _Too late._ Castiel bit his lip and looked at his shoes, nodding his head slowly. “‘M fine, sir. But thanks for asking.” he mumbled and snatched the ticket away as soon the money drawer was back with the tiny piece of paper. He jerked himself around and grabbed one of the free newspapers from the rack for on the road. There wasn’t much time to relax and read because the bus was ready to depart. He found a nice seat in the back and dropped his bags between his legs.

 

~~~~~~

Castiel was 19 years old and out of cash. He sat in the dirty little room he had rented. It was cheap as fuck, but he expected nothing more for the couple of square feet he had to himself. At least he had a mattress, his outdated laptop and somewhat proper WiFi.

He was scrolling through profile after profile, there were so many guys. But most of them were too old for him or just plain ugly. Why he was on this arrangement website, he had no idea. But after it didn’t work with Denise he was looking for something new. Plus if he could find someone who would take care of him and treat him like a prince… Anything was better than the dump he was living in at that moment.  
At first he thought the chemistry was missing so when they broke up after nearly one and a half year of failed courtship it didn’t take long for Castiel to find the “love” elsewhere. One night stand after one night stand never quite seemed to satisfy him. That was until Andrew came into the picture. They had been friends for quite some time and one soggy night they both had a little too much to drink.

That little “experiment” had cost him his family, which meant his home.

~~~~~~

 

Faint blue eyes slowly scanned the water stained back of the newspaper as the scenery changed from tall buildings into open fields.

 **________________**  
Engineers Wanted  
________________  
Vacancy Abattior  
________________  
Sales Manager Lingerie Shop  
________________  
Stable Help Wanted - No Experience Needed…  
________________

His eyes got stuck on the last one. There was no experience needed. Payment wasn’t mentioned, but it would be weird to publish an vacancy that wouldn’t get paid.

**________________**

**Stable Help Wanted**  
descr.  
Feeding, grooming and taming horses

 _Huh, taming horses? Seriously? How do I not need any experience for that?_ Castiel thought. _Where the hell is it anyway?_  
He tried to find more information, but all he could find was a phone number. Not even a company name, adress, website, email… Nothing more than a phone number. And half of it was slightly smudged out by the rain from earlier. That eight could’ve been a nine and that three… was that even a three?

Castiel frowned and looked on the other side of the page.  
Nope, that was really it. He would save it for later. Maybe there were better opportunities in Little Rock, who knew? Right? He carefully ripped the advert out, folding it neatly and putting it in his pocket.  
He chuckled at himself for even considering the job. He had never touched a horse. Oh hell! He had never even been close to one!  
Not to mention the ad was very sketchy.

Castiel leaned his head back against the seat and took a deep breath, letting his eyes slip shut for the time being.

 

It was the sudden roar of the heavy engine that woke him up. Il Divo was softly playing in the background, just loud enough to hear over the growling of the engine. Slowly Castiel opened his eyes, stretching his folded limbs and arched back. He swallowed a couple times, he had totally forgotten to drink.  
He fished the bottle he had refilled with tap water out the duffle bag, but to his surprise the bottle wasn’t as full as when he put it in the bag. He opened the bag to see where all the water had gone, groaning softly when he found out he hadn’t tighten the cap enough. Three-quarter of the bottle had leaked into the only dry clothes he had left.  
_You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!_

He drank the last bit of water and flung the painfully empty bottle back, on top of the drenched clothes.

Leaning back in the slightly uncomfortable chair he looked around the bus.  
_Where is everybody?_  
He stood up from his seat, steadying himself by holding the headrest in front of him, and searched for any other passengers. But he was the only one.  
“What the-”

Staggering he made his way through the wobbly bus to the front where the driver was softly singing along to You Raise Me Up, not really paying attention to the road.  
As he got closer to the man he noticed it wasn’t the same driver. This driver looked a lot older, his hair was greyish and he had a moustache instead of a goatee.  
_Oh Lord, please tell me this isn’t true!_

“Excuse me?” Castiel said softly.

The driver jerked his head around with wide eyes. “JESUS CHRIST!” He shouted and almost lost controll over the enormous vehicle.

The sudden movement in the bus flung Castiel against an armrest.

“Oh my God, are you okay?” The driver asked after he steadied the bus again and looked in the rearview mirror.

Castiel coughed and nodded as he got back on his feet “‘M fine, I’m okay.” _Great, another bruise!_

“Sorry boy, I didn’t know you were still in the bus. I thought everybody was gone, the trunk was empty so I assumed… You know… Damn.” The driver said and gave Castiel a sympathetic look.

Suddenly realization hit him and he widened his eyes “Wait, you mean we’re past Little Rock?!” He exclaimed. He must’ve slept through the entire journey.

The driver nodded “I’m sorry, I can’t turn around. I have a schedule. But I can drop you off at a gas station if you like. You can hitch a ride back to Little Rock and-,” the driver looked in the rearview mirror again “Wait a second… Aren’t you that guy who went missing like… Yesterday?”

Castiel gulped, the bruises apparently weren’t enough to mask him. He could feel the blood rush to his neck and cheeks. What should he do? Lie to the man?  
He decided to go with the lie and chuckled “No! Of course not!” he said, his voice trembling.

“Yes, you are! Oh my God…”

It wasn’t working, he had been caught. This was it, the end of his adventure.

“Please, sir, you don’t understand. It’s not what it looks like! That man isn’t my father, I’m not crazy! Please don’t call the police.” he said softly, tears burning in his eyes, threatening to spill over.

The driver pursed his eyebrows “Did he give you those shiners?” he asked carefully.

Castiel nodded. The tears were now slipping down his cheeks. “Please don’t make me go back there.” he whispered.

The man sighed “Do you have friends or family in Little Rock?”

Castiel shook his head “No, sir, nobody.”

The man bit his lip and was quiet for a while, probably overthinking the situation. He was gonna call the cops for sure. Castiel could feel his heart racing, beating in his throat and pulsing in his temples, causing him a headache. His chest felt even heavier than it did before.

“This bus is now going to Tulsa. There are no stops in between. I suggest you make yourself comfortable and enjoy the free ride.” the driver said with a smile and gave Castiel a wink.

He blinked a couple times and looked up at the driver. “Are you serious? You’re not gonna call the police? You’ll take me to Tulsa?” Castiel couldn’t really process it. Going to Tulsa meant he would be further away from Malcom. A hopeful shimmer lit up his bruised face.

The man nodded “I know a person in need when I see one. Don’t worry, I won’t call the cops or the bastard who dares to calls himself your dad to come and get you. Those bruises aren’t jokes, no playful punches. And Little Rock is still pretty close to Memphis. Tulsa will be a lot safer for you.”

Castiel could feel the tension being flushed away. “Thank you! Thank you so much!” he sighed.

“No problem kid. But will you do me a favor and grab me a sandwich from the mini fridge? Get one for yourself too.They’re all BLT.” the driver said and pointed at the small black door next to the passenger seat.

Castiel nodded “Thank you! You have no idea how much this means to me!” he said and got two small paper bags, handing one to the driver.

“I can imagine.” the man chuckled “I’m Joe, by the way. Why don’t you sit down in the passenger seat? I see so many people, but I never really get the chance to have a nice chat with any of them. What’s your name again?”

“Castiel. But please, just call me Cas.”

“Castiel? Are your parents Christians?” Joe asked, looking amazed at the young man sitting down next to him.

Castiel frowned and tilted his head a little “How do you know that?” he asked surprised.

Joe laughed and shook his head “I guess they forgot to mention you’re named after an angel. The archangel Cassiel, angel of solitude and tears.”

Castiel raised an eyebrow “Well, that explains a lot.” he sighed, making Joe laugh even harder.

“Don’t worry, boy, God is with you. You’re never alone, not really!”

 

After a couple more hours of listening to Joe’s bullshit about God and Jesus and angels and stories about his five kids and three ex-wives, Castiel finally got to Tulsa. He had hung his wet clothes over the empty chairs and Joe had turned on the heating to let them dry on the way there. Joe had even given Castiel some money to get through at least two more days.

Castiel didn’t know how to react, he just stood there with his, now dry, bags, an envelope with 100 dollards and a small bag of food. He just stared at Joe, eyes filled with disbelief.

“A-are you sure?” he stammered.

Joe nodded “As sure as I can be. You need it more than I do. And the Lord taught us to take care of the underprivileged. People like you, Castiel. I have to go now, but remember, God is with you.” he rested a heavy hand on Castiel’s shoulder “God bless!” and with those words he walked back to the tour bus. He honked one more time and drove away.

It was already dark so Castiel took a room in the first hotel he could find, feeling a bit less paranoid and more at ease knowing that Malcom was two states away, probably thinking that Castiel was still hiding somewhere in Memphis.

He dropped his bags next to the door and stuffed his hands in his pockets, feeling that damn piece of paper itching against his fingers. Almost as if it had gotten a mind of its own, whispering to him to call the number from that sketchy advert. He shook the feeling away.  
_Horses, Cas. This is about huge ass fucking horses, not hamsters! For crying out loud!_ He laughed at himself.

This was Tulsa, fucking Tulsa! A big city with a lot of opportunities, a lot of jobs. He could get a steady job here, rent a room somewhere, save up for an appartment… Start a life. Oklahoma didn’t seem that bad at all.

 

~~~~~~

 _Hm, that guy seems nice._ Castiel clicked on the profile picture of a man staning next to a full size AT-ST _Alright, he might be almost twice my age… Okay, he IS twice my age. But he looks nice and not even that old!_  
His eyes slowly moved over the profile. It didn’t surprise Castiel that MillenniumMalcomSW was into Sci-Fi as well. According to his profile he also had very high standards when it came to a potential partner. He claimed to be a true gentleman with good manners.  
_So you say you’re a gentleman, hm?_  
He clicked the little heart top right on the page, adding MillenniumMalcomSW to his favorites.  
Only seconds later he got a notification.

You received a message from **MillenniumMalcomSW**

**Hey BluexBoyxBlue, noticed you added me to your favs. I took a quick look at your profile and I must say it all looks pretty good. Lovely pictures you have there. I’d like to get to know you better.  
Greetings!**

Castiel bit his lower lip and smirked at the message. He even given him his phone number!

~~~~~~

 

The following morning Castiel was up early. He was going to make the best of this day and find a job. Going outside to get some fresh air would do him good to leave everything behind. All the nasty memories, the horrible words…  
He freshed himself up and was happy to see that the bruises were only half as bad as they were the day before. Instead of dark purple they were now faint blue.  
He combed his hair back. _Shit…_ The cut on his right eyebrow was still showing. Castiel knew it was going to turn out a nice, prominent scar. _At least it will look a little cool in some sort of way._ He thought to himself.

Castiel put on his white shirt and black jeans, that would have to do to present himself to a potential employer. He was about to walk out the hotel room, he had his hand on the door knob, ready to open the door, and he froze. He _froze_!

 _What if_ he was out there?

 _What if_ his missing report had gone all over the country?

 _What if_ the police would recognize him?

“Come on, Cas, you can _do_ this!” he hissed at himself. But his wrist wouldn’t turn, his fingers went limp and he couldn’t feel his arm anymore.

 _What if_ he would somehow end up in Memphis again?

Maybe Malcom was right. Maybe he _was_ unstable, crazy, dangerous. Dangerous to himself? Or to others too?  
He could feel his heart starting to beat faster again.

“Oh no, no no no. Not again!” he groaned and let the door knob slip out of the loose grip from his fingers.

He felt the funny itch in his pocket again, calling out to him. Castiel pulled the little piece of paper out and smoothed out the edges and corners with his thumbs. He could at least give it a try, right?  
He looked at the door. Never before had a piece of wood looked so intimidating, so heavy and undestructable. It made him feel safe and claustrofobic at the same time. As if he had locked himself up and swallowed the key which was, of course, ridiculous.  
His eyes moved to the paper again, back to the door, and back to the paper.

_Come on, man. You’ve gotta get out at some point!_

“I know, but not right now.” he answered his own thoughts out loud.

_Alright, just know that-_

“Shut up!” he told told himself and walked kneeled to the floor, searching the bags for his phone, his finger hovering over the airplane mode. He would get to see all the threats, all the I-love-you’s and apologies and horrible names and mixed signals.  
The GPS was still turned off, so he was safe.  
Castiel puffed out a small breath and pressed the button, he could call again.  
He dialed the number as fast as possible, not sure if he had to dial an 8 or a 9 or a 3 but he just went for it and hit “call”.

He was calling. He heard one beep. Two beeps. Three beeps. Were they going to pick up the phone? Four beeps.

“Come ooon!” he whispered impatiently.

“Hello?” a girl said on the other side of the line.

This was it, he was calling… His heart was beating in his throat again. His hands were getting sweaty. He gripped the phone a little tighter, afraid it would slip through his fingers.

“Hellooo?” the stranger sounded a little annoyed.

“Oh, uhm… Hello! I’m calling for the job?” why did he turn it into a question? Of course he was calling for the job!

“Job? What job?”

Did he dial the wrong number? Oh God, no!

“I’m sorry, I might have dialed the wrong numb-” but the stranger cut him off.

“Please hold on!” the girl said quickly “What is it Sammy? Really? Oh.” she cleared her throat “I’m back! So you were calling about the job?”

“Ahm… Yes. Is it still available?” Castiel asked hesitantly.

The girl started to laugh “Oh yeah, it’s still available! You’re the first one to call in three months!”

_Not surprising when you only put the job description and a phone number in the advert._

“That’s… Eh… Great?”

“Yeah, I guess so. When do you think you can start?”

“As soon as possible.”

“Great! What about tomorrow?”

“I guess that could work…?”

“Awesome, I’ll see you then!”

Wait, that was it? No questions? No date for an interview? This person hadn’t even given the address, let alone the name of this business!

“Wait!”

“What?”

“Uhm… What’s the address?”

“School Ave, just outside Lebanon.”

“Lebanon Oklahoma?”

“No, Dorothy, Kansas! Speaking of funny names, I never caught yours.” she sounded a bit friendlier now.

“It’s eh… It’s Cas.”

“Cas who?”

That was a good question...

“Hellow?”

“Cas F-... FADDEN! Cas McFadden!” Castiel exclaimed without really thinking what he was saying

“Cas McFadden?”

She wasn’t gonna buy it. Of course she was not going to buy it! He just impersonated Casper the friendly ghost! He smacked his own forehead for the stupidity.  
The girl stayed quiet for a moment.

“That’s a funny name. Sounds very familiar! I’m Jo, by the way. Okay, Cas, I’ve got that written down. Tomorrow, 3 pm, in front of the post office in Lebanon. I’ll send Sam to pick you up in a red pickup truck. Capiche?”

“Ahhh… Yes. Tomorrow, 3 pm, post office Lebanon, the one in Kansas.”

“Very good, I’ll see you tomorrow, Casper.” she said with a sugar coated voice and she hung up.

 _Shit._ He should’ve used his old name, no secrets, just his old name. _Just call back already, say it was a joke, tell them your real name and get over with it!_

Castiel took a deep breath and hit the green button again. Jo picked up almost immediately.

“If it isn’t our friendly ghost!” she laughed.

He sighed softly and bit his lip, feeling a deep blush creep over his cheeks. “Okay, I know it was a bad idea to lie about my name! I got nervous...”

“Then just give me your real name, stupid!” she giggled.

He felt so ashamed of himself.

“Novak. My name is Castiel Novak. But you can call me Cas.”  
Novak, the way it rolled over his tongue was almost alien to him. He couldn’t even remember the last time he had used that name.

“Meh, sounds too… Eastern European. I’ll stick with Casper. See you tomorrow, Casper!” she sounded too playful to be offensive, so Castiel just went with it and wished her a very nice day.

He turned the phone off again and stared at it for a while, slowly processing what the hell was happening. Did he get the job? He didn’t really care, he’d take the rest of the day off, watching TV and sleeping.

 

Totally out of breath Castiel made my way to his seat in the wobbly bus the following morning. The bus driver had stopped for him when he saw him sprinting after the big vehicle.  
He walked all the way to the back and dropped himself into the backseat of the bus, dumping his backpack and duffel bag between his legs.  
Castiel leaned his head back and took a deep breath, he had made it to the only bus that was driving to his destination only once every three days.

It was a little past seven and the sun started to break through the starry sky, turning the black velvet into light pastels, slowly blending into flawless cerulean, illuminating the horizon.  
As he gazed out the window he saw the cityscape of Tulsa slowly blending into the suburbs. Before he knew it the rows of cloned houses had made place for the countryside.

Oil pumps, silos, barns and small farms surrounded by fields of corn, grain and grass flew by the road. Hours passed by and he wished he had some music. The silence was creeping into his brain, giving it room to space out even more, only to bring back memories he wanted to stuff away to the back of his mind.

He forced himself to other thoughts. Castiel was wondering what the ranch would be like, how the people would be. All he knew at this point is that he was going to work with horses. Big animals that he had absolutely no experience with, but the paper said that experience was not of importance so he had been bold enough to reply

Castiel didn’t care that it was located in the middle of nowhere, he needed some time away from the big city anyway. The further away from Memphis the better. Malcom would never find him in Lebanon.

It was almost 3 in the afternoon when he finally reached Lebanon, one of those small towns that only had the simple basics and absolutely no luxury. Some small stores, the post ofice that Jo had told him to wait at, a tiny church and an old bar.  
The bus finally stopped.  
He swung the bags over his shoulder, trudged to the front and thanked the driver before hopping out onto the street.

The bus chugged away, revealing the other side of the road.  
The town was tranquil, there were only a few people outside and the stores were closed on the saturday. Only the bar seemed to attract some visitors.

He took another glance on the note with instructions he had made as a reminder, he had to wait at the post office because someone would be picking me up at 3 ó clock in a red car.

Nervously Castiel looked at his watch again, 2:56. Whoever was picking him up could be here any minute. He was so intrigued by his surroundings that hadn’t noticed the spund of footsteps sneaking up on him from behind.

“Excuse me, are you here for the ranch job?” a voice asked.

Castiel turned his head to meet a firm chest covered in plaid. He looked up to meet the guy who was talking to him, despite of being 5 inches taller than Castiel the guy looked rather young but he didn’t dare to guess his age.  
He had slightly long brown hair that framed his friendly face and hazel eyes perfectly.

His lips curled up into a small smile and he knitted his brows a bit.

Castiel swallowed and nodded at the tall boy “Yes, yes I am.” he stuttered.

“Than you must be Casper, right?” the guy said and hung out his arm toward me “My name is Sam, Sam Winchester.” he introduced himself “I am here to pick you up.”

Of course that Jo girl had told him his name was Casper. He sighed softly.

“Actually it’s Castiel, but you may call me Cas. Nice to meet you, Sam.”

Sam’s lips formed a small o “Castiel, interesting name. But Cas it is than.” he sniggered softly and beckoned Castiel to follow him.

“The ranch isn’t too far from here, it’s only a twenty minute drive.” Sam explained as they walked around the corner directly toward an old, red, rusty chevrolet pickup.

“Is that one yours?” Castiel asked, he was rather surprised at the state of the the car and hoped it wouldn’t be a presage of what was waiting for him at the ranch itself.

Sam shook his head “Not entirely.” he sighed “I have to share it with my brother, so…” he tilted his head and looked at the lugage. “Is that all you brought with you?”

Castiel simply nodded “Yeah, I like to travel light.” he lied.

Sam gave him an impressed look and unlocked the car and hopping in to unlock the other side so he could step in too. The car smelled like leather, gasoline and hay. The seats were a bit worn out, the leather had started to crack and tear here and there but overall it was a pretty comfortable car.

Castiel adjusted the seat, settled his duffle bag between his legs, put the backpack on lap and searched for the seatbelt.

“Don’t bother looking, Cas. This beauty hasn’t got seatbelts.” Sam laughed at his confused face when he noted there were indeed no seatbelts “I hope you like Iron Maiden.” Sam said and turned on the radio, Run To The Hills sounded through the car.  
“I’m sorry, it’s all what Dean left here. That and the rest of his shit.” he said and kicked a half empty coke bottle under his seat.

Castiel just assumed that Dean must’ve been his brother.

Sam started the car and they drove out of the small town.

After fifteen minutes the corn- and grain fields started to make place for grassy paddocks enclosed by white wooden fences and tall birch trees, in the distance Castiel could see the Ranch.  
His eyes fell on the grazing, spotted animals in the distance.

“Sam, I thought I was gonna work with horses, what’s up with the cows?” Castiel asked seriously.

Sam giggled “You really are a funny!” he said and looked at the confused guy sitting next to him, but when he saw Castiel wasn’t kidding his smile cracked open and he started to roar with laughter.  
“Dude, those aren’t cows! Haha! We breed with American Paint horses. They are famous for their piebald hide.” he panted “Do you know ANYTHING about horses?” he asked.

Castiel bit his lower lip and looked at his hands “No.” he whispered.

Suddenly he felt a hand resting on his left shoulder.

‘’That’s okay, Cas. Jo should’ve known better when she put the vacancy in the paper. We are going to teach you everything you need to know about horses. It’s not as hard as you think.’’ Sam said and patted his shoulder “You’ll be okay, I promise.” he assured him and placed his hand back on the wheel.

He looked at the hazel eyed boy and smiled gently “Thanks, Sammy.”

Sam’s face clouded a little “That’s okay, just don’t call me Sammy. Dean and my dad have been calling me that name my entire life and I hate it!” he said angrily.

Castiel gulped and looked down at his, now sweaty, hands again “Sorry.” he mumbled.

Sam looked at him again and smiled a little ‘’It’s okay, I shouldn’t react like that.’’ he said softly and pulled the car onto the driveway.

Castiel’s jaw literally dropped when he saw the sight of the house, or should I say mansion?

The building was stunning, white walls and grey window frames and shutters, shiny black roof tiles, two floors with a lot of windows. The garden was beautiful and tightly constructed, setting off perfectly with the classy looking colonial style house.

Sam parked the pick up next to another Chevrolet, a black Impala 67 shining in the sun.

Sam chuckled at Castiel’s face, again “Pretty neat, huh?”

His head slowly went up and down. He was perplexed.  
When he called up for the job he thought he’d be working on a small simple farm with several horses, but this exceeded all his expectations.  
Suddenly Castiel was kinda exited about it all.

Sam cut the engine and stepped out of the car. He walked around to help him get out.

They walked to the frontdoor and entered the house. Sweet piano music filled his ears.  
In awe Castiel walked through the door, the hallway was simple but decorated beautifully. Light and bright and soft colors soothed my eyes.  
The sliding door to the huge living room was opened, a young man was playing the grand piano next to the fireplace in the corner of the big living room.  
Castiel could only see the back of his short light brown hair above his wornout denim shirt.

“Dean, I’m back with the new stable boy.” Sam shouted.

Immediately the man slammed down the lid of the piano, the loud bang echoed into the hallway. He stood up and turned on his heels. Two wide, green eyes stared back at Castiel, looking rather startled at his appearance.

“I didn’t hear you come in here.” he said softly.

Castiel couldn’t hold back a smile.

“Dean, this is Cas. Cas, this is my brother Dean.” Sam introduced them.

Castiel was wondering if every employee was allowed around inside. Their boss must be a very cool guy for letting his employees play on the piano.  
He wanted to walk towards Dean to shake hands, but before Castiel even moved his feet he had walked past them and left the room. He looked at Sam with a questioning face.  
Sam shrugged “He can be a little awkward or harsh sometimes, but he’s an okay guy. He has been like that as long as I can remember. You just need a little time to get to know him.” he paused a moment and took a deep breath.  
‘’Let’s go to your room, shall we?’’

“M-my room?” Castiel stuttered. The advert didn’t say anything about housing!

“Yeah! The attic is not that big, I’m warning you.” Sam chuckled as he made his way upstairs. Castiel followed him quickly.

They entered ‘the’ attic. And yet again his jaw dropped, it was small and simple but beautiful. The enterior light and bright like the rest of the house. Two big portholes filled the room with sunlight. The bed was covered with a quilt and seemed just big enough for two persons, it was placed underneath one of the windows, perfect for stargazing.

He even had his own bookcase filled with novels and an armchair.

‘’I can see you like it already.’’ Sam giggled.

“Are you kidding me?’’ Castiel dropped his bags and dropped himself on the super soft bed ‘’I love it!’’ he breathed, taking in the nostalgia “The advert didn’t say anything about a room!”

Sam frowned “It didn’t?”

Castiel shook his head.

“Oh… Well, would you like to live here?” Sam asked carefully.

Castiel smirked and nodded his head as he walked further into the room to take a look out the window. “Oh hell yes!”

This was getting better and better every minute. Maybe Joe was right, maybe there was somebody watching over him, taking care of him. Castiel didn’t feel like he deserved all this, but he’d work for it, and hard. He promised himself he’d be the best stable boy in history!

“Wanna meet the rest of the crew?” Sam asked.

Castiel nodded “Absolutely.” he mumbled and hopped back to the door, following Sam downstairs, secretly hoping to see Dean again.

But Dean wasn’t there. They walked to the cafeteria, a part of that ranch that was connected to the stables and tackroom. It was not too big, not too small. He did meet the rest of the regular staff, they were just on their afternoon break.

“Guys, this is Cas. He’s the new stable boy, please be good to him because he was the first one to call about the job in the three months that advert has been out, not thanks to Jo!” Sam said.

Jo, the girl he had talked to on the phone the day before, was sitting on the wornout leather couch, she was the typical stereotype ‘hot blonde’. 18 years old and worked with the horses almost every day.

“Nice to finally meet you in person, Casper! I have to say you look way better than I expected! Less… transparent.” she said with a smirk and winked.

Castiel could feel that familiar heat wash over his face again. Jo saw it and licked her lips with the tip of her tongue, making Castiel blush even harder, provoking a high pitched giggle from the girl.

On the weekends she worked at her mother’s roadhouse on the way to town with Ash, who was the techie of the pack. A weird guy, but very funny. He was in charge of the machinery. He had a weird hairdo, short up front and shoulder lenght in the back, Castiel liked him immediately.

“Ah. Cas! I have to agree with Jo, you have a very handsome face. No homo, just saying. Nice to meet you.” he said dry and took a sip from his coffee.

Sam shook his head with a smile and introduced Castiel to the last member of the crew, Nick.  
He was the gardener who also took care of the horses. A gloomy guy with a sturdy face who didn’t say much, he scared Castiel just as much as he fascinated him. Apparently he was great with horses. They called him the Whisperer. Not because he was a horse whisperer, but because he said barely anything.

He was also told there was another woman called Tessa, but she didn’t work on the weekends. She was the housekeeper.

“And what’s your job?” Castiel asked Sam as they made their way to the stables.

“Me? I’m a Jack of all trades, just like Dean. But Dean is more into fixing machinery these days. Which is a shame, he is great with horses.”

Castiel nodded, thinking about that mysterious guy who had been playing the piano in the house earlier. Dean sure was interesting, he just couldn’t really make out what exactly it was that made him interesting.

“And my dad will be back in about a month.” Sam said. “He’s on a business trip to the Netherlands to find a new stallion.”

And then the penny dropped “The Netherlands? Awesome! Your boss must really trust him with stuff like that. And what’s his job around here?”

Sam frowned “How much was there in the advert about the job?” he asked suspicious.

Castiel gulped “Only the job description and Jo’s phone number.” he said carefully.

Sam rolled his eyes “That little bitch! I don’t understand how she’s still working here.”

“Hey! I heard that!” Jo exclaimed and stormed out the house

Castiel still didn’t fully understand what was happening. It was all going too fast. And Sam could probably read it from is face. He gave him a sympathetic look and laid his hand on Castiel’s shoulder.

“My dad owns the ranch. This place is our family business. Welcome to the Winchester ranch!” he said with a big smile, exposing his toothpaste-commercial-white teeth and throwing his arms in the air.

And at that moment the penny dropped. Sam and Dean lived there, this was their home. Realization hit him and Castiel felt the need to smack himself for being so ignorant. Of course they lived there!

“Don’t sweat it!” Sam said and patted his shoulder. “It’s Jo’s fault for screwing up the advert and my dad’s for not checking it before she mailed it to the newspaper.”

“Actually it was a lucky guess what her phone number was, the rain had smudged out part of it. But, now I’m really wondering, why did she mail it to the Memphis Daily?” Castiel asked.

Sam gave him a displeased look “Memphis Daily? She put it in the Memphis Daily?!”

Castiel gulped and nodded “That’s where I got her number from.”

“Oh my God! Are you serious?! No wonder nobody called! Don’t get me wrong, Jo is a sweet girl, great with the horses… But she is so dumb!” Sam chuckled

Castiel was secretly hoping he’d see Dean again, but it seemed like he had vanished without a trace. It was something he did often, Sam had told him.  
It had left Castiel with an unpleasant emptyness in the pit of his stomach, as if he was thirsty for something, but he couldn’t quite figure out why.


	3. Lasagna à la Betsy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _updated 5-5-2016_

~~~~~~

After some Skype calls and tons of text messages Malcom booked Castiel a plane ticket to Nashville. He had told Castiel all about his life, the awesome things he did and owned. All about his car collection, the audio book he was recording, the mansion he owned in Knoxville.  
On the plane Castiel was already fantasizing about what Malcom would bring to pick him up. Would it be the Lamborghini or the new Hummer he had just bought. The pictures he had received looked very promising.

**I can’t wait to meet you in real life! I’m gonna show you all the cool stuff here in Tennessee. I’ve got a little surprise for you as well ;) xxx**

Something fluttered in Castiel’s stomach and he was sure it was butterflies down there and he shifted in his seat nervously, raking his fingers over his pants. He stared out the little round window as Nashville airport started to come closer and closer.

 

Castiel entered the entrance hall, his trolley dragging behind him and his overpacked backpack uncomfortably tugging on his shoulders.  
He looked around expectantly, searching the crowd for that one familiar face. He saw how all the other arrivals were greeting people, hugging loved ones, kissing their significant others. But Malcom wasn’t there.  
he took his cellphone from his pocket and checked his messages.

**I’ll be a bit later, traffic’s like hell! xxx**

Castiel let out a small disappointed sigh and started typing **_How much longer?_**

Not much later his phone buzzed again. **10 minutes tops. Wait for me outside. xxx**

He bit his lip and stuffed the phone back into his pocket. His eyes scanned the building for the exit and he made his way outside. The icy cold wind shocking his systems as he left the building.

~~~~~~

 

“Ground control to major Tom! Hello? Cas?” Sam waved a hand in front of his face, dragging him back to reality.  
Castiel blinked a couple times and looked at Sam, who had an amused smirk spread over his face.

“What?” he said, feeling a little disoriented.

“Looks like you zoned out a bit. Are you okay?” Sam asked, the smirk had disappeared and made place for a slight hint of concern.

Castiel nodded quickly. “Yeah! I’m fine! Totally fine. Don’t you worry about me.” He cleared his throat.

Sam smiled again. “Good! So, the stables… For now I’ll just show you around. Tomorrow Dean will show you all the ropes. Not the sexy kind of ropes though.” He laughed.

Dean? Castiel’s heart skipped a short beat at the mention of that name.

“Actually the ropes you use on horses are pretty suitable for bondage.” Castiel stated, immediately slapping a hand over his mouth for letting the words out.

Sam knitted his eyebrows and tilted his head a little. “How do you- Actually, no. I don’t wanna know.” He chuckled and opened the door leading to the stables.

Castiel had expected to walk into a stench of horses and droppings but instead it smelled of fresh hay and freshly mowed grass.  
Three horses curiously poked their heads out over the low stable doors nickering loudly.

The stables were beautiful. The skylights casted sunrays over the corridor, complimenting the light colored wood and the orange brown bricks covering the floor. There were stables were on both sides, every stable was numbered and had a name tag it with the name of the horse.

“Most of the horses are outside this time of day.” Sam explained. “Two of those beauties are almost ready to deliver, so we keep them seperated from the others. We don’t want them to get in a fight and get kicked. And the other one is halting, poor animal. But she’s recovering pretty good. I expect she can be outside with her friends in a couple weeks.”

Castiel smiled. “They’re pregnant?” He walked to the closest horse, carefully approaching the big head that was sticking out.

“Don’t worry, Molly is a sweetheart! She’s one of my favorites. You can do almost anything with her, as meek as a lamb she is.” He walked to the stable door and greeting Molly with a caress on her nose and a pat on her neck. In return Molly nibbled at Sam’s ear.  
For a second Castiel was afraid the mare was going to chew Sam’s ear off, but Sam laughed and beckoned at Castiel to come a little closer to the big bay horse.

“Wow, she really is big!” Castiel said in awe when he saw the belly of the horse, big and round and sticking out at the sides. “And she’s tall!”

“You haven’t seen anything yet, Molly’s withers is just 5 foot 6. Withers is the little bump at the base of the neck, it’s the point where the height of the horse is measured. I’ll tell you as much about horses as I possibly can. Don’t worry if you forget anything. Everybody here will be helping you. If you don’t understand anything or need help, just ask. We’d rather have you ask than that you try to figure it out on your own and injure a horse or even worse, yourself. The safety of the crew always has priority over the horse’s. Understood?”

Castiel nodded and brough his hand up to touch that soft looking nose of Molly. She softly pressed into his touch, sniffing in the scent of his hand and breathing against it slowly. It was indeed very soft. He felt the urge to take soft head between his hands and press his face against the warm, fuzzy snout and lose himself in the texture.

“Calming, isn’t it?” Sam asked softly.

Castiel sighed softly and nodded. The peace that this animal was radiating was immense and Castiel absorbed it all. For a short moment there was nothing more than the horse and him. No thoughts, no memories, no bad feelings, no time. Just that big nose pressed against his hand.

“I can tell she likes you very much.” Sam said, a soft smile curving his lips. “How about I show you the rest of the ranch, we have dinner after and then we come back here to groom Molly and Bella?”

Castiel nodded, not taking his eyes off Molly’s. He had thought horses were big and stubborn and scary aggressive. But this wasn’t even close to that. He was so at peace and actually he didn’t want to eat anymore and just stay there for just a little while longer. An hour or two maybe?  
_Wait, did he just say dinner? He didn’t have to provide his own food?_

“Come on.” Sam said “Say goodbye to Molly, we’ll be right back.”

Castiel had to practically rip his hand away, that animal was too soft for his own good.  
“Bye, Molly. We’ll be back.”

Molly blinked lazily and turned around in her stall to munch on the hay that was lying in the corner.

“Cas?” He was getting impatient.

Castiel turned around, looking at Sam’s quasi smiling face “I’m ready to go!” he said quickly and walked after him.  
Sam showed him around tackroom, where they kept the food for the horses, the medicine cabinet, the first aid box and the paddocks outside.

“Nick will give you your first lesson somewhere next week. He’s real good.”

“He’s gonna teach me about gardening?”

Sam chuckled “No, silly. Riding! On a horse. You’re working on a horse ranch now. You should at least be able to ride.”

Castiel gulped. He had seen some nasty accidents happening on TV. The image of him, sitting on a living animal with its own will? It scared him, and not just a little.

The tall boy shook his head with a smile “Don’t worry! Nick knows exactly what horse would fit you best to learn the ins and outs of riding. He taught me how to ride too. And Dean. Dean is a great equestrian. Too bad he never rides anymore.” The volume of Sam’s voice softened near the end of his sentence and his eyes went blank.

Castiel hadn’t noticed the look on Sam’s face and just kept walking “Why not? What happened?” he asked as they walked past the paddocks back to the house.

Sam’s eyes went from blank to watery and he swallowed them away “Four years ago there was a fire in the stables, an old employee was smoking and somehow he managed to set the stash of straw on fire. We all tried to save the horses and mom… She…” his voice began to tremble and he brought his hands to his face to wipe away the tears spilling over.

Castiel forgot how to breathe for a second. He had noticed the absence of a mother figure in this picture, he just hadn’t really taken the time to ask about it, and he he felt horrible for having it brought up into the conversation. He bit his lip, trying to decide if he should put a hand on Sam’s shoulder or do nothing and simply apologize.  
He decided to do the hand thing, which didn’t really work out since Sam very tall and his hand was on Sam’s shoulder for only an awkward second before he pulled it back.

“I’m sorry.” he muttered.

Sam nodded “She died trying to save the very last horse that was trapped in the back of the stable. The horse made it out alive but my mom… In his panic the horse must’ve kicked her. She lost consciousness and suffocated. It’s a comforting thought that she didn’t suffer. But it’s still weird that she ran in but never came out. There wasn’t much left of her when the firefighters finally arrived. I had to tackle Dean and pin him to the ground to keep him outside…”  
He wiped away a stray tear and frowned “I’m sorry for dumping this shit load on you. I don’t even know why I’m telling you this. I just… I have this feeling I can tell you anything even though I barely know you.”

Castiel smiled a bit “Yeah, I get that a lot.”

“I think we’d better head inside before Dean gets cranky, he must be finished with dinner by now.

Sam was right, Dean was just taking off the grey oven mittens he was wearing to get the lasagna out the oven. It smelled amazing and Castiel mouth was watering at merely the sight of it.  
He sat down at the kitchen table next to Sam and looked at Dean. He took off the mittens matching apron and seperated the lasagna over the three plates.

“You made this yourself?” Castiel asked.

Dean chuckled and looked around the room as he sat down “Do you see anyone else in this kitchen?” he asked, sounding awfully sarcastic.

It hurt Castiel. It was just a little sarcasm but somehow he couldn’t take it lightly so he just kept his mouth shut and followed the guys example by digging into the nice heap of steaming lasagna that was in front of him, having trouble to not moan out in pleasure. It looked good, it smelled good, but Jesus Christ that man was a damn good cook!

Sam didn’t even try to hold himself back, groaning as he scooped another bite into his mouth. “Oh my God, Dean. You have outdone yourself once again. This is GOOD!” he stated.

Dean smirked “I guess it must be my secret ingredient.” he said and wiggled his eyebrows as he took a big bite.

Sam’s content smile faded a little and he lowered his fork “Oh no…” he said softly “Who?”

Castiel tried to wrap his head around it, was Sam talking about a person here?”

Dean’s smirk grew even wider “Oh yes! It’s Betsy.”

Sam’s smile had vanished completely and he stared at his plate with a displeased look “I can’t believe it. He killed her?”

Castiel’s eyes widened and he looked at the hot food on his plate. Betsy?! Was he eating human flesh?! He could feel his stomach twist a little.

“Come on, Sammy. She was old, she had a great life-”

Just when he thought he was safe and away from that monster he got stuck in another hell. Cannibals, seriously? Did he just got himself into an episode of Hannibal? 

“She was my favorite!” Sam yelled “And now you’re feeding her to me?!”

Castiel gulped “I eh… I’m full.” He said and pushed his plate a couple inches away. Dean looked at him. First he frowned, he was thinking. What was he thinking of? Was he going to force the food down his throat? What if he was offended and would lock Castiel in the basement or hit him for not finishing his dinner? He could feel himself sink into the wooden chair further and further and his heart started racing again.

“Wait a second,” Dean said and started to smile “You think we’re talking about a girl here, don’t you?”

Castiel gulped and pushed his nails into the palms of his hands again, looking away from Dean’s piercing gaze.

“Ooooh my God.” Sam chuckled “This… this is too funny!”

Dean started laughing and leaned back into his chair, taking a new bite of his lasagna. “Sammy, you tell him.” He said with his mouth full.

Sam gave him a pityful look through his amused smile “Casper… Betsy was a cow. Our neighbour, Bobby, he owns dairy cows. When those cows grow old and stop giving milk they go to the shambles and in some cases, like in the case of Betsy, Bobby slaughters them himself, to honor their lives and use as much of the animal as possible. He always gives us a little something.” He explained and looked at his plate again as he heaved a heavy sigh. “In this case he gave us beef.”

Dean was still laughing and almost choked on his food “Oh God, that’s awesome. You really thought I just cooked you… That I…” He couldn’t say anything more because he broke down in hysterical laughter.

Castiel looked at the contrast on the boys’ faces. The one slightly disappointed and the other almost rolling on the floor from laughing so hard.

Sam smiled a bit and put a hand on his shoulder “Just eat the lasagne, Cas. it’s just a cow, we’re not force feeding you girls.”

Dean stopped laughing immediately “Not that anybody would mind that!” he exclaimed and started laughing again.

Castiel finished his dinner reluctantly. Yes, it was pretty funny that he thought he was eating a human. And after a couple days on barely any food he must’ve been able to eat more than the bit he had on his plate but when Dean offered him another portion he thanked him and excused himself with the pretext that he had to unpack his bags and he’d be back to help washing the dishes.  
It was bullshit, of course. He only had two bags and barely any stuff. And yet when he was done and came back downstairs Sam was already drying the last plate.

“I’m sorry. I wanted to-” Castiel started, but Sam cut him off.

“Don’t be sorry. It must be a weird day for you. I can tell you have had a rough time lately. So don’t sweat it. We will be here to guide you through everything and you will find that horses can be very calming for the mind.”

That’s when he knew that Sam could see right through him. And even though he was only trying to comfort him it scared the living daylight out of him. He didn’t want anybody looking into his brain, into his mind and the core of his soul. The last time somebody did that he-

“I’m sorry, but I can’t help you grooming Molly tonight. Ellen just called, she has some problems with her laptop and she will come over here and drag me along to fix it if I don’t go right now. You could help Dean if you like. As far as I know he’s bringing the horses inside at the moment.” Sam said before Castiel could drift away in his maze of thoughts and memories any further.

Castiel nodded slowly, he wasn’t really paying attention but all he got out of it was that Sam was going away, maybe help Dean, blah blah.  
And suddenly Castiel realized it had been a while since he last washed himself.  
“Actually… I’d like to take a shower if that’s okay.”

Sam put the plates away in one of the kitchen cabinets and wiped his hands off to his jeans “Of course that’s okay! You live here now! Uh… You can find clean towels in the washroom. I haven’t gotten you any soap or shampoo so you can just use whatever is in the bathroom, unless you brought your own stuff you want to use.”

“Thank you, you’re… you’re too good to me.” Castiel said softly.

Sam smiled “That’s okay, go get yourself freshed up. I have no idea what time I will be back but just know that I’ll wake you up at seven thirty tomorrow morning.”

Castiel gulped “S-seven thirty? But it’s Sunday tomorrow!”

“Exactly!, On monday it will be six am. Consider yourself lucky you came here on the weekend. Now go before I make you go!” Sam chuckled. Castiel smiled and nodded, see you tomorrow I guess.

“Probably, yes. Good night, Cas.”

“Bye, Sam.” And with those words Castiel started to search the house for the washingroom, which he found next to the bathroom on the first floor next to the winding staircase that lead to the attic and his room.  
He snatched away a random towel and entered the bathroom, locking the door behind him. He liked how roomy it was. And just as bright as the rest of the house. He shot a look at the big bathtub, knowing he was going to take a dip in that thing some day. Now he just wanted to clean himself up and go to bed early, maybe dive into one of the novels that were in bookcase in his room.  
He stripped from his clothes and dropped them in the middle of the floor. He didn’t have to worry about anyone getting angry for letting them litter the place anymore.

Castiel looked in the mirror and pushed the somewhat greasy strands of hair from his forehead. The cut on his eyebrow was healing good, but it was turning into a scar, just as he had predicted. The other bruises on his body were barely visible anymore. 

He turned on the shower and let it run warm before he stepped underneath the cascading water, letting the heat of the liquid ease the tension in his shoulders. The water pressure was perfect. Castiel leaned his head against the cold tile wall and just stood there for a moment, afraid to close his eyes but he had to blink at least every once in a while to clear his vision from the water. He didn’t want to close his eyes too long and finding himself back in Memphis when he opened them again.

 _Relax, he’s away. Far away. He can’t hurt you anymore and you know it. You can live in peace now._ He thought to himself. Paining himself with memories wasn’t going to get him anywhere. He groaned softly and rubbed his shoulders, trying to massage the knots out of his muscles but without any effect so he just started to soap himself up. His neck, his chest and his armpits. He washed his arms and his back as far as he could reach. 

 

~~~~~~

It was a Smart car. A small, gross, blue Smart car Malcom used to pick him up from the airport and for a while he thought that he had been lied to. But he explained that the Smart car didn’t use as much fuel as the other cars he owned, therefore it was cheaper, therefore he had more money to buy all the big toys.  
And Malcom turned out to be a great guy, energetic and very honest. Not as slim as he had looked in the pictures on his profile and absolutely not that young, it was pretty obvious that the man had to dye his hair, sideburns _and_ pencil moustache at least once every two or three weeks, but he was very kind.

Castiel didn’t need a lot of time to realize that this man was also in an open relationship with food, which explained the paunch he was supporting perfectly. They talked about life over dinner and Malcom used one of his six expensive smartphones he had laid out on the table next to him to book them a night in a room, a good one, five star ranking and the best reviews. It turned out to be a bed and breakfast just out of town called “That Lovely Spot”. It was indeed lovely, and big and the view was stunning.  
The owned even left them a bottle of white wine, Castiel’s favorite. Malcom didn’t drink any alcohol, nor did he smoke so Castiel had the bottle all to himself.

“Hey, don’t think I forgot about this little thing.” Malcom said with a naughty twinkle in his eyes and pulled out a big box from one of his 7 bags. “Open it. I hope they fit.”

“Even more surprises? You know you don’t have to do this, I-”

“Just take the damn box!” Malcom practically pushed the box in Castiel’s hands.

Castiel smiled a little and sat down on the kingsize bed with the box on his lap. He took the lid off and stared down at a pair of brand new cowboy boots. They were beautiful, real leather, sturdy soles and handcrafted details. And they were the right size.  
He whistled between his teeth and looked up at Malcom “You are giving them to me? These beauties?”

Malcom nodded “Yeah, originally I bought them for my ex. He wore them once when we went to the cinema and put them back in the box right after. Try them on! I wanna see what you look like when you wear them!”

Castiel grinned and toed off his ancient sneakers. He slipped his feet into the leather, feeling it fitting perfectly. “Perfect fit.” He said softly with a gently smirk spread on his face.

Malcom bit his lip “Babe, actually I only wanted to give you thise in case you were gonna be my boyfriend but… Keep them. Whatever happens, I want you to have those boots. They look perfect on you!”

Castiel’s eyes widened “Really?! Oh my God, thank you so much! I love them!”

Malcom’s eyes darkened and he pulled Castiel to his feet, leaning into his ear and whispered “Why don’t you show me grateful you are?”

He was nervous, so nervous, but Malcome deserved more than just a “thank you” a hug and kiss on the cheek. This man had bought him a plane ticket, a meal, a night in a real bed and those wonderful brown leather cowboy boots. Castiel thought for a moment and got an idea. He looked up at the tall man in front of him “Why don’t you get yourself cleaned up and I’ll get ready.”

Malcom didn’t say anything, he took Castiel’s face between his hands and kissed his lips deeply until Castiel pulled back for air, feeling something inside of him snap. But he told himself it was okay, told himself to ignore it and just go for it. This man would be able to make all his dreams come true. This man could make his world turn around and if he had to make some sacrifices to get there he would.

Malcom flashed Castiel one more dirty smirk “I can tell we’re going to get along just fine.” he said before he disappeared into the bathroom.

 _Am I about to have sex for shoes?_ He looked at his feet, letting the soft leather caress his eyes and he smiled. _Yes, I’m about to have to have sex for shoes!_

~~~~~~

 

Castiel stared at his crotch, he didn’t like how the hair was so long down there. He always found it gross. He hadn’t thought of it to buy some razors when he was on the road. He would go into town to get some essentials to at least groom himself.  
He gathered the soap from his chest and started to scrub his stomach and hips, slowly working his way to the centre. He washed off the soap and gently let his hand slip down the length of his cock, which twitched gently at the touch. Castiel couldn’t even remember the last time he had touched himself. He cupped his balls with his left hand and carefully tugged, sending out a wave of pleasure that twisted through his abdomen and exploded in his chest. He let his mouth fall open to suck in some air and bit his lip.  
He wanted to allow himself, but every sensation and stimulus had been warped into selfloathing.

_But it feels so good_

He looked down again, not sure what to do the half hard-on. But he deserved pleasure too, right? He looked at the door to make sure it was locked an turned around, leaning his back against the wall and letting the water tickle on his scalp.

_Just do it already_

Castiel smiled at himself and ran his hand up and down his cock again, softly rubbing his thumb over his glans. He let himself feel the old warmth again he hadn’t felt for so long. Cherishing every single move, not an inch left untouched.  
He just closed his eyes and simply lost himself like he used to do.  
Dean was there too, lying in the grass. His white tanktop was ripped up a bit and his fingers were tucked behind the waistband of his wornout jeans. He was calling his name.

“Cas?”

_knock knock knock_

“Casper?”

Castiel opened his eyes. “Shit.” he hissed softly. “Yeah?!” he shouted and turned off the shower so he could hear Dean instead of the rushing and falling of the water.

“Uhm… I don’t wanna disturb you or anything but you’ve been in there for over half an hour and I would like to at least freshen up a bit before I go to bed.”

Castiel let go of his dick and sighed, cursing himself for being stupid enough to even think that touching himself would turn out to be a good idea. “Sorry, I must’ve lost track of time! Give me two minutes!” He said quickly and hopped out the shower, racing to the uncoordinated pile of clothes to wriggle his dripping wet legs into his pants again. Not even bothering to dry himself off first.

“That’s okay man, take your time. Just wrap it up so I can-”

Castiel swung the door open, bare-chested, hair wet with a pile of dirty laundry wrapped up in his arms and his pants still unbuttoned.  
“The room is all yours.” Castiel said quickly.

Dean’s eyes quickly scanned Castiel from head to toe, halfway back up, down again and top. “You could at least have taken the time to get yourself dried up… Dude.” Was he trying to sound annoyed by Castiel’s messy appearance? Or was he just imagining things like that?

“Just… Ju- Enjoy your shower.” Castiel said and walked around Dean, making sure _not_ to touch him as he past him. He practically sprinted up to his room. Well… “his” might be a big word. He was just sleeping there, he kept his personal belongings there, that didn’t make the room his property, did it? He didn’t pay any rent. So it wasn’t his room. He just spent the night there.

When he reached the room he realized he had forgotten his towel. He smacked himself in the head. Dean was in there now, showering, naked, with the door… locked, of course.

Castiel dropped his clothes on the armchair and lowered himself onto the bed, letting himself sink into goose down duvet. It wasn’t until that very moment he realized he was still sporting a boner.

“Well shit.” He groaned. Dean must’ve seen that too… “Fuck!”  
He wasn’t in the mood for reading anymore, he peeled his pants off, flung them on top of the other clothes and pulled on a fresh pair of boxershorts. Actually he just wanted to pack all his belongings again and become invisible, sneak out, find another job, forget everything that happened on the Winchester ranch.  
He wanted to, but he knew it would be stupid to run away from an opportunity like this. He had a roof over his head, food, clothes, a job and he was over seven hundred miles away from that horrible man. If working here meant he could live here he didn’t even want the money.  
It took him all the courage he had left to lie down in that bed and not bail before anyone would notice.

His damp hair was sticky and uncomfortable but Castiel forced himself to ignore it and he closed his eyes. He let his hands grab for the edges of the bed, making sure that he was the only one in that bed.  
All alone. So alone it made him want to laugh and cry at the same time. Months, no, years he had been praying for some time on his own and now that that time was there he just wanted somebody with him, someone who would hold him and push that wet hair out of his face.  
Dean crossed his mind for a second, but he was still too ashamed to embrace that thought.

He turned to his side and curled himself up, facing the wall and pulled the overly fluffy duvet over his shoulder.

 

It seemed like he had only been asleep for a couple minutes when Castiel woke up again. His bladder was full and his mouth was dry and he pressed his face into his pillow, not wanting to get up and go all the way downstairs but he simply had no other choice.

He threw on his oversized metallica T-shirt and walked down the stairs on his bare feet, shivering as they touched the cold marble floor. He emptied his bladder and walked to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water, but something else caught his attention.  
Soft music allured him to walk in another direction, leading him to the big livingroom on the other side of the house.  
He stopped at the door post his toes on the sill. Somebody was softly playing the piano but the person was occulted by the darkness of the night. Castiel just stood there in silence, letting the unknown song take away his thoughts and calm his mind.

The person stopped playing, they closed the lid and stood up from the music stool.  
“Sammy, go back to bed.” Dean said and flicked the light on.

Castiel blinked against the sudden brightness of the light and buried his face in the crook of his elbow.

“Casper? What the hell?” Dean hissed.

Castiel slowly lowered his arm and looked at Dean with narrowed, tired eyes. “I couldn’t sleep. I came downstairs to get some water but I heard you play and… Uh… You play beautifully, I love it.” he said softly

Dean didn’t speak, he just stared at Castiel for a moment and shifted his heels on the floor nervously. “Uhm… Thanks. I normally don’t play for an audience.”

“Why not? It sounds amazing.” Castiel said with an unbelief filled voice.

“I just don’t. Good night, Cas.” He mumbled and slipped past him, fleeing upstairs and leaving Castiel behind.

He didn’t know what to do, he was so surprised by Dean’s reaction that he just stood there, right there leaning against the door frame in the lit room. Overthinking what he might have done wrong. Was he still upset about his _appearance_ when he got out the bathroom?  
He could feel the shame rise to his chest again, making him feel heavy. He wanted to hit himself. The thoughts about running away quickly shot through his head again. He closed his eyes and shook his head. _No! No no no! Man up and pull through!_  
He found the lightswitch, turned off the bright light and went back to bed without the glass of water he originally went downstairs for. He didn’t feel like he deserved it so he punished himself by going to bed with a dry mouth and an itchy throat.

He trudged back upstairs, his feet feeling like blocks of concrete he had to drag behind him. The bed was cold and the goose down was nowhere near as fluffy as it was when he left the mattress. He didn’t feel worthy of a bed, but after some tossing and turning he finally managed to close his eyes and drift away to sleep.

 

Breakfast was already served out on plates and waiting at the table when Castiel found his way to the kitchen. French toast with powdered sugar and maple syrup. Sam was just about to dig in and Dean… Where was Dean?  
Castiel dragged the chair from underneath the neatly set table and sat down. He stared at the silver cutlery and the full plate for a while. He wasn’t really that hungry. It was too early for breakfast. Hell, he never really ate breakfast.

“Cas, you okay?” Sam asked. Of course he had noticed. Was he a psychic or something?

Castiel picked up the fork and poked the toast, trying to motivate himself to cut off a piece and shove the damn thing in his mouth. “ ‘M fine. Just not so hungry.” He mumbled.

Sam sniggered and took a sip from his coffee. “I know it’s early, but you’ve gotta eat something. Working with horses is very physical and you need the nutrition to keep going until at least 12 ‘o clock. Plus… Dean made this breakfast, if he’d find out you wasted food he’s gonna be pissed.” He rested his elbows on the table and folded his fingers around the ceramic mug, slowly taking another sip.

Reluctantly Castiel started eating, finding it wasn’t actually that bad. Dean had already proved to be a good cook with the lasagna à la Betsy. He finished his breakfast and flushed the last bite away with some coffee.  
Sam was staring out the window and almost choked on his coffee, he dropped the mug on the table, jumped up and stormed outside.


	4. Flashbacks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took me an eternity. It was really hard for me to write this down and keep my nuts together. Please forgive me. I will try the best I can to post new chapters on a regular basis.
> 
> Trigger warning!
> 
> _updated 5-5-2016_

The dark brown liquid was rapidly spreading and staining the white table cloth. Castiel frowned and jerked his head around in confusion to see what the hell was going on. When he saw why Sam had ran off so fast, he suddenly wasn’t as enthousiastic about his first working day as he was before. Not that he actually had been looking forward to today. Since his ‘collisions’ with Dean last night he had been tossing and turning in his bed. Trying to shake the awkwardness out of his limbs, but the heavy restlessness seemed to be glued to his arms and legs.

A white horse had escaped and was wildly running around, bucking and kicking and rearing at Dean as he tried to get a hold on the lead rope again. Dean had been doing a great job dodging the kicks so far, sometimes only missing the hooves by mere inches.

Sam ran towards them and stood right in front of the horse, his arms stretched out in the air. Without looking at Castiel he yelled something at him, beckoning his arms and yelling again. Castiel hesitantly put his coffee mug down and ran outside, stopping at a safe distance from the horse.

“Cas, open one of the boxes. NOW!” Sam yelled.

Catiels looked at the entrance of the stables, it was on the exact other of the crazy horse that was still nervously spinning circles and bucking. He gulped.

“Go! Now!” Sam yelled again.

Dean was still jumping and dodging kicks while trying to get a hold of the lead.

“For the love of God! Just RUN!” Dean exclaimed.

Castiel gulped and just started running, as he was running around the horse it decided to kick its hind legs, missing Castiel’s face by a hair.  
He sprinted into the stables and ripped the door open to one of the stable boxes. As he turned around Dean had already caught the lead and pulled the head of the animal down, quickly wrapping the lead around the nose and tugging it.  
The white horse still seemed pretty freaked out but at least it had stopped kicking and bucking and Dean escorted it trotting into the box Castiel had just opened.  
Dean removed the lead and walked out of the box, swinging the door close with a sarcastic looking smile curving his lips.

“Cas, this is Snow. Snow, meet Cas. Snow, this is his first day here so thanks for traumatizing the kid already! If you don’t learn how to behave I’ll chop your balls off personally or drop you off at Bobby’s, understood?” Dean said dry.

Okay, it turned out to be a stallion, good to know. And yes, Castiel was absolutely shocked and his heart still felt like it was gonna burst through his ribcage if it continued to beat like that. Day one and he got nearly killed by that animal.

“I never liked this stupid beast anyway.” Dean mumbled and glanced at the extremely white horse. He was now nibbling on some hay and didn’t show any signs that something horrible happened only seconds ago. “He shouldn’t be so fucking WHITE!” he exclaimed and kicked the door. Castiel flinched but Snow didn’t even move. He just stood there, looking at Dean as if he was an idiot.

Castiel stared at Dean with big shocked eyes.

“Calm down, Dean.” Sam said softly as he walked towards them. “It’s not his fault and-”

“Yes, it is his fault.” Dean rumbled under his voice.

“What happened anyway?”

“I was trying to get this monster outside but got loose, kicked me in the stomach-” Dean lifted his shirt, showing the deep red hoof print on his abdomen. Castiel and Sam gave him a shocked look  
“Don’t look like that! It isn’t that bad. He just ran off!”

Sam rolled his eyes “Did you smoke again?”

“Hey! This is the only nag that was never bothered by smoke!” Dean tried to defend himself.

Sam heaved a sigh. Not because he was annoyed, there was something else on his face. Disappointment? No, this was different. But Castiel knew better than to try and read people. He had lost that ability a long time ago. The last time he tried to read somebody he had been terribly wrong. So horribly wrong…

“Come on, Cas. Sam has work to do. I’m showing you how we usually get things done around here. If you don’t understand something please say so. We rather-”

 _Yes, I know. Rather have me ask than messing things up and getting someone hurt._ Castiel wasn’t even listeing anymore. He was still hypnotized by Snow. How could that weird animal be so stressed out one moment and completely relaxed all the sudden.

“Sammy, you okay?” Dean asked. His voice was softer, relaxed. 

Sam nodded “Yeah, I’m okay. Will you be okay though? That bruise is no joke! I think we’d better get a cold pack for that.”

“I’m fine. Just… Just go. I’ll keep an eye on Casper. Everything will be o-fucking-kay. You do whatever you have to do.” He said and just started walking.  
Casper, looks like he was just gonna have to live with that name. And actually he didn’t mind, it kinda helped him forget all the memories that were linked to his real name. A shiver shot through his spine when he thought of all the times that name had been screamed in his ear, and not in the kinky way. 

Sam let his shoulders hang and trudged back inside the house. Castiel had to pull a little sprint to catch up with Dean.

“So, Cas. What brings you all the way to Lebanon?”

“I eh… I found the advert in the newspaper.” he mumbled.

Dean quirked an eyesbrow “Yeah, in Memphis I heard. Why come all that way. Don’t you have family… A girlfriend maybe?” he asked carefully.

Castiel chuckled and nervously ran his fingers through his messy, half long hair “Family, not exactly. And after my last _”relationship”_...” Castiel shook his head.

“Is that why you’re here? Because of a girl?”

Actually… That would be a very good cover. Heartbroken and looking for a new start, moving to the countryside and rediscovering himself.  
He smiled a little at himself and nodded “Yeah. It was a rough breakup and I just need some time away from the big city.”

There seemed to be a tiny shimmer of disappointment in Dean’s eyes and he looked down at his boots, They reminded Castiel of the boots Malcom had given him. Cowboy boots. He admired them just as much as he loathed them.  
The awkwardness between them seemed to have faded a little and Castiel’s heartbeat had started to return to its original pace.

“You know anything about horses?”

Castiel shook his head “Yesterday I mistook some for cows on the way here. Until three years ago I thought that dressage and dressing were the same thing and where I was relaxed with Molly just a day ago I am now still trembling from the tantrum that Snow just threw. So please, teach me how to survive this.”

Dean laughed “Don’t worry. Sam and I will make sure you will live. Come on. Sam said you didn’t get the chance to groom Molly yesterday. That should calm you down instantly. And it’s sunday, so we can relax.”

Castiel knitted his eyebrows and frowned at Dean. “Then why do we have to get up so damn early? It’s weekend!”

“It’s just the way our family works. Dad has always been very strict about our daily routine. It was awful in the beginning, but it grows on you.” Dean grabbed the halter from a hook next to Molly’s stable and opened the door, handing the halter to Castiel. Molly lifted her head and turned around, sniffing Castiel’s fingers.

“You pull this end over the nose and then this end over the ears.” Dean said.

Castiel slowly stepped closer to the mare, trying not to startle her with sudden movements.

“Don’t worry, Molly is very relaxed.” Dean said and gave Castiel a little push into the box. Molly’s nose was now only inches away from his face and he gulped. She could kick him any second. Castiel stepped back again, his arms hugging his chest.  
But Dean grabbed his wrists. The sudden touch made Castiel tense up even more but Dean pulled his arms away and started to guide them towards Molly’s head.

“She won’t bite.” He said softly and guided Castiel’s hands to put on the halter.

Castiel closed his eyes and turned his head.

“There, all done.” Dean chuckled and pushed a rope in his hands. “Now we get her to the washing place. Just start walking, Molly will follow. Come on.” Dean had started walking already and beckoned his hand to Castiel to make him follow.

He slowly started to walk and Molly indeed followed him. She wasn’t even tugging, she just followed.  
When they reached the washing place Dean had already gotten himself another horse to groom. Dean gave him a small smile and helped him to get Molly into the tight space and strap the halter to the chains that were supposed to keep her in place. Not that she was going to walk away, Dean explained, but you’d better get it in your system. Not all the horses were as easy as Molly.  
No shit, Castiel shivered as he thought of that big white stallion again.

Dean showed him how to use which brush in what order and how to clean out the hooves. Castiel followed his instructions. Molly was very calm and somehow it was contagious.  
In silence they were grooming the horses. Dean would occasionally throw him a question, about his hobbies, how old he was, the normal stuff like that. After telling Dean his age and that he didn’t really do anything but read novels and sometimes write, he learned that Dean was 26. He was surprised to find out that Sam was 22. He had guessed him younger but it was funny to know that he and Sam were nearly the same age just then.

Of course Dean was done grooming with his horse long before Castiel and he would be bringing some horses in and out. He told Castiel to just stay relaxed and not hurry anything. So Castiel stayed behind with Molly while Dean walked up and down the stables.

Every once in a while Castiel put the brush down to give his arms a rest.

 

~~~~~~

The day after their first night at the B&B was great. Malcom took Castiel shopping, something Castiel hadn’t done in ages and he was having trouble accepting all the beautiful clothes that Malcom was buying for him. 

“Just know that if you see anything you like you only have to say so. I just have one rule. Whatever you pick has to blow me away. It has to be marvelous, stunning. Understood?”

Castiel wasn’t planning on picking out anything but he nodded anyway. He didn’t feel worthy of the beautiful stuff he was seeing in the overprized shops. Yes, he saw plenty he liked. Some things just took his breath away.

“What about this, hm?”

Castiel turned his head. Malcom was holding a dress. A fucking _dress_ , for _women_. Not that Castiel had never considered trying women’s clothing but the navy blue pin-up style sailor dress was a bit too much. Even more since it was an older man who had picked it out for him to wear in a _crowded shop_.

Castiel carefully looked around, already seeing some people shooting weird looks at him, Malcom didn’t seem to care though.

“Is this your size?” he asked, holding the dress out in front of Castiel.

He could feel heat creeping up from his neck to his cheeks and he shrugged nervously. “I don’t know-”

“Just try it on!” he said and pushed Castiel towards and inside one of the changing rooms. Reluctantly he took his clothes off and pulled the dress over his head. Of course it was too small. He might have looked like he wasn’t big but he still had some muscles to make up for it.

Malcom ended up buying the dress, only a size bigger, a pair of pants that were so tightly fitted that only Gerard Way or Andy Biersack would feel comfortable in, some super-duper gay shirts that would catch anyone’s attention since they were covered in sparkles and glitter and, the weirdest of all, three packs of nylon stockings. The fancy one with dark toes and a line that goes to the back of the legs.  
Castiel didn’t complain, except for humiliating shopping he still had a great day and was looking forward to the next day.

But that next day didn’t turn out exactly as he hoped. There was something going on with Malcom’s mother. The poor aged woman was recovering from some kind of surgery and Malcom had no choice but to go there, taking Castiel with him.  
It was a small house, it was fucking _tiny_ actually, making the Lamborghini on the drive way look even bigger than it actually was. Castiel felt a little betrayed. There was a Lambo, right there, ready to use, and yet Malcom had chosen a freaking disgusting Smart to drive them around.  
The disappointment grew when they entered the house. The house reeked of cat urine, wet dog and garbage that was supposed to be taken care of at least two weeks ago.

“Hello, mother. How are you?” Malcom said, talking to the lady with high pitched voice like she was a child. “Did Lilly poop on the couch again? Oh Lilly!” again that same ridiculous high pitched voice. It made Castiel cringe.

Lilly turned out to be Malcom’s overpriced ragdoll. The litterbox hadn’t been cleaned and Lilly apparently refused to take a crap in it, dumping her shit all over the tiny house that had carpet _everywhere_ , meaning the smell would hang around just a little longer.

“Mother, this is Cas. He's my friend.” Castiel peeked around the door frame into the living room. Malcom was tossing some old newspapers in the corner of the room to clear the couch next to the chair his mother was sitting.  
Malcom’s mother looked at him with blank eyes, she didn’t really seem to realize what was happening, but she didn’t seem to care either.  
“Castiel is going to stay with us for a while, okay?” without waiting for an answer he walked back into the narrow hallway. “Come on, Cas. I’ll show you the bedroom.”

Oh my God, the bedroom.  
Castiel couldn’t see the floor. For real. The room was littered with clothes, boxes, plastic bags, dirty plates, DVD cases, candy wrappers and empty chips bags. Castiel figured that this perfectly explained Malcom’s current physical shape. Every surface was stacked with useless crap and buried under laundry. The bedding looked like it hadn’t been washed in months and Castiel was surprised there weren’t any cat turds on the mattress.

“Here!” Malcom pushed the bags with brand new clothes in Castiel’s hands “Get undressed. I want to see those new clothes on you.” He smirked and quickly licked his lips.  
Castiel looked around, trying to find a spot that wasn’t covered in junk. But Malcom was getting impatient so Castiel just closed the door and started stripping.

Malcom sat down on the bed and smiled approvingly “So beautyful!”.  
Castiel felt a hot blush creep up his neck and wash over his cheeks, it didn’t matter how uncomfortable he was. Malcom seemed to be happy, and that was all that mattered. He had spent so much money on Castiel and he felt guilty, if this was the way he could “repay” Malcom for all the stuff, he’d do it.  
Castiel was already fishing out the way-too-skinny jeans but Malcom stopped him.

“No! I wanna see you in that beautiful dress, maybe with the stockings?”  
It sounded more like an order than a request and right then Castiel wanted to sink away in all the garbage and disappear, but this was what Malcom wanted. Of course he had thanked him a thousand times but it felt like it wasn’t enough. Maybe it was Malcom, maybe it was just something Castiel had told himself because he didn’t feel worthy of all the attention.  
So reluctantly he pulled the dress over his head, zipping it up. Of course he was lacking breast tissue but Malcom didn’t seem to mind..

Now the most embarrassing part. Castiel teared the little retangular box open and pulled out the nylon stockings.  
Wait… was Malcom unzipping his pants?

~~~~~~

 

“Hey! Cas!” Dean shouted.

Castiel flinched and jerked his head around, Dean was frowning his eyebrows and looked a little worried.  
“You okay, man? You look like someone just shot your puppy.”

Right, he was grooming Mo-... Where is Molly? He looked around and realized he was standing right in front of Molly’s box with the mare neatly parked inside. 

When did that happen? Castiel’s eyes shot all around him and his breath seemed to be trapped in his lungs. This is impossible!

“Casper?” 

“I-I’m fine. I’m okay.” Castiel looked at Dean wonder-struck, still trying to figure out how he ended up on the other side of the stables.

Dean’s frown smoothed out a little and he sighed softly “Well, if you say so. Come on, it’s lunch time. Sam’s making sandwiches.”

Castiel looked at Dean and nodded, still a little dazed and disoriented and surprised that he was missing a part. A _big_ part.

“So… you coming?” Dean said. Castiel lifted his head to see that Dean had was already a couple feet away from him, walking towards the end of the hallway. Castiel followed him hesitantly. His brain grinding, trying to fit the pieces together but there was a gap, a big, black gap with no memory at all.

 

Dean didn’t talk to Castiel that afternoon, he didn’t talk to him the following day, or the day after. Sam told him it had something to do with the weather, but Castiel was pretty sure it was something he did during the blackout. Or was it?  
Dean didn’t seem insulted or angry in any way. He seemed to be worried, not offended at all. But it was the only explanation Castiel could think of. It was logical. Right?  
And Castiel was disappointed, a little sad, actually. It had barely been 3 days and the time he had spent with Dean wasn’t actually comfortable, but he really liked him.  
He liked the worn out denim shirts he wore and the old jeans with the brown leather cowboy boots. Castiel had even spotted Dean wearing an off-white cowboy hat that secretly made him chuckle.

Apparently Dean was only supposed to help him on day one. After that day he went back to fixing machines and motors and he would be hidden away in the garage most of the day. The only times Castiel had the “pleasure” of getting a glimpse of the cowboy/mechanic was during the meals, which he skipped a lot. He would be early for breakfast, take his lunch with him to the garage and eat whatever was left over from dinner.

Castiel tried putting Dean out of his mind the days that followed. He wasn’t here for Dean, he was here to work, to have a roof over his head. And most importantly, he was here to hide from the police, from Malcom. And after 6 days he was still doing a great job hiding. So yeah, he had other things to worry about, bigger things.

 

~~~~~~

He was taking off his pants. It made Castiel’s stomach twist, he wasn’t sure if it was excitement or disgust. There was so much happening he didn’t know what to think or how to feel.  
“That’s it.” Malcom moaned under his breath “Put them on.”

~~~~~~

 

“Hey, Cas?” Sam’s voice echoed around in Castiel’s head. “Cas?”

Castiel jerked his head around, finding himself three stables away from the place he last remembered being.  
“Sorry, I guess I zoned out a bit.” he sighed and bit his lip as he folded his hands over the end of the hayfork and rested his chin on top.

“Seems to be happening a lot lately. Are you okay? Is this about Jo?”

Castiel shook his head. Yeah, Jo could be a bitch every now and then. She had made him do all the shitty tasks last week. He had to learn it to earn it, she said. Which meant he had been scooping horse crap three days in a row and greasing the saddles and bridles in between. There was black goo so deep under his nails and practically printed into his skin and he wondered if he would ever get rid of the stains in his shirt and pants. He only had so many pairs of clothing he had to spare. He was glad that Sam had given him one of Dean’s old coveralls but when he finally got his hands on it the damage was already done. He was afraid he’d have to walk around naked under the tough indigo fabric soon.

Castiel shook his head “No… I just. I don’t know, there’s a lot on my mind and I just zone out sometimes. That’s all.”

Sam nodded understanding and furrowed his eyebrows, grinding his gears on something.

“What?” Castiel asked “What is it?”

Sam set his hayfork in a corner and combed his hair back with his fingers, stretching his back in the process.  
“Well… Maybe you need something different. Would you like to come with me to get some supplies? I’m going into town after lunch to buy groceries and some other stuff. Wanna come with? Maybe a change of scenery would do you some good. What do you think?”

Castiel lifted his head with a big smile and nodded. Not that he disliked being here, but Sam was right. Being somewhere else than the ranch would be nice for a change.

Sam returned the smile and shoved his hands in his pockets.  
“Cool! And if you’re not too tired I could ask Nick to take a break from gardening and give you your first riding lesson when we come back, huh?” without awaiting any reaction from Castiel Sam had already started to make his way to the exit of the stables, abandoning the strawing work they had to finish.

“But… what about-”

“Jo will finish it! Come on, Tessa must be done with lunch by now. I hope she made the soup she always makes on Wednesday.”

 

When they entered the kitchen Tessa was already gone. But there was a big pan of soup waiting on the stove and around the kitchen table are Nick, Ash, Jo and… Dean?  
Castiel feels as if the world stopped spinning for just a moment and his eyes are stuck on the handsome face that sticks out above a grease stained tank top.  
The moment slips away as fast as it came and the world starts spinning again, Ash and Jo are laughing and Jo leans against Dean, resting her head on his shoulder as she giggles.  
Dean’s eyes meet Cas’s and it’s like there’s a spark of panic behind the bright green, but it fades and Dean leans into Jo’s touch and wraps an arm around her. Much to Castiel’s displeasure he presses a kiss to her forehead.

Sam walks to the stove and starts loading his bowl with the tomato soup “What’s so funny guys?”

Ash dropped the spoon he was holding into the half empty bowl and points at Dean.

“Dude, you have to tell that joke again!” Ash said. But Dean shook his head.

“Nah, man. I think six times in a row is enough.”

Castiel was still standing near the entrance of the kitchen when Sam sat down next to Nick.

“What’s up, Cas? Eat some soup, you worked hard for it!” Sam stated with a smile.

But Castiel wasn’t hungry anymore. His stomach had twisted into a knot that was getting tighter every second he watched Jo and Dean like that. He shouldn’t stare. Goddammit, why did he keep staring?!  
He ripped his gaze away from Jo and Dean and faced Sam. 

“I eh… I’m not hungry. I’ll just muck out the last few stables. Come and get me when you wanna go into town, okay?” Castiel said quickly and under his breath. He gave Dean one last disgruntled look, Dean looked away quickly as if he felt guilty. He left the house, stomping back to the stables. He was so fucking angry. Not even with Dean, _or_ Jo. No, he was angry with himself. Because he had no real reason to be angry with anyone and yet he was. He wanted to punch Dean in the face and drag Jo away from him by her too perfectly, long, blonde hair and throw her in the dung hill behind the stables and it was ridiculous. Risible, really.  
But why did he have that bitter sting of jealousy in his stomach?

Reluctantly he walked back to the stables, ripped a random hayfork away from the corner and agressively mucked out the last couple stables in record time. He just dumped the last barrow load on the dung hill when he heard Sam shout his name, followed by the some neighing horses that were inside.  
Castiel abandoned the barrow and walked back inside.

“Cas, you ready to go?” Sam asked.

Castiel shrugged and kicked off the dark blue coverall “I guess.” he mumbled.

Sam sighed and decided that it would be better to let it rest just a little longer. “Let’s get out of here before it starts to rain. Clouds are gathering in the distance already. Great job on those last few stables by the way, Jo would’ve taken over an hour to clean them out.” Sam chuckled and started to walk back to the other side of the stables again. Castiel dropped his coverall on top of an unoccupied saddle rack and jogged after the sasquatch to the rusty pickup truck.

 

“Nick said he wants to do it, by the way.” Sam said out of nowhere, drawing Castiel’s attention away from mindlessly pushing the shopping cart around as Sam dropped items in it on their way through the aisles of the La Dow’s supermarket.  
Castiel lifted his head and looked at Sam with an uncomprehending look “Do what?”.  
Sam grabbed a couple boxes of cerial from the top shelf without any trouble and planted them in the cart.  
“Teach you how to ride, of course! Too bad you didn’t join us for lunch. Nick could’ve told you about his plans. By the way, my dad is coming back on Monday, I told him how hard you work and he can’t wait to meet you.”

 

~~~~~~

Castiel was on his back. 

Malcom had decided that he was bottom and Castiel didn’t complain. Even though the sex was awful and he never orgasmed, he never complained. When Malcom hurt him he’d grip the sheets and just go with it.  
Castiel had mentioned it once. He was tired, hell, he was exhausted. He wasn’t in the mood for bad sex and Malcom had called him a shit bag, a bad partner for not doing his job and “stepping up to the plate”. The first time Malcom hurt him during sex, Castiel had begged him to stop because whatever he was doing it was ripping his ass apart. Malcom had pulled back abruptly, turned his back to Castiel and continued on his own.

He felt humiliated by the nylon stockings but Malcom always knew how to push him into things he actually didn’t want to do. Like that one time they went to a sex club.

Castiel wasn’t sure if he was gonna like it, but maybe it would be pleasurable for him too this time.  
Malcom had dressed him up in a black pvc corset, black satin panties, nylon stockings and glittery high heels to match the entire thing. Yes, _high heels_. Castiel swore himself he’d never wear them again after that night.

Castiel had to admit, as long as he didn’t see Malcom he was having a great time. There was a guy names Alex with silk ropes and after getting tied up and blindfolded, he knew that wouldn’t be the last bondage session. For once he had no choice but to let go of controll and lose himself, straining his muscles to feel the burn of the ropes and the tightness of the knots. He couldn’t stop smiling. He ignored the fact that Malcom had just forced him to wank him off in the middle of a room filled with a couple dozen people and enjoyed the attention of the strangers instead. He felt beautiful again, a piece of art, and just by laying there.

On their way back he was still riding out his buzz when Malcom suddenly dropped the bomb.

“Hey, Castiel. I want a second boyfriend.”

~~~~~~

 

Castiel snapped back to reality and found himself pushing the cart, now filled with stuffed grocery bags, to the exit of the supermarket. Sam wasn’t saying anything so Castiel just assumed that he hadn’t noticed he had zoned out again. He inhaled sharply at the memories and shook his head, trying to shake them off.  
Sam loaded the bags in the trunk and Castiel parked the cart back in line in front of the supermarket.

“Where do we go now?” Castiel asked almost absentmindedly.

“Hardware store. Dean needs some new tools, after that we go back home.” Sam said and secured the bags with some luggage spiders. “Could you stay in the truck to watch the groceries when I go to the hardware store?”

Castiel nodded and sat down in the passenger seat while Sam started the engine, AC/DC’s Thunderstruck blasting through the car immediately. Castiel didn’t mind, after almost one week on the Winchester ranch all the classic rock had kinda grown on him.

He looked through the window at his reflection in the cracked rearview mirror, his hair had grown ridiculously long. It was pretty close to what Sam was sporting, but it wasn’t Castiel’s style.

“Hey, Sam. Are there any barbershops in this godforsaken place?” Castiel asked and turned his head to the youngest Winchester.

Sam frowned a little and shook his head. “Nope, the last one closed two months ago. The only hairdresser left is Tessa. Most people in this town go to Smith Center in the west. Why you asking? Wanna get rid of the mane?”

Castiel nodded “Yeah, the classic Brad Pitt look doesn’t really rock on me like it does on you. Maybe I’ll even dye it.”

Sam’s eyes seemed to double in size and he turned his head to Castiel with a questioning look.

“Dye it? Why the hell would you wanna dye your hair?!”

Castiel shrugged “I dunno.” Of course he knew. “I’m getting a little tired of the same-old-same-old blonde.” He was still paranoid that he would somehow run into Malcom. He’d better look a hell of a lot more different from the way he looked on the day he ran away.

“Well… What color were you thinking of? Please don’t tell me you wanna go red.” Sam chuckled and focussed his gaze on the road again.

Castiel laughed and shook his head, taking a strand of hair between his fingers and holding it in front of his face, crossing his eyes to get a better look at it. He let go of the hairs and blew them out of his face again.

“What about brown? Dark brown.”

Sam pursed his eyebrows and bit his lower lip. “Hm.” he mumbled. “It would look great with your eyes.” He said. “No homo!” he added quickly.

Castiel laughed even harder and shook his head “I know, Sam. I know.”

Sam stopped the car and quickly hopped to the hardware store. Castiel leaned back in the passenger seat and closed his eyes. He and Sam were getting along pretty good. He tried to recall memories of the last time he had felt this comfortable with someone, but in vain. Of course he used to have some friends at school. Not that they were really friends. He was never able to hang out with them after school because he had to come home the minute his last class had ended. Those “friends” were “worldy-minded”, bad influence to a Christian boy such as himself. People that had to be avoided at any cost unless absolutely impossible, in case of school and work. He never went to birthday parties, never celebrated Christmas or Halloween or Thanksgiving.

Castiel’s thought were once again interupted by the cardoor swinging open. Sam stepped in and slammed the door shut.

“Here, got you a little something.” Sam said and pushed a plastic bag in Castiel’s hands. 

Castiel frowned down at the bag and up at Sam, uncertainty in his eyes. But Sam smiled at him and nodded.

“Go on! Look inside.”

Hesitantly Castiel looked inside the bag. There was a small box inside. It was hair dye, darkbrown hairdye. He could feel a lump grow in his throat. Sam had bought him a box of fucking hair dye. A present.  
Castiel swallowed hard and smiled.

“Jeez… Thanks, Sam. You really didn’t-”

“Of course I had to-... Cas? Are you… Crying?”

“No!” Castiel said quickly, only then realizing there were tears slipping down his cheeks. “Yes.”

“Did I do something wrong? Cas, what happened?”

Castiel shook his head, too embarrassed to tell Sam he couldn’t even remember someone bought him a present like this. Of course, there was the busdriver but this was different.

“Nothing important. I eh… I get emotional for the most stupid reasons sometimes. Let’s just go back before the other start to wonder what is taking us so long.”


	5. Saturn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank all you guys for the support <3 I love receiving sweet messages and seeing I'm getting more kudos. It really helps me to stay motivated and to keep writing.  
> Currently I'm writing another Destiel fanfic with the lovely and talented TotallyxAwesome. Please check out her works because it's simply amazing and she deserves some love and definitely kudos!
> 
> Death to normalcy and always keep fighting
> 
> xoxo
> 
> The Platypuss Girl
> 
> _updated 5-5-2016_

“There, all done!” Tessa said as she lowered her chrome barber scissors “Go take a look in the mirror and tell me if you want it a little shorter in some spots.”

Castiel nodded and jumped up from the chair, maneuvering his way through the loose hairs that were spread around him on the floor.  
Before his first riding lesson with Nick, Tessa had taken care of Castiel’s hair. She had dyed and cut his hair for free since he was now kinda part of the family. It had warmed his heart when she said that, but that warmth cooled off quickly when his mind started wandering and he concluded for himself that he didn’t have family, not anymore. He was a loner. Even when he was “living” with Malcom he had felt lonely and the loneliness had grown on him. Being alone had become a part of him and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to give up that little piece of tranquility. He wasn’t sure if he would be able to have friends, or family, let alone a significant other.  
Loneliness was always there for him. A little bit of security. The one thing that would never change. The only thing that had been faithful to him.

Castiel found himself the big mirror above the fireplace, he stared at his reflection with an open mouth. He barely recognized himself. The dark brown was a little darker than he thought but he loved it. It was short but long enough to play around with it when he added some product. And Sam was right, his pale blue eyes looked even bluer now.  
He traced his fingers through the slightly damp hair and smiled at himself. The smile barely reached his eyes but it was getting there. A little closer every time.

He was so busy checking himself out in the mirror he hadn’t noticed someone had entered the room and was now staring at him until he saw them move. He sucked a breath and spun around so quickly he almost lost his balance.

“Cas?” Was all that Dean could get over his lips. The confusion was legible on his face, his eyebrows were raised and his mouth was hanging open a little. Maybe there were some traces of fascination in there? His red bodywarmer made his big bewildered green eyes stand out even more. Castiel immediately denied he had noticed that. But he felt exposed and his heart was racing, he didn’t like Dean anymore. Everything between them was awkward now. Maybe he was just envious of Jo, he didn’t know. But he did know that Dean was making him very uncomfortable and he didn’t like the stare that was aimed at him. Not now, not from him.  
His smile had faded completely, leaving his eyes cold and his mouth in a tight line.

“Dean.” He said bluntly and walked straight back into the kitchen brushing Dean’s shoulder as he passed him, finding that Sam just came back from lunging one of the stallions.  
His mouth curled into a wide smile the moment he saw Castiel.

“Whoah! Looking good, man! Great job, Tessa!” Sam said and pulled his hands out of the gloves he was wearing, leaving them on the table.

“I know right?” Tessa said with a proud smirk on her face. “So when will you finally trust me with those beautiful locks of yours? You’re starting to look like a Disney princess.” She said and teasingly snipped the scissors in the air.

Sam snorted and rolled his eyes in amusement. “Never! I’m going for the Jason Momoa look.” he said and wiggled his eyebrows. “And eh, Cas? Nick is waiting for you at the stables. I hope you’re ready for your first riding lesson. There’s a bunch of chaps and caps in the tack room, there must be a bunch you can fit in. By the way, have you seen Dean?”

Castiel’s heart jumped a little, the skin of his shoulder was still feeling warm and itching where he brushed past Dean. “Why are you asking?” he said quickly.

“Ash needs his help with the tractor. He promised to be there after lunch but instead he disappeared with Jo.”

 

Castiel’s stomach twisted aggressively to the sound of her name. What was going on between the two of them all the sudden? Had it been going on before he arrived at the Winchester ranch? Had he been so blind that he simply didn’t notice? No, he wasn’t that stupid! Or was he?  
He nervously chewed on the inside of his right cheek and pointed towards the exit of the kitchen to the hallway.

“He was just in the livingroom. I’m… Never mind.” Castiel said and walked outside, back to the stables. 

Nick was just grooming a horse, a beautiful American Paint stallion. Its hide was white and scattered with light auburn spots, and the eyes were bright blue.  
He carefully approached the animal. Curiously he stretched out his neck to reach out to Castiel as he came closer.

“Hiya, Casper.” Nick greeted him. “Meet Saturn. He’s one of the sweetest horses here on the ranch and he is great with beginners such as yourself. Why don’t you finish him up while I get his gear, huh?”

Castiel was speechless, he just nodded and looked into those big blue eyes as the horse pressed his nose against Castiel’s shoulder. Castiel gently raised his hand to stroke Saturn’s neck, scratching the crest along his manes.  
When he was done petting him, he picked up the soft brush and finished grooming him. And for a moment he had totally forgotten about Dean and Jo and the rest of the world.

Nick came back pulling a saddle rack, on top of it was an absolutely stunning western saddle, the brown leather was decorated with curls and twists and flower pressed into it, let alone the chrome elements that made it sparkle. The same went for the bridle, matching the saddle perfectly.

“Get yourself dressed up, I’ll saddle him for you today. Next time you’re gonna learn to do it yourself. Understood?” Nick said strict.  
Castiel nodded quickly and half jogged, half walked to the tack room to find chaps and a cap that would fit him. He felt like an idiot walking around with the weird headgear, but Sam had explained that he had to wear a cap at all times while riding, no exceptions, no excuses. Safety was their number one priority.

Castiel’s heart was beating in his throat and throbbing under the hard cap he had put on his head. He was just getting used to being around horses, he had barely touched any. All he had done was cleaning and scooping poop and now he was just supposed to climb on top of an animal with a mind of its own and try to keep it under control with a piece of leather? He didn’t like the idea for one bit but Sam wouldn’t shut up about it, so as easy manipulated as he is he let Sam talk him into it.

“Lead him to the outdoor ring and get an apple box, I’ll be with you shortly.” Nick said and walked away to wherever.  
Castiel could feel the panic rise in his chest. The only horse he had been handling this past week was Molly.

Castiel lead Saturn to the outdoor ring slowly, trying not to startle him with any sudden movements. He almost reached the ring when Nick was already back.

“No need to be shy, boy. Horses may be flight animals but we train them to trust the rider more than their instincts. You can walk a little faster. Hell, a lot faster. Go on, hurry up! We don’t have all day!” Nick said and gave Saturn a firm tap on his hindquarter. He jumped a little and trotted a little, forcing Castiel to jog after him into the ring.

Nick was right, this wasn’t too bad. Getting on top of Saturn was a little trickier. He wasn’t that big, but Nick insisted on using an apple box to mount him. It would be better for his back. Castiel didn’t complain. It felt very unstable at first and the sensation of sitting on top of a living animal was strange. But Saturn was a friendly horse and knew exactly how to handle this riding newb.  
Nick told Castiel how to sit, to push his heels down, straighten his back, look into the direction he was intending to go. Castiel let Saturn walk around a couple times, exploring the corners of the ring while he tried to keep his heart rate on an acceptable level, inhaling the chilly air of the starting autumn through his nose and letting it slip through his lips as he exhaled.

After round four he felt confident enough to look around a little. The tips of the trees had started to fade to golden brown and auburn. He had been so concentrated he didn’t even notice there was someone leaning against the half gate that closed off the ring and gazing at him.

 

~~~~~~

He couldn’t quite process what Malcom had just confessed to him. He didn’t want to think about it.  
Castiel proudly stared at the burn marks that the ropes had left in his wrists and ankles, it took his mind off the question that was burning on his lips. _Don’t… Just don’t-_

“But… Does this mean I’m not enough for you?” Castiel asked with a soft voice. He did it. Didn’t like this, he didn’t like any of this. He shouldn’t be so damn ridiculous.He had failed his man like he had failed everything else. He wasn’t good enough.

“What?” Malcom said quickly. “No, sweetheart! Of course not! How could you possibly not be enough for me? Look at that adorable face of yours, your beautiful body! Let alone those heavenly blue eyes I could look at all day. You are perfect! It’s not just for me. I also want an extra boyfriend for _you_!”

Okay, that had calmed him down a little bit, but he still didn’t like the idea. And the following days Malcom wouldn’t stop talking about it. At some point Castiel was getting sick of the non-stop whining about it so he just went with it.  
But that didn’t mean he was comfortable with the idea. He was afraid he’d become jealous, that he’d want that second all to himself instead of sharing it with a slightly overweight man who felt the need to dye his facial hair.

~~~~~~

 

“Casper!” Nick’s voice pulled him back to the here and now. He did it again, didn’t he? “When you are on top of a horse you have to stay focussed and stay in control. Once you lose your concentration you practically give the bridle to the animal and depending on the horse it’ll be a pain in the ass to get it back, understood?”

Castiel nodded and pulled the reins tight again. Only now he noticed there was someone looking at him from the entrance of the ring. But before Castiel could see who it was they had turned their back and walked away. Wait a second, wasn’t Dean wearing red bodywarmer when he had ran into him in the livingroom? 

An incredibly loud bang snapped Castiel away from the red blur. He didn’t know where it came from, but whatever it was, Saturn did _not_ like it!  
Where Saturn had been oh-so calm mere moments ago he was now jumping, bucking, rearing and Castiel shrieked and pulled the reigns as tight as he could, but Saturn had tugged them away in one smooth movement and he threw his rear legs in the air. Castiel tried to get a grip on the horn cap on the swell, but as Saturn bucked again he flew forwards, landing with his crotch right on top of it. No longer able to stay in the saddle he tumbled over and crashed into the moist sand.  
With weak knees and hands covering his tender (and probably bruised) parts he got back on his feet. There was another blow to his chest, all the air was knocked out of his lungs and he was slammed with his back into the fence, collapsing to the ground

Air.

He needed to breathe. _Why couldn’t he breathe?!_ He tried to inhale but it seemed impossible, every gulp of air hurt. He closed his eyes. It hurt so fucking much. Had he inhaled fire ants or something?

The sound of rapid footsteps came closer.

“Nick! Get that horse!” 

Someone gently slapped his cheek. “Nuh-uh! Open those baby blues for me, Cas. Come on!”

He _needed_ to _breathe!_ He sucked in some air, coughing it out immediately. There was that familiar taste of blood on his lips.

“Shit! Cas, open your eyes! Look at me!”

Castiel shook his head, he just wanted to sleep. His balls were still aching, his head was pounding, his ass was aching and he could hardly breathe.

“Yes, you’re gonna open your eyes now. Come on, you can do it.” He knew that voice. He opened his eyes, slowly, and he was looking straight into glistening emeralds, engulfed by the bright green that was looking right back at him.

“Dean,” he wheezed, “I can’t breathe. It hurts.” He coughed again, he spat out the blood and watched as it sank away into the sand, leaving nothing but a deep red stain.

“Fuck.” He whispered. “I’m sorry, Cas. I’ve got to hoist you up a little, it’ll help you breathe more easily. On my mark. One,” Dean carefully wrapped an arm around Castiel’s shoulder “Two,” 

_This is gonna hurt_

“Three!”

Castiel braced himself and tried to push himself up as Dean pulled him in his arms. He shifted so Castiel was now resting with his back against Dean’s chest. With one hand Dean held his chest in place and used his other to keep Castiel’s head straight and pressed against Dean’s shoulder.  
For a second his mind wandered off, thinking about what he actually wanted to do now. Part of him wanted to cuddle into Dean’s embrace and part of him wanted to kick him in the nuts. But since he was in too much pain to move he decided to go for the first option.

“Easy, Cas. Breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth. I suspect you have a bruised rib. That was an ugly kick you got there. I need you to stay as still as possible and breathe slowly. There is a chance you have neck trauma so I’m gonna keep you right here just in case. Ash is calling an ambulance now. Should be here in, lemme think… twenty minutes or so.” Dean said.

“W-Why are you… Helping me?” Castiel panted. Not sure why Dean was suddenly so caring about him.

“Because when my dad is not around, I am the boss. Which means I’m your boss. Which means thereon that I am responsible for your wellbeing at work. Which is at this moment very bad.”

“Oh.” Castiel wanted to nod but Dean kept him firmly in place.

“And I would really hate to see you leave after this.” He said, his voice was softer now, less bossy and commanding. “Ash! Where is that ambulance?!” he shouted, breaking the calm.

“On it’s way!” Ash said and encountered the guys, his oil-stained baseball cap turned backwards. “I’m really sorry about what happened, Casper. I had no idea-”

“It’s okay.” Castiel whispered, not being able to produce any more sound.

Ash turned his face to Dean, and Castiel only just realized that that face was now closer than ever and yet so far away.

“Can I get you anything?” He asked with a pitied face.

“Hm… Casper, do you think you can walk?”

Castiel shrugged.

“Don’t worry, I’ll stay by your side. But we need to get you inside, We don’t want you to catch a cold with a bruised rib, now do we? We could use a hand, Ash. We’re gonna get this fallen angel inside as careful as we possibly can.”

Dean’s breath was warm against Castiel’s ear and the side of his neck compared to the chilly October air, sending shivers down his spine and he cursed himself for even noticing.

After Ash and Dean had carefully carried Castiel inside, Dean had given him a glass of water with a crazy straw, still a little anxious something could be wrong with his neck and the risk of damaging it even more. He had to stay hydrated after all.

Sam and Jo and Nick were hanging around the too-soft couch where Castiel was lying, much to Dean’s annoyance.

“Go on, guys! Back to work! There’s nothing you can do for him here so make yourselves useful! Sam, would you be a good little-big boy and pack Castiel’s stuff for the hospital? Pajamas, papers, health insurance card and shit like that. We don’t know how long he’s gonna have to stay there.” Dean said.

Sam nodded and disappeared upstairs and Jo and Nick left the room after wishing him good luck, leaving Dean and Castiel completely alone.  
Dean pulled the stool from under the piano and made himself comfortable on top.  
Castiel tried to breathe evenly, still coughing every once in awhile. The water was nice to wash away that sickening taste of blood off his tongue.  
Dean lifted the lid, exposing the ivory keys to the warm light of the now-setting sun that casted on Dean and the piano only like a soft spotlight.

“I thought you didn’t like to play in front of an audience.” Castiel said softly with a small pained smile on his lips.

“And I thought you’d be keeping your mouth shut, cowboy!” Dean spoke with a lopsided grin as his fingertips brushed over the edges, searching for the right key to start.

Castiel’s smile grew wider, he was trying not to laugh because he knew it would cause an enormous deal of pain on top of the pressing ache he was already trying to cope with.

It took a few moments but when Dean finally pressed his fingers down, the big room was filled with uplifting music. Dean softly hummed along with the melody. No, wait. Was he singing?  
Castiel stayed quiet in the hope that Dean would sing a little louder. He’d love to hear his singing voice.  
No! Stop right there! He didn’t! Dean had been an complete and utter asshole to him the past few days. Okay, not exactly… But-

 _”You’ll be okay,”_ Dean sang softly  
_”You’ll be okay._  
The sun will rise  
To better days.”

Castiel tried to not pay attention, occasionally sipping from the crazy straw and looking anywhere but Dean and the piano.

_”And change will come_  
It’s on its way  
Just close your eyes  
And let it rain!” 

Damn, he was an insanely good singer! The music and lyrics were actually a bit calming, distracting Castiel’s mind from the pain just a little.

_”Cause you’re never alone_  
And I’ll always be there  
You just carry on  
You’ll understand. 

_Let it go_  
Fly away  
And say goodbye  
To Yesterday 

_Cause you’re never alo-”_

“Dean, I put Castiel’s stuff by the frontdo-”

Abruptly Dean slammed the lid close, jumped up from the stool and jerked around to Sam. The loud bang had almost made Castiel fall off the couch and his heart was pounding painfully against the inside of his hurting ribcage.

“You know you shouldn’t do that!” Dean exclaimed, his eyes were wide with rage and fear.

“I-... I’m sorry, Dean. It won’t happen again, I promise!” Sam said carefully. “Eh, Cas? I found your ID card but not your health insurance card. Where do you keep it?” He asked.

Castiel gulped. “I eh… I don’t have a health insurance card.” he said softly.

“You have got to be kidding me!” Dean said. He was trying very hard to stay calm but the unbelief and irritation were shining through the cracks of his mask.

“I-I mean I do… But it’s still in Memphis. I was in such a hurry and it slipped my mind to take it with me.” Castiel spoke softly, more like a whisper, not being able to produce anything louder to make himself known.

“So… We’ll call your family and tell them to send the card to Lebanon. No big deal!” Dean said, visibly calmer this time.

Before Castiel could tell them it wasn’t that easy and that he hadn’t communicated with his parents in years he was interrupted by the doorbell. And actually he didn’t mind it at all. He wasn’t ready for the truth to come out. At least not just yet.

Sam opened the door, letting two white dressed men in, both had the same emotionless expression on their face.  
They exchanged some looks when they saw Castiel as they entered the living room and started asking questions and doing small tests.  
After a while they determined that Castiel’s left lung had collapsed from the blow to his chest, other than that he had a small concussion and his right collarbone was either bruised or broken.

“Is there anyone coming along with the ambulance to Smith County?” on of the men in white asked.

Dean stepped forward. “That would be me.” he stated.

“Wait,” Sam said. “Don’t you think it would be better if I went now? So you can keep an eye on the ranch and stuff? You can come and pick us up tonight. Assuming that Castiel will be patched up a little by then and good to go.”

Dean bit his lip and sighed, watching as the men in white relocated Castiel to the stretcher.  
“Fine.” he said and walked out the room. No goodbye, no good luck or a simple get-well-soon. Nope. Dean Winchester has left the building.

Sam smiled softly at Castiel as he followed the stretcher outdoors, grabbing the bag and closing the front door on the way.

The drive to the hospital was long, rough, bumpy and too quiet to Castiel’s liking. But somewhere in the back of his mind he could hear Dean as he played the grand piano and sang along.

 

“No. No no no no no!” Castiel wheezed.

Usually he didn’t have such a big problem with needles, but this was a whole new level!.  
He was lying on his back on yet another stretcher. A big piece of paper was spread out on his chest and blocking his view.

“Sam?”

“I’m here, Cas. I’m right here.” Sam answered him, his voice was calm but his face told Castiel more than he needed to know.

“This is gonna sting just a little.” The doctor said. “Just relax, inhale… And exhale. Slowly, slowly…”

Castiel muffled a cry and bit the inside his lip until he tasted blood. That fucking needle was penetrating his skin. The thin layer that was resting as a bridge between two ribs and it stayed there. Sure, this was going to kill _some_ of the pain but he already felt like he was going to pass out.

“Almost done…” the needle was pulled out… AND jammed back in again.

“Sam?” Castiel asked and looked up. The usually big and audacious sasquatch was white as a sheet. “Sam!” Castiel hissed.

“Do you want to sit down, sir?” One of the assistants asked. Sam nodded quickly and thanked her as she handed him the chair, quickly sitting down.

“What are they doing?” Castiel asked.

“Uhm… I don’t think you want to know.” Sam said softly.

Castiel frowned until he felt a weird pressure on the place where the needle had been. But that pressure quickly turned into a hellish pain and if he could scream he would have. 

 

Castiel didn’t know what time it was when he finally regained consciousness. The first thing that touches his senses was the distinctive music of Super Mario on a Gameboy. He slowly opened his eyes as he turned his head towards the sound. He found Dean sitting next to his bed on a chair, bent over his Gameboy as he played his video game. In the dimmed light of the bedside lamp. Castiel furrowed his eyebrows.

“Dean?” He called him softly, his chest was still aching and his shoulder was sore.

Dean looked up and smiled, putting his Gameboy down. “Hiya, Cas. How’re you feeling?”

“Like I got molested by a horse.” Castiel chuckled. “What time is it?”

Dean glanced at his watch. “Time to wake you up, actually. It’s a little after 1 am.” He said and looked up at Castiel again. “The nurse should be here any minute to check on you for your concussion, but you look alright to me.”

Dean was right, the nurse came in only seconds later to do see if he was alright. She was gone as fast as she showed up.

“Dean, where is Sam?”

“Sam, he went home.”

“And you stayed?”

Dean nodded. “Would you rather be alone? I’ll leave if you want me to I just… Wanted to make sure you’re okay. I saw how Saturn hit you and,” he sighed and bit his lower lip.  
For a moment there was nothing else but Dean and that pale pink lip that was caught between his teeth. His lips looked so soft.  
“So, yeah. Here I am.”

Castiel’s eyes flew up to meet Dean’s again. “Huh?” He missed half of it. Again.

Dean laughed softly and shook his head. “Never mind. It’s not _that_ important. But… This _is_.” The smile faded a little, making place for a soft but concerned look.  
“Cas, now that you had this accident you won’t be of any use for a while. The guys all would love to keep you on the ranch, but Sam thinks you’d be better off at home with your parents.”

Castiel shook his head. “No, you don’t understand. Me and my parents-”

“It’s okay, Cas. The hospital already called your dad. He’s on his way now. He was actually relieved to hear about you. Of course he was worried, but he’s glad you’re coming home. And don’t worry. When you’re all better you can come back to Kansas if you like. You work hard and you’re a good addition to the team.” Dean said with a soft smile.

Castiel blinked a couple times. Was this really happening? He was going back to his parents?! After all these years he was going home?  
He had thought of this moment so many times. He would get to see his brothers again. Did this mean they had forgiven him? Were they really okay with him not wanting to be religious?  
His eyes were watery and his lips were curled up in a small smile.

“Get some more sleep. He should be here in the morning.” Dean said with a soft smile and rested his hand on Castiel’s. “You’ll be okay.”

Those three little words. The words Dean had sang last afternoon. The words that had made waiting for that ambulance just a little more bearable. The softness of the sound and the warmth of Dean’s hand on his seemed to turn the white noise in his head into a peaceful silence. There was something to the touch that made it more than just a _touch_.

“Dean?”

“Hm?”

“Would you thank Sam for me? Just in case I don’t see him again.”

Dean pulled his hand back and cleared his throat. “Of course. No problem, I’ll see to it that he gets it.”

“And eh… Dean?”

Dean looked up again, those big green eyes drawing Castiel in again.

“Thank you. And I’m sorry.” Castiel said and looked at the footboard of his bed with a straight face.

Dean tilted his head and frowned. “Sorry? Sorry for what, Cas?”

“For being such a freak.” Castiel muttered, still avoiding Dean’s eyes.

Dean’s frown grew bigger “What?!” He exclaimed. “Why would you think that you’re a freak? You didn’t do anything wrong!”

“But… You’ve been avoiding me and-” Castiel sighed, not able to finish his words.

“Oh… Oh! Cas, no! I-... Uhm… It’s complicated. I’ve been a complete douchebag and _I’m_ the one who’s supposed to be sorry! _I’m_ sorry, Cas. I’ve had a really weird… couple weeks. I’ve not been myself. There’s some stuff going on that I’d better keep to myself but really. This is on me, not on you! I’m so fucking sorry!” Dean stammered and put his hand back on Castiel’s, warming him up again.

Was he panicking? Castiel tilted his head and carefully looked into Dean’s eyes again. Yep, Dean was definitely panicking.

“What?”

“I’m sorry, Cas. Really. Just… Do you want something to drink? I’m really thirsty!” he said quickly and got on his feet, abandoning Castiel’s hand again. Exposing it to the cool air of the hospital. Without awaiting an answer from Cas, Dean had already left the room.

 

The following morning Dean wasn’t there. Castiel ate his breakfast in silence, he wasn’t in the mood to watch TV so he just stared out the window, slowly chewing on his toast, occasionally sipping from his apple juice. Dean had acted so strange. Castiel had been convinced that it was his fault, but now that thought about it he remembered that Dean had acted a little off since the moment they met.  
He shook his head at his own thoughts and washed the last bit of toast away with the juice he had left in his paper cup.

Autumn had really started to kick in now. Golden brown leaves at the tips of the trees slowly started to vacate their twigs and branches and the sky seemed to be more gray than the days before. The weather had been lovely so far, but it could only last so long.

He called for the nurse to collect the empty tray.

“Good morning, mr. Novak. Did you enjoy your breakfast?” She said with a big smile on her face.

Great, he had a cheery morning person. Castiel shrugged and continued staring out the window.

“The doctor will be here in a couple minutes to do the last check ups and you should be okee-dokee to go home. Would you like for me to let your dad in? He’s been waiting downstairs for a while now.”

Castiel’s heart skipped a beat. His dad was here. The man who had told him he was no longer his son for leaving the church was here to take him home.

“Yes, please.” He said. 

The nurse nodded and walked into the hallway with the empty tray.

Trying to not hurt himself too much, Castiel straightened up a little so he was half sitting, trying to have a better view on the door for when his dad would walk in.  
The footsteps out of the corridor grew heavier and louder and closer and Castiel’s heart was sinking to his feet. He was gonna walk through that door and take him home.

The older man walked around the corner and into the room and Castiel’s stomach turned. He thought he was going to be sick right there and then.

“No.” He hissed and scrambled to the furthest edge of the bed. “NO!”

“Come on, Castiel. You can’t hide forever.” Malcom said, an innocent look on his face. “I’m taking you home.”


	6. Influenza

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _updated 5-5-2016_

Malcom tilted his head a little. “I like what you’ve done to your hair, barely recognized you.” He chuckled. 

“You stay away from me!” Castiel hissed as Malcom slowly stepped closer.

”Now, Cassie. No need to be rude. I just paid your medical treatment. Don’t you think I deserve at least a little kiss as a thank you?”

“ _I SAID, STAY AWAY FROM ME!_ ” Castiel shouted and carefully stepped out of bed, trying to make a run for the corridor, but Malcom grabbed his right arm and pulled, forcing him to his knees with a cry, tears welling up his eyes from the pain and confusion.

“You listen to me, you ungrateful _shitbag_!” Malcom snarled as he tugged him up again, provoking another pained cry from Castiel. “You are coming home with me, whether you like it or not. I spent so much money on my little _pet_ and I’d hate to see it go to waste. So be a good boy, dry those tears and get dressed. You look fine to me, you don’t need to see that doctor again.”

Castiel’s world started to crumble around him. The walls were caving in and it was like the ground was falling away from under his feet. Not again. He had gotten himself so far. In his mind he could see his room again, the filthy mattress in the corner of the room. The heavy handcuffs that used to lock him to the radiator when he had been disobedient. He saw poor Samandriel. _God, what did I do to ever deserve this hell?_  
Was it because he left church?  
_I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, God. Please, get me out of here. I promise I’ll go back to church, I’ll confess everything! But please, help me! Send help!_

Castiel stifled a howl when Malcom hauled him back to his feet.  
Where was Dean? He needed Dean, where had he gone?  
Malcom flung him to the bed, slamming his chest to the edge of the bed frame. Castiel collapsed to the floor, landing on his bruised shoulder.

Air.

No, not again.

His bronchi rattled when he carefully sucked in a breath, wheezing as he puffed it out again.

“I told you to get dressed!” Malcom yelled and walked to Castiel, his heavy boots pounding on the linoleum floor. Castiel decided that the armadillo was his last option here. He couldn’t get up, he could barely breathe and there was nobody to protect him from this monster. Castiel loathed himself for not being able to stand up for himself. Hell, right now he loathed life. Just when he thought he was safe and starting to have a steady life the rug was pulled away from underneath his feet and things got even worse than they were before. Story of his life.

He hugged his knees and ducked his head, bracing for the impact of the boot into his ribcage, but it never came.

“You take a step back there, sir. Or things are gonna get very messy in here.” Dean’s growling filled Castiel’s ears, followed by the unmistakable click of a gun hammer being pulled in place.

“You’re making a mistake, boy.” Malcom said, his soft voice made Castiel’s neck hairs stand up straight. Castiel opened his eyes and looked up. Dean was standing behind Malcom, a revolver raised in his hand, his finger on the trigger and the barrel pressed against the back of Malcom's skull.

“Oh, I don’t think so,” Dean snarled “You are going to put Kansas in your rearview mirror and you are never coming back. And I swear to God, if I happen to find out you are anywhere near Cas, I will make sure that this bullet is gonna go straight through your brain. Am I clear?”

Malcom looked down at Castiel, rage burning in his eyes.

“Am I clear?!” Dean roared and dug the barrel further into Malcom’s scalp. The older man’s mouth twitched and he balled his fists, but he nodded.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. Am I clear?” Dean said one more time, his voice was so soft it was even scaring Castiel.

“Yes.” Malcom said, and closed his eyes.

“Good. Now get your filthy face away from here before I change my mind and shoot you on the spot.”

With those words Dean lowered his gun and Malcom ran.

Dean put his gun away and kneeled next to Cas, carefully pulling him into his arms, shielding him from the world outside. “Are you okay?” He asked softly.

As much as Castiel wanted to nod and tell Dean he was fine, he couldn’t. Not anymore. He shook his head as the first sob escaped his throat. It hurt, but there was no stopping him from crying now. He had been strong long enough. Malcom was gone, Dean was here, he was safe.

“Gotcha.” Dean said and pulled Castiel a little closer, careful to not hurt him.

Dean didn’t ask any questions. He knew better than that. Castiel was in pain, he was scared and it didn’t matter who that man was who hurt him, Castiel was more important.  
The doctor was shocked when he heard what had happened and apologized.  
After some quick check ups it turned out that apart from some bruising Castiel was okay and could come back to the ranch the same evening.

 

“You know you’re gonna have to talk about who that was sooner or later, right?” Dean said softly.  
Castiel nodded and heaved a sigh, watching as his breath condensed against the cool car window of the Chevrolet Impala that he’d seen parked on the driveway the day he first came to the Winchester ranch. He felt tempted to draw a smiley face in it, but he didn’t.

“Cas?”

Castiel turned his head to Dean who had his gaze focussed on the road ahead. “I know.” He answered and lowered his head again.

“I’ve got so many questions and I understand it’s hard to talk about, but… You gotta help me out here, because I’m confused.”

“Shoot it. I’ll pack my bags when we get to the ranch anyway.”

Dean looked at him with frowned eyebrows. “What? Why would you do that?!” Dean exclaimed.

“That man is not my father.” Castiel said and gazed out the window at the streetlights flashing by.

Dean huffed. “I figured that much, but why would that be the reason to leave?! Are you scared he might come back? Because you know I swore to protect you! I won’t let him hurt you again!”

Castiel shrugged and shook his head. “Malcom… He-” Castiel bit his lower lip, searching for the best way to explain. When he realized there was no easy way around it he just told Dean the truth. “Malcom was my boyfriend.” he blurted out, still looking out the window, too afraid to see the reaction on Dean’s face.

“Oh.”

There it was, the rejection. The get-the-hell-out-of-my-house-you-queer. Castiel waited. And waited. _Come on! Just say it already!_ But he didn’t.

“You’re not going anywhere unless you want to, Cas. You’re still welcome on the ranch and like I said yesterday, I’d hate to see you leave. You can stay with us, you can take your time and heal and come back to work when you feel good enough, okay?”

Finally Castiel dared to look up at Dean, who gave him a soft, compassionate smile as assurance that he really was welcome, that he didn’t hate him for having a past with an older man.  
He finally let out the breath he didn’t even know he was holding all that time. Dean was really okay with it…

_This is too easy. It’s never this easy, not without a catch. What’s the catch?_

 

~~~~~~

Blonde hair and blue eyes. Malcom sure had a type.  
Samandriel was an easygoing kid. Nothing too fancy and too modest for his own well being like Castiel had been in the beginning. Their first date had been… awkward, very awkward and uncomfortable.  
Malcom had booked a hotel room, a fancy one with a big bed and a huge bathroom. They had a shower, the three of them together. The shower itself hadn’t been very bad. Castiel didn’t like that Malcom had been touching this new boy. No matter that he had been in a fourway relationship before, the kid was barely 18 and Malcom was just touching him everywhere. The bitter stab of jealousy was real and Castiel again hated himself for it.

~~~~~~

 

Sam was waiting on the porch when Dean pulled up on the driveway. The sun was down, the only light sources were the moon and whatever lights were on in the house.  
He rushed to the car to help Castiel out while Dean got his stuff out and locked the car.

“Do you think you can get upstairs?” Sam asked as he carefully helped Castiel inside. Castiel nodded. Dean carried Castiel’s bag to his room and changed the sheets of his bed.

“Cas, if there’s anything you need, anything at all, just give me a shout. Even if you… Need to talk about anything. I’ll be up in no time.” Sam said.

“Thank you, Sam. You’re too kind to me.” Castiel said with a small smile, barely reaching his eyes.

“No problem, now go to bed. You look like a ghost. Don’t worry about tomorrow. Jo will be here to feed the horses in the morning so we can debus a little, I’ll take care of breakfast. So relax. Plus you’re still recovering so… You know.”

“Really, Sam. You’re too kind to me.” Castiel said, his smile a bit bigger now. “Good night.”

“Night, Cas.”

 

_Happiness_

_[ **hap** -ee-nis] _

_noun_  
the quality or state of being happy.  
good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy. 

The one and only thing that always turned into misery, no matter what would happen. When he felt it it was never for long. When he found it it wouldn’t take a lot of time for him to lose it again. 

Happiness, to Castiel it only indicated that a bad moon was on the rise. And there wouldn’t be anything to stop it. Feeling nothing had become better than feeling anything at all. There wouldn’t be smiles. There wouldn’t be tears.

When Castiel entered his room in the attic Dean was still there. Standing awkwardly by the door.

“So… Castiel, isn’t it?” He said with a puckish smile.

Not that it really was a secret though. Jo had known, Sam knew it too. They only called him Casper or Cas because it was easier. He just played along with it because… Well… Obvious reasons.

Castiel sighed softly and combed his hand through his hair. “Yeah-”

“I really like that name.” Dean whispered and stepped a little closer, his hand was resting on Castiel’s good shoulder now. It was a gentle hand, warm and kind and nothing but good intentions and Castiel had to quell the need to get away from that touch. He didn’t want to push Dean away, but he had no other choice.  
Being close to someone meant-

“Cas?”

When did Dean’s face get so close to his? He could smell a whiff of tobacco mixed with leather, petrol and a hint of fresh hay again.  
Castiel looked up carefully, immediately being abducted by those deep green eyes again.

“Yes, Dean?” He said hoarse.

“Good night.” Dean said, his voice smooth as butter and Castiel could’ve sworn Dean looked a little sad for a split second.  
And just like that he was gone, making his way down the stairs.  
Yep, Dean sure had a habit of suddenly disappearing.

Castiel sighed and shook his head. Dean Winchester would probably stay a mystery. He took his pain meds, sleeping pills and all the other shit the doctor had given him for a good night sleep and went to bed. Trying to force the corners of his mouth down. If he would hide it maybe fate wouldn’t come flying around the corner to find him and take this away from him. 

 

Tired eyes stared lazily back at him through the mirror as he brushed his teeth. That morning he had been violently awoken by a way too vivid dream of Samandriel.

 

~~~~~~

His screams were so loud. So terribly loud and Castiel couldn’t do anything to help him.

“Please! Stop!” the boy had cried out. “Please! Argh!”

Malcom had made sure to lock Castiel in another room, not that he would be able to help Samandriel anyway. Malcom was too strong for them to handle on their own.  
Who would have thought that it would all turn into systematic rape. Them going out for shopping and fancy hotels had long since stopped. Malcom had installed locks on all the doors and windows, keeping Castiel and Samandriel separated and locked up like they were exotic pets of some sort.

It was all Castiel’s fault. If only he had stepped up to the plate and would’ve done what a boyfriend is supposed to do, none of this would have happened in the first place. He would’ve been enough for his man. Malcom wouldn’t need to rape them now. Samandriel would’ve been safe, still living with his parents, probably going to school and living a normal life.

~~~~~~

Castiel shuddered, the echos of the sounds were still too clear. He quickly rinsed his mouth and left the bathroom, bumping into Dean as he walked out into the hallway.

“Oh there you are! I didn’t hurt you, did I?” Dean asked as he carefully put his hands on Castiel’s shoulders.

Castiel shook his head. “I’m fine.”

Dean smiled and lowered his head as he sighed. “Good! I was scared I- Nevermind. I was looking for you. My dad just came home, he’s with Sam in the kitchen having breakfast. He knows you work here, live here. He also knows you had an accident with Saturn but he doesn’t know about your ex or the fact that you like men and if you want to stay here I suggest we keep it that way.”

“Wait, what?!” Castiel exclaimed.

“Yeah, I know. He’s a little… close minded. He can’t help it, doesn’t know any better.” Dean said, his hands were still on Castiel’s shoulder. The touch seemed to get warmer every second Dean kept his hands there, and like that wasn’t enough his gaze seemed to be glued to Castiel as well.  
“So… Ehm. Sam _does_ know, by the way. But he’s totally cool with it. I explained everything to him last night after you went to bed. You should be okay as long as my dad doesn’t know.”

After what seemed to be an eternity Dean finally lifted his hands and looked away and Castiel felt like he could finally breathe again.

“You coming downstairs?”

Castiel blinked and looked down, nope still in his pajamas.

Dean seemed to just realize the same now and he laughed “How stupid of me. Go change.” He said and headed for the staircase to go to downstairs. “Hey, Cas?”

Castiel looked up at him one more time. “Hm?”

“I eh… I’m glad you’re here.” He said, a small smile curved his perfectly sculpted lips, and he hopped down the stairs.

Castiel closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, ignoring the hot burn of blood that had collected in his neck and on his cheeks and he was certain he was blushing like an idiot.

 

John Winchester turned out to be a very nice guy, Castiel had expected a businessman with a tailored suit and a leather suitcase glued to his hand, but in fact he had the same style as his sons, casual jeans and button up shirt with a scruffy beard and friendly smile. 

“You must be Castiel.” John said when he saw Castiel walking into the kitchen. John was already seated at the kitchen table and Sam was still busy making breakfast for the men.  
“Dean told me all about you, you sound like a fine guy to me. I’m John Winchester, nice to meet you.” John said and stood up from his chair to shake Castiel’s hand. It was a firm shake and for a moment Castiel thought his arms was gonna fall off, especially with his shoulder still being pretty bruised and stuff.

“I heard about what happened with Saturn the other day, I’m really sorry that happened. But, like the boys already told you, you can stay here and go back to work when you’re feeling up to it again, so take your time to properly heal. I’d hate to see you get hurt again. Okay?”

Castiel nodded “Thank you, sir.”

“Please, call me John. I’m feeling old enough already being surrounded by all those young people.” John laughed.

Dean entered the kitchen not much later.  
“Ah, Dean. You’re here, good. Listen up, boy, I’m leaving again. I’m gonna meet up with some of the big boys in New Jersey so you gotta keep an eye on the business, okay?” John said and sipped from his coffee.

Dean raised his eyebrows. “Excuse me?”

“Don’t give me that look, son. You know I have-”

“You’re leaving again?! You came back like one hour ago!” Dean shouted and Castiel decided the attic would be the safest place to be right now, but before he had reached the hallway the kitchen backdoor was slammed open.  
“There’s something wrong with Molly!” She panted, she must’ve sprinted the way back to the house because she was completely out of breath.

“WHAT?!” Dean exclaimed.

“She’s down and she’s having trouble breathing.” Jo said.

“Sam, call Amelia. NOW!” Dean shouted and ran outside to the stables.

Sam dropped everything and pulled his phone from his pocket. John put his mug down and stood up, putting his coat on and he left the room just like that.

 

~~~~~~

Suddenly it was quiet. There was a dull thud and Samandriel had abruptly stopped crying for his mother. There was no sound. No obtuse pounding. No heavy boots bouncing on the floor.  
The noises had just stopped and Castiel knew it couldn’t be good. On his knees he shuffled to the wall until the chain wouldn’t let him go any further, just far enough to press his ear against the wall and listen.

“Manny?” There were some shifting noises. “Samandriel, answer me. Samandriel!”

_Oh no… Not Samandriel. Not now, not him!_

“FUCK!” Malcom yelled, followed by a loud bang that made Castiel jump and shuffle back to the other corner of the room as quickly as possible, hugging his knees. Maybe he should pretend to be sleeping? That way if Malcom came into Castiel’s room he’d maybe leave him alone.

~~~~~~

 

Jo’s fingers snapped Castiel back to reality.

‘’Eat. You need to recover. Do you have any idea how lucky you are to still be working here?!’’

‘’Shut it, Jo!’’ Tessa interrupted her and gave Castiel a soft smile ‘’Don’t worry about it. You’re a great help. And I think little Jo here is just a little jealous.’’ she said with a wink before she focussed on washing the dishes again.

Jo sat down on the other end of the kitchen table and rolled her eyes. ‘’I swear to God-’’

‘’I told you to shut it!’’ Tessa snapped. Jo gave her one more angry look and took an aggressive bite from her sandwich as she stood up and left the kitchen.  
‘’Cas, why don’t you go check on Dean, he has been with that poor animal for hours! Bring him something to eat, hm?’’ Tessa said and opened a cupboard to grab a thermos mug, she filled the mug with fresh coffee and put it in a bag with the sandwiches she made for Dean. ‘’I hoped he’d be back by now, but can you take this to him?’’ she handed Castiel the bag. He had no choice but to accept the bag and go to Dean now.  
He sighed, took the bag and left the kitchen.  
The sun started to sink away into the skyline of trees and barns, coloring the sky with pastels and slowly conjuring up the stars and Castiel took a brief moment to draw in a breath and calm down before he entered the big stables.

He was a little anxious about how he’d find Dean. It had been three days back when John had left, the exact moment Dean heard something was wrong with his favorite horse, leaving his sons to fix the mess and Dean had been furious. 

Curious horses poked their heads out and snorted as Castiel walked by and he couldn’t help but to chuckle and touch some of the soft warm muzzles that were pointed at him.

When he finally reached the quarantine at the end of the wide corridor Castiel leaned over the stable door and watched Dean. He was sitting next to Molly, his back towards the door.  
The mare slowly lifted her head to take a look at who was staring.

Dean started to turn around as well to see what the sick horse was looking at.  
‘’Sammy, could you please bri-’’ his breath hitched ‘’Oh… Cas, it’s you.’’

Did he sound surprised or disappointed? 

‘’Sorry, I thought you were Sam. What are you doing here?’’ he asked. Castiel still couldn’t figure out if the tone of his voice was neutral or annoyed.

He bit his lip and stared back at the young man who was sitting on the ground, his jeans covered with dirt, straw and horse snot.

‘’Uh, Tessa told me bring you this. You haven’t eaten all day so she made sandwiches, she also made you fresh coffee.’’ Castiel said softly, maybe a little too softly. He was wondering if Dean even understood what he said because Dean just stared back at him with a blank expression on his face.  
Castiel figured he just opened the stable and hand him the bag to get back out as fast as possible.  
His hand started to push the door open but Dean stopped him.

Dean stood up and opened it for him, his eyes not breaking his gaze with Castiel’s.

‘’Please, let me help you.’’ he said quickly and opened the stable door.

‘’I just came here to drop off your food and coffee, I’m going back to my room anyway.’’ Castiel said and handed Dean the canvas bag.

Dean took the bag, held it open and looked inside. 

‘’Tessa made this for me?’’

Castiel nodded and bit his lip, was there something wrong with the sandwich? He started to panic a bit. Did he do something wrong?

‘’Yeah, she literally just made this.’’ Castieltiel said, leaning a back a bit.

Dean shook his head with a small smile on his lips.

‘’What’s wrong?’’ Cas asked carefully, trying to not make Dean angry in any way. 

‘’Milk and sugar. I always have milk and sugar in my coffee!’’ he chuckled as if it was extremely stupid of Tessa to have forgotten that. Or did he think Castiel had forgotten it?

‘’I-I’ll go back and get it for you!’’ Castiel said quickly.

‘’No!’’ Dean said and rested his hand on Castiel’s shoulder, his thumb dangerously close to his neck. Again the shoulder...  
Castiel froze a bit and Dean quickly pulled his hand back. ‘’No, I’ll go. I need to use the bathroom anyway. Could you… could you stay with Molly? Just keep her company, she likes it when you tickle behind her ear and whisper to her. Could you please do that for me? Uh, I mean her. Could you do that for Molly?’’ he said and gulped, looking at the dusty floor.

Castiel nodded ‘’Of course. I’ll stay with her until you come back.’’ He said.

Without another word Dean was walking the same way Castiel came in.

He took a deep breath and tried to steady his heart, why was it beating in his throat? He wiped the sweat off his hands to his jeans and carefully walked into the stable, closing the door behind him.

Molly had put her head down on a small heap of hay, breathing heavily. Castiel bit his lip, feeling sorry for the poor animal. He walked around her and sat himself down next to her head.  
The mare lifted her head and rested it on Castiels’ lap, heaving another sigh and looking straight back into his eyes. He smiled and caressed her neck, tickling her behind her ear because Dean said she liked it, but Molly didn’t seem too impressed by Castiel’s ‘’tickling skills’’.

It seemed like forever until Dean returned, but Castiel patiently waited for him to come back. He used the time he had alone to figure out why he made him feel so strange. It kinda scared him in a comfortable way. Like he wanted to be with him, but as far away as possible at the same time. When he wasn’t around Castiel wished for him to be there, but when he was finally there, all Castiel wanted to do was run away and lock himself up in his room until he starved to death, only to keep the door unlocked, hoping Dean would save him.  
Which of course he wouldn’t do. Who the hell cared for the stable boy anyway? Jo said that if the John would’ve been around he had probably lost my job already because he hadn’t been useful for such a long time. So they couldn’t care for Castiel that much, let alone Dean.

 _Put it out of your head!_ Castiel ordered himself. _He doesn’t care._ thought and continued petting Molly’s neck and muzzle.

Only seconds later Dean opened the door, holding the canvas bag and a couple of blankets. He smiled when he saw Castiel with Molly.

‘’I can tell she likes you, she doesn’t even do that with me.’’ Dean said softly, trying not to startle the horse.

‘’Do what?’’

‘’Resting her head on your lap like that.’’

Castiel mouthed a small ‘o’ and tried to get moving again. Since Dean was back his assistance was no longer needed.

‘’No, stay there. Molly really likes that, don’t move!’’ Dean snapped and Castiel froze again, slowly sitting back. He didn’t dare to touch Molly again. He shifted his legs back to their original position.

Dean sat down between Molly’s legs and handed Castiel one of the blankets. ‘’Sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that. Would you like to stay here?’’

 _Hell to the yes!_ It was like Dean had the gravity of Jupiter, pulling Castiel closer and it scared the living daylight out of him. First of all Dean wasn’t interested in him and if he even had the slightest interest it wouldn’t work out. Because, second, Castiel left a trail of destruction wherever he went. Demolishing everyone he touched.

 _No, I’m tired. I should really-_ “Of course I’ll stay.”  
Castiel wanted to smack his own head for that, but apparently Dean wanted him there to keep him company.

For the first time in three days Dean smiled at him. Together they covered Molly with some blankets.

“So, what does she have?”

“Equine Influenza. Horse flu. Very contagious, so take the other exit when you leave.” Dean said and sat down next to Castiel, so close that he could feel the warmth radiating from his body.. “I don’t even know how she got it, all the horses seem to be perfectly fine, they all had their shots and out of all the horses, all the fucking horses, it got to pregnant Molly.” Dean sighed and gently palmed Molly’s neck.

“Dean?”

“Hm?” Dean hummed without looking away from Molly.

“I never properly thanked you for saving me. So… Thank you.”

Dean fumbled a little with Molly’s manes. “It was nothing.”

Castiel shook his head and fisted his hands into the hay. “It wasn’t nothing, Dean. You had a freaking gun! What if the cops-”

“The cops wouldn’t have done anything. This is Kansas, smartass.” Dean chuckled and finally looked up, “And just know I meant every word I said. I will protect you, I won’t let that happen to you ever again. Just… Try to stay away from guys like that, they’re no good for you. No good for anybody. I wonder how you wound up with him in the first place to be honest. Because that was one ugly son of a bitch.” Dean laughed. But Castiel didn’t.

“It’s a long story.” He mumbled.

“And I’ve got all the time in the world. Nobody’s here and I doubt that Molly would tell anyone.”

Castiel sighed and laid his hand on Molly’s muzzle again, caressing the soft skin around her lips and nostrils.  
“My parents kicked me out of the house about… 3 years ago. I couldn’t go to a church with a god who teaches that men who love men are foul and should be punished. When I came out my dad was furious, couldn’t believe that one of his sons was a fag, an abomination. I was the shame of the family and they kicked me on the curb. I was lucky enough to keep my job and I found a small room. On the internet I met Malcom. He was older than me, not the most handsome man ever but he was kind to me. He bought me a oneway ticket to Memphis.”

“But he wasn’t who you thought he was?”

Castiel shook his head. “Not exactly, no.” Oh great, there was the familiar prick of tears in his eyes again.

“I’m really sorry to hear that. I hope you feel at home here at the ranch at least a little. You can stay as long as you want. I heard you’re a big help for Tessa.” 

Castiel shrugged and hung his head.

“Hey, hey hey!” Dean said softly and brought his hand to Castiel’s chin, gently lifting his head as tears began to fall from his blue eyes.  
“Shit, Cas, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up.” He whispered and pulled Castiel into his arms, carefully pressing him against his chest as he stroked the dark hair that looked so good on him. Dean sighed softly and tucked Castiel’s head under his chin.

 _”You’ll be okay.”_ The first notes escaped Dean’s throat before he even knew it.

 _”You’ll be okay. The sun will rise, to better days.”_ And here he was, sitting in a stable box with a sick horse and a damaged boy in his arms.

 _”And change will come, it’s on its way. Just close your eyes, and let it rain.”_ He sang softly as he slowly rocked Castiel back and forth, careful to not disturb Molly in the process.

 _”Cause you’re never alone, and I’ll always be there. You just carry on, you’ll understand.”_ Castiel relaxed in Dean’s arms and rested against his chest. “I mean it, Cas. Every damn word of it.”

“Please don’t.” Castiel said softly, his voice thick with sadness. “You can’t mean it, you shouldn’t-”

“But I do.” Dean said and pulled Castiel out of his embrace a little, just to look him in the eyes and show him that he really meant it. That he’d be there for him and protect him like he promised. Dean’s heart broke a little when he found two puffy red eyes staring back at him. “I mean it.”

Castiel started to turn his head, hiding away, but Dean caught his chin again. “Why don’t you believe me?”

“I can’t be happy, Dean.” He cried softly.

“Yes, yes you can. I can show you. I _will_ show you! Do you trust me?”

Castiel wanted to look away but Dean held him in a firm grip. “Do you?”

Finally Castiel returned the look again, he swallowed and nodded slowly. “I trust you.”

“Fucking finally.” Dean muttered and pressed his lips against Castiel’s. At first he protested, his eyes wide, shoulders frozen and joints locked and Dean pulled back quickly. Castiel just stared at him, looking absolutely terrified. 

_No turning back now._

“Cas?” Dean asked. “Oh shit, I’m so-” he didn’t get the chance to finish as Castiel had already kissed Dean’s mouth. Moving his lips hungrily when Dean leaned in as well.


	7. Nightmares in Amsterdam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, I had to change the rating from M to E for this chapter, so be warned!

It wasn’t until Molly started to stand up, when Dean finally pulled back with an enormous smile that seemed to be permanently plastered to his face.  
“I think she’s trying to tell us to get a room.” Dean chuckled. His smile turned out to be not very permanent when he looked down at Castiel who looked like he had just made the biggest mistake in his life.

“Cas?”

The bad moon was rising and Castiel could feel it, he could feel the dark cloak of his everlasting curse getting wrapped around his shoulders as a reminder that happiness would go away, he didn’t deserve it, he would never deserve it.

“Cas, please talk to me. Did I… Did I go too far? I thought that-”

“It’s okay, Dean, really.”

“You don’t look okay to me.”

Castiel groaned softly when he stood up, stretching his stiff muscles. “I’m good, don’t worry about me. Please. Just leave it.”

Dean got back on his feet now too, insecurity and confusion were visible in his eyes. “Cas, we just kissed. And the way you’re acting worries m-”

“I said, leave it!” Castiel said angrily and left the box.

Dean quickly patted Molly’s neck and closed the stable door before following Castiel outside into the cool night air. “No, Cas! Wait!”

“No, Dean. We shouldn’t have done that, it was stupid!” Castiel exclaimed and threw his arm in the air, hissing and cursing as he realized his shoulder was still pretty much fucked up.

“You have got to be kidding me! You think that was stupid? Was it a mistake? I don’t know about you, but I’ve wanted to do that since the first time I saw you.” Dean came a little closer and Castiel let him. “I wanted to look at your blue eyes all day and kiss that pretty mouth of yours. I didn’t care about the bruises or the messy clothes. I still don’t. But then you said you were here to get over a girl and I-” Dean bit his lip and looked away “I kinda lost it. I started acting like an asshole. Hell! I even went on a fucking date with Jo.”

“Maybe she would be better for you.” Castiel said softly.

Dean looked up again with wide eyes. “What?! No! I don’t want her!”

“But your dad-”

“Screw him!” Dean yelled “Screw that old man and his shortsighted ideas. And screw that monster who dared to treat you like anything less than a prince! I want to care for you, Castiel. I want to make you feel worthy, because you are. You deserve the very best, especially after all the crap you went through. And I don’t know what he did to you. If you want to talk about it I’ll be here, because that’s what I want. I wanna be here for you.” He stopped to catch his breath for a moment.

Castiel looked at Dean with sad eyes. “Dean. I can’t.”

“That’s the point! You don’t have to do anything. You’ve done so much already!” He said and brought his hand to the right side of Castiel’s face, gently tracing the small scar that crossed Castiel’s eyebrow with his thumb.

“You don’t understand.” Castiel soughed, his breath turning into small clouds as it collided with the cold autumn air.

“Then make me understand, please. But not here. You’re gonna catch a cold in these clothes, let’s go inside.”

“What about Molly?”

“Molly is standing again, which is good for now. Come on.” Dean said and tried to wrap an arm around Castiel, but he shoved him away. Dean didn’t know about his curse.

“Cas, what the hell?”

“I’m sorry, Dean.”

“Do you want me to leave you alone?”

Castiel inhaled a shaky breath, he didn’t want to be alone, but he had no other choice. He tried to swallow the lump that was forming in his throat and he nodded. “Yes, Dean. I want you to leave me alone.” he said, no longer able to look Dean in the eye.

“Wow. You’re unbelievable.” Dean said softly and took a step back, shaking his head.

Castiel ignored the sharp stab of those words, it wasn’t the first time someone had said them to him, usually when he didn’t want to perform certain actions.

 

~~~~~~

“Oh, so now _I‘m_ the bad guy, huh?” Malcom said scornful “You’re unbelievable. Why are you even here? You obviously don’t love me. We’ve been together for almost a month. A whole month! And you haven’t even given me a blowjob! Why don’t you go back to your parents, huh? Be useless somewhere else!” He taunted as he shifted to his other side, turning his back to Castiel to jerk himself off instead.

~~~~~~

 

“Dean!” Castiel said, but Dean was already making his way back to the stables.

This time Castiel hit himself, in the face, and hard. He deserved it for kissing Dean. He deserved pain. There was no way this could’ve worked out. Castiel’s history was something that would be too much of a problem, a problem that nobody should be dealing with but him. And that was the end of it.

Slowly, Castiel sauntered back to the house. Jo and Tessa had already gone home and Sam was making himself a grilled cheese sandwich in the kitchen by himself when Castiel walked in.

“Cas? What happened?” He asked. But Castiel ignored him, already climbing up the stairs. “Cas!”

The last thing he heard was the opening and shutting of the kitchen’s backdoor, after that he was totally alone with the silence of the big house. He knew he should take a shower but he went straight to bed. His meds had stopped working hours ago and all he wanted to do was sleep like he never had to wake up again. But when the morning finally came he still found himself lying on his back, staring at the ceiling as the rising sun casted its first rays on the ceiling. Another sleepless night and he was exhausted as usually. 

When Castiel went downstairs for breakfast, Dean and Sam were having a wild discussion.

“Sam, I’m telling you. I’m not just gonna leave her here! She’s almost due and she’s still sick. I wanna be there when she’s gonna give birth!”

“I know, Dean. But we have no other choice. I’m not going there with Jo instead. She’s absolutely useless outside the ranch.”

Castiel just stood awkwardly in the door opening, neither of the Winchesters had noticed his presence and at this point Castiel was tempted to just turn around, go back upstairs and try to get some actual sleep.

“Good morning, Cas.” Sam said. Dean just stared at the half eaten waffles on his plate and didn’t say anything. “Dean?” Sam said in a threatening tone and kicked him under the table, provoking a muffled groan from the older brother.

“Morning, Cas.” Dean mumbled without looking up.

“Dean!” Sam exclaimed and slammed his fist on the table.

“No, Sam, it’s okay.” Castiel said softly. “You can have breakfast in peace, I’ll go feed the horses and give Molly her medicine. I’ll make my own breakfast when you're done. It’s fine.” Castiel walked to the back door and pulled his bodywarmer from the coat rack. “I’ll see you around.” And with that he left the house.

Like every morning the horses were going crazy over their breakfast, kicking the doors, neighing and snorting. Usually Castiel would be amused by all the madness going on within the boxes but today he didn’t care. Today he was working on automatic pilot. He was glad he was finally able to use his right arm again, even though it was only a little. He wasn’t even near ready to drag straw bales around the barn, but he felt useful again and that was nice. The household chores that Tessa had given him to stay occupied were boring as hell so he was more than happy to get back to the horses.

Castiel stopped in front of Saturn’s box for a moment, the stallion looked back at him and Castiel could’ve sworn there was guilt in those big blue eyes.

“It’s okay, Saturn, you couldn’t help it.” Castiel said and caressed Saturn’s head. “Here’s your breakfast.” He said and tilted Saturn’s portion of food into the manger.

When Castiel finally got to the quarantine he was happy to see that Molly was still standing and looking a lot more energetic than yesterday.

“Hey, Molly.” Castiel greeted the mare. Molly snorted softly in return, hanging her head over the door for Castiel to pet her. He filled her manger with her special mixed food with meds.  
“I’m an idiot, aren’t I?” Castiel said softly as he scratched Molly’s neck. She looked so calm, so quiet. Castiel looked around quickly. When he noted that he was the only one, he grabbed the chest with grooming supplies, opened the door and joined Molly in her stable. Her hide was covered in dust and mud and Castiel thought she deserved a nice brushing.

He was almost halfway done when Molly lifted her head as the door was opened and someone entered the quarantine.

“Sammy, could you- Oh…”

Castiel turned his head to find Dean standing in the doorway with a halter in his hands.

“Sam said he’d be here…”

“I haven’t seen your brother.” Castiel said curtly and moved his attention back to grooming Molly.

“Oh… Well, I was gonna ask Sam to let you know that I left you some waffles on the kitchen counter in case you were hungry.”

Castiel’s eye softened a little and he turned around to look at Dean again “That’s very kind of you, you didn’t have to do that for me.”

“But I wanted to. Listen, Cas, about last night-”

“Can we please _not_ have that conversation?”

“Whoah! Calm down, Grumpy, I’m sorry! Are you almost done? I’ve gotta take her out for a walk now.”

“You know what?” Castiel said angrily and turned around, flinging the brush back in the chest, slamming it shut and picking it up. “I _am_ done. She’s all yours!” he said harshly and left the chest in the corner next to the box before leaving the quarantine. Maybe Dean was saying something to him but he didn’t care. Dean could suck it.

 

“Castiel?” Sam’s voice sounded from the other side of his bedroom door. He sighed, put the novel he was reading down on the bedside table and got up to open the door.

“Is this about Dean?”

Sam frowned his eyebrows “What? No! Can I come in?”

Castiel shrugged and took a step back to let Sam in who sat down in the big chair next to the bookcase.

“I was wondering how you are feeling.” Sam said, a soft look in his eyes.

Castiel sat back down on his bed and tilted his head a little. “Well, my ribs are healing okay, breathing is less painful every day and I can use my shoulder for the light chores again. So… Yeah, I’m good.”

Sam smiled and cleared his throat. “That’s good to hear. Uhm. So get this. My dad was supposed to fly back to the Netherlands in two days, but things have gotten a little out of hand in New Jersey so now he’s gotta stay there until he fixed whatever he broke this time. Which means he won’t be able to catch his flight to Amsterdam. Now my dad thinks it’s a good idea to show you the ropes.”

“Wait a second. He wants to send me to Amsterdam all by my myself?!” Castiel exclaimed.

Sam laughed and shook his head “What? Are you crazy? No! You’re staying here. Don’t worry. Dean and I are going to Europe, so this is nice chance for you to learn to run this place. Jo, Nick and Ash will be here to help you. So you’ll be fine. It’s just that… Dean and I won’t be around.”

That wouldn’t be too bad. Okay, Jo wasn’t his favorite person in the world, but he could work with Nick and Ash. And some time away from Dean didn’t sound too bad either.

Castiel heaved a sigh and smiled. “Thank God! I thought you were sending me on a plane!”

 

_Two days later_

“Cas?” Sam said hoarse. “You gotta go in my place.” He said before he nearly coughed his lungs out again.

“What?!” Dean and Castiel exclaimed in unison. It was just a couple minutes past 6 am when Sam trudged into the kitchen, still wearing his pajamas.

“Come on, guys, I’ve been glued to the toilet all night long! They won’t even let me near the airplane even if I wanted to!” Sam said. He looked like he just came straight from hell, his face was white as a sheet, his lips were chapped and his red rimmed eyes were circled by dark rings.

“Maybe you should eat something. That should make you feel better. I made a hearty breakfast. Toast, eggs, bacon with pancakes on the side. Huh?” Dean said and held out the pan towards Sam. He immediately backed off and covered his mouth and nose.  
“Crap. That bad, huh?” Dean sighed.

Sam nodded and groaned. “Excuse me.” He said softly as he ran out of the kitchen, probably to the toilet.

Dean shook his head. “Great.” He grumbled and glanced at Castiel who was slowly chewing on his toast.

Sam came back after a good ten minutes, looking even worse than before.

“Alright, Sammy, that’s it. You’re going back to bed. We’re postponing this trip. I’ll make you some rice and chicken, that always worked for the dog so it should work on you too.”

“No, Dean. You can’t. Dad is gonna be furious when he finds out you just threw away the plane tickets! I can take care of myself. You’ve gotta go to Amsterdam.”

“To hell with that! Not without you!”

Sam sighed and rolled his eyes. “Don’t be a sissy, Dean! Castiel can hold your hand on the plane.” He said jokingly.

Castiel decided it would be better to look at his plate and Dean shut up at instantly, giving Sam the death glare. Sam narrowed his eyes. “Wait a minute!” He said, a smirk started to form on his face. “Oh my God, why didn’t I see this coming? Of course!” he laughed.

“You shut your face!” Dean said, pointing at his younger brother.

Sam chuckled and shook his head. Castiel carefully lifted his head to look at Dean, finding Dean was looking at him too, making Sam laugh even harder.

“Oh Lord, I feel like shit but you two just made my day a whole lot better!”

“Stay out of it, Sam. Go back to bed. Cas, pack your bags. We’re going to Holland” Dean grouched and dumped the contents of the pan into the trashcan. 

One hour later they were in the taxi on their way to the airport. The atmosphere was anything but pleasant and it made Castiel feel tight to his chest to sit next to Dean Winchester. He was supposed to stay away from him and now they were going to be stuck on a plane with each other for 14 hours.

They were waiting at the gate for the boarding and Dean went to take a piss for the fourth time after they went through airport security.

“Your friend looks nervous. Doesn’t he like flying?” An old man with a beard sitting across from Castiel asked out of the blue.

Castiel shrugged. “I think so. But I’m not sure if it’s because of the flight or the fact that he’s gonna be sitting next to me for the duration of it.”

The old man laughed. “Where are you going?”

“Amsterdam.” Castiel said.

“Oh! Good choice. The Dutch are very friendly. Very tolerant toward people such as yourself. Have fun.” The man said and winked.

“What do you mean, people such as-”

“Cas, it’s our time to board. You got your passport and boarding pass ready?” Dean barged in. His eyes were wide and his shoulders tense. Yes, the great Dean Winchester was a nervous flyer, much to Castiel’s amusement.

“I’ve had it ready for over an hour, Dean.”

“Don’t be a smartass. Come on.” Dean hissed and picked up their carry-on baggage.

Dean seemed to get worse every minute and Castiel didn’t know if he’d be better off leaving him alone or trying to help him calm down a little. He decided to go for the first option, he could always jump in when Dean got too bad, right? They got two seats on the right side of the plane, the middle chair and the one next to the aisle. Dean of course claimed the one as far away from the window as possible, nervously clawing at the armrests.

Castiel said a quiet thanks to the heavens when the window seat remained empty, quickly sitting down and buckling up.

“Cas?”

“Yes, Dean?” Castiel said dull as he stared out the window.

“I don’t mean to be clingy, but… Uhm… C-could you please _not_ sit all the way over there?” Dean said softly.

Castiel turned his head and narrowed his eyes. “I thought you wanted to stay away from me?”

“Because you were- I mean because you _are_ angry with me. You are the one who wanted me to stay away so I stay away.” Dean faltered, his eyes big and pleading. “I’m sorry, Cas. Really.”

Castiel could feel the heat creeping up to his neck and washing over his cheeks. 

“I only need someone next to me I know. Someone to…” Dean breathed heavily, near panting. “You know, someone.”

“Dean, you’re hyperventilating. Calm down. If you want to sit next to me then sit here in the middle. I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have treated you like I did. I’m just-”

Castiel hadn’t even finished his sentence and Dean was already sitting next to him and grabbed his hand.

“Dean, you _have_ to calm down. If you don’t start breathing regularly you could lose consciousness and we don’t want that on board of a plane, now do we?”

Dean just stared at him, his eyes hadn’t shrunk in size and the sweaty grip on Castiel’s hand grew tighter and tighter.

“Dean?” Castiel pulled his hand out of the death grip and placed his hands on either sides of Dean’s face. “Breathe, slowly. You can do this. Just like you practiced on the way to the airport. Breathe in, 1, 2, 3. And out, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. That’s it. Now keep going, it looks like we’re going to take off now.” Castiel said and let go of Dean’s face again as he leaned back in his seat.

Dean nodded and closed his eyes, leaning back in his seat too, pressing his fingernails into the armrests again as the plane’s speed on the airstrip started to increase.

Halfway during the takeoff Castiel heard the familiar notes of ‘Some Kind Of Monster’.

“You’re humming Metallica?” Castiel asked.

“It calms me down.” Dean murmured. The poor guy was trying to push himself deeper into the chair, as if the plane could dive into a freefall any moment.  
Castiel couldn’t help but let his hand rest on Dean’s, smiling softly as he looked back at him in confusion.

“You’ll be okay.” Castiel mouthed. Dean smiled back weakly and took Castiel’s hand.

 

One nerve-racking flight later they finally landed on Schiphol airport. Dean didn’t really pass through any of the landing, he had exhausted himself enough to fall asleep and sleep through the last bit of the flight.

“Dean.” Castiel shook Dean lightly. “Dean, we landed. You’ve gotta wake up now. You can sleep more when we get to the hotel.”

Dean stirred in his half-asleep half-awake state and peered through one eye. “We landed already?”

“Yeah, you even slept through the turbulence, it was crazy!”

“Oh.” He said as he yawned and stretched his back. “Good. You don’t want to be near me when I’m awake during rough air.” Dean chuckled. “What time is it?”

“I think it’s around 11 am local time.”

“Alright, not too bad. I suggest we get to the hotel, go to our rooms to drop of our stuff and make the best of the day. We gotta stay awake as long as possible.” Dean said and stood up from his seat to get the carry-on luggage from the overhead compartments.

“Wait, what? We? I thought I just came along to not throw away the money for the plane ticket and the hotel and stuff!”

Dean knitted his eyebrows and gave Castiel a lopsided grin. “Well, you thought wrong!” He chuckled and pushed one of the bags in Castiel’s arms. Dean was the only one with check-in luggage, he had insisted on bringing useless crap, like his ridiculous off-white cowboy hat because, like Dean had told him: “The Dutch dig that shit”.

“You will be my personal assistant for the next three days. Which means you have to shut up and do what I say.” Dean said as he started to make his way to the front of the plane, Castiel followed him closely.

“I didn’t sign up for this shit!”

Dean frowned and shrugged. “Little too late for that now, isn’t it? Come on, let’s just enjoy the time we’ve got here.”

“I’m exhausted and famished. I want to go the nearest Mcdonald's, stuff myself with fake food and go to sleep. I’m not here for fun. I’m not here for you. I’m here because you couldn’t take no for an answer.”

They walked through the bridge and to passport control.

“So... You kinda are here for me?” Dean said and put his cowboy hat on top of his head in one swift move.

“No!” Castiel exclaimed, trying hard to keep a straight face. He had a weak spot for that hat after all.

Dean didn’t say anything after that, but the annoying smirk of victory that was glued to his face didn’t fade.

It was nearly 1 in the afternoon in the Netherlands when they finally arrived at their hotel in Amsterdam. Castiel had been trying so hard to stay awake while chewing on his granola bar he couldn’t even bring himself to look at all the old houses that were stuffed next to each other at the canal sides on their way. 

“Are you sure this is the right address?” Dean asked when the taxi driver stopped in front of what looked like the most expensive hotel ever.

The driver nodded. “Yes, sir. This is the Dylan.”

“What’s wrong?” Castiel asked.

“The hotel, this can’t be it!” Dean said and took another look at the reservation papers. But the logo and name at the top of the paper perfectly matched the one on the flags of the freakin’ _palace_ they were parked in front of.

“I’m telling you, sir. This is it. That’d be 37,50. Please.”

Dean paid the driver with a confused look ironed to his face as Castiel tried to get the luggage out of the trunk with his good shoulder. 

“Can you believe this? This must be a mistake, right?” Dean murmured and took his bags from Castiel.

Castiel shrugged. “Let’s go inside and find out, shall we?”

Dean walked up to the counter, his silly cowboy hat still on top his jet lagged head.

“Excuse me, sir. I have a rather odd question.”

The clerk turned around, a red headed young man in neat attire turned around with a polite smile. “What can I help you with?”

“I was instructed to come to this hotel, but there might be a misunderstanding here. Could you please check? Just to be sure.”

“But of course, sir. On what name would the reservation have been made?”

“Uhm, Winchester.” Dean muttered.

“Let’s take a look shall we?” The clerk said. The polite smile was working on Castiel’s nerves, he didn’t like the way that guy was looking at Dean.  
“Ah! Yes, here it is. Winchester. Reservation for four nights in the junior suite including breakfast, please follow me!” The clerk said with a smug grin.

Dean turned around to Castiel. “Can you believe this?!”

Castiel shook his head.

“Allow me to help you with your luggage?” 

“I’m fine.” Castiel said curtly and kept his bag firmly pressed against his chest. There was no way he was gonna hand them to this poser.

Dean shot him a confused frown. Castiel just shook his head and followed the ginger to the elevators.

“Sir, may I compliment you on your marvelous hat?” The clerk said to Dean when they entered the elevator.

“Why thank you!” Dean said and turned to Castiel again, wiggling his eyebrows and giving him the I-told-you-so look. Which Castiel returned with a sarcastic smile and a roll of his eyes.

“And this is your room, here are your keys. Breakfast is every day from 7 am til 10:30. Enjoy your stay. If you need anything you only have to call for room service or the reception. Have a lovely day.” The redhead said and gave the both of them a wink, after that he walked back and disappeared into the elevator again.

Castiel groaned softly and Dean looked rather confused.

“Well, here goes nothing!” Dean unlocked the door and stepped inside. “Holy fuck!” he exclaimed.  
Castiel followed him inside and his jaw just dropped. This wasn’t just a hotel room anymore. This was more like a studio room. It had everything except a kitchen. The bathroom was huge with a tub that could hold at least three people and the bedroom itself had the biggest four-poster Castiel had ever seen, there was a spacious seating area at the end of the room with a big sofa, an enormous flat screen TV and an ice bucket with a signature bottle of champagne.

Dean whistled between his teeth and tossed his bags in the corner of the room, immediately doing a bellyflop on the huge bed.

Only one bed, that explained perfectly why that red headed guy had given them the weird looks. Castiel decided that he would be occupying the sofa for the next couple nights.

Castiel dragged his bag to the seating area and lay down on the sofa, fluffing up a pillow to rest his head on. His eyes were beginning to fall shut, he could finally get some sleep.

“Hey! What do you think you’re doing?” Dean asked. Castiel heard him get up. Oh no, he was walking to him.

“What does it look like?” Castiel said and yawned.

“Oh no! Nothing of that! No way! Get your ass off that sofa.”

“Dean, please let me at least take a little nap! You slept through the crying babies on the flight. I, for a fact, didn’t!”

“What?” Dean said and chuckled. “I said nothing about not having the right to sleep. But you’re not sleeping on the couch, silly goose. Get in the bed!”

Castiel opened his eyes. Dean was sitting on his haunches in front of him. “But-”

“You really thought I was gonna let you crash on the couch? Cas, have you seen the size of that bed? And right now I’ve got some business to take care of and I’m sure as _hell_ gonna soak in that enormous tub! So please, get comfortable.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve had worse than this super comfortable couch. Really. Just… Just let me sleep, please. Wake me up when we’re going somewhere.” Castiel closed his eyes again and turned to his other side, away from Dean.

“Alright! Whatever floats your boat, I guess.”

 

~~~~~~

The Graceland Mansion. That had been their third date with Samandriel. It was beautiful. Castiel always loved Elvis’ music and finally being able to see the mansion meant a lot to him. He tried to stay as close to this boy as possible. Castiel loved telling Samandriel everything he knew about the king of rock ‘n roll and Samandriel absorbed every word he was told. Malcom on the other hand was too busy talking to some entrepreneur that was walking around.

“Oh my God.” Castiel gasped.

“What?” Samandriel asked.

“It’s _the_ piano. I can’t believe it!” Castiel whispered and grabbed Samandriel’s hand, pulling him into the music room. And there it was, Elvis’ 24k gold leaf grand piano.

Samandriel smiled up at Castiel. “It’s beautiful.”

“Yes it is.” Castiel said and looked back at Samandriel. He was such a handsome boy, too good for this world. And right now he was all his. 

“Stop giving me that stupid look and kiss me already.” Samandriel chuckled and inched closer to Castiel until their mouths met.

It was that exact moment that Castiel realized he was in love with this boy, and he would do anything in his power to keep him safe.

 

 

The door to his room was kicked in and the lock was flung across room. Castiel stayed as still as possible, huddled on his side on the filthy mattress.

“Get up, you piece of shit!”

Trembling Castiel unfolded himself and sat up. Malcom unlocked his handcuffs and pulled him up by his greasy blonde hair. Castiel muffled a cry.

“Get dressed.”

 

Blood.

There was so much blood. It was everywhere. Samandriel’s face had been beaten up until he was unrecognizable, his arm was in the most unnatural position and his neck was bruised deep purple all around.

Castiel cried without sound when he held the rag in place as Malcom tied it together around the fragile frame of Samandriel’s lifeless body.

_“Cas?”_

The tears wouldn’t stop. He didn’t love Malcom, he had never loved him. It was always Samandriel.

_”Cas, you gotta wake up._

His boy. His blue eyed boy.

_”Castiel!_

He was falling. The pit was so deep and dark and seemed to be endless. Why didn’t he hit the bottom? He wanted it to be over.

When he finally hit rock bottom he shot up with a scream. Tears were streaming down his face, his throat felt like he had swallowed gravel and his heart… The pain was unbearable. 

“Calm down, Cas. You’ve gotta calm down.”

How could he possibly calm down?! The room was spinning, the walls were closing him in. He couldn’t breathe.

“Cas, look at me.” Two warm hands were pressed to both sides of his face, guiding him to Dean’s face. “That’s right, here I am.” How could he be so calm? Where was all that noise coming from? 

He couldn’t stop crying. Fuck! He needed air!

“Shhhh. I’m here.”

Suddenly the hands were gone. Where did the hands go?! 

“It was only a nightmare, Cas.” Two strong arms picked him up, enveloping him with warmth again. “You’ll be okay. Just listen to me, okay? You’ve gotta breathe out now. You think you’re suffocating, but you’re not. Breathe out, Castiel, you can do this.”

The pain in his chest was getting worse, he _was_ suffocating!

“Come on, Cas. Open your eyes, it’s okay. Nobody’s gonna hurt you, I promised to protect you. No matter if you like me or not. Because I like you. Hell, I think I might like you more than I should.”

There was that sea of green again. Sparkling, no, burning. So much worry.

“Breathe.”

Finally Castiel gave himself over and exhaled in fits and starts.

“That’s it. You’re doing great, Cas.” But the green disappeared and his breath hitched again. There was a soft kiss pressed to his forehead and the green was back again.

“Feeling a bit better?”

Castiel nodded. “Thank you.” he whispered and leaned his head against Dean’s chest, the sound of his beating heart was a little hypnotic and the warmth calmed him down even more.

“You wanna talk about what just happened?”

Castiel shook his head. He finally dared himself to look around the room. Dean had carried him to the bed. He had propped himself up on the pillows and Castiel was curled up on his lap.

“What time is it?”

“Little past 7. Hungry?”

Castiel shrugged.

“You wanna go out to get food?”

“I don’t wanna move.”

Dean chuckled. “I understand, cowboy. But if you want food you’re gonna have to get up.”

“You could order something from room service, right?” Castiel said softly and looked up at Dean with big red eyes.

“Touché. You want something Dutch?”

Castiel shrugged. “Dunno. I’m gonna take a shower first, I feel like I sweated buckets.”

“That’s what panic attacks can do to you.You know what? You go take a shower, or a bath, whatever you like. Take your time to relax and meanwhile I order some food.”

Castiel decided to go for a hot shower to calm his nerves and ease his tensed muscles a little. It seemed like half an hour and Dean hadn’t called him out or anything. But Castiel had been soaking enough. he dried himself off, slipped into one of the way-too-fluffy bathrobes.

Dean was channel surfing when Castiel walked into the room.

“There you are!” He said and patted on the bed. “Come sit, dinner’s here!”

Dinner turned out to be something very very Dutch. Dean had ordered kale stew with smoked sausage. It smelled weird but it turned out to be very tasty and Castiel decided that kale was his new favorite vegetable. They ate in silence while watching some BBC. 

Every time Castiel thought of his nightmare he shifted a little closer to Dean until he was leaning against him. The warmth that was radiating from Dean and the sound of his calm, regular breath slowly lulled him back to sleep.


	8. Horses and homos

Dean was the first one to wake up that following morning. Something was different, though. Where a cold, open void used to be, there was a soft and warm Castiel wrapped in his arms. His hair smelled nice and Dean didn’t want to let it go.

He had been so stupid for ever leaving Castiel alone. Dean had promised that he’d protect him, and he failed to protect him from himself when he walked away from Castiel that night. And now here he was, sleeping soundly in Dean’s arms, shielded from all the evil in the world.  
How they ended up tangled up like this? Dean didn’t know. But he didn’t think that Castiel would be too happy if he woke up in Dean’s arms like this. Yes, Dean had held him when he had that awful panic attack, but it was all up to Castiel now.

Dean carefully pulled his arms away from around Castiel and tucked him in again. He quickly checked his phone. One new message.

**Sam Winchester: Hey Dean. How’s Amsterdam? Is it going okay between you and Cas?**

Dean smiled. Sam always worried too much about him. Which was funny, the roles were different not too long ago.

**Hiya Sammy. Amsterdam is great. Hotel is too fancy and things between Cas and me are getting better. Now tell me, did you get sick on purpose? ;P**

Dean put his phone away and looked at Castiel. He looked so peaceful and good enough to kiss but he told himself to hold himself back. No touching. Castiel had been very clear that he was no longer interested. Or was he? The way Castiel had held his hand on the plane, the way he had tried so hard to calm him down. And last night was a whole new level for both of them.  
Dean shook his head, trying to shake that thought out of his brain. No, last night had been a very difficult situation, if Castiel would’ve had a clear mind at the time he wouldn’t even have let Dean that close, let alone carry him to the bed and fall asleep on his shoulder.

He decided to take a quick shower and get dressed for the day. He went with his blue jeans, off-white blouse, brown vest and finished it off with his cow skull bolo tie.  
He quickly looked in the mirror. He already had a 5 o'clock shadow on his chin and jawline, but he decided he could go with it for just another day. Luckily the appointment wasn’t too formal, but he liked to show off his American side a little.

It was nearly time for breakfast when Castiel stirred in bed. He opened his tired eyes a little, groaned softly, closed them again and pulled the duvet over his head.

“Good morning to you too, Cas.” Dean said with a sugarcoated voice. And damn! It was so hard to not crawl under there and cuddle him again.

Castiel answered with a soft moan.

“Come on. Don’t be grumpy. I let you have a good sleep. We’ve gotta get down for breakfast.”

Castiel popped his head out and looked around with tired eyes. “No breakfast in bed?”

Dean snorted with laughter. “Maybe tomorrow. We don’t have that luxury today. Quick breakfast and then we’re going to the Dutch Riding School. Only for a couple hours and then we have the rest of the day to relax. It’s only a small convention to get to know other entrepreneurs, breeders. I’m gonna put the Winchester Ranch out there. You only have to be there and… Look pretty. Shouldn’t be a problem for you, huh?”

Castiel just rolled his eyes and let himself fall back again.

“Come oooon! Get up!” Dean said and grabbed Castiel’s feet through the duvet, provoking a high pitched shriek out of him as he pulled his legs back.

“You know, I would get up. But…”

“But what?” Dean said, his eyes were twinkling with amusement.

“Could you… Please turn around?”

“Why? Are you sporting a boner?” He said jokingly.

Castiel stared back at him with big eyes. “What?! No! It’s just… I’m not very proud of my body.”

Dean frowned a little. “Come on, Cas. Nothing I haven’t seen before. You look amazing!”

Castiel took a deep breath. “Alright then, just… Don’t say anything, please?”

Dean nodded. “Of course!”

Castiel slowly lowered the duvet and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, letting his feet touch the carpet. As soon as he let the duvet down entirely Dean forgot how to breathe, not in awe, but in shock.  
Castiel’s lean chest was decorated with thin pale scars, some short, some long. One reached all the way from his left shoulder til just under his right nipple. On his back were two lines that ran down his shoulderblades.

“Oh God, Cas.” Dean gasped.

“Don’t!” Castiel snapped and quickly helped himself into one of his T-shirts.

“I’m very sorry.”

“Don’t mention it.”

Why hadn’t Dean noticed them before? That one time Castiel ran into him when he came out of the bathroom… He hadn’t noticed and he felt horrible about it. He didn’t even want to guess what that boy must’ve been through before he arrived at the ranch.

“Dean?”

He carefully looked up at Castiel. “Yeah?”

“I’m okay now. Don’t worry about me.” Castiel said with a half smile, barely reaching his heavenly blue eyes. They seemed to have a little haze over them.

“I know… I know.” Dean sighed and bit his lip. He wanted to say more. Tell Castiel that he was still beautiful to him. He wanted to tell him that he would never get hurt by anyone ever again because Dean would be there to protect him. Dean would always be there for him if only Castiel would let him. He wanted to hold him close and kiss every single scar. Cover them with love to wash away the anger and aggression that was locked away in the pale skin.

Breakfast had been awkwardly quiet. Castiel seemed to be plunged in thought and staring out the window at the canal and all the little boats that came through. Dean wasn’t sure if he should try to get his attention, but he didn’t what he’d say when he finally had Castiel looking at him. He decided to let it slip for now. Unless Castiel was looking anything but neutral or happy he could intervene… Right?  
He couldn’t push that heavy guilty feeling off his chest, it had settled like an anchor and Dean felt like he had to redress it somehow.

“Cas?”

“Hm?” Castiel hummed without looking away from the window.

“Let’s go out tonight. Have some fun, you know? Something that’s not work related or anything. What do you think?”

Castiel finally turned to Dean, he narrowed his eyes and tilted his head a little. “Dean, are you asking me on a date?”

 _Yes_ “No!” He said quickly and took a sip from his coffee, forgetting how hot it still was and burning his mouth instantly. He immediately spat half of it out in his cup again. The other half landed on the table and his jeans, just missing his off-white shirt. “Crap!” He hissed.

Castiel started to laugh. A full on, big smile with teeth showing, laugh. One that reached his eyes and made them eyes shine again. And Dean couldn’t help but smile too.

“Yeah… Alright! Very funny.” Dean said and rolled his eyes.

“But please, do tell what you had in mind for tonight!” Castiel said with a big grin, handing Dean some napkins before he leaned his elbows on the table and rested his chin on his folded hands. “And don’t say red-light district!”

Dean chuckled and tried to clean himself up a little with the napkins. “Hell no. I’ve seen those hookers! They’re not… My style. But!” He said and looked up at Castiel, “I know some pretty cool clubs from the last time I was around, and I’m sure you will like them too.”

Castiel shrugged. “Okay. Sounds good. And do we have some time to explore the city?”

“Hell yeah!” Dean exclaimed. “Cas, we’re only here for that small convention. The other two days are just a vacation.”

Castiel frowned. “You’re kidding! So your dad booked 4 nights at the most expensive hotel for one convention?”

Dean nodded. “Yeah. I’m also pretty surprised he picked _this_ hotel. I don’t know where he gets the money and right now I don’t give a flying fuck. I say we enjoy the time we have here. Are you done with your breakfast?”

Castiel nodded.

“Good, because I’m gonna need a clean pair of jeans.” Dean sighed.

 

The convention was indeed small, or better said: _fucking tiny!_ The Dutch Riding School was absolutely beautiful. Something you wouldn’t expect from a riding school in the middle of a capital like Amsterdam. The indoor ring was breathtaking and the horses seemed to be in perfect condition in their big stables.  
The tour was closed with a high tea for the attendees and the possibility for networking.

“Yes, we would be very interested in investing in that industry. My father has been looking for an opportunity like this. Here is my card, and if you need anything else, just give us a call. We’d love to hear from you again.” Dean said and handed his dad’s business card to the entrepreneur with the weird Dutch name he had forgotten the second after they introduced.

“Hey, Cas. I’m gonna-” Dean looked around, but Castiel was nowhere to be found. “What the hell?” He murmured to himself. Dean finally found Castiel somewhere in a corner, talking to some random dude.

“Cas?”

Castiel turned his head around. “Oh, hey Dean! This is Tim. He just invited us to go out tonight, what do you think?”

Dean narrowed his eyes. “Tim?” He looked at the guy Castiel had been talking too. This Tim person was wearing a white T-shirt with an enormous V-neck and black skinny jeans. His brown hair was greased back and Dean could’ve sworn those brown eyes were lined black.

“Dean, hm? Are you two eh… Together?” Tim asked. _Yup, this one’s gay._

Castiel laughed. “Oh, no! I’m his personal assistant this week, nothing more.”

“Thank gucci! Anyway, Dean, you’re more than welcome to join in!” Tim said with a fat wink. His slick voice gave Dean the chills, and not in a sexy way.

“Yeah, Dean. You wanted to go out tonight anyway! Should be fun, right?” The kid was absolutely thrilled!

That squalid queer was totally checking out Castiel’s ass when he wasn’t looking and Dean wanted to punch him in the face for that, but he had to stay cool and keep his calm. He shouldn’t be ruining the name Winchester here.

“Yes, sounds like fun.” Dean said with a fake smile.

Castiel looked like he had just discovered bacon for the first time. “Good, cause I already gave him your number.” He said with a big grin.

“What? My number? Why not yours?” Dean asked.

“I eh… I got rid of it. I didn’t use it. I was always at the ranch anyway and I didn’t want to risk… You know.”

Dean inhaled deeply and sighed. “Alright then! I guess Tim will send me all the information we need to get to… Wherever we’re going tonight?”

Tim nodded. “Absolutely! I’m pretty sure you guys are gonna _love_ it there. It’s just shots, and cocktails, and boys… Ah! Just delicious! I’ll text you the details. Talk to you later!” He said with another wink and walked away.

“Can you believe it?” Dean said sarcastically.

Castiel frowned. “Believe what?”

Dean shook his head quickly, trying not to think about the possible outcomes a night out with that marmite miner could possibly have. “Nothing, let’s go grab something to eat, shall we? I think we’re done here. Almost out of cards and I’m _starving!_ ”

Castiel nodded. “Sounds good to me. Where are we going? Mcdonald’s?”

“Nah, man. Let’s find a place where they have actual meat! I refuse to eat that plastic shit!”

Instead of hauling a cab, Dean suggested to walk for a while. Amsterdam was big, there should be enough restaurants to grab a bite and just explore the city for a while. After that they could go back to the hotel to relax for a little while until they went out with _Tim_. Unpleasant chills ran down his spine when he thought of that slick creep. But Castiel seemed to like him.  
They had been walking quite some time when Castiel pulled on Dean’s sleeve.

“Dean, look!” He said and pointed at a piano that was standing in the middle of the street. _Play me_ was painted across the length of it. The people walking by didn’t touch it, just looked at it.

“Yes, it’s a piano…?”

Castiel nodded, enthusiasm was twinkling in his eyes. “You can play!”

“Cas, didn’t I tell you that I don’t like playing for an audience?” Dean said softly as they kept walking.

Castiel’s smile faded a little. “But you played for me that one time. Come ooon! It’s been so long since I heard you play.”

But Dean shook his head. “Sorry, man. Not happening. Not today. Come on, I’m starving!” He said and wrapped an arm around him to drag him away from that piano. “Let’s gooo…” Dean let his eyes slide past all the shops in the street until he found what he had been looking for. “There!” He started walking to the building at the end of the street.

“The Burger Bar?”

“Meat, Cas. Man needs meat! Burger equals meat.”

They walked inside and picked the table that was next to the window. Dean always liked to watch the people, and here in Amsterdam the people could get pretty crazy. It was his second time in this city and he loved every single thing about it. The canals, the coffee shops that didn’t sell coffee, the clubs, the people.

They didn’t have to wait long for someone to take their order.

“How can I help you boys?” A young woman asked.

Dean smiled. “I’ll have the special and a coke. What about you Cas?” He asked, not taking his eyes off mister baby blues in front of him.

“Uhm… I’ll have a cheeseburger and an orange soda.” Castiel said.

“Coming right up!” The young brunette said with a polite smile.

“Wait, how did you know we’re not Dutch?” Dean asked.

“The hat kinda gave it away. The people around here don’t really wear them.” She said awkwardly before turning around and walking away.

Castiel snorted with laughter as Dean decided to take off his hat after that comment. It didn’t take long before their orders arrived and Dean immediately set his teeth into the buns.

 

“Have you always liked horses?” Castiel asked in between bites from his cheeseburger.

Dean smiled and nodded. “Hell yeah! When I was a kid it was all about being a cowboy. I would throw on my sheriff vest, my six shooter and my hat. I would John Wayne myself right on up to breakfast and just eat my frootloops. I was four years old when my parents finally allowed me to ride a horse.” Dean said with a soft chuckle, shaking his head with a big grin splitting his cheeks as he thought of the old days. “My mom was so worried. Which was funny, because they actually bought this tiny shetland pony, just for me. But she still had this fear of me falling off somehow and getting hurt. My dad on the other hand,” Dean took a sip from his coke and shook his head with a smile. “That bastard would laugh his ass off every time that shitty animal bucked me off. How about you? Any cool family pets?”

Castiel’s smile grew a little. “Me and my brothers used to have a goldfish. It died because one of my brothers accidentally tipped over the fishbowl. Poor Hank perished after 3 days in our humble home. Our parents refused to buy another one. I was heartbroken.” He said sarcastically. “Never had any pets after that. But I’d love to own a cat some day.”

Dean frowned. “Why a cat?” He said and took a big bite from his double bbq burger.

“Because they are easy to keep. They shit in a box, so you don’t have to walk with them every day. They’re very independent, which means you can actually go out the entire day.”

Dean lightly raised his eyebrows and nodded as he shrugged.

“You don’t like cats, do you?” Castiel asked carefully.

“Well, “ Dean swallowed quickly and took another sip from his coke. “I’m kinda allergic. They make me sneeze uncontrollably and most of them are just assholes. You don’t own the cat, the cat owns you!”

Castiel laughed and shook his head. “They’re not all evil, and there are special hypoallergenic cats. They’re expensive, but awesome.”

Dean’s phone vibrated and he quickly got it out of his pocket. He had two messages.

From Sam: **Yes, I am feeling better. Thanks for asking, asshole! And for the record, no. I did not choose to throw up my intestines so you and your crush could have a romantic weekend!**

From unknown: **Party at the SoHo, see you boys at 10! xxx**

That second one was definitely Tim. And Dean sighed a little.

“What’s up?” Castiel asked.

“Well,” Dean said and stretched his back a little. “Sam is doing a bit better, which is nice to hear. And Tim expects us to be at some place named So-Ho at 10. He also sends his love.”

Castiel’s smile grew a little wider. “Ahw, how nice.”

Dean’s stomach twisted a little. His appetite went straight out the window. Where Dean had only eaten half his burger Castiel’s plate was already empty. He was a little impressed actually. Usually Sam was the only one to beat him at finishing their food. When it came to burgers Dean was always the champion.

“Let’s go, shall we?” Dean sighed.

“But you haven’t even finished-” Castiel muttered.

“I know! Not hungry anymore.” Dean said quickly.

Castiel shrugged and sighed as he let his eyes wander off to the window, gazing outside. “Alright. It’s still early, we could go see a bit more of the city or go back to the hotel to get some sleep. Oh! We could go the Anne Frank House!” He said and looked back at Dean.

Dean pulled a face and shook his head. “I’ve been there once before. Boring as hell, unless you’re interested in that kind of stuff. The waiting line is longer than the time you’re inside. But we could take a boat tour if you like that!”

Castiel nodded. “Of course! Yeah… If you say so. I mean… It’s your trip after all.” He said softly and finished his orange soda.

“What? No! I want you to have a good time too.”

Castiel bit his lip and looked out the window again. “You’re just saying that.” He mumbled.

Dean shook his head and leaned slightly over the table. “Cas, I’m serious. If you really think that, I am sorry. I’ve been an asshole, again, because… Well, just because I am! I’m an asshole, everyone can tell you that, including some pretty nasty stories. And I’m sorry about that.” Dean leaned back in his chair again with a sigh. Castiel still wasn’t looking at him. “That night at the stables-”

“Let’s just go back to the hotel. I wanna take a shower.” Castiel said awkwardly.

Dean fucked it up again. Royally this time. The closer he tried to get to Castiel the further he seemed to push him away. Castiel probably wanted to get back to the hotel so he could lock himself up in the bathroom, so that he didn’t have to talk to Dean all the time. Walking around Amsterdam would be too awkward for some reason.  
Dean knew they had to talk at some point, but he was too afraid that he would ruin the entire trip even more. Would it be better if he’d just let Castiel wander on his own?  
_Hell no!_ He had sworn to protect him. Amsterdam was a big city, anything bad could happen.

 

“Okay. I’ll get the check.”

The rest of that afternoon had been extremely uncomfortable for the both of them. Castiel didn’t speak and Dean had ran out of words to say as well. Until they left to go to the club Dean had been busy with his phone and Castiel had been watching TV.  
Why couldn’t he just get up, pull Castiel in his arms and _show_ him how he felt.  
Okay, things could get very awkward once Castiel would have clarified that he no longer had feelings for Dean, or never had.  
But… He did have feelings for him. He kissed Dean back that night. But he was… Scared? Was that it? Of course, Dean hadn’t been exactly nice to Castiel, but he was confused and felt rejected.

Dean looked around the room, his eyes fell on the mini bar where they had stored the champagne. He looked at Castiel, who was lazily hanging on the sofa as he gazed at the TV.  
_Why the hell not?_  
Dean jumped up from the bed, and got the champagne from the mini bar, popped the bottle and filled two glasses.

“Dean, what are you doing?”

“What does it look like?” Dean said with a smug grin. “Drink up. And for heaven’s sake, smile!” He said and pushed one of the glasses in Castiel’s hand. “I’m trying to have fun! That’s all!”

Castiel looked at the glass, his eyes saddened a little. “And I’m killing the fun, obviously. I’m sorry, Dean.”

Dean frowned and sat down on the sofa next to Castiel. “What? No! You’re down and I’m trying to cheer you up. Have fun _with you_. So drink! We’re gonna get drunk tonight anyways, why not start here?”

The corners of Castiel’s mouth curled up a little. “Really?”

Dean nodded. “Absolutely! I want us to get along with each other. Drop everything that’s happened and have a fresh start. What do you say?”

Finally the baby blues were pointed at Dean again and Castiel nodded. “Yeah, I think we can do that.” He said and raised his glass.

A lot of laughs over silly Dutch commercials and one bottle of champagne later Castiel seemed pretty relaxed and Dean finally had some hope again. Tonight they were just going out to have some fun, nothing special, everything would be totally fine!

 

“Everything is gonna be totally fine. You’re gonna be alright. Cas will be okay.” Dean whispered to himself. He was sitting on a bar stool somewhere in the corner next to the bar of this SoHo club, which obviously turned out to be a gay club. Dean was fine with that! There was plenty to see and even more to drink. Not that he really allowed himself to look at anything but Castiel. That silly guy had already scored four shots with his smile only and was courageous enough to join Tim on the dance floor.  
Dean on the other hand was still trying to find niche, the beers were helping him a lot though. After number two he could feel his quiet down a little and after number six he found himself having an extensive conversation about classic cars with one of the bar tenders.

Every time the guy had to help customers Dean would turn around to make sure Castiel was still standing. He had been doing okay. He really didn’t like the way Tim was wrapping himself around Castiel sometimes, but Castiel seemed to be more than okay with all the sensual moves and touches.

Some more drinks would probably help him to just accept it.

The music, it was too loud. Except for the beat of the base, the rest of the music had become nothing more than a continuous buzz in Dean’s head. It had been a while since he had checked on Castiel and he couldn’t quite remember how much he had drank until now.  
Where the hell was Castiel?  
Dean turned around and scanned the surging crowd on the dance floor. Castiel was nowhere to be found. Maybe he was in the bathroom. Dean didn’t feel too well and figured that emptying his bladder and some cold water in his face should help a little.  
Groggily Dean got off the bar stool and started to stagger his way through the crowd. Every single step seemed to launch his stomach from one side to the other. He tried to swallow the nausea away but without any results.

Next mission, find Cas and go back to the hotel.

Dean blinked a couple times. There was a mouth firmly pressed against his, lips moving, tongues touching. Why is he kissing? _Who_ is he kissing?! And when the fuck did he enter the bathroom?  
The mouth moved away. It was so… pink!

“What’s wrong Dean?” The mouth said. “Oh, I know that look…” The mouth laughed and started to move down.

“Who are you? I’ve gotta find Cas. Go back to the-” Dean burped. “Not feeling so good…”

“It’s okay, I am going to _rock_ your world!” How could there be just a mouth?

The nausea started to creep up higher. Moving from the back of his throat to the roof of his mouth.

“Cas? Where’s Cas?” Dean slurred and swallowed hard.

“Dean?! What the hell? _Tim!?_ ”

That was Castiel’s voice. Dean tried to look up, but his head was so heavy. Wait… There were two Castiels?

“Cas, we gotta go-”

“Keep your filthy claws off Dean!” The Castiels said angrily, pulling the big mouth away. “Dean are you okay? You look a little pale.”

“I was looking for-” Dean couldn’t finish his sentence. His stomach twisted into a knot violently and he threw up.

Two firm hands grabbed his shoulders and pulled him into one of the stalls, holding his head above the toilet bowl. Then everything went black. He was still there, he just couldn’t do anything anymore. Every now and then there was another bittersour acid wave and someone would haul him over.

“Come on, Dean. I’m getting worried. Just open your eyes, please. I know you’re there. And I’m here too, Dean. I’m with you.” Castiel’s voice sounded so far away, like a radio that was running out of battery. Farther and farther away and his body felt heavier and heavier. The ache in his stomach slowly started to fade and bitter taste started to wash away.  
It was so comfortable. He wasn’t too warm, he wasn’t too cold.

“Dean. It’s me, Castiel. Please don’t do this. You promised you’d protect me. And you’re freaking me out so please, please wake up.”

The bitter taste came back. _No!_ Not now he was getting comfortable!

There was a splash in his face and his eyes shot open. He shot up straight and Castiel caught him, gently pulling him back so he was leaning with his back against Castiel’s chest.

“Cas?” Dean wheezed as water dripped down his face.

“I’m here Dean. Drink this.” Castiel said softly and carefully put a bottle to Dean’s lips. Water, blessed water! Dean gulped the water away, washing that godawful taste of his tongue.

They were in some alley, just the two of them, and it was freezing.

“Cas, where are we?” Dean said and shivered as he turned around to look at Castiel. Everything was so blurry!

Castiel gave him a sympathetic smile. “Alley next the club. Tim started to yell you tried to sell him pills after you started to puke. And thank God you did. Although they kicked us out.” Castiel said and sniffled as tears began to form in his eyes. “You scared the crap out of me, Dean.” His voice cracked, a sob escaped his throat and Castiel pulled Dean deeper in his arms, kissing his hair as he held him close.

“I’m sorry, Cas. I think… I’m gonna puke.” Dean croaked and pulled himself from Castiel’s embrace to stagger to the nearest corner.

Castiel cursed under his breath and stood up as well, wrapping Dean’s jacket around him as he started to heave again. It was a small comfort. At least he wasn’t puking _and_ cold. He groaned and spat out the saliva that remained in his mouth.  
How did he ever get himself in this state? His memories were one big blur with some flashes.

Dean took the bottle Castiel held out to him gratefully, taking smaller sips this time.

“Feeling any better?” Castiel asked carefully.

Dean nodded slowly. “A bit. What happened anyway?”

Castiel sighed as Dean carefully took another sip. “Well, judging from your memory loss and vomiting I think someone spiked your drink. And judging from the situation in the bathroom I suspect it was Tim. I’m so sorry, Dean. I knew something was off when he left me with his friends, I should’ve taken action immediately.” Castiel bit his lip and tried to force the tears back, but without any result. “I’m terribly sorry. Let’s find a hospital to get you checked, okay?”

“No!” Dean said quickly. He already felt like he had burdened Castiel enough by breathing at this point. “I’m okay. I think I got most of it out of my system now.

“Are you sure, Dean? If you-”

Dean nodded, a little to hard. His stomach had settled just a little but he still felt like he had drank an entire liquor store. “Can we just fetch a cab back to the hotel, please?”

“I believe walking this off in the open air would be best for now. I’m afraid you’re going to be sick in a car and that’s not very pleasurable for anyone, is it?” Castiel said carefully and Dean groaned again, but he understood. “I know how roofies work, how they feel. You were on the edge of an overdose.” Castiel said and sighed. “I think it’s best if we take you to a-”

“The hotel, yes. Thank you.” Dean said hoarse.

Castiel rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Alright, but if anything bad happens I am calling an ambulance, whether you like it or not.” He said and took Dean’s arm, wrapping it around his good shoulder so Castiel could support his back and pulled Dean away from his vomit, walking as steady as he could.

“I memorized the way to the hotel, it’s not too far-”

“Cas?”

“Yes, Dean?”

“You’d better get a cab.”

Castiel was about to ask Dean why he wanted a ride back to the hotel despite of Castiel’s worries, but he didn’t get very far before the tall man with the dark blonde hair and green eyes went completely limp in his arms.

 

Dean regained consciousness just in time they arrived at the hotel. Castiel was secretly glad that he had gotten them a cab, it appeared that he hadn’t memorized _all the way_ back to the hotel, which meant that if they had kept walking, they probably would’ve lost the way.  
Castiel dragged Dean back to their room, and got him in bed and undressed just before Dean closed his eyes again. Too exhausted and intoxicated to stay awake for any longer.

This had been the first time Castiel had been grateful that he had experience with these drugs. He was glad he could use his knowledge for some good this time and take care of Dean.

Castiel was sitting on the edge of the bed, wiping Dean’s face, shoulders and chest with a cool washcloth to keep his stomach settled. Dean even seemed to smile a little when Castiel laid his hand on the side of Dean’s face, brushing his cheekbone with his thumb.

“You’ll be okay, Dean. It’s my turn to take care of you now.” Castiel whispered. He bit his lip and shook his head as he brought his hand up to stroke Dean’s hair. Why was he always too late. Of course, Dean was right here, but he could’ve died. If Castiel hadn’t pushed him away in the first place they would’ve been together all the time, looking out for each other, protecting each other. But no! Of course Castiel had to be selfish and rather be alone, because he was too scared .

“I’m so, so sorry.” Castiel whispered and pressed a featherlight kiss to Dean’s forehead. “I’m sorry I’m late, but I’m here now.” Castiel said and groaned softly that Dean couldn’t even hear him right now, the following morning he’d probably wake up with an enormous hangover and no memory of anything that happened the night before. The following morning Castiel wouldn’t have the balls to say the same words again, to finally admit to Dean that he had wanted him all along, but he was too scared to ever let him in when he had the chance.

Castiel tried to get some sleep, but with every little noise or movement from Dean he was sitting up straight in bed, checking up on him, making sure he wasn’t choking on his own vomit for example. “All those times I fantasized about you keeping me up all night I wasn’t thinking about _this_.” Castiel said softly, more to himself than to Dean, and chuckled.

Ridiculous, yes, that was the right word. It was absolutely ridiculous. That one kiss was his ticket to _some_ happiness. And he threw it away just like that.


	9. Stuffed animals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So fluffy I'm gonna die!  
> I thought you guys deserved a little break from all the drama.

Castiel.  
That was the very first thing on Dean’s mind when he woke up. The second thing was that his bladder needed to be emptied very soon. The third was that his stomach was probably going to win the race to the bathroom.  
Maybe if he stayed very still with his eyes closed, focusing on his breathing it would go away.  
Nope, he was gonna have to run for it. And was gonna have to run _now!_

In record time he whipped the sheets away, jumped out of bed and sprinted to the bathroom in his underwear.

“Hey, you’re awake.” Castiel said. Dean hadn’t even noticed he had followed him into the bathroom, and if he hadn’t been busy puking out his intestines, he would’ve made a sarcastic comment about how shitty Castiel sounded. It was like the guy had swallowed gravel or something.

While Dean continued to throw up whatever he had ingested the night before, Castiel trudged to the sink, filling a glass with water and sat on the edge of the bathtub, waiting for Dean until he was finished.

Dean groaned as he turned his face to Castiel. The poor guy didn’t look any better than he sounded. His eyes were surrounded by dark rings, his lips were a little chapped, stubble was prominent on his tired face and he was still wearing the clothes from the day before.

“Good morning to you too, Cas.” Dean said hoarse as he flushed the toilet and took the glass that Castiel was holding in front of his nose.

“Actually it’s past three in the afternoon. I suppose you don’t remember anything from last night, do you?” Castiel said, his voice was low and very hoarse. Yep, they must’ve had an exceptionally rough night.  
Dean took a swig from the water and tried to get his upstairs gear to work, trying to bring back any memory of last night. But he couldn’t conjure anything but some flashes, people dancing too close to each other, a little panic. Dean closed his eyes as his head started to throb painfully in an uneven pace and he shook his head. “Are you okay though? You look like you’ve seen some shit.” He said and stood up slowly, only now feeling how sore his limbs actually were.

Castiel chuckled. Was that a sarcastic chuckle? Dean looked at Castiel’s face again, yes, that was definitely a sarcastic chuckle.

“Oh boy,” Dean said softly. “You can tell me all about what happened, but first I’d really like to get back into bed, if you don’t mind.”

Castiel nodded. “Suit yourself. I think it’d be better for you to sit, or in this case, lie down.”

“That bad, huh?” Dean said as he walked back to the bed, carefully hoisting himself back on his side, closely followed by Castiel who climbed back in on the other side.

“You got roofied while we were at the club with Tim, we got kicked out, I got you back to the hotel and stayed up all night to make sure you wouldn’t choke on your own vomit.” Castiel said dryly.

Dean blinked slowly. He did remember the club, there was a vague memory of sitting outside and some more vomiting. And Castiel dragged him through all of it, never leaving his side. Guilt started to wash over him again

“Cas?” Dean said and slowly turned his head to the exhausted angel next to him. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

“There’s no need to be sorry, Dean. You have no idea how happy I am to have you here, safe, with me. I was so worried.” He said softly, it looked like he was hesitant about something, his eyes seemed to go over options and consequences and if only Dean hadn’t had a headache, he would’ve asked what was going on. But the pounding only got worse by the minute.

“How did you even get me back to the hotel?”

“We were very lucky, there was a cab dropping off people at the club and I was able to get you in. When we got back at the hotel you were conscious enough to walk a little, but I had to support you back into the room. I also undressed you and quickly wiped you down with a cloth. The hotel is dry cleaning your clothes as we speak. I really hope you don’t mind.” Castiel said softly as a blush slowly crept up his face.

Dean shook his head. “I am forever in your debt for taking care of me like that. I’m not kidding. Thank you, Cas.” Dean sighed. “I’m gonna take a leak, brush my teeth and after that I’m calling room service for anything edible. You in for that?”

Castiel face lit up a little at the mention of food, he nodded quickly.

“Alright, I’ll be right back. Why don’t you check out the menu, pick _anything_ you like.” And with that, Dean left for the bathroom again.

He could’ve punched himself. As soon as he locked the door he felt like hiding in the tub and never coming out again.  
Castiel had to drag his sorry ass back to the hotel, undress him, _wipe him off_ and put him in bed. That guy had kept his cool better than anyone ever had in a situation like this and also sacrificed a night, and morning, of sleep to make sure he didn’t throw up in his sleep. He nearly wept when he peed and brushed his teeth. Shame wouldn’t even come to cover what he felt as he unlocked the door and found Castiel sitting on the sofa, staring out the window at the small boats in the canal.

Dean cleared his throat to get his attention. Castiel turned his head, he still didn’t look any better or brighter and Dean could’ve sworn that it ripped a heartstring.  
“You know what you want to eat?”

“Just a grilled cheese sandwich would be fine, maybe a cup of chamomile tea. I would really like to take a nap.” Castiel said and yawned. “At least, if that’s okay.”

Another heartstring, ripped to shreds. “Cas, please. You’re breaking my heart. Of course you can take a nap! I’m not your boss! Okay, maybe a little, but right now you’re my friend. You took care of me all night long and you deserve some rest. You know what? Why don’t you take a shower while I call room service. When you get out, the food will be here and after that you can take your well deserved beauty rest. You like the sound of that?”

Castiel smiled a little and he nodded. “Thank you, Dean.”

“Don’t you dare to thank me for anything for the next couple months, you weirdo. Get your ass into the bathroom before I kick you in there!” Dean chuckled.

Castiel was more than happy to submit to that. Once in the bathroom he stripped from his day old clothes and stepped under the waterjet, letting the hot cascading water massage his sore back and shoulders.  
Dean was okay, pretty hungover, but alive. And Castiel felt like he could finally breathe again, as if he had been holding it all night. But still there was a nervous pressure resting on his shoulders and pushing down on his chest. 

Castiel knew this was bound to happen. It would rain down on him sooner or later.

How come he wasn’t allowed to be lucky for once? Why was life, or fate, or God so cruel to not let him have happiness. Huh? Why?!  
Why did he know that the moment he gave in it would all go to hell anyways? Was it a test? Was he supposed to stop giving a fuck and just jump? He wanted nothing more than to be with Dean Winchester, but what if Dean wouldn’t want to be with him?  
“Just put it out of your head, Novak. Nobody would want you. You’re misfortune itself.” Castiel murmured to himself.  
_But I deserve to be happy too, right?_

There was a small series of knocks on the door.

“Lunch is here!”

Castiel turned off the shower and wrapped himself into the biggest towel he could find. “Almost done!” Castiel shouted and quickly dried himself off. He slipped into his boxershorts and bathrobe and shot one more look into the mirror before leaving the bathroom.  
Dean was already sitting on the bed, patiently waiting for Castiel.

“Grilled cheese sandwich and chamomile tea for Mr. cowboy.” Dean said with a soft smile, handing Castiel his plate as he made himself comfortable next to Dean.

“Thank you.” Castiel said and set his teeth into the warm, cheezy goodness. “Dis mahkes meh vewy hahppy!” He said mouthful. 

“No problem. Hey eh, Cas? Let’s keep what happened last night between us, okay? I don’t want my dad _or_ Sam to know this.”

Castiel swallowed and nodded. “Of course. I totally understand. Didn’t you want to eat anything?”

Dean shook his head. “I’m okay. I had a granola bar and some painkillers while you were showering. I’m good, really.”

Castiel sighed and rolled his eyes. “Dean, you need to eat some real food. Your body is recovering and needs energy. One granola bar isn’t going to help you. Here, eat! You need it more than I do.” He said and handed Dean the other half of his grilled cheese sandwich.

Dean was about to protest, but the stern look on Castiel’s face convinced him to not go through with it and just eat the damn thing.

“So… About last night.” Dean began carefully. “What did I miss? What happened?”

Castiel took a deep breath and put his half-eaten sandwich back on the plate. “What’s the last thing you remember?”

“Uhm. We entered the club, I saw you dancing with that sickening Tim-dude. After that we were in an alley and after _that_ I woke up with a pounding head and… Stuff.”

Castiel looked around the room, as if his answers were written on the wall somewhere. He didn’t look too pleased.  
“Dean… You and Tim… You were kissing in the bathroom, he was unzipping your fly by the time I walked in, you started to vomit and you passed out. Tim told security you were trying to sell him pills so they kicked you-, I mean _us_ out. After that we were in the alley, I tried to wake you up. You kept vomiting…” Castiel’s voice started to tremble a little. “I was so scared, Dean. I thought I was gonna lose you.”

“I’m still kicking, hungover but kicking. I’m sorry, Cas.” Dean said and dropped the sandwich next to Castiel’s half on the plate. He reached his hands out to Castiel… Was he really going to do this? He was already halfway. No turning back now.  
Castiel shifted a little closer and Dean wrapped his arms around him, pulling him into his embrace. Castiel let out a shaky breath as he rested his head on Dean’s shoulder, burying his face in the crook of Dean’s neck.

This was it. Dean’s heartbeat accelerated slightly. He could definitely feel the tip of Castiel’s nose against the sensitive skin that spread over his neck.

 

Throughout his life, Dean had always been afraid of losing people he loved. Sometimes he wondered, if there would be anyone out there afraid to lose him too. Castiel had silenced that question. He _was_ scared of losing Dean.

Dean nuzzled Castiel’s damp hair, his blonde roots started to grow out already. Dean didn’t mind, he liked Castiel’s little imperfections, the tiny flaws. The bit of scruff on his chin, the way he knitted his eyebrows when he didn’t understand something, the little birthmark just above his right nipple Dean refused to admit he had spotted when he saw Castiel get out of bed the previous morning, the scar that crossed his eyebrow that Dean loathed but loved.  
He didn’t mind the scars. All the white and pink lines that told stories of pain and fear. They only made Dean want to hold him closer, and he did, closing his arms around Castiel a little tighter.

“I surrender.” Dean whispered before he was even fully aware of what he was actually saying.

Castiel frowned. “What do you mean, _surrender_?” Castiel pulled back a little to look into Dean’s eyes. “I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

“I’m saying that I’m done pretending, Cas. I don’t wanna act like I don’t have feelings for you because I still _do_. Let me show you that you can be happy, let me prove it to you! We both deserve to be happy and right now we’re both miserable.”

Castiel tilted his head a little. “I wouldn’t say I’m miserable-”

“Okay, you may not be miserable, I don’t know! But I am. Because I want more than _this_. Maybe I’m being a selfish asshole again-”

Castiel glowered a little. “Dean, if you would be so kind to let me finish.”

Dean shut his mouth abruptly. “I’m all ears.” He mumbled.

“Thank you.” Castiel said smiling. “I wouldn’t say I’m miserable. But happiness is just not made for me.”

“Cas!” Dean gasped. “Why would you say that! What did I just tell you? Give me a chance and I’ll show you! What could possibly go wrong? Or are you trying to tell me that you don’t feel attracted to me to begin with?”  
Dean immediately regretted starting this conversation again. What _if_ Castiel didn’t have feelings for him too? This was all going to end in an awkward rejection and they’d have to spend the next three days _and_ a plane flight back together.  
“You know what, Cas? Forget about it. You were very clear the first time. I’m sorry I even brought it up again. We shouldn’t be having this conversation. You’re exhausted from looking after my sorry ass all night long and I… I’ve got a _splitting_ headache.” Dean said and groaned softly as the pounding in his head got worse again, rubbing his temples in an attempt to soothe it a little.

Castiel didn’t say anything. He just stared at Dean with big, sad eyes and an open mouth, probably searching for words, but he gave up and shrugged. He shifted back to his side of the bed, slipped out of his bathrobe and crept back under the duvet. “I hope you feel better soon.” Castiel said and got comfortable on his side, his back to Dean.

“Thanks.” Dean said softly.

Dean thought to himself that a small nap probably wouldn’t be such a bad idea. He took off the sweatpants and T-shirt he had put on before he called room service and slipped under the duvet as well, turning his back to Castiel.  
He felt like he was going to cry, of course he wasn’t going to, but he could feel the heaviness on his chest slowly building. Castiel was so close and yet-  
Was Castiel shifting?  
Well duh! Who doesn’t roll over every once in a while to get more comfortable?  
But Castiel kept moving until Dean could feel the warmth of Castiel’s chest radiate against his back.

“Dean? You don’t have to say anything, just hear me out.” Castiel whispered, his hot breath colliding to Dean’s neck, causing goosebumps to spread over his arms and back.

Dean took a shaky breath and nodded, not turning around.

“Good. Here’s the thing, Dean. I tried playing the cards I’m dealt in life, and I know you believe me when I say I’ve had a pretty shitty hand so far. I’m scared. Every time I thought I had found my little piece of heaven, my little bit of happiness, it was washed down the drain and replaced by a pile of garbage. Every. Single. Time. It’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s just that I don’t trust… Life.” Castiel said quietly. “If you think you can give me that happiness without it being stolen away from me right after… Please, give it to me. Because I’m starving for it. I like you, Dean. I like you very much and I really want to get to know you because I think you’re _extremely_ attractive.” Castiel said and laid his hand on Dean’s arm.

Dean bit his lower lip, overthinking everything that Castiel just told him. “Is that it?” He said and carefully turned around, being surprised at how close Castiel’s face was to his own. “You’re scared? I can- No, I _will_ take your fear away. It may take some time, but judging on how we’ve gotten along so far, without all the airplane and gay club drama, I think we’re doing pretty good.”

Castiel smiled through the sadness that was still prominent in his eyes, but it was a beginning.

“I’m sorry I didn’t let you explain yourself.” Dean said softly. “My… Insecurity got the best of me.”

Castiel’s smile widened a little. “All is forgiven. Does this mean we’re… Boyfriends now?”

“Uhm… If you want us to be boyfriends… I guess. Do you… Uhm.” Dean nervously looked at Castiel’s face. “Cas, do you… Do you want to be my boyfriend?”

Castiel chuckled softly, nearly a giggle. His blue eyes twinkled a little and his pale cheeks flushed to a soft pink. Dean thought it was the most adorable thing he’d ever seen. “Yes.” Castiel said with a full smile, showing teeth and crinkling his eyes. No, _this_ was the most adorable thing he’d ever seen.

“Good, now go to sleep. You still look like crap and I… I probably look worse than you.” Dean said jokingly.

Castiel nodded and yawned a little as he shifted closer to Dean until he was cuddling against his chest. If Dean wasn’t still having that godawful headache he’d probably shouted out in euphoria. Instead he wrapped his arms around the fragile person that was nearly clinging onto him.

“You’ll be okay, Cas. I’m gonna make sure of that.” Dean whispered. He kissed Castiel’s hair and heaved a heavy sigh before slowly started to drift into sleep. _You’ll be okay._

 

It was almost 7:30 pm when Dean woke up. Castiel had rolled over to his back, but miraculously he had found Dean’s hand and held it close to his chest as he continued to breathe calmly, a tiny smile curving his lips just enough to see that he was probably having a nice dream.

“That’s my boyfriend.” Dean thought to himself. He was still trying to take it all in, but the burst of butterflies and that warm feeling of his heart being filled a little was enough to realize that this was real.  
The calm rising and falling of Castiel’s chest under his hand, it was real. The soft beating of Castiel’s heart under his hand, it was real.

Dean was glad that his headache was almost gone, reduced to a dull thud in the back of his skull. Another aspirin and a glass of water should be enough to kill that thing completely. And food. Goddamn, he couldn’t even remember the last time he was _this_ hungry.

Dean pulled his hand away from Castiel’s grip, careful not to wake this sleeping angel. _His_ sleeping angel, to be precise. Dean’s heart fluttered again at the realization. 

Castiel shifted and opened his eyes, a smile pushed up his cheeks the moment he looked at Dean. “Hello, Dean.”

“Hey, Cas. Did you sleep well?”

Castiel nodded and stretched out his back, stifling a yawn. “Very well, actually. What time is it?”

Dean checked the alarm clock. “Exactly 7:30 pm.”

Castiel’s smile turned into a displeased frown. “Dammit, I only wanted to sleep for an hour or two.”

“Don’t worry about it, Cas. You needed the sleep, and apparently I needed it too.” Dean said.

“No, that’s not what I mean.” Castiel said and sat up, the planes of his scarred chest showing as the duvet slid off him. “I mean that we slept through the entire day. It’s not like I’ll be here every month, I wanna make the best of the time we have here.”

Dean gulped, reminding himself that Castiel’s eyes were in his face, a couple inches _up_. “Well, we could just stay in our room, watch TV and do… I don’t know… Stuff boyfriends do.” It was out before Dean realized what he was saying. 

Castiel’s shoulders tensed up and his face went pale.

“No! Not _that_ kind of boyfriend stuff. Jeez!” Dean chuckled uncomfortably. “I meant watching TV, ordering room service and cuddle and stuff. Not- Hell no! I mean, not yet, at least.”

Castiel raised his eyebrows with a lopsided smile. “That’s… That sounds very nice, Dean. But I was trying to say that I want to go outside, see the city. Without anyone getting drugged this time. Unless you don’t feel well enough, I totally understand if you’d rather stay inside and do _boyfriend stuff_.” Castiel said, air quoting Dean’s words.

“No, I’m feeling okay. Headache is almost completely gone. I’m just starving!”

Castiel got out of bed and started to get dressed and Dean had to keep all hands on deck to not get distracted by how gorgeous Castiel was.  
“You know, if you’re feeling well enough to go out we could find a nice place to eat and go to the fun fair afterwards.” Castiel said as he pulled his pants up.

Dean frowned. “You’re telling me there’s a fair?”

Castiel nodded. “Yes, didn’t you see the posters? They were everywhere. And since it’s Saturday it stays open until midnight. And I don’t know about you, but I think it would a decent first date. Don’t you think?”

Dean nodded. “Sounds awesome. But I’m not going into anything that spins really fast. Usually I’m in for that stuff, but eh-”

“I completely understand. I bet there’s enough attractions that spin at a non-nauseating or dizzying speed.” Castiel said. There was that smile again, easing his nerves again.

It was already getting dark when they got outside. Dean didn’t like it, with the night came the bad people with worse intentions. People that could hurt Castiel.  
Okay, there was no need to get paranoid or overprotective. It was Castiel who had dragged his intoxicated ass back to the hotel without any help at all. If there was anyone who needed protection it was probably Dean. He had been stupid enough to not keep an eye on his drink.

After getting pizza they walked to the square where the fair was. It wasn’t huge, but it sure was big enough to stay entertained for at least a couple hours. But there were so many people. It would be too easy to-

“Dean? Are you okay?” Castiel asked.

“What? Yeah, of course! Just a little woozy.” Dean chuckled. “Why are you asking?”

“You look very pale.” Castiel said and bit his lip, worry was evident in his eyes. “Let’s get you some water, okay?” 

“I’ve had enough to drink, Cas. Really, I’m okay!” He said and nervously looked around as the dizziness got a little worse.

Castiel sighed. “That’s it, big boy. You, with me, now.” He said stern and grabbed Dean’s hand, dragging him to the nearest bench and sitting him down. 

He held Dean’s hand...

“You’ve been very brave, but you’re obviously not feeling well enough. Look at me, Dean.” Castiel said, lifting Dean’s chin to make him look at him. “I shouldn’t even have let you out of bed. Roofies are bad stuff, in combination with alcohol it does weird things to your body. I know, I’ve been fed that shit too not so long ago. So you stay here, I’m gonna get you some water. Focus on your breathing.”

“Cas, it’s not the-”

And just like that, Castiel disappeared into the small ocean of people, leaving him alone.

“Okay, Dean. You can do this. Cas is a tough guy, he’ll be back.” Dean whispered to himself.

Oh great, here comes the palpitations.

“Cas will be back in no time. Breathe in.... Aaaand out.” Dean closed his eyes to shut himself away from the chaos around him.  
Someone sat down next to him and Dean almost jumped out of his skin.

“Whoah, calm down! It’s me, Dean. Your boyfriend.” Castiel said smug and handed Dean a bottle of water. The way he said that word, _boyfriend_ , it was doing something to Dean. And now that Castiel was back, Dean finally felt like he could breathe evenly again. “Thanks, Cas. I could kiss you, you know that?”

Castiel shook his head with a smirk and stood up from the bench. “I don’t doubt that. Now drink that water, Dean. After you drink something we can go back to the hotel. You obviously-”

“It’s not the drugs, Cas! It’s not the hangover.” Dean said quickly.

Castiel frowned and sat back down. “What is it?”

“I don’t like big crowds in big open spaces.” Dean said softly.

“Agorafobia?”

“Yes. I’m sorry. I’m a huge pussy” Dean sighed and hid his face in his hands.

“And I just left you here, alone… I’m so sorry, Dean!” Castiel said and wrapped his arm around Dean’s shoulder. “Is that why you don’t like playing the piano in front of others?”

Dean chuckled and shook his head. “Nah, that’s just because… I don’t really know. I don’t like playing in front of Sam or my dad… Or anyone for that matter.”

_Except you…_

“Do you want to go back to the hotel?” Castiel asked. But Dean shook his head again.

“No.” He said and lifted his head, turning his face to Castiel to look into that sea of blue. “Dammit, Cas. I really love your eyes.”

Castiel blushed a little, but quickly frowned. “Wait, you don’t want to go back to the hotel? What do you wanna do then?”

Dean took a deep breath and clenched his fingers around the bottle. “I want to keep my shit together and take my boyfriend on our first date. I only need you to do one thing for me.”

“Anything.”

“Could you… Hold my hand?” Dean said shyly.

Castiel smiled and pulled his arm back from Dean’s shoulder and eased Dean’s fingers off the bottle, intertwining them with his own. He looked up at Dean with a confident smile.

“No need to worry. This is Amsterdam. This is like… the gay capital of the universe.” Castiel chuckled. “Come on. I’ve got this feeling you’re good with guns.”

Dean rolled his eyes amusedly and stood up. “Yeah… I’m gonna win you a million teddy bears.”

“Well, I want a billion teddy bears.” Castiel said smug and winked. He fucking winked!

“Dude, did you just quote Parks and Recreations?” Dean said with an impressed smile.

Castiel narrowed his eyes. “I quoted what?”

Dean shook his head and laughed. “Never mind.” He said and took a deep breath for the thousandth time in the last five minutes. “Let’s go have some fun, shall we?”

Castiel nodded and squeezed Dean’s hand. “I’m right here with you, if you feel like it’s too much you only have to tell me and we’ll be on our way back to the hotel.”

“I know, Cas. Thank you. Now let’s go before I change my mind.” Dean chuckled.

Castiel stood up and pulled Dean after him, into the crowd.

At first Dean felt like he couldn’t breathe. There were too many people in too many places. But every time he thought it was too much he looked to his side, where Castiel was holding his hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze every now and then and looking at him with a calm smile.  
Castiel made it so easy to forget they were surrounded by strange people. The mere touche of his hand calmed his mind. Just the look in his eyes drowned out the crowd and dimmed the blinding lights.

Suddenly Castiel stopped walking. “Well, I think it’s time to prove your manliness.” He said and pointed at the shooting stand. “Wanna give it a shot?”

Dean took a deep breath and looked at the stand, too many colors, so many distractions. But he could do this, it was just a game.  
“Alright!” Dean said and stepped up to the stand, not ever letting go of Castiel’s hand. “Which one do you want?” Dean asked, beckoning at all the prizes that were hanging from the ceiling.

Castiel smirked. “Depends on how good you are.” He said.

“Alright.” Dean knew exactly what he was going for, the biggest, most adorable teddy bear that was hanging in the back. But of course he couldn’t just show off without putting up a little show for Castiel.

“One round please!” Dean said and handed the guy behind the counter a couple euros. He had to let go of Castiel’s hand now… He could do this, Castiel would stay by his side. Castiel wouldn’t walk away and leave him here, he assured himself as he slowly uncurled his fingers from Castiel’s.  
As he leaned over the counter to grab the gun Castiel rested his hand on Dean’s shoulder instead, giving Dean the strength to stay calm.

Dean took his first shot, missed. Second shot was a hit. So was the third and fourth. After the fifth his round was already over, but he had gathered just enough points for the silly stuffed moose with the legs that were way too long. “That one!” He said with a smirk and handed it to Castiel.

“Ahw, Dean! It’s adorable! Thank you!” Castiel said and hugged the moose close to his chest, leaning towards Dean and kissed him on the cheek.

Dean would savour that kiss, but he wasn’t done yet. “What? That one is not for you, cowboy! The moose is for Sammy, you just hold on to it and keep it safe. I’m not done here!”

“So much for anxiety, huh?” Castiel snorted.

“Oh sweetheart.” Dean said and leaned closer to the blue eyed boy standing next to him. “You have no idea what you do to me. Just knowing you’re here, next to me, is helping me so much.”

Castiel blushed a little and nuzzled into the overly fluffy moose. 

“Two more rounds, please!”

He won that teddy bear, which was the size of one billion tiny teddy bears at least! The damn thing was half the size of Castiel, and Dean was a little worried about how they were possibly going to get the thing back to Kansas, but the pure joy on Castiel’s face when he realized Dean indeed had chosen the biggest one of all made Dean decide that the giant bear was coming with, no matter what.

“Thank you so much, Dean!” Castiel squealed and tried to hug Dean with the bear and the moose in between.

“You’re more than welcome! What are you gonna call him?”

“Don’t know yet… I kinda like the name Jimmy.”

Dean hummed. “Jimmy… I like that one too! Where to go next?”

Castiel’s smirk grew a little wider and he handed the moose back to Dean so they could hold hands again. “You’ll see.”

“Cas, please. Usually I really like surprises, but in this, uhm, situation?”

Castiel pouted and shrugged. “The ferris wheel…?”

“Oh no! No no no no no! Not happening!” Dean said.

Castiel lowered his head and let his shoulders hang. He bit his lower lip and looked up at Dean with those big, sky blue eyes of his.

“Cas, don’t give me that look.”

Castiel blinked a couple times and tilted his head a little. 

“I hate you.” Dean mumbled, and Castiel smirked. He knew he had won.

 

“Dean, open your eyes!” Castiel chuckled.

“No!” Dean said curtly, squeezing his eyes shut as tight as he could.

“Come on! The view is beautiful!”

Dean didn’t like it, he didn’t like any of it. The slow swinging of the cabs, the fact that they were going higher and higher and those bolts down there might be big, but the wheel was heavy and what if the wind would just- “Oh my God did we just stop?!”

Castiel full on _giggled_! “Dean.” he whispered. Dean could feel his warm breath against his neck. “Open your eyes. Just look at me. I’m not scary, right? Just don’t look down.”  
Castiel took Dean’s hand, loosening up his fingers to lace them up with his own.

Dean took a deep breath. Okay, Castiel. He’d do it for Castiel. Slowly he opened his eyes, first looking at the floor of the cab, slowly turning his head. He let his eyes slide over Castiel’s jeans, up his thighs and the old, army green utility jacket that used to be Sam’s until he outgrew it. And there was his face, that beautiful, perfectly sculpted face with soft pink lips, that adorable nose and the most enchanting eyes he had ever seen.

“Good.” Castiel said with a smile. “Now look around.”

Dean took another deep breath and looked around. They were only on one fourth of the way up.

“Well, now I just feel like an idio-Oh fuck!” Dean exclaimed at the wheel started to move again, clinging onto Castiel, who was having trouble breathing because he was laughing so hard.

“Calm down, Dean. We’re safe. Nothing’s gonna happen, this construction is very reliable. And for Pete’s sake, try and enjoy the view we’ve got from here. I’ll hold you tight, I won’t let go of you. That’s a promise.” Castiel said and pulled Dean deeper in his embrace to prove the statement.  
“You want me to trust you, now trust me on this one. You won’t regret this.” 

Dean could feel the cold wind and he _knew_ they were getting higher.

“Just follow my lead.” Castiel whispered. He placed both hands on either side of Dean’s face and gently guided him up.  
“I’m right here, I won’t let you go.” Castiel must’ve been really close, because Dean could feel the warmth from his face. He could smell his skin and when he finally opened his eyes, Castiel was looking back at him, only inches away.

Dean inhaled a shaky breath and darted his tongue over his lips quickly. “W-would it be okay if I k-kissed you now?” Dean muttered.

Castiel nodded and crossed his arms behind Dean’s neck as they inched closer.

“Dean.” Castiel chuckled. “You may close your eyes now.”

“Shut your face!” Dean teased and pressed his lips against Castiel’s for the second time.


	10. Adieu, Amsterdam

Dean woke up to sleepy blue eyes, a soft smile and the faint beating of Castiel’s heart against his left hand. Dean wasn’t sure if Castiel had found it overnight or if he had just taken it, but frankly he didn’t care. His hand was there and that was all that mattered.  
Slowly he stretched his fingers and let his fingertips slide over the pale skin, Castiel’s hand not leaving his.

“It’s a crime that I pushed you away like I did.” Dean whispered.

Castiel smiled softly and shook his head. “I pushed you away too, Dean. We had our reasons back then. Don’t worry about it.” He said and tightened his grip on Dean’s hand, giving him a reassuring squeeze before he brought it to his lips, kissing Dean’s knuckles.

Dean sighed and shifted closer to Castiel, pressing their bodies together, but Castiel shifted back awkwardly and blushed violently. Dean raised his eyebrows.

“What’s wrong, did I do something?” Dean asked.

Castiel shook his head and pulled the duvet over his head, hiding his face. “No, you didn’t do anything wrong.” Castiel said, his voice sounded a little muffled.

Dean carefully crept underneath the duvet, joining Castiel to face him. “Then what’s the matter?”

Castiel shook his head again and curled himself up a bit.

“Are you gonna make me guess? Is that it, you wanna play hints?” Dean joked. But Castiel didn’t take the joke very well and abruptly turned to his other side, his back to Dean.

“Cas? Hey, what’s wrong? Please talk to me?”

Castiel shook his head once again. “I’m fine, it’s just…” Castiel groaned softly and sighed. “I’ve got a little, uhm… Situation.”

“Situation? Oh wait.” Dean said, amusement was dripping from his voice. ”Cas, are you sporting a boner right now?” Dean asked, trying hard to not laugh or giggle and make the poor guy even more embarrassed. 

Castiel tensed up and Dean knew he had guessed right. This was honestly too adorable. His poor little Castiel was embarrassed because he had morning wood. Dean carefully shifted a little closer and wriggles his arm under Castiel’s wrapping it around his chest. He gingerly kissed the nape of Castiel’s neck and nuzzle against the soft hairs at the edge of his hairline.

“Would it help if I told you that I eh… That I’ve got a little situation too?”

Castiel tensed up even further. “Oh my God. Oh my God, no. Please no.” 

Wait a second, that was not Dean’s intention. He was trying to calm him down, show Castiel there is nothing to be ashamed of. Not to freak him out even more!

“Shit, Cas, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it like that! I was trying to comfort you a little, I wasn’t suggesting anything, I swear. Oh no.” Dean said quickly. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to keep his distance or comfort him with a cuddle, whilst keeping his crotch area away from him, of course. “Unless you want me to-... Never mind. I’m sorry, Cas.”

Castiel was still trembling a little, but he was visibly more relaxed. Dean pressed another kiss to Castiel’s shoulder. “I would never do anything you don’t want me to do, understand? If I ever do, feel free to… I don’t know, to kick me in the nuts, something like that. Okay?”

Castiel nodded and pressed Dean’s hand against his chest again as he heaved a sigh. “Thank you, Dean.”

What had that Malcom done to Castiel that he was so insecure and anxious? He remembered the fading bruises that Castiel had on his face on the first day. He hadn’t thought too much of it, not wanting to ask anything about it since he was too damn shy.

“I promised you that no one will ever hurt you ever again, that includes me.”

Castiel slowly turned around, a weak smile curved his lips.

Dean finally dared to smile again. “And don’t worry about boners, silly. Especially in the morning, it doesn’t _have_ to mean you’re turned on or anything. It means everything down there is working properly. It’s _natural_.”

Castiel nodded. His cheeks were still flushed and he had some trouble looking Dean in the eyes.

“Castiel.” Dean whispered and traced his fingers over the side of Castiel’s face, stopping at his chin and caressing those soft pink lips. “My precious little angel.”

There was that little smile again. “I’m no angel.” Castiel said and finally looked up at Dean. Dean just smirked. “Well, you are to me, so you’d better get used to it.” Dean said and winked. “Do you want to take the first shower?”

Castiel shook his head and turned over to lie his stomach. “Nah, I’ll take one after breakfast.”

Dean’s smirk grew a little bigger. “Alright. I’ll take a shower now. You can… Do whatever you need to do, I guess” Dean said. He leaned over Castiel to kiss his hair and then disappeared into the bathroom.

 _Do whatever you need to do._ Was he referring to- No! Castiel pressed his face into the pillow and groaned softly, his hard-on was pressing uncomfortably into the mattress.  
He could just hold his breath and wait for it to go away. But Dean wasn’t in the room. Dean was in the bathroom, probably taking off his clothes right now and stepping into the shower, hot water cascading on his freckled shoulders and trickling down his back and bowlegs. That wasn’t helping. Maybe he should just get out of bed and get dressed.  
Yes, that was the best idea, distract himself.  
Castiel started to move, but the friction of the mattress against his dick was too good. When was the last time he took care of himself?

Castiel bit his lip and closed his eyes. “Screw this.” He mumbled and turned to his side, pressing his face in Dean’s pillow, it still smelled like him. Castiel conjured the memories of last night when they came back in the room, both of them were exhausted and cold and it had felt amazing to strip from their clothes until they were standing in their underwear and tangle up with each other in bed, sharing body heat.  
Castiel had pressed himself firmly against Dean’s broad, muscular chest, losing himself in those strong arms.  
Hesitantly he let his hand slip down, into his boxershorts. His cock gave an interested twitch and Castiel wrapped his fingers around it, gently pulling back his foreskin. Pleasure hit him in a slow wave, lazily washing over him and back.

He pictured Dean, soaking wet, his freckled shoulders glistening with water drops and his hair plastered to his forehead. On his lips was the most delicate smirk, lifting the corners of his perfectly sculpted mouth. His green eyes focussed on nothing but him.

Castiel moves his hand faster, running his fingers up and down his shaft. He knows he won’t need much time. After all that time of denying himself the gratification, he is on the verge of exploding.  
He sank his teeth deeper into his lower lip to smother the moans that nearly escaped his throat.

In his mind, Dean was coming closer, licking his lips and quickly letting his eyes scan Castiel’s body. His pupils dilated and Castiel could smell the hotel soap.  
_God, he’s so close._  
He pressed his face deeper into Dean’s pillow, taking in his scent. There came the tension, building and building. His heart was beating in his throat and throbbing in his cock.  
A moan escaped his throat that sounded suspiciously much like Dean’s name.

A few more movements of his hand and Castiel couldn’t hold it back any longer. Pleasure shot through him like lightning and this time Dean’s name was audible loud and clear as Castiel orgasmed into his boxershorts. 

Castiel let all his muscles relax and took some time to catch his breath before he opened his eyes again.

Dean was standing in front of the bathroom door, a towel wrapped around his waist, his hair was sticking out in every direction and his jaw was hanging slack.

Castiel could feel the blood retreat from his face. He didn’t know what to say, was he supposed to say something? Had Dean just left the bathroom or had he been staring all along? Oh God, did he hear Cas say his name?

After a moment that seemed to last forever Dean shut his mouth, but his eyes were still focussed on Castiel. Shocked and surprised.  
Both of them were waiting for the other to start talking, to break this awful silence. Dean opened his mouth hesitantly. 

“I didn’t expect to be greeting by you like this. But I’m not complaining.” He said, a shy smile curved his lips as he nervously played with his fingers.

Castiel finally started to move, crawling out of bed with his back towards Dean. “Allow me to drown myself in the canal now!” Castiel murmured as he pulled on his jeans in record time, squirming at the cold, sticky semen in his underwear. 

Dean raised his eyebrows. “Why would you do that?”

Castiel pulled his shirt over his head. “I just creamed my boxers whilst saying your name.”

Before Castiel could slip past Dean and towards the door, Dean grabbed his arm, gently pulling him back until Dean’s mouth was nearly touching Castiel’s ear. “You looked beautiful doing it too.” Dean whispered.

Castiel froze up. Dean really just said that? He turned his head to Dean. “Do you mean it?”

“Of course I mean it, silly! You don’t have to be ashamed. You probably know what I was doing in the shower.” Dean said softly and let go off Castiel’s arm, looking at the floor. “I know that maybe it was a little early on in our relationship for me to see you like that, but I sure hope it won’t be the last time, because I think you look marvelous when you touch yourself. I mean… You always look beautiful, but seeing you- Damn.”

“So… You don’t hate me?” Castiel muttered.

Dean looked up at Castiel again. “Are you kidding me? How could I possibly hate you for that? That was hot!” Dean said. “I mean it. You’re gorgeous.” Dean lifted his hands and cupped Castiel’s blushing cheeks. “I’m sorry for not looking away, but I just couldn’t. You looked so precious, so vulnerable and actually I just wanted to lie down next to you and-” Dean stopped himself. He bit bit his lip and closed his eyes, his hands not leaving Castiel’s face.

“And what?” Castiel asked, but Dean shook his head.

“Not yet.” He said softly and opened his eyes again. “Too soon, but we’ll get there.” Dean pressed a soft kiss to Castiel’s lips and let his hands down again. “Soon enough. Now put on some shoes and get your jacket, we’re going shopping!”

“Shopping?” Castiel said with a confused frown. 

Dean walked to his pile of clothes on the other side of the room and dropped the towel on the floor, flashing his bare naked ass. “You heard me, shopping.” He said and turned around to Castiel.

_Don’t look down. Whatever you do, just don’t. Look. Down._

“Because you need some clothes, some _real_ clothes.” Dean said with a lopsided smile.

“Dean.”

“That’s my name, yes?”

“What are you doing?” Cas whispered harshly, still not taking his eyes off Dean’s upper half. 

“Oh this?” Dean said and spread his arms.

“Yes!”

“Making it up to you. Now put on your shoes and your jacket! We’re going out for breakfast.” With that Dean pulled up his underwear and pants. “Chop-chop, we won’t be staying in Amsterdam forever, time is precious.”

“You’re gonna buy me stuff?”

“Yes!”

“Why?”

Dean sighed softly and pulled his shirt over his head. “Because you need more than three pairs of jeans and four shirts. You have all your belongings in that bag and it’s still half empty!”

Castiel scrunched up his nose and looked at his bag. Dean was right, he looked like a complete hobo, but he couldn’t let Dean pay for all his stuff. His work at the ranch got paid pretty good, he could easily pay for it himself.

He was about to put on his shoes when he was suddenly aware of the cold, and currently drying, jizz in his pants. He definitely needed to change into a fresh pair of boxers before they’d leave the room.

“Dean, why the hurry? Could you please… Give me a minute. I need to change my underwear.”

Dean just looked at Castiel for a moment, not saying anything, as if he was overthinking something. “Uhm, yes. Of course. Sorry, go ahead.” Dean said.

Castiel changed his underwear in the bathroom, they had seen enough of each other for at least another couple of days and he didn’t want to force himself to go full nude just because Dean just did it. Castiel appreciated it, though. Of course, he hadn’t given himself the permission to take a good look, but the gesture was nice. Dean was trying to make things less awkward and loosen them both up a little. To a certain level it had worked… A bit.

Not much later they were standing outside, it was colder than it had been the days before. The sun that had been present most of the time had completely vanished behind a thick layer of dark clouds. They had just entered a little restaurant when the rain started to pour down on the cobblestone-covered square. Castiel had a grilled cheese sandwich with ham and tea and Dean helped himself to a hearty breakfast with eggs, bacon with toast and a latte. They didn’t talk, just enjoyed their food in silence, smiling at each other and staring out the window, looking at the rain.

Castiel was halfway through his food when he broke the silence. “Dean, you don’t have to buy me anything.”

Dean looked up and quickly swallowed a bite of toast. “What do you mean?”

“Exactly what I’m saying, you don’t have to buy stuff for me. I worked for my money, I can pay for it myself.” Castiel said and took a sip from his tea.

“That’s not the point, Cas. You’re my boyfriend now! I always had this… Dream, idea, I don’t know, about finding someone I love and treat them like royalty. I want to spoil you, Cas. Let me treat you like my little prince, please.”

That sounded awfully familiar. The hairs in Castiel’s neck went up. He didn’t like this one single bit. The last person who promised to spoil him ended up pushing him into shapes he didn’t fit in at all. Malcom decided what Castiel was wearing and how he was wearing it at all times. Sometimes he even forced him to put makeup on, because Malcom had bought it for him and it would be a waste to just let it lay around unused. 

Castiel shook his head. “I’ll buy my own clothes, but thanks for the offer.” He said curtly and aggressively took a bite out of his sandwich.

Dean raised his eyebrows. “Whoa, take it easy there, sweetheart. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you in any way. What’s going on? Is this still about earlier? Because I thought we were over it by now.”

“No, Dean, that’s not it. Don’t worry about it, I just don’t like it when people tell me what to wear.”

Dean tilted his head a little in confusion. “When did I tell you that I was the one picking out the clothes?”

“You-... You’re not gonna tell me what to wear?” Castiel asked surprised.

Dean shook his head. “Hell no! You’re the one wearing them, you’ve gotta be comfortable in your own clothes. Of course, I’ll help you to pick out something warm and protective for the ranch work. The rest, sweetheart, is all up to you! Pick something you like.”

Castiel looked at his half eaten sandwiches. Dean meant it. He wasn’t going to hold him back or tell him what to do, let alone just forcing himself on Castiel. He thought of his first night with Malcom, how that man had fucked him for a pair of boots.  
His first night with Dean as his boyfriend was different. Dean wasn’t desperately trying to get in his pants. Dean was nice and sweet and patient. Dean was giving him time, carefully pushing and pulling to explore their boundaries, but never forcing it.

Castiel nodded with a small smile. “Okay, but you’ve gotta let me buy something for you too.”

Dean smirked and took a sip from his coffee. “Save it for my birthday.”

“When is that?”

“January 24th. Jesus, I’ll be 27 by then.” Dean sighed.

“Really? Mine is February 24th. But your birthday is three months away from now!”

Dean winked. “Exactly! Gives you more time to save money and buy your boyfriend a kick ass gift for his B-day.” He said smug.

Castiel sighed, he shook his head and laughed. He really liked that word, _boyfriend_. It meant Dean belonged to him and he belonged to Dean. Yes, there were some obstacles, but they would find a way. Dean was kind and patient with him, so Castiel knew that whatever would happen, they would fix it along the way. 

“I’m going to need some time to think about that. I’ll interrogate the moose.” 

“You’re a weirdo.” Dean joked. 

“I know.”

“Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

They finished their breakfast in silence, occasionally shooting each other a funny face or playfully kicking under the table. The rain hadn’t cleared when Dean paid the bill, but it was useless to just stand awkwardly in the restaurant and wait for the rain to stop, so they just started walking until Castiel spotted the Primark.  
Castiel knew this shop, maybe even a little too well. Malcom had taken him and Samandriel there so many times.

Castiel gently tugged on Dean’s arm. “What about Primark?”

Dean looked up. “Oh hell yes! I’m warning you, you might have to leave all your old clothes behind. Maybe even get you an extra suitcase. You think you can do that?”

Castiel shrugged. “I don’t see the problem in leaving these rags behind.”

“Good.” Dean said with a big smile and dragged Castiel after him into the shop. It was one of those smiles with teeth showing and eyes twinkling with pleasure. Dean instantly turned from a simple ranch boy into a fashion stylist, tearing clothes from hangers and holding them in front of Castiel to see if they’d fit him.

“What do you think of this one?” Dean held out a white Star Wars T-shirt with C3-P0 and R2-D2.

Castiel took in a deep breath and stared at the print. “It looks kinda cool…”

Dean frowned. “ _Kinda_ cool? You don’t like Star Wars?”

Castiel shrugged. “Never watched the movies.” He lied.

“You’re kidding.” Dean said with big eyes. “I’m getting you this T-shirt and when we get home we’re gonna have a Star Wars marathon.”

“A-alright.” Castiel stuttered.

“I’m sure you’ll love it! Now go ahead and find yourself something pretty, huh? What’s your size?”

“Ahm… Pants and jeans 32, shirt large.” Castiel said and started to look around to see if there was anything he found interesting.

“I’m on it!” Dean said. “If we lose each other, this is where we’ll meet okay? Cuz this store is enormous.”

Castiel pouted. “But I wanna stay with you.”

“Then don’t lose me out of sight. You’re gonna get to know my shopaholic side, so brace yourself for a wild ride.” Dean said and winked.

It was a wild ride indeed, they left the Primark with four pair of pants, six shirts, three pair of shoes, a new coat, a shitload of socks and underwear and two hooded sweaters for Castiel. Dean had bought himself a new pair of deep red sweatpants and a black tank top. 

“So,” Dean sighed happily. “Where do you wanna go next?”

Castiel stopped walking and smiled up at Dean.

“What?” Dean asked.

Castiel stepped in front of Dean and pressed their lips together for a moment before pulling back. “Thank you for the clothes, Dean. I like them very much.”

Dean chuckled and quickly pecked Castiel’s lips. “You’re welcome. I’m glad you like them.”

Castiel’s cheeks flushed pink and he looked down shyly. Dean brought his one free hand to Castiel’s chin and make him look up again. “Damn, you’re so adorable.”

“Shut up.” Castiel muttered, trying to hide his smile. “I think it’s gonna rain again. We could go back to the hotel to drop all these bags and then see what else there is to do around here.”

“Sounds like a plan to me.” Dean quickly kissed Castiel on the cheek and took half his bags to not let him carry all the weight. “Cab?”

Castiel nodded. “Hell yes!”

 

“Come on, Cas! Get out of there already! I wanna see your gorgeous ass in those black skinny jeans!” Dean shouted. He was half sitting, half lying on the bed, lazily sipping from the bottle of lambrusco they had ordered.

Castiel rolled his eyes. He was standing in the bathroom, checking himself out in the full-length mirror. He was wearing the black skinnies and the Star Wars shirt Dean was so crazy about.

“Just a second!” He shouted back. He put on the dark blue sweater and opened the door, walking out of the bathroom and pranced over to the bed. He spun around and struck a silly pose.

“You’d better be careful. You’re gonna rip those cheeks apart if you keep smirking like that.” Castiel said with a mischievous look in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Cas. I just can’t help myself. I told you it’d look great on you!”

“And you were right, once again.” Castiel sighed happily and jumped on the bed, dropping himself next to Dean and snatching the bottle away.

“Heeey! What about the other clothes?”

“I’m your boyfriend, Dean. Not a paid model!” Castiel snapped

Dean just chuckled, the alcohol had made him tipsy enough to not notice the gravity of the situation. “Well, I kinda paid you-”

“Don’t you dare!” Castiel said angrily. “Don’t you dare to go down that road, I’ve been there once and that was more than enough!”

Dean finally took the hint, his smile faded and he lifted his eyebrows a little as Castiel took a big gulp from the lambrusco.

Dean gently lowered Castiel’s arms and took the bottle away from him, setting it down on the night stand. “Take it easy there, Cas. What are you talking about?” 

Dean was worried. Castiel didn’t look at his face, but he felt it. Big eyes staring at him. 

“I’m sorry.” He said softly. “I’ll show you the other clothes.” He wanted to get out of bed, but Dean pulled him back.

“Nuh-uh! You clearly didn’t like that. What’s going on? I just wanted to see how handsome you look in the new clothes.”

Tears started to burn in his eyes, before he could force them back they spilled over and rolled down his cheeks. Dean was so good to him. Dean didn’t buy him clothes to get something in return, he just wanted to make him happy. Showing him the clothes was the least he could do, wasn’t it?

“I’m sorry.” Castiel whispered and lowered his head, resting it on his knees as he pulled his legs to his chest.

“Oh, Cas. No need for you to be sorry. Just tell me what’s going on.” Dean said softly and pulled Castiel in his embrace. “What is making you so sad?”

Castiel didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to relive what Malcom had done to him.  
_Too late…_  
The sob he was holding back broke free and escaped his throat as a pathetic cry. 

“M-Malcom… H-he- He made me d-do things. He b-b-bought me s-stuff and- and… He wanted to f-f-fuck me in re-return.” He blubbered, falling apart in Dean’s arms. He didn’t deserve the new clothes. He didn’t deserve that ridiculously big stuffed bear Dean had won for him and he didn’t deserve Dean. Because he couldn’t give him anything in return.

“Motherfucking son of a bitch.” Dean growled and pulled Castiel closer, holding his head to his chest and rubbing his shoulder, kissing his hair. “Don’t you worry, Castiel. I’ll never ask anything more than your affection. I’ll never force you to do anything, I swear! Malcom can’t hurt you anymore. He won’t, because if he even dares to set one foot in Kansas I will shoot him in the fucking head.” Dean said and used his sleeve to dry the tears on Castiel’s face. “Look at me, Cas.” He gently pushed his chin up until he finally made contact with wet, puffy eyes. “I’ll take care of you, okay? You’re safe with me.”

Castiel sniveled and nodded slowly before ducking his head and cuddling against Dean.

“I promised you that and I’ll keep that promise.”

Castiel pulled back a little and looked up at Dean, smiling through the tears. “Thank you.” He whispered.

“No problem, cowboy.” Dean whispered back and brushed his thumb over Castiel cheekbone. Castiel closed his eyes and leaned into the touch with a soft sigh. “You’ll be okay.”

“I am okay, Dean.” Castiel murmured. “As long as you hold me like this.”

Castiel fell asleep not long after that. Dean stayed in bed all the time, holding him in his arms.

Sam texted him to say that Molly was okay, her fowl was okay and it wouldn’t be much longer before she’d go into labour. And as much Dean loved Amsterdam and his alone time with Castiel, he suddenly couldn’t wait to get back on that plane and take care of his girl. But right now he just had to relax one more day.

Apparently the hotel had a shopping service, all he had to do was add the items he wanted to an online shopping cart and the hotel would deliver the products to their room within an hour. Since Castiel was still asleep and Dean had no more intention of leaving the hotel that day he ordered a nice big trolley and a new bag for Castiel to fit his new clothes in. They would throw the old stuff away so there would be nothing left of his sad, old life. Only new things and happy memories.

The next morning they packed their stuff. Well, they tried. Dean provoked a tickle war that ended up on the bed until they were both exhausted and awkwardly turned on, so they quickly returned to stuffing their bags and Castiel’s new trolley. On their way back to the train station Dean had to stop at a candy store. He bought a bag of black licorice for himself, a big bar of nougat for Castiel and also something for Sam, but he refused to tell Castiel what it was, saying it’d “ruin the surprise”. Castiel gave up quickly. From the look on Dean’s face he could tell it was going to be something to embarrass Sam and Castiel knew he’d better stay out of the playful war they had going on.

“Okay, all swell, but how are we gonna get Jimmy on the plane?” Castiel asked while they were waiting for the train. He had noticed people staring at the enormous teddy bear that was sitting on his lap and he was getting a little nervous.  
They were sitting on a steel bench on the platform, practically glued to each other. Dean was having some trouble with the largeness of the station more than when they arrived, probably because they didn’t have to wait for the train. Let’s not forget the fact that Dean was well aware that he’d be on a plane again very soon.

“Uh… I think we’d better get the biggest plastic bag we can find and just check him in with the rest of our luggage. We can take the air out and stuff so he’s smaller.”

Castiel nodded and rested his head on Dean’s shoulder. He could hear Dean’s heartbeat through his jacket, nearly feel the pulse in his neck.

“Dean, you’ve gotta calm down. We survived the way here, I’m one hundred percent sure we will make it back in one piece.”

“I know, Cas. I wanna calm down, but you can’t argue with anxiety. It’s here and I just have to deal with it.”

Castiel smirked and tilted his head back a little. “You think this will help?” He breathed in Dean’s ear. He quickly licked his lips and pressed them against Dean’s warm neck.

Dean gasped softly and grabbed Castiel’s hand, squeezing softly. “Cas.” He whispered huskily. That noise did all kinds of crazy to Castiel’s head. He slightly parted his lips and pushed the tip of his tongue into Dean’s flushed skin.

Dean squeezed his hand harder and groaned Castiel’s name. “Cas… We’re at the train station of Amsterdam, giving me a boner and in every other situation I’d be game for this but not now.” He half hissed, half whispered.

Castiel quickly pulled his tongue back and rested his head on Dean’s shoulder again. “Sorry.” he whispered. He couldn’t help but smile a little when Dean pulled Jimmy out of his arms and put the bear on his own lap. Castiel mentally high-fived himself and grabbed Dean’s hand again.

Dean didn’t respond after that and Castiel felt a little guilty for pushing him that far.

“Dean, I’m really sorry.” Castiel said softly.

“I know you’re smirking, asshole.” Dean said. Castiel bit his lip and sat up straight to kiss Dean on the cheek. When he pulled back he was glad to see that Dean was smiling too, smirking actually. “You’re still an asshole.”

“I like you too, Dean.”

A couple hours and approximately 36 kisses later they were finally back on the plane. Castiel had the window seat, Dean next to him. The seat next to the aisle remained empty once again so the flight attendant had allowed them to let Jimmy sit next to them during the flight.  
This time there were small screens in the back of the headrests. They could watch movies, listen to music or play sudoku. But despite the distraction Dean was still on the verge of hyperventilating. His body was tense and his nerves seemed to be on fire.

“Dean, you checked your seatbelt five times already. I’m sure it’s secure and well.”

Dean nodded and pushed his fingertips into the armrests anxiously.

“You want me to do the thing again?” Castiel said smug.

Dean’s eyes grew bigger and he shook his head. “Are you crazy? We’re on an airplane, that’s even worse than Amsterdam Central!” 

“No it’s not.”

“How is it not worse?”

“We have Jimmy to block the view.” Castiel whispered.

Dean narrowed his eyes. “When did you become so naughty?”

Castiel snorted. “I didn’t.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Hey Dean?”

“Hm?”

“Thanks for everything. I had a great time with you and I hope we can spend some time together back at home as well.”

“Well duh. You’re my boyfriend, silly goose. We’re gonna spend a lot of time together, whether you like it or n- Oh my god!” Dean flinched when the plane started to move. “We’re moving.” He wheezed and grabbed Castiel’s hand in a reflex.

Castiel rolled his eyes and pulled his hand out of Dean’s deadly grip. He placed his hands on Dean’s face and turned his head, immediately crashing their lips together. Dean relaxed instantly and leaned in.  
The rest of the flight was filled with naps, lazy kisses, hand-holding and watching awful B movies.

They were both exhausted when they arrived at the airport at the crack of dawn. Sam was waiting for them at the airport to pick them up with the Impala, way too cheery for this time of day and Dean was almost annoyed by how active Sam was. At least he made himself useful by carrying some of their luggage to the car.  
He gave Dean a confused look when he stepped in the back of the car to sit with Castiel, but he let it slide. That smug son of a bitch probably already knew what was going on, judging by the size of the smirk on his face.

They slept all the way back to Lebanon, holding hands. Castiel’s head on Dean’s shoulder, Dean’s head resting on top.


	11. Molly and Casper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, my apologies it took so long. I hope the contents of this chapter will make up for it :3

Sam opened the fridge door and groaned. “Guys, I’m going into town. We need food!” He sighed.

Dean looked at Castiel across the kitchen table and grinned. “If you’re so hungry, why don’t you eat the candy I got you from Amsterdam?”

Sam turned his head. If looks could kill, Dean would’ve been stone-dead on the floor. “That’s not funny, jerk!”

“What? You don’t like chocolate anymore, bitch?” Dean said amused.

Castiel bit his lip, trying so hard to contain his laughter that he almost started to choke.

“It’s shaped like a freakin’ penis, asshole! I’m not gonna eat that! That you like chocolate penises doesn’t mean that I-”

“Who likes chocolate penises?” Jo said as she barged through the backdoor. 

Sam gulped and Dean looked at the table.

“That’s what I thought. You losers better get your ass to the stable, I think Molly is gonna pop today.” She said dryly. She didn’t really seem to care, but she had probably been through this roller coaster a million times before. 

Dean on the other hand shot up and sprinted outside, abandoning the others. Out of breath he reached Molly’s stall, finding her lazily chewing on some hay. She didn’t even lift her head when Dean opened the door and walked in.  
At least she was calm. It wasn’t her first time and Dean was sure she’d be fine, but it was always a little scary when it was about his girl, his favorite. 

Dean didn’t leave her side after that. Sam got the stretcher from the hayloft and Castiel made sure he ate and drank enough, taking his place when he had no other choice but going back inside the house to use the toilet.

Cas was sitting on the stretcher, reading a book when Dean came back.

“How is she doing?” 

Castiel shrugged. “Still didn’t turn into a unicorn. I’m quite disappointed.” Castiel said and put his book down. “You look like shit.”

“Wow! Thanks, honey. You look great too.” Dean said sarcastically. 

Castiel chuckled and shifted to the side of the stretcher, patting the empty spot next to him. “I was kidding. You just look… Stressed.”

Dean sighed as he sat down, leaning against Castiel’s shoulder.

“She’ll be okay. Sam said she’s a strong one.”

Dean nodded. “She is, but it’s always a little scary.”

“I understand. Can I do anything else for you? I’m done feeding the monsters. Happy Halloween by the way.”

“Oh God, I totally forgot! Happy Halloween Cas.” Dean picked up the thermos that was standing next to the stretcher and filled the cup-lid with hot cocoa, drinking slowly. “So, how long have you been here now?” 

Castiel pursed his eyebrows, thinking for a moment. “Two months, give or take a week or so. Longer than I expected to stay anyway.”

Dean’s eyes widened. “You want to leave?”

“What? No! Not anymore. I found something to stay for.” He looked at Dean, the fear fled from his eyes, leaving nothing but warmth and happiness. “You still didn’t answer my question. Can I help you with anything else? It’s pretty late and I think I’m gonna go back to my room to take a nap, but if I can help you, I’d be glad to fix it before I go back to the house.”

“Why go back if we’ve got a _super comfortable_ bed right here, huh? Come on, Cas. What do you say?”

Castiel sighed and looked from the crappy old camping stretcher that was barely big enough for _one_ person at Dean, his eyes big and green and puppy-like.

“Please stay?”

“Alriiiight. But let me at least get some pillows and blankets, because this is just… Uncomfortable.” Castiel stood up and threw his arms in the air to stretch his back.

“Just hurry back, okay?” Dean stood up too, pecking Castiel’s lips and handing him the book he was reading.

“I’ll be quick. But when I get back I’m gonna need something more than a little kiss like that.” He winked and turned around, leaving the stables.

Dean chuckled. What had he ever done to deserve this guy. He leaned against the door of Molly’s stable, still as calm as ever. She was a little twitchy, but it could still take quite some time before her contractions would kick in.

Castiel kept his word and was back in no-time with blankets and two pillows. “Look what I’ve got.” He handed Dean a plastic bag.

“What’s this? Cookies! You are now officially the best thing that ever happened to me.” Dean said with a grin and put a cookie in his mouth.

Castiel blushed a little and walked around Dean and started making the bed. Dean watched him as he chewed on the chocolate chip cookie. Even doing such simple things, he was gorgeous to Dean. Every angle, every pose. Even when he was softly snoring when they were sharing that big bed in the hotel in Amsterdam.  
Dean finally had gathered the courage to admit to himself that he was hopelessly in love with Castiel. With the blue eyes that carried so much hurt, he just wanted to kiss it all away. Trace every scar on his pale skin with his lips, covering them with love.

Castiel sat down on the stretcher. He pulled his dark red sweater over his head and kicked his sneakers off before he got comfortable on his side under the blankets.

“Are you just gonna stand there and stare at me or what?”

“You want me to join you?”

Castiel nodded. “Hurry up, I’m getting cold. Keep me warm!”

Dean sat down on the stretcher and carded his fingers through Castiel’s hair. His dark blonde roots definitely started to show again, he’d ask Tessa to take care of that in the morning.

Dean leaned over and kissed Castiel’s forehead. “How do you want me to keep you warm?” He whispered.

Castiel smiled and closed his eyes. “Lie with me.”

Dean took off his jacket and shoes and lay down on his side next to Castiel, facing those baby blues again. The stretcher was a bit too small and if Dean would roll over he’d fall out, so he wrapped his free arm around Castiel. “Better?”

Castiel kept his eyes closed. “No, I’m still cold.” He said softly.

“What do you want me to do?”

“Kiss me.”

“As you wish.” Dean inched closer and locked their mouths together. Castiel wriggled his arm up and gently grabbed the back of Dean’s neck. Dean moaned softly and pulled Castiel closer until their chests were pressed together.

As the night turned colder, their kisses grew warmer. More heated, needy, demanding.  
Dean pulled back, eyes clouded with desire. He shifted down a little and pressed his lips against Castiel’s neck, kissing and sucking and licking the soft, hot skin.

His breath hitched in his throat and he fisted the back of Dean’s shirt. “Dean-” He breathed. “Could you… Ah! Slow down a little?”

Dean pulled back. “Too fast?” He asked softly and played with the soft hairs on the nape of Castiel’s neck.

Castiel nodded. “I’m sorry for being so double-minded. Don’t get me wrong, everything you do to me feels so, so good! But it scares the shit out of me and I-” Castiel sighed and shook his head. “I feel so stupid now. I’m sorry.”

Dean shook his head. “No, you’re not stupid. None of this is stupid. I had to stop you too, once. This is not just about me, it’s about you too and as long as you’re not comfortable or one hundred percent into it, it’s my duty to stop.”

Just like that the mood was gone. Castiel wanted to shoot himself for stopping Dean. Dean wasn’t Malcom. That was over. Malcom wasn’t terrorizing him anymore. It was time to move on, and he was trying. Trying so damn hard.

 

~~~~~~

They were sitting in that fucked up, filthy, little Smart car again. Going back into town to get god-knows-what.

Malcom was tapping the wheel nervously. “Cassie, I need you.” He growled.

Castiel was staring out the window. “I’m right here.”

“That’s not what I mean, and you know it. Come on, Cas.” He unzipped his fly and pulled his half-hard cock out.

Castiel’s eyes widened. He didn't even want to look at that thing. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. We’re on the highway, it’s dangerous.”

“Don’t be a bitch, Cas. I’ve done this a million times before and it never went wrong. Suck it up!” Malcom gripped Castiel’s half-long, blonde hair and tugged him down.

~~~~~~

 

“I think you’d better check on Molly.” Castiel said. Not because he wanted Dean to leave, he loved the warmth and the affection, but he just couldn’t take it anymore. He needed the love just as much as he needed space and fresh air.

Dean sighed and nodded. “I guess you’re right.”

There wasn’t a lot of time for Castiel to feel bad about wanting to slow down. Only minutes later Molly was lying on her side, huffing and snorting. Dean called Sam to come for standby in case something went wrong, he arrived three minutes later and after half an hour there was a tiny, writhing foal lying in the hay. Almost completely white with some spots of brown here and there and two stark blue eyes.

“Just like his daddy.” Dean said with a big grin on his face as he pulled the amniotic membrane away.

“He’s beautiful!” Castiel said in awe.

“He really is. That one is gonna make us a lot of money, too! What are we gonna call it?” Sam said.

“Casper.” Dean said as he looked at Castiel with a content smile.

Sam raised his eyebrows and looked at Castiel and back at Dean. “Does anyone care to tell me what’s going on here? Because if it is what I think it is, you’d better be careful and be less obvious.”

“That obvious, huh?” Dean sighed.

“You just called a horse after him, Dean. Yeah, I had my suspicions, but this is… Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for you two. I actually knew from day one that something was going on between the two of you. The awkwardness, the staring and stuff like that.”

“Sam, I’m warning you! If you get any more touchy-feely, you’re the one who’s gonna check the placenta when it comes out!” Dean said dryly.

Sam held his hands up. “Alright! Sorry. But please be careful, if dad finds out-”

“He’s not gonna find out!” Dean said. 

“Okay.” Sam lowered his head. “I’m really happy for you guys, though. I mean it. Ever since you came back from Amsterdam you both look… Happy. I’m glad about that.”

“Thanks, Sam.” Castiel said.

“No problem, Cas. You’re part of the family now.” Sam said and patted Castiel’s shoulder.

 

 

John Winchester came and went, much to Dean’s frustration. Sometimes he would stay away for days without even leaving a note.   
Luckily, Castiel found out that it didn’t take much more than a little makeout session to shut Dean up and calm him down when he was ranting about it.

Castiel was hanging on the sofa, reading a book while Dean was playing the piano. They had made it their thing. Once or twice a week they’d just sit there, enjoying each other’s company.

Castiel closed the book, it was terribly written with an awful plot, and sighed.

“You okay?” Dean asked over his shoulder, his fingers not leaving the keys.

“I think I’m ready.” Castiel said, his voice determined.

Dean stopped playing and turned around. “Ready for what?”

Castiel took a deep breath and looked at Dean. “Ready to talk about it.”

“You sure?”

Castiel nodded. Dean smiled weakly and stood up and walked to the sofa, sitting down next to Castiel.

“You wanna do this here? Or… I don’t know. I’ll make some tea.” Dean said and almost stood up again, but Castiel stopped him. 

“Jesus, Dean. It’s just a talk, not a session with a psychologist!” Castiel chuckled.

“Sorry.” Dean mumbled. 

“No need to be sorry.” Castiel kissed Dean’s temple and leaned against his shoulder. “Okay, where to begin.”

“At the beginning I guess.”

“Shut up!” Castiel said and punched Dean playfully against his shoulder. “It started all with my friend Andrew. We had been friends for years and one night we had too much to drink. His mother found us both naked, in his bed. She kicked me out of the house and called my parents, when I got home my bags were already outside the door. I lived in a shit hole for weeks. I met Malcom on the internet, we hit it off immediately. He had this awesome profile picture where he was standing next a huge AT-ST.”

“So you _have_ seen Star Wars!”

“Yeah, but watching it kinda gives me a bitter taste now.”

“I’m sorry, I won’t interrupt anymore.”

Castiel took another deep breath. “Anyway, we skyped, we talked and before I knew it he flew me over to Nashville. Things were… Okay, he pampered me, a lot. But he always expected something in return, handjobs, blowjobs, sex. Things got from bad to worse until the point that he’d force himself on me. I wanted to leave, but I had nowhere to go. He always made sure I knew that my parents hated me for being a fag. At one point I wasn’t enough for him anymore. He introduced a new boy, Samandriel. Things were a bit better for a while. The three of us went on dates, he wasn’t so horribly demanding anymore. We all moved to Memphis.” Castiel started to shake a little, everything was coming back to him. All the humiliation, the pain and bruises. The blood.

Castiel didn’t dare to look at Dean’s face.

“After the move, Malcom changed. He got more demanding than ever. He started to punish us if we did something wrong or not to his liking. He locked us up in separate rooms more and more often, until he didn’t let us out anymore.” 

He couldn’t hold the tears back any longer. He felt stupid for telling this story. Tears started to stream down his face and it became harder to breathe.

Dean pulled him into his arms and kissed his hair. “Shhh. You’re safe now.”

Castiel wiped his tears away. He had started now, he’d better finish it in one go.

“We became his slaves. He’d come in whenever he wanted, fucking us until we’d bleed. I barely saw Samandriel anymore. One night…” He couldn’t tell this. He couldn’t tell Dean he was accessory to murder! He felt sick to his stomach just thinking about the blood that literally stuck to his hands.

“Cas? Cas, you have to breathe. Look at me, Castiel.” Two warm hands were pressed to his face. There was a flash of green. “Calm down. Whatever happened, it’s over now. It won’t ever happen again. Just calm down, breathe slowly. Shhh.”

“H-h-he k-killed him. He was t-too rough and he ch-cho” That was the drop, he cried out and collapsed in Dean’s arms.

“Fuck.” Dean whispered. He pulled Castiel on his lap and just let him cry. He knew there wouldn’t be a song in the world able to sooth the pain that he felt at the moment and must’ve gone through back then. “I’m so sorry, Cas. If I had known this I would’ve smashed his fucking head in when I had the chance. We’ll figure this out. That’s a promise”

They sat there until Castiel was out of tears to shed, exhausted and short of breath.

“You made it out, Cas. You escaped from that hell and ended up here, with me and Sam and Tessa. And we love you.” Dean shook his head. “I’ll make sure that that man will be ruined.”

 

At 3 am, Castiel was tossing and turning in his bed. He couldn’t get comfortable and close his eyes, let alone get some sleep. He stared at the ceiling in the dark. Something didn’t feel right, as if he was missing something and he couldn’t figure it out. Maybe he just needed to empty his bladder and get a glass of water.   
Castiel flicked the night light on and blinked against the sudden brightness, Stretching his back he threw his legs over the edge of the bed and walked down the stairs. He didn’t bother putting on sweatpants or a shirt. It was the middle of the night and everybody was fast asleep. After taking a piss and drinking some water he went back upstairs. He was about to take the stairs to the attic when his eyes fell on Dean’s room. The door was ajar, weak light was shining through the crack. Dean never closed his bedroom door completely for some reason.  
Without over thinking, he walked to the door and opened it. Dean was sleeping soundly, a comic book rested on his chest and his night light was still on.  
Castiel smiled at the look of it. He walked over to Dean’s bed and put the comic book on the desk.

_John isn’t home…_

Castiel closed the door and got in the bed next to Dean. Carefully not to wake him, he pulled up the covers and snuggled up against him after turning the light off.

He was almost comfortable when Dean moved.

“Cas, what are you doing?” Dean whispered.

“I couldn’t sleep.” He said softly. “And your door was open and the light was burning so I figured-”

“That you could just join me in bed?”

Castiel was quiet for a moment. “Do you want me to leave?”

Dean wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close. “Nope.” He kissed Castiel’s lips and combed his fingers through his hair. “I really missed having you next to me.”

“I missed you too.” Castiel sighed and pressed his forehead to Dean’s.

Dean hummed contently and kissed Castiel’s lips again. “What time is it?”

“Just a bit after 3. Why are you asking?”

Dean smirked and rolled onto his back, pulling Castiel on top, straddling him. “No particular reason.” Dean said and flicked the light back on. “So beautiful.” He placed his hands on both sides of Castiel’s face and pulled him down for a long, deep kiss.

A soft, desperate moan escaped Castiel’s throat as their mouths moved together and he grabbed Dean’s broad shoulders. Then he started roaming his hands down his muscular chest and feeling his sides. It felt like sparks were raining down on them.

Castiel moved his mouth to Dean's neck, sucking and licking the skin and Dean stifled a moan as he tilted his head to give Castiel better access.

“Cas, I-I’m warning you,” he breathed and pushed his fingertips into the soft flesh on Castiel's hips, drawing him closer until he gave in and rested his chest on top of Dean’s.   
There were too many things on his mind. Was he ready for this? Hell yes! Was Dean ready for this?

“Cas, _please_ ,” he gasped. “I _need_ you.”

There was his answer. He leaned toward Dean's ear, his lips brushing his cheekbone as he came closer. 

“What do you want me to do?” Castiel purred in his ear.

“Anything. Anything you want. I’m all yours, I belong to you now.”

Castiel pressed his lips to Dean’s neck again. He wanted to go further, but something in him cramped, blocking and locking everything. He was going down that road again. Castiel was happy. Not just having a good day. No, he felt _happiness_. He couldn’t be happy. Never. Something would come along and destroy what was making him feel good. Castiel started to go over everything and anything that could possibly go wrong. Maybe-

“Cas?”

“Yes, Dean?” Castiel said, still hovering over Dean.

“Are you okay?”

Castiel dropped his forehead to Dean’s shoulder. “I’m fine… It’s just,” he sighed and lifted his head to look at Dean. Half-lidded green eyes stared back at him. “Are you sure you want this? I mean, me?”

“Are you kidding me? Cas, you’re all I want! If you’re not ready we can just cuddle and go to sleep. No big deal. But I really, _really_ want this and I sure as hell want _you_.” Dean said softly and brought his hands to Castiel’s face, caressing his cheeks. “Do you want me too?”

Castiel nodded and Dean smiled. “I’m probably just as scared as you are, Cas. All I know is that you are my world and I want to kiss you and touch you and make you feel good. You wanna let me try?”

“Try what?”

“Make you feel good. C’mon, Cas, what do you say?”

Castiel pouted. “I don’t get it. I mean, I’m supposed to-”

“That’s the thing. You’re not _supposed_ to do anything. You don’t have to do anything, baby.” Dean pulled him closer and pressed their foreheads together. “I won’t do anything you don’t like.”

There was nothing Dean couldn’t possibly do that he didn’t like. Castiel wanted everything. He wanted to absorb all the affection, filling the dark and empty pit with love and light and give it to Dean too. His entire life had been an endless battle with Lady Fortuna and he always seemed to be on the losing side. He was sick of it. He was sick of constantly looking over his shoulder and overthinking everything he did or said.   
Castiel wanted Dean. All of Dean and nothing but Dean. Dean made him happy and he wanted to be happy.

“Let’s start with getting you comfortable, shall we?” Dean said and rolled to his side, gently letting Castiel down on the mattress. “We’ll just cuddle, and if we want to go further we’ll find out soon enough. Okay?”

Castiel nodded once again, he already wanted more. He was supposed to show his love to Dean too. He had to _step up to the plate_ and _do his job_ as Dean’s boyfriend.

Dean pulled him closer and kissed his hair. “Let is go, Cas. I can hear you thinking and you don’t have to think about anything. Just let it go. You make me happy. I just want to make you happy too.” He lowered his hand to Castiel’s hip, massaging the warm skin that was stretched over the blunt tip of his pelvis. 

Castiel tilted his head back and kissed Dean’s chin. “Thank you.”

Dean smiled and returned to kiss on Castiel’s lips, lazily moving their mouths together as he continued to caress Castiel’s side.

“You’re safe, Cas. You can let it all go now.” Dean whispered and Castiel breathed out, only then realizing he finally stopped subconsciously fighting the the tingling warmth that was rushing south.  
“That’s it. Such a good boy. So gorgeous.” Dean let his hand slide down and grabbed Castiel’s ass, digging his fingertips into the warm flesh. Castiel gasped and bucked his hips forward in a reflex, bumping his half-hard cock into Dean’s, who groaned softly in return.

“Am I turning you on?” He asked with a grin.

Castiel nodded and Dean looked surprised. “What… Really?”

“Yes! Please don’t stop now!”

“I wasn’t planning on stopping any time soon.” Dean said and pulled Castiel closer again, gently gripping his hair with his free hand as he squeezed his ass again, provoking the same reaction as before.   
Castiel moaned again as their crotches grinded together.

_Fuck Fortuna. Fuck everything!_

Castiel was on top of Dean in no-time, straddled on his lap and sucking his lower lip. Dean hissed and grinded their crotches together in one, swift move, provoking another needy moan from his mouth. They were both rock hard in mere seconds and Castiel bounced back to look at Dean. His green eyes were burning, filled with affection and lust, begging him for more.

“You’re so beautiful.” Dean whispered

Castiel blushed a little, it was still hard for him to understand that anybody would think of him as beautiful, but it was a nice thing to hear none the less, especially now he was this vulnerable, especially from Dean Winchester.

"I mean it, Cas. You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, sitting here on top of me, all turned on and hard." Dean said and teasingly brushed his fingers over the tight package in Castiel's boxers, making him shiver.

Castiel gasped and arched his back a little, leaning into Dean's touch. Dean smiled up at him. "You like it when I touch you like that?"

Castiel nodded and closed his eyes. "Please don't stop." He breathed.   
"Shhh." Dean hushed him and brushed his hand down there again, sending electricity up his spine and fireworks to his chest, making his breath hitch in his throat. "More, I need more, Dean. Please." Castiel begged him and jolted his hips forward.

“I’ll give it to you. I’ll give it all to you.” Dean purred and hooked his fingers behind the elastic waistband of Castiel’s boxershorts, tugging at it. “Wanna take this off?”

Castiel nodded and quickly got off Dean’s lap to wriggle his underwear off. “You too.” He said softly, pointing at Dean’s underpants.

Dean nodded and quickly tugged them down.

Castiel wanted to climb back on top of Dean, but he stopped him. Castiel pouted and sat back on the bed. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. I just want to look at you.” Dean said as used his fingers to trace the white line that crossed Castiel’s chest. “Lie down, baby. There’s no rush.”

Castiel didn’t want to lie down, he didn’t want to take it slow and easy. He wanted Dean, he wanted him so badly, but on the other hand he was too scared he’d fuck shit up so he just nodded and dropped himself next to Dean.   
Dean was hovering over him, he could feel the heat radiating off his skin and his rock-hard dick press against his leg.

“I’ve wanted to do this since Amsterdam.” Dean breathed and smiled.

“Do what?”

“This” Dean ducked his head and kissed the long, pale scar, starting at his shoulder, slowly making his way down across his chest, dragging his lips and tongue over the white line. Castiel shivered under the hot wetness and grasped Dean’s shoulders, dragging his fingertips over his back until he had a firm grip. He closed his eyes and let his head fall back, letting Dean have his way with him until he found his right nipple, swirling his tongue around it. Castiel bit his lip just in time to smother a moan.

“You have no idea how much I adore this little birthmark.” Dean chuckled softly as he pointed at the tiny brown dot just above his right nipple. “I think it’s cute.” He said. Before Castiel could even think of an answer, Dean had surrounded his nipple with his mouth and sucked.  
Castiel gasped for air and bucked his lips, grinding his cock against Dean’s abdomen and moaning at the delicious friction.

He could feel Dean’s smile as he brought his hand up to his other nipple and started to roll it between his fingers and this time he couldn’t contain the unholy sounds that escaped his throat.

“D-Dean… P-p-please.” Castiel pleaded.

Dean lifted his head and blew against his wet nipple, the cold sensation sending shivers everywhere.

“Please what?”

“Touch me. Fuck, please. I need you to touch me.”

Dean smirked and looked the rock-hard dick that was practically being squashed between their bodies. “Hold your horses, cowboy! I’ll get to that soon enough.”

“I want you.” Castiel panted and tilted his hips, but Dean pinned him down.

“I said, I’ll get to that soon enough.” Dean whispered and pinched Castiel’s left nipple, making him squirm. Dean looked way too pleased with himself for that and Castiel impatiently pushed his nails into Dean’s back, dragging them down and making him his.

“Okay okay okay. Calm down.” Dean chuckled and kissed Castiel’s chest again as he rolled his abs over Castiel’s cock and dry humped his own hard-on against Castiel’s leg.

“Oh my god.” Castiel wheezed as the heat spread through his abdomen and he buried his face in the crook of Dean’s neck, taking in Dean’s scent.

“You like that?” Dean breathed in his ear.

Castiel nodded quickly and started to move his hips.

“Hang on, gorgeous.” Dean said pulled himself further up Castiel’s body until their hips met in the middle. Castiel could no longer hold himself back and slid his hand in between, grabbing both their dicks and rubbing them together as Dean slowly started to move his hips with his own.

Castiel let his head roll back again as Dean licked and kissed his neck while Castiel jerked them off simultaneously. And this time he liked it, no, he _loved_ it! He really wanted this, he wasn’t forced to do anything he didn’t wanted and Dean was so good to him. Dean wasn’t selfish, he actually wanted him to feel pleasure too, something Castiel was very grateful for.

“You’re so good to me, Dean.”

“I’m only trying my best.” Dean whispered and kissed Castiel’s lips. “Because I am so, so in love with you and I don’t ever wanna stop being in love with you.” He panted. “Fuck, that feels good. Don’t stop, just like- Ah! Just like that.”

Castiel bit his lip and continued to jerk them off like that, both in one hand, softly squeezing and massaging. He could feel the tightness starting to build, the waves of pleasure started to rise. He wasn’t going to last much longer.

“I- Ah! I love you, Dean.” Castiel purred and pressed his lips against Dean’s neck, just underneath his ear.

Dean pulled his head back and raised his eyebrows. “Really?”

In any other situation, Castiel would’ve had a massive panic attack, but all he could do now was smile up at Dean with a sheepish grin and nod. “I really love you.”

Dean’s eyes softened and he sighed heavily. “God, Cas, I love you too. So fucking much. And not just because- Fuck! Not just because of this but- But because of you, you’re… Cas… You’re amazing and so fucking adorable and I think I’m gonna-” Dean panted and moaned and kissed Castiel. “You’re my first boy and you will be my only one. I don’t want anybody else, ever.” He prattled on. “I think I’m gonna- Oh God!”

“Me too, Dean. It’s okay.” Castiel moaned. “I’m not gonna last much longer. F-fuck.”

Castiel could feel the tightness reach it’s peak before pleasure hit him like a tsunami. Dean bucked his hips into his hand and pressed his forehead against Castiel’s as they both rode out their orgasms, spilling their loads over Castiel’s stomach and chest.

“I love you.” Dean breathed. 

“I love you too.” Castiel whispered.

Dean got out of bed to grab an old T-shirt and wipe Castiel off before tossing it in the corner of his room and joining his boyfriend back in bed.

“I’m really your first boy?” Castiel asked carefully. Dean nodded. “Yes, and you’re better than any girl I ever met. You’re the best I ever had, Cas. I don’t want anybody else as long as I’ve got you.”

Castiel sighed happily. “Me neither. I’ll stay with you, Dean.” He said and yawned. 

Dean chuckled softly. “We should go to sleep.” He pecked Castiel’s lips and turned off the light. “Love you.”

“Love you too.”


	12. Christmas Angel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt guilty for not updating for such a long time so I made the chapter extra long and extra smutty. xoxo

Kisses grew hotter as the weather grew colder. November slipped into December a lot faster than anybody had expected.

Castiel and Dean were cleaning out the stables, occasionally shooting each other winks and checking out each other’s asses.

“Guys, I’m going into town for some Christmas shopping. Do you need anything?” Sam shouted from the entrance.

“Yes!” Dean shouted back. “I made a list!”

“Come and give it to me!”

“I can’t!”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s in the pocket of my jeans, under my overall and my hands are covered in horse shit!”

Sam groaned and Castiel and Dean laughed.

“Don’t worry, Sam. I’ll get it for you!” Castiel yelled and winked at Dean as he unzipped his navy blue overall. “Now, where did you hide that shopping list of yours?” Castiel purred as he started to feel around Dean’s hips.

“It’s in my back pocket.”

Castiel smirked and slipped both his hands into the overall, pulling Dean closer and squeezing his ass.

“Cas, just get the list and give it to Sam.”

“Yes, Cas.” Sam said.

Castiel and Dean jerked their heads to the opening of the the stall where Sam was now standing.

“Unless our TSA officer wants to give mr. Winchester here a complete pat-down first, but in that case I will leave this instant and you will have to get your own shit.”

Dean cleared his throat and lifted an eyebrow at Castiel. “Excuse me, Novak, but would you be so kind to hand my shopping list to Sam? I'm sure we have some time for you to search me after we clean out the stables.”

Castiel snorted and rolled his eyes. “It's officer Novak to you.” He said and set his hands on his hips.

Dean smirked. “Officer Novak, it does has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?”

“Guys, for the love of-”

“Here is the list.” Castiel said smug and pushed the small piece of paper in Sam’s hands. He looked at the list and nodded with a grin.  
“Looks promising, bro.” 

“That’d be it, Sam. You know where to find my wallet, you can go now.” Dean said, not taking his eyes off Castiel.

Sam sighed and rolled his eyes, he probably already knew where this was going and he really didn’t want to witness anything of it. “I’ll… See you guys around. I guess.” He said awkwardly and started to turn around to walk away.

“No, wait!” Dean said quickly, as if he had changed his mind about something. Sam stopped and turned to Dean and Castiel again with a questioning look on his face. “Cas, will you be okay without me?”

Castiel frowned. “What do you mean?”

Dean sighed and pouted. “There’s some stuff I need to take care of and I’m one hundred percent sure that Sam will screw it up on his own.”

“Hey!” Sam said, he really didn’t like Dean treating him like a little kid. “Dude, I can follow orders! I haven’t forgotten anything related to pie in the last five years and I’m pretty damn sure I can buy your condoms.”

Dean’s eyes widened and Castiel snorted. “Really, Dean? You put condoms on your Christmas list?”

Dean quickly shook his head. “No way, José! I mean… Not that I wouldn’t! You know… Should I get condoms?”

“I’m standing _right here_ guys!” Sam groaned.

Castiel shrugged. “You could, but in our case you should definitely get lube as well.” He said with a smirk, throwing in some more to annoy Sam. He hated to admit it, but he could see why Dean liked to pick on his little brother. Sam was just too easy sometimes. 

“That’s it, I’m out of here before the horses start puking rainbows!” Sam sighed and turned on his heels.

Dean chuckled and winked at Castiel. “Good one! I see I taught you well, young Padawan.”

Castiel smiled, baring his teeth. “Well, I learned from the best.”

Dean quickly pecked his lips. “But seriously, though, will you be okay without me for a while? I’ve got some stuff to take care of. Tessa will keep you occupied when you get bored. I’ll be back before you know it.” he promised and wrapped his arms around Castiel’s waist.

Castiel sighed and leaned his forehead against Dean’s shoulder. “Alright.” He said and pulled back. “But I demand a private pat-down as soon as you come back. You can pick a location, so you have something fun to keep in mind while you’re out and about.”

Dean pretended to think for a while, then he nodded. “Can we seal the deal with a kiss?”

“A quick one, I think Sam’s leaving without you.”

“Shit!” Dean hissed and kissed Castiel’s lips. “I’ll be back, babe!”

“I know you will, now hurry up or you’ll be stuck with me here!”

“Oh, how much I would dread that!” Dean joked.

“ _Go!_ ” Castiel laughed and practically pushed Dean out of the stable.

“I love you!” Dean said quickly, and before Castiel could respond he was out of sight.

Castiel took a deep breath. Dean had told him the same three words so many times in past couple weeks, but somehow it still surprised him every single time. He found it hard to believe that the words “I love you” really came from those lips. Castiel wasn’t an easy boyfriend. After their first intimate moment, Dean couldn’t get enough of him and Castiel had to stop him so many times just because he was having a bad day with too many memories and flashbacks crossing his mind to focus on Dean enough. Castiel hated to tell Dean ‘no’, but his boyfriend had taken it like a gentleman. Always giving him the time he needed. Always making sure that he was comfortable by telling him how amazing he was, how lucky he was to have him all to himself. He told Castiel how brave he was. The nights that John was away from home and they slept together, Dean would make it his job to kiss every single scar on Castiel’s body, claiming that “Love would polish the memories away to make place for new ones.” and he was right.  
When Castiel looked in the mirror and saw that bleak stripe crossing his right eyebrow, he thought of all the kisses that Dean had placed there instead of how that scar had ever gotten there in the first place.

“I love you too.” Castiel said softly. He knew Dean couldn’t hear it, he said it for himself. It felt good to be loved and love in return, it made him feel like he mattered to this world in some way, like he had found his little place on this enormous planet and call it home. Something he never had. Whenever he was with Dean, he would be _home_.

He finished cleaning out the stables, swept the floors, cleaned the cantina and brought Molly and Casper outside. All the time there was no sign of Sam and Dean being back, so Castiel assumed that the brothers had gone out to have an early dinner together, they did that every once in awhile. They’d swing by at Ellen’s roadhouse for some fries and a burger. Since Jo was her daughter she’d slip them an extra soda or a bigger portion of fries. But they usually took Castiel with them when they did that.

“Come on, Cas. Hold yourself together, Dean wouldn’t do that!” He whispered to himself.

He was leaning against the wooden fence, watching as Casper romped around in the snow next to Molly. The foal had grown so fast and Castiel had grown to adore him.

Suddenly two arms hugged him from behind and a cold nose was pressed in his neck, followed by hot air. Castiel shrieked out in surprise and turned around to a smug looking Dean Winchester.

“Hey, sexy.” He said and wiggled his eyebrows.

“Screw you, Dean! You scared the crap out of me!” 

Dean chuckled and wrapped his arms around Castiel’s waist again, pulling him closer. “I’m sorry, it was just too easy.” He said and kissed Castiel’s lips. “So,” _kiss_ “Sorry.” _kiss_.

Castiel giggled and pushed Dean away. “What are you doing here? Got so bored of annoying Sam that you decided to switch over to me, hm?”

“Maybe… No. I’ve got a surprise for you. I mean _we_ have a surprise for you.” He said and winked.

“Is it another one of those amazing kisses? If so, I’d like it right now.”

Dean laughed. “No, I’m sorry. I mean, as you know there’s plenty more where that came from, but that’s not why I’m here. Come on, Sammy and I worked our asses off!” He grabbed Castiel’s hand and started dragging him back to the house.

“Slow down! My feet are cold!” Castiel whined.

“Then we should hurry back to the house so I can warm them up for you!” Dean scooped him up and threw him over his shoulder, holding him by his legs so he wouldn’t slide off.

“Put me down!” He roared with laughter and pounded his fists on Dean’s back. Without any results of course. Dean just laughed and slapped his ass in return.

“What if your dad is home?!”

“He’s at Bobby’s having spiked eggnog, calm your tits.”

“My tits are fine! I will do with them however I please!”

Dean laughed and opened the door to the kitchen, the smell of fresh cake and cookies wafted in his face.

“Hey, Cas!” Tessa said as Dean carried him through the kitchen.

“Hi, Tessa. Dean, where the hell are we going?”

“It’s a surprise! Now cover your eyes!”

Castiel sighed and put his hands over his eyes. “All covered!”

“Such a good boy.” Dean said and _finally_ let Castiel down on the floor with a soft grunt. 

“Permission to uncover my eyes, sir?”

Dean took his hands from behind. “Permission granted.” He said and lowered Castiel’s hands.

“Oh my God.” Castiel breathed.

The living area had been transformed in a winter wonderland. The lights were dimmed and replaced by candles, the fireplace was lit and next to the grand piano was the biggest Christmas tree that Castiel had ever seen. There were decorations everywhere. Reds and greens and golds.

“Merry Christmas!” Sam and Dean shouted in unity, both wearing Christmas hats.

“You guys! Why didn’t you tell me? I wanted to help decorating the tree!” Castiel said with a pout. Did Sam and Dean really let him work all day on his own while they were having all the fun? Really?

“Oh, Cas. I’m so sorry! I had no idea! We wanted to surprise you.” Dean said and kissed his cheek from behind.

“Don’t worry, Cas. I don't think Dean needs his balls anymore. I'm sure he'll let you hang them in th- Oof!” Sam grunted as Dean punched him.

“Shut your cake hole! There's still some decorating to do. We saved the best for you.” Dean handed him a long, rectangular box. “Open it!”

Castiel took off his gloves and handed them to Dean. He was still trying to wrap his head around the fact that they had all the fun while he was in the cold. Castiel loosened the red bow and took the lid off. It was a silver and white angel for the top of the tree. It was absolutely gorgeous, but Castiel couldn’t find the energy to smile.

“Because you're my little angel.” Dean whispered in his ear.

Castiel felt like he was gonna cry. He was so confused about the whole situation. Did they really not understand that he wanted to help with all the Christmas stuff, have a little fun with his new family?  
His last Christmas was spent locked up in a room, grieving over Samandriel’s horrible death and trying to get the dried blood away from under his nails. He didn’t know what day it was back then, he lost count, but he heard the Christmas tunes on the radio when Malcom was downstairs so it must’ve been somewhere near Christmas.

“Cas?” Dean called him softly.

He looked up at Dean through a blurry film of tears. Great! Number of days without crying was back to zero again.

“Oh no, Cas, what’s wrong?” Dean said and pulled him in his embrace, kissing his temple. Castiel tried to stay strong, but the spillways were opened and he was full on crying his eyes out again. “Shit.” Dean whispered and guided Castiel to the sofa, he took the box with the angel out of Castiel’s hand, set it down on the coffee table and ripped his hat off before he pulled Castiel into his arms again, pressing him to his chest.

“I-I worked all day, in the freezing cold. A-and… And you were in here all that time?! Having a-all t-t-the fun?!” Castiel stuttered through his sobs. “Y-you di-didn’t want me… You didn’t want m-me here with y-you?”

“What? Oh God, no! Oh sweetheart.” Dean murmured and kissed his tear-stained cheek. “No baby, I want you with me all the time, but I also wanted to surprise you and give you the best Christmas ever! This is our first Christmas together and I wanted it to be special so I thought… I thought wrong. I’m so sorry, baby!”

Sam looked at the both of them with a sad frown. “I’ll leave you two alone.” He said. Dean nodded and Sam left the living room.

So Dean didn’t take this chance to be away from him? He just-... Castiel took a deep breath. Dean’s words had calmed him down a great deal, but his chest was still heavy and the lump in his throat was still there so he cuddled closer to him, letting Dean’s warmth and kisses comfort him and stop the tears.

“And don’t worry, we’re not done yet. I’ve got some more surprises for you and I’m sure you’ll like them. Okay?” Dean said softly and pressed another kiss to Castiel’s head.

Castiel sniffled back some tears and nodded. “I’m sorry for being so stupid.”

“Hey!” Dean said curtly. “Don’t you ever say that again. You’re not stupid and there is no need for you to be sorry about anything. Now you be a good boy, you stay here and take off your coat and shoes. I will be right back! Understood?”

Castiel looked up at Dean with big, wet eyes and nodded.

“Good.” Dean said and let go of Castiel. He stood up and left the room.

With trembling hands, Castiel took off his coat and shoes and waited patiently for Dean to return. He pulled his legs up and hugged his knees. He felt so stupid. He let his fears take over his system and look what happened, nothing but drama, and for what? All he managed to accomplish was upsetting both Dean and Sam. Sometimes he wished he could just turn off all his emotions. Sure, there wouldn’t be any happiness, but at least he wouldn’t have to deal with all the sadness and fear… And anger.

“I’m back!” Dean said as he walked in with a tray in his hands. “Let’s get you comfortable, okay?” He set the tray down on the coffee table, on top of it were two glasses of milk and a box of oreo’s. Dean grabbed one of the fluffy blankets they kept behind the sofa and wrapped it around Castiel, he then proceeded to hand him a glass of milk and took the tray, setting it on his own lap after he sat down.

Castiel stared down at the glass that was trapped in between his hands. He didn’t deserve any of this. He had totally ruined his own surprise and destroyed the whole Christmas mood with his stupid… Whatever the hell it was. 

“And now, we’re going to have cookies and milk and cuddle because I love you so fucking much. After that we’re going upstairs, because I’ve got another surprise for you.” Dean said and ripped the oreo box open. He looked at Castiel and sighed. “Cas, please stop sulking.”

Castiel inhaled shakily. “I screwed up.” He said softly and put the glass of milk on the table before pulling his knees up and burritoing himself into the blanket.

“No, you di-”

“Yes, I did! You and Sam worked so hard to surprise me and I have a fucking breakdown. I’m an ungrateful piece of shit and I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve _any_ of this!” Castiel ranted angrily. He was so fucking pissed at himself. He should’ve stayed with Malcom, at least he’d get properly punished when he did something wrong. Here he just had to live with himself and his thoughts.

“Don’t you _dare_ talk like that!” Dean roared and aggressively shoved the tray back on the coffee table. His glass tumbled over, spilling milk everywhere. Castiel jumped at the sudden outburst and shuffled to the furthest corner of the sofa. had he just said that _out loud_?  
“What are you, a masochist? You wanna be punished? Huh?” Dean said angrily, making Castiel hide away in the corner of the sofa. “Answer me, Castiel. Do you want to be punished?” Dean hissed.

Tears were burning in his eyes again. He really, _really_ fucked up this time. “No.” He squeaked and hid his face in the blanket. This was the first time Dean was truly angry with him.

“Then stop punishing yourself! For the love of God, Cas, have you got any idea how much it hurts me to see you treat yourself like that? I _love_ you! And yes, I’m angry. Because you’re beating yourself up over nothing. You’re hurting yourself. You’re hurting _my boyfriend_ , and I will not tolerate anyone hurting _my boyfriend_! Do you understand?!”

Castiel looked up carefully, afraid of what he was going to see when he’d meet Dean’s eyes.

“Cas, please look at me?” Dean said softly, his voice sounded thick. Castiel finally gathered the courage to look up. Dean’s eyes were filled with concern, sadness, but most of all, love. “Stop beating yourself up, baby. We’ll figure it out, just don’t think such horrible things about yourself.” Dean said softly and scooted over to Castiel, pulling him into his strong arms. “I love you so fucking much and hearing that you’d rather be with that _monster_... It wrecks my heart.”

There was a soft knock on the doorframe of the living room. “Everything okay in here?” Tessa asked carefully. Dean turned his head and nodded. “Yeah, it’s okay. I spilled some milk, though, I’ll clean it up.”

“Don’t worry about it, sweetheart, I’ll take care of it. Why don’t you take him upstairs? Sam already set up some stuff, I think Castiel could use a little distraction. Don’t you think?” Tessa said calmly.

Dean chuckled softly and nodded. “Tessa, you’re the best! Come on, Cas, you can keep the blanket. I saved you some fun.” Dean whispered and stood up from the sofa, holding his hands out for Castiel to grab them, but he shook his head.  
“Come on, baby, don’t make me force you.” Dean said softly. “You’ll like it, you deserve something good. You worked very hard today and now we’re gonna do something fun.”

“I don’t want anymore surprises.” Castiel whispered.

“Fair enough, I’ll tell you what we’re gonna do. Sam had the amazing idea of giving you your own little Christmas tree for in your room, complete with balls, tinsel, lights, stuff like that. And we’re going to decorate it, you and me. After that we can just cuddle.” Dean leaned a little closer. “Maybe do some naughty stuff.” He whispered. 

Castiel could feel that familiar heat creep up his neck and washing over his cheeks. No, Dean was not talking him into this by bribing him with sex. “Come _on_.” Dean purred and kissed his neck, just below his ear.  
Dammit, this man had figured out one of his weak spots.  
“I’ll be so good to you, Cas.” He breathed and nibbled on his earlobe. Castiel squirmed at the sensation and pushed Dean away.

“If we set up that tree, will you stop doing… Whatever you’re trying to do?”

Dean smirked. “You mean whatever you’re usually begging me for? I don’t know, Cas, it’s up to you. Come on, baby. You don’t have to stay in this state. I know you can snap out of it. I know it’s hard, because you really like being angry with yourself, but like I said, it’s not getting you anywhere but down.”

Castiel sighed and finally decided that taking Dean’s hand and just letting him take the lead was indeed the right thing to do. Sulking away on the sofa would only make him feel worse and after the drama he had created about not being able to help with decorating the tree in the living room it’d be weird to not accept the gift of Sam and Dean. They had bought him his own little tree with decorations and everything. He still didn’t like to give in. Castiel was stubborn and he knew it, every viber inside of him told him to stay put and not leave the sofa, but then Dean leaned in and pressed those delicious lips against Castiel’s and he was lost again. Of course that cruel man pulled back way too soon, that pretty mouth curved into a mischievous grin. Dean knew he had won.  
Castiel rolled his eyes and unfolded his knees. He places his feet back on the ground and finally took Dean’s hand in his own, letting the older Winchester guide him up the stairs to his room.

There was an adorable, 3ft tall, Christmas tree placed next to the bookcase and a box with decorations on the armchair. Dean immediately rushed over and settled the box next to the tree, getting on his knees and bending over to go through the contents. Castiel sat down on the armchair and rested his chin on the backs of his hands as he leaned his elbows on his knees.

“Anything interesting?”

Dean nodded. “Absolutely. I haven’t seen most of this stuff in years!”

“How come? Do you buy new stuff every year?”

“No, we just haven’t celebrated Christmas in a while.”

“And I was thinking I was the only one.” Castiel snorted. “Why not?”

Dean sighed and shifted to his ass. “Ever since my mom died… Dad just didn’t want to celebrate it without her. Mom always loved Christmas, it was her favorite holiday. That only made it harder on my dad to keep the tradition going, it wasn’t the same without her.” Dean said and turned to Castiel, holding a tiny angel figurine. “I remember this little rascal. Used to sit on the mantelpiece, to ‘protect the Christmas spirit’.” He handed it to Castiel. “I think you could use some Christmas spirit.” He said and cocked an eyebrow. “Go ahead, take it. I’m sure she’d love you to have it.”

Castiel blinked down at the pale porcelain. “Are you sure?”

“Hell yes! Put it on your nightstand, it’ll watch over you. He’ll make sure you don’t do any naughty things without me.” Dean said and gave Castiel a big wink.

Castiel rolled his eyes and snatched the little angel from Dean’s hand. “Thank you. What made you decide to celebrate Christmas this year anyway?”

Dean shrugged. “It seemed like the right thing to do. With you here this place has gotten a little more life. And everybody will go visit family and friends. Usually it was just Sam and me, sometimes dad, but now you’re here! And we just figured it’d be nice to have a cozy Christmas again. I really missed it.” Dean said with a content smile. “Now, are you going to help me getting _your_ tree all nice and gay, or do I have to call Sammy to help me again?”

“I’ll help.” Castiel said quickly. He wanted to decorate a Christmas tree with Dean so he would do exactly that! He set the angel on one of the book shelves and got on his knees next to Dean.

They decorated the tree in gold and red, but Dean wasn’t satisfied with just the one string of lights so he took the remaining 3 strings and hung them up all over Castiel’s room. Around the windows, framing the bed and hanging from the ceiling. 

“What do you think?” Dean said and wrapped an arm around Castiel’s shoulder as they admired their work.

“It looks amazing. Thank you, Dean.” Castiel sighed and rested his head on Dean’s shoulder.

Dean smiled and kissed the top of Castiel’s head. “You’re welcome, baby. I’ve got one last surprise for you, though.”

Castiel narrowed his eyes. “Is this where the condoms come in?”

Dean laughed and shook his head. “I’m sorry, sugar, no condoms. I mean, if you want that to be the surprise I’m sure I can arrange something.” He said and winked. “But this is another surprise.” He said and pulled a santa hat from the box, putting it on his head. He then took a package out of the box and grabbed Castiel by his waist, pulling him to the armchair and onto his lap as he dropped himself onto it.  
“Are you comfortable, angel?” Dean asked with a smug grin.

Castiel raised his eyebrows and nodded. “I guess I am.”

“Good! Well, Castiel Novak, I can tell that you have been a very good boy this year, also very brave. Which is why I’ve got one present for you to open before Christmas. I know it’s against the rules, but you really need this in your life.” He said and pressed the small package in Castiel’s hands. “Merry Christmas.” He said softly and wrapped his arms around Castiel’s waist again.

Castiel stared down at the present in his hands, unsure of what to do next. He was still feeling awful, the whole tree thing with Dean had calmed him down a bit, but that awful heaviness of guilt still pressed down in his chest.

“Go ahead.” Dean said. “Open it!”

Castiel took a deep breath, was he really going to disappoint Dean another time by refusing his gift? Hell no. He dreaded it, but at last he started to peel off the wrapping paper.  
It was a phone. A brand new smartphone and it was an expensive one.  
Castiel shook his head. “Dean, I can’t-”

“Yes, you can.” Dean whispered.

“This is too much, I can’t take it! I haven’t even gotten you anything!” Castiel’s voice trembled. The guilt started to crush down on him, making it hard to breathe. “Dean, I-”

“Shhh.” Dean hushed him and hugged him tightly. “You need a phone, Cas. You really do. It’s not too much, it’s never enough for my angel, my brave little cowboy. And you don’t have to get me anything. I don’t need anything as long as I’ve got you. Just take it, say thank you, give me a kiss, or not. I don’t care. Just take it!”

Castiel bit his lip and nodded. “Okay.” He whispered. “Thank you, Dean. Thank you so much.” 

“No problem, baby.” Dean said and pecked Castiel’s lips. But Castiel quickly pressed his mouth to Dean’s again. He had to make up for it, he had to show his gratitude somehow. Without looking he put the box with the phone on the book shelf next to the angel and rushed his hands through Dean’s hair.  
Dean moaned softly and moved his hands to Castiel’s hips before pulling back from the kiss. 

“What are you doing?” 

“What does it look like?” Castiel breathed and shifted on Dean’s lap, slowly turning around, straddling himself. “I’m saying thank you.”

Dean chuckled. “I think that’s really sweet, but I’d save it for la-” Before Dean could finish his sentence, his mouth was covered and his words muffled by Castiel’s lips again. He placed his hands on Castiel’s shoulders and gently pushed him back. “Cas, I’m serious. My dad could come home.” Dean said. “Unless you’re just horny and this is your excuse to get off, because in that case I think we can work something out.”

Castiel rolled his eyes. No, he wasn’t in the mood, not really. Of course, he could jump Dean’s bones any place, any time, but he just felt the urge to-... _”Step up to the plate and do his job.”_  
Castiel sank back, nearly tumbling off Dean’s lap.

“Oh shit.” Dean said softly. “I know that face.” He took Castiel’s face between his hands. “Cas, It’s okay, really.” He whispered and pulled Castiel close to his chest. “It’s all okay now. Hey, think of all the fun we’re going to have. Don’t let the past ruin it. Don’t give it space to live in your head. You’re stronger than this, you hear me?”

Castiel nodded and rested his head on Dean’s shoulder. He could do this, think of Dean. Dean, Dean, Dean. _His_ Dean. The man he had all to himself, the man who loved him and he loved him back.

Dean had dragged him downstairs, made him put on his shoes and coat. There was one thing that would always calm him down instantly.

Molly.

They brought her and Casper back inside the stable and grabbed a couple brushes. Castiel grooming Molly and Dean grooming Casper. Well, he tried to groom him. The tiny stallion wasn’t in the mood and bucking whenever Dean would even come close with a brush.

Castiel dropped his brush after 5 minutes and leaned against Molly, running his fingers through her soft, warm winter coat and pressing his face against her fuzzy muzzle.

Dean threw his hands in the air. “That’s it! I give up!” He sighed and dropped the brush he was holding. Casper immediately plunged his head towards Molly’s udders, drinking eagerly. “Oh really? Sucking titties and _now_ you’re standing still? I can’t believe this guy.”

Castiel chuckled and let go of Molly’s head, wrapping his arms around Dean instead and burying his face in the crook of his neck. He smelled so good. The smell of cigarette smoke had disappeared completely, leaving nothing more than the scent of fresh hay, leather, motor oil and that little bit that was distinctively Dean. Sweet, soft and strong at the same time. A smell that Castiel simply wanted to wrap himself in, as he was doing right now.

“Well, well, well. Someone’s cuddly today.” Dean smiled and threw his arms around Castiel.

“That’s because you’re very huggable.” Castiel mumbled against Dean’s neck and pressed down a little kiss. “And lovable.” He turned his head and looked into those pools of mystic green. “And I’m really very cold and you’re really very warm, so I figured this would be a nice way to stay warm.”

Dean laughed. “I guess you’re right. You know what? Let’s put the brushes away, we go back inside and if the coast is clear, we can cuddle in front of the fireplace. I can also play you some Christmas songs on the piano.”

Suddenly, Castiel had an idea. He already had a present for Dean. Okay, it might’ve been cliché as fuck, but it was something, right?  
Castiel cleared his throat and stepped back from Dean, pushing his arms away.

“I’m afraid we can’t do that just yet.” Castiel said stern. “Sir.” He added quickly. His nerves started to tingle and he hoped that this was going to work out.

Dean frowned. “What? What do you m-”

“Would you be so kind to dispose of those brushes and follow me to the tack room, please?”

“Cas, seriously. What the-”

“It’s officer Novak to you.” Castiel interrupted him.

At first Dean looked confused, but then there was a little sparkle in his eyes and Castiel knew that Dean understood what he was trying to do.

“Would you be so kind?” Castiel said formally and gestured at the brushes that were laying around in the hay.

Dean grinned at him, baring his teeth. “Of course, officer. With all do respect, _officer_ , but what are you planning on doing with me, sir?” He purred as he squatted down to pick up the brushes.

“I will have to search you to make sure you’re not smuggling in any illegal weapons or drugs, sir.”

Castiel grabbed Dean’s hand and dragged him out of the stall, closed the door behind them and dragged his boyfriend to the tack room. He slammed the door behind them and pushed Dean up against the wooden ladder that lead to the hayloft.  
Dean smiled and grabbed Castiel’s collar, pulling their faces together and aggressively locking their lips. They exchanged wet, open-mouthed kisses for some time, just rubbing their denim clad crotches together like horny teens, until Castiel pulled back. His lips swollen from the rough kissing, slightly parted as he panted to catch his breath.

“Merry Christmas, Dean.” He breathed and sank to his knees, two lust-filled, green eyes never leaving his.  
Dean seemed to be too overwhelmed by what was going on, all he did was stare as Castiel wrestled to unbuckle his belt and unzip his pants. Before Dean could say knife, Castiel had pulled his jeans and boxers down to his leather boots and his half hard dick wrapped in his surprisingly warm hand. It only took a couple wet kisses to his shaft and a few strokes before Dean was already painfully hard.

Dean bit his lip and leaned his head back against the ladder. He had fantasized about getting a blowjob from Castiel, and now it was about to happen for real. Before he could look down, Castiel was already licking his way up the shaft while he cupped his balls, playing and fondling it in his hands.  
Dean moaned softly and looked down to see Castiel looking back up at him through his lashes as he closed his lips around Dean’s glans. He gasped, but didn’t look away from those burning blue eyes. There was a naughty twinkle and Dean could feel the strained tip of Castiel’s tongue dip into his slit and circling the tip. He reached his hands out and gently gripped Castiel’s hair, just to feel him close, but Castiel apparently took this as a hint and swallowed him down.  
It was too late to smother the noise that was forcing its way out of Dean’s throat and he moaned loudly.

“Fuck, Cas. I love you so much. So fucking much, you have no idea.” Dean panted and combed his fingers through the dark brown hair, caressing his boyfriend as he sucked him off. Castiel’s cheeks flushed and hollowed as he bobbed his head with great determination. He’d bribe Sam to take him to Smith Center the next day so he could get Dean a real present, something that would last, something more than a memory.

“Cas, baby?”

Castiel pulled back and wiped his mouth with his sleeve. “Yes, Dean?” He answered with a lazy smile.

“Can I-... I mean. Can _we_ -” Dean sighed and shook his head. “Never mind, it’s a stupid idea.”

Castiel lifted his eyebrows. “What idea? Am I doing something wrong?”

“No!” Dean said quickly and caressed Castiel’s cheeks. “No, it’s just. I’d _really_ like to try and… You know?”

A smirk tugged at the corners of Castiel’s mouth. Wobbly, he got back on his feet and took Dean’s cock in his hand again, stroking him slowly. “Do you want to fuck me? Is that it?” Castiel purred and pressed his open mouth against Dean’s neck.  
Dean shuddered at the touch and rocked his hips into Castiel’s hand.  
“It’s okay, you can tell me.” Castiel whispered. “Do you want to be inside of me?”

Dean nodded and rested his forehead on Castiel’s shoulder. “Please, Cas? Let me make you feel good too?”

Something fluttered in Castiel’s chest. Dean didn’t have to ask for his permission, he had practically given it to him the second he dragged him into the tack room, but he _did_ ask for permission. Words he hadn’t heard in a very long time and it made him happy.

“I wouldn’t have anybody else.” Castiel whispered and dragged his teeth over Dean’s collarbone before nibbling on the red skin. “You want me here? In the tack room?”

Dean shook his head. “I always dreamt of doing it on the hayloft.” He said softly, as if somebody could be listening in from the other side of the door.

Castiel smiled. “Me too. Do you want me to run back to the house and get condoms and lube? I got some in my room.”

Dean shook his head again. “No need, I stashed some upstairs.” He said and winked. “And we have some super soft horse cloths, I already smuggled those up there as well.”

Castiel chucked, still jerking off Dean. “You sly bastard! You had this all planned out, didn’t you? How long have you had all that stuff anyway?”

“Since we got back from Amsterdam.” He said softly and moaned softly as Castiel tightened his grip. “I’m warning you, Cas. If you keep going like that I won’t be able to-” He was interrupted with another hot kiss.

“I know, but I just love it when you make those sounds.” He said with a grin and squatted again, but this time to pulls Dean’s pants up again.

Dean rolled his eyes and bit his lip. “You sure about this, Cas? I don’t want to force you or anything.” Castiel nodded. “I know, which is why I want it. I want you, and I want you to have me. I’ve never been so sure about anything before in my life. So please, just get that sexy ass of yours up there before I make you.”

Dean sighed. “I love you.” He said before turning around and climbing up the ladder.

“I love you too.” Castiel said and followed him quickly.  
The hayloft was on top of the tack room and overlooking the arena. There were some hay bales stacked up so once they were lying down, nobody would be able to see what they were doing.

Dean was already making a nice bed out of hay and horse cloths. There were two electric camping lights giving off some pale light, it wasn’t much, but it was enough to get comfortable and still see each other.

Castiel inhaled shakily, suddenly a bit nervous for what was about to happen. It was an excited kind of nervous, though. The kind that made his heart skip a beat and gave him the sensation of butterflies in his stomach.  
Dean turned his head to Castiel with a soft smile, he was nervous too. “Why don’t you lie down and test the bed, hm? I’m gonna find the secret stash.” 

Castiel nodded and got comfortable on the hay bed, shifting nervously. Was he supposed to get undressed already?

“Bingo!” Dean cheered and turned around from the corner with a pack of condoms and lube in his hands. He had hidden them in a bucket, stuffed away in the corner of the hayloft and covered with hay. He walked to the ‘bed’ and lie down next to Castiel, he dropped the supplies in the hay next to them and crawled on top of Castiel, capturing his parted lips with his own as he leaned on his elbows. Castiel gasped softly when he felt their crotches grind together through their pants.

He was ready for this, he trusted Dean with every fiber in his body, he would be patient and gentle.

“I love you, Dean. So much.”

“I love you too, Cas.” Dean whispered and stared at him in the pale light. “You’re so beautiful.”

Castiel blushed and bit his lip. “Should I, uhm, get undressed?” Dean nodded. “Yeah, good idea. Let’s get those clothes out of the way.” He said and rolled off of Castiel so they could both get rid of their clothing.  
It was all very awkward and incredibly adorable at the same time, nervously taking off their shirts while smiling at each other nervously, but too excited to stop.  
Dean kicked off his boots and shuffled out of his jeans and boxers before bending over Castiel to help him out of his pants too, and there they were, butt naked, lying on hay and horse cloths, their edges and curves perfectly outlined by the white light.

Castiel shivered and pulled Dean closer. “I forgot it’s still winter.” He said and chuckled uncomfortably. Dean nodded and cuddled closer to him, pressing their skin together to share their body heat. “Good thing I’ve got some extra blankets. Stay here.” Dean said and got up, walking to another corner and coming back with some fleece blankets, covering the both of them as he lie down next to Castiel again. “Better?”  
Castiel nodded and pulled Dean on top of him again, he needed him closer, he needed to feel all of him.

“Are you nervous?” Castiel asked carefully.

Dean nodded. “I don’t think I’ve ever been this nervous and turned on at the same time.” He whispered. “But it’s not very difficult to be turned on with such a gorgeous creature in my arms, blushing and panting.” He reached for the lube and disappeared under the blanket between Castiel’s legs

“Dean? What are you- Ah!” Something warm and wet had enveloped his semi erected cock. Castiel lifted the blanket to see what Dean was doing down there. Of course he had Castiel’s dick in his mouth. The feeling itself was already heavenly, but seeing Dean licking and sucking him off as well, it was pure rapture.  
Castiel moaned loudly and gripped Dean’s shoulders. He could feel the heat bubbling up already, swirling in the pit of his stomach and traveling up his spine to explode in his chest. His mouth went dry and it was hard to keep his eyes open so he just leaned his head back and relaxed. It was Dean down there, doing his best to make him feel like this. Castiel moved his hands to Dean’s hair, it really was his hair, Dean’s head between his hands. It was Dean’s moan vibrating against his shaft and making him squirm and shiver. It was Dean’s name that was softly rolling over his tongue and leaving his lips in soft moans, everytime his glans rubbed against the roof of Dean’s mouth and the slick slide of his tongue.

Dean pulled his head back, leaving one soft kiss on his shaft before he crawled up again and flipped the bottle of lube open. He pressed a loving kiss to Castiel’s lips. “I’ll be as gentle as I can, that’s a promise.”  
Castiel nodded. “I trust you.”

Dean smiled weakly and squeezed a bit of lube on the tips of his fingers. He tossed the bottle aside and brought his hand down, softly tracing his fingers through Castiel’s crack until he found the dip of his tight hole. “Relax, baby. It’s gonna be okay.” Dean whispered and kissed Castiel’s temple before he carefully pushed his index inside.

Castiel opened his eyes. He needed to be sure that this was Dean, he needed to see two green eyes staring back at him, lovingly. He didn’t do this for a pair of fucking boots, but for Dean, for himself, for the sake of love. This wasn’t about gaining anything, but showing how much they loved each other.

Dean added a second finger. Castiel closed his eyes again and moved with the in and out motions of Dean’s hand, slowly fucking down on his fingers.  
“You like that, Cas?” 

Castiel nodded. “It feels so good.” He panted and wrapped his arms around Dean as if he was his lifeline, holding him close and taking in his scent. 

_This is Dean, nobody else. Just Dean, his Dean._

Dean started to scissor his fingers and carefully stretch him up. It was something Castiel hadn’t felt in a long time. Malcom never wanted to wait until he was ready…

_Dean. It’s Dean._

“You think you’re ready?” Dean asked softly.

Castiel nodded. Knowing Dean, this wasn’t going to hurt like it used to.

Dean took a deep breath, ripped a condom out of the foil and rolled it over his cock. “You’re gonna have to help me, though. I have no idea what I’m doing and I-” He sighed. “I don’t wanna hurt you.”

Castiel smiled softly and caressed Dean’s cheek. “I’ll guide you through it. I’m nervous too, we do this together.” _Dean, not Malcom._

He picked up the lube and squeezed a generous amount of it in the palm of his hand. He slicked up Dean’s cock and spread his legs even further. He ignore the fact that his heart was nearly jumping out of his chest and beating in his throat, he guided Dean’s cock to his entrance and pressed the blunt tip against it.

_Relax. Breathe in… And out… That’s it, you can do this. Look up at him, it’s the man you love._

Castiel looked up into Dean’s eyes, they were wide open and his pupils blown. He hadn’t realized that this really was the first time Dean did this. Castiel had been through this a million times but it didn’t make any difference, because this was new to him too, to have someone doing this with him who loved him.  
He let go of Dean’s cock and wiped the remaining lube off at the blanket before setting both hands on Dean’s hips. “Are you ready?” He asked quietly. 

Dean nodded. “I love you.”

“I love you too. Keep looking at me, I’ll guide you.” Castiel whispered. Dean nodded again and looked into Castiel’s eyes as his hands pulled his hips closer. He could feel the tip of Dean’s cock starting to enter him, but he wasn’t afraid. He wasn’t nervous anymore, because he was in control for once and it felt good. “It’s okay, Dean. It doesn’t hurt, just do it.”

Castiel groaned as Dean pushed past his tight ring of muscles, he closed his eyes dug his fingernails into the flesh on his bones, making Dean hiss softly.

“Jesus, Cas. That feels good!” Dean breathed and pressed his forehead against Castiel’s, staring deeper into his eyes.

_Dean. Dean’s scent. Dean’s eyes. Dean’s touch._

Castiel was speechless, he wanted to something, anything at all, but he couldn’t think of anything. “Talk to me, Dean.” He said and moved his hips, taking in more of Dean, filling himself up with that pleasant heat. After a while Dean finally picked up the rhythm and started to move with him and the tension started to build.  
“What do you want me to… Ah… To say?” Dean panted and moaned.

“Anything, tell me what you wanna do with me.” Castiel whispered.

Dean smiled and rolled his hips, flicking upwards and hitting Castiel’s hotspot in one swift move. Castiel cried out in delight and arched his back.

“Well, I want to do that again so I can hear that pretty voice of yours.” He chuckled and pulled back almost completely before sliding back in again, provoking another cry from Castiel’s mouth. This time it was muffled by Dean’s lips as he swallowed every sound with his kisses. 

“Fuck, Cas. You feel so good. I love you so fucking much.” Dean panted.

Castiel brought his hands up and laced his fingers together around Dean’s neck. “More, Dean. I need more.”

“I’ll give you more, baby. I’ll give you more.” Dean pulled out and shifted to his knees, he shuffled closer to Castiel’s ass and his hips onto his lap before he sank back into him. Castiel squeezed his eyes shut and bit his lip, trying to suppress the sounds that were now nearly echoing through the dressage arena.

“Fuck. Just like that, don’t stop. Oh God, Dean, don’t stop!” Castiel moaned. “Please!”

Dean smirked and kept pumping into the hot tightness, trying to find Castiel’s prostate again while he wrapped his hand around Castiel’s leaking dick to stroke him lightly.

There was something new about this, a new kind of excitement. Castiel had never felt this warmth before, this kind of security and safety. As long as he was with Dean, the past didn’t matter anymore. All he could see was a future, so bright and happy, without loneliness or cold, because Dean was there. Dean was his new life.

“Cas.” Dean sounded desperate. “I can’t hold it back, it’s too good. I-I’m gonna come.” He panted and gritted his teeth.

“It’s okay, Dean. Just don’t stop until you’re done, please.” Castiel moaned and tilted his hips a bit more. Dean instantly slammed into his sweet spot over and over. Castiel cried out. “Yes! Like that, don’t stop… Ah! Oh my _God_!”

Dean gripped Castiel’s cock more tightly, stroking him harder hoping that he could make them orgasm at the same time. In vain.  
The unholy noises that were coming for Castiel’s throat were too much and simply rammed him over the edge. He kept bucking his himself into Castiel. Judging from the sounds he was apparently still hitting his prostate over and over. He was almost completely spent when Castiel ejaculated in between them, shooting his load over his own stomach and chest with a pathetic cry that sounded very much like Dean’s name. 

Dean pulled back and collapsed next to Castiel with a groan. “I don’t know about you, but that was the best, no, the most _epic_ sex I have ever had. In my _life_!” He sighed and pulled the blanket over their shoulders

Castiel nodded. “I don’t know where you learned all that, and frankly I don’t care. Do you have something I can clean myself up with?”

“Just a second.” Dean reached for his jeans and fished out a small pack of kleenex. “There you go.”

After Castiel cleaned himself up and Dean got rid of the waste they cuddled up close to each other. “Thank you, Dean.”

Dean looked down at the head that was resting on his chest. “Uh… You’re welcome? For what exactly?”

“For everything.” Dean could feel the warm air of Castiel’s sigh collide with his chest. “For being so patient and gentle with me. I really need that.”

Dean was about to tell Castiel that it was okay, that it was only naturally to handle someone you love like that, but the noise of the big stable door caught his attention. He tapped Castiel’s shoulder and pressed a finger to his lips. Castiel nodded and quickly handed Dean his clothes before dressing himself.

“Dean! Where the hell are you, boy?” It was his dad. Dean quickly pulled his pants up and threw his shirt over his head. He gestured for Castiel to keep his head down.

“Dean?!” John Winchester roared again. The horses were getting nervous, he obviously had too much eggnog at Bobby’s.

“I’m here, dad!” Dean shouted. Only moments later the gate to the dressage arena was screeching as it opened and John stumbled into it. “Up here!”

John looked up at the hayloft. “For Christ’s sake, Dean, what are you doing up there?!”

“Reading some comics. What’s going on?”

“Why the fuck would you do it up there?!”

“So drunk people won’t bother me in my room, but apparently I’m not safe enough. Now would you please tell me what’s the matter?”

“Where’s Castiel?”

Panic rose in his chest, what the hell was he going to say?

“I’m here, mr. Winchester!” Castiel called out and stood next to Dean. “We were just reading comic books, sir.”

“That’d better not be my vintage magazines, boys! Those things are worth a fortune.” John roared.

“No sir, just DC.” Castiel answered with a grin.

“We don’t have your ancient Playboys, dad. Why the hell are you here anyways?”

John was quiet for a moment, Dean wasn’t sure if his old man was searching for words or about to throw up. “Dad?”

“I’m going back to Cali.” The older man mumbled.

“What? Why?! We were gonna celebrate Christmas together! Why leave now?” Dean asked. Was his father bailing again? Just when he had everybody together as a family? Of course, John would never approve of Dean and Castiel being together, but what he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt, right? They could have a nice Christmas, even if it was just a small one.

“I don’t want your fucking Christmas, I nearly set that tree on fire when I entered the house. You know it makes me sick, be glad I’m letting you keep it all. I’m leaving tomorrow morning so you boys don’t have to put up with grumpy old me, okay?”

And just like that, John Winchester left the arena.

“Are you fucking serious?!” Dean yelled after him, but John had made up his mind already and Dean’s dream of having a cozy family orientated Christmas was blown to smithereens.

“Dean?” Castiel said softly.

Dean jerked his head to look at Castiel. “What?!” He snapped.

“We can still celebrate Christmas, you know? I think it’s best to respect his wishes, it’s obviously very hard on him and maybe he just needs a break.”

“That asshole takes _breaks_ all the time!”

“I know, I know. Please don’t be angry, Dean. You’re scaring me a little.”

Dean swallowed and relaxed a bit. “I’m sorry, angel.” He wrapped his arms around Castiel and pulled him closer. “You’re right, we can still celebrate Christmas. I’m gonna make sure it’ll be the best damn Christmas you ever had in your life. Promise.”

 

John was gone before breakfast, he hadn’t given his boys the chance to say goodbye. It was his style, he didn’t like goodbyes and for a good reason. But it still pissed Dean off a great deal. All he ever wanted was a family, one that was complete. He could never get his mother back, but Castiel made him feel more complete than he had ever felt.

Dean was poking at his french toast with his fork at the breakfast table. The corners of his mouth stayed down until he saw Castiel walking through the kitchen door, all dressed up and crisp. He sniffed up the air and smiled. “Something smells good!”

“I thought you were still in bed?” Dean said with a surprised look on his face.

Castiel shook his head. “No, I was up early so I had a granola bar and fed the monsters already so I could check up on Casper. Where’s Sam?”

“Probably in the shower, taking care of his morning wood.” Dean said and snorted.

Castiel chuckled and rolled his eyes before fixating them on Dean’s plate. “Did you make that?”

“Mhmm.” Dean hummed and pressed his fork into a bite-sized piece. “Who else could’ve made this delicious breakfast? You want a bite?”

Castiel licked his lips slowly. “I don’t think one bite will be enough to indulge my appetite, Dean.”

Dean swallowed hard and ignored the growing bulge in his pants, silently cursing Castiel. After last night everything that could be taking sexually had him pitching a tent.  
“I’ll make you a batch if you stop being such a tease.”

Castiel pursed his eyebrows. “Am I making you uncomfortable? I just want some french toast, that’s all.”

Dean shook his head and shifted on the wooden chair. “Uncomfortable? Don’t be ridiculous!”

“So I’m not unintentionally turning you on?”

“Not at all.” Dean lied.

“Good!” Castiel said and hung up his coat on the peg next to the kitchen door. “Because I couldn’t have taken care of it anyway.”

“Yes, you can.” Dean said softly.

Castiel chuckled and shook his head as he sat down across of Dean. “I don’t think so. I just heard the bathroom door, your brother could enter the kitchen any second now.”

“What about when Sam leaves the kitchen again?”

“Sorry, Dean. He’s taking me to Smith Center today.”

“The entire day?!” Dean exclaimed just as Sam entered the kitchen.

“Hey, Dean. Can you keep an eye on Jo, Ash and Nick today?”

“You’re kidnapping my boyfriend? Really?!” Dean said with a disappointed frown.

“Actually he asked me to _kidnap_ him. So don’t look at me like that.” Sam chuckled. “Cas, we’re having breakfast on the road, let’s go.”

Castiel nodded and jumped up from the chair. 

“Cas, don’t leave me alone!” Dean said as he sulked away at the kitchen table.

Castiel sighed and bent over to kiss Dean’s lips. “Sorry, Dean. I’ve got some stuff to take care of. I’ve got my new phone with me, so you can call me, text me. We’ll be back before dinner. Is there anything you need?”

“You.” Dean mumbled and angrily stuffed a piece of toast in his mouth.

Castiel chuckled. “We’ll be back. Don’t worry. There’s plenty to do. We can go for a ride when I come back.” He got his coat back on and gave Dean one last kiss. “I love you.”

And that was it, Dean was left all alone in the big house once again. It made him feel uncomfortable. After only 10 minutes he got his phone out and started texting.

**I love you too** _send_


	13. Hey Jude

“What is he saying?” Sam asked when he saw Castiel staring down at his phone.

“That he loves me.” Castiel sighed and stuffed his phone back in his pocket. They were sitting in the pickup truck on their way to Smith Center. Castiel leaned against the door and sighed again as he watched the snowy landscape fly by.  
He liked being away from the ranch for a while, he didn’t mind the change of scenery, but it had barely been five minutes and he already missed Dean to a rate that his heart started to ache.

“Ahw, don’t worry, man. We’ll be back before you know it! I already know what Dean likes, so it shouldn’t take too long for us to find something and go home again.” Sam patted Castiel’s shoulder before putting his hand back on the wheel. “Besides, it’s healthy for a couple to spend some time away from each other every once in awhile and I’m happy to hang out with my friend without having my brother drooling over him all the time.” He chuckled.

Castiel looked up at Sam. “I guess you’re right.” He sat back and forced his shoulders to relax. “So… Where are we headed for breakfast?”

“I know a nice coffee shop where they serve some very good food as well. I think you’ll like it.”

Castiel shrugged. “Sounds good to me.”

“That’s the spirit! Let’s have a nice day out as friends. I haven’t done this in ages!”

Castiel raised his eyebrows. “But you were gone the whole day with Dean yesterday!” He argued.

“He’s my brother, it’s different. We always do everything together. I love him, and we always have fun, but it’s nice to chill out with you for a change. I don’t really have friends besides you and Dean.”

Castiel looked at his hand as he tapped his fingers on his knee. It must’ve been rough for Sam. Before he had come to the ranch it had been just Sam and Dean, and when Castiel and Dean got together, they didn’t really think of anyone but each other, leaving Sam to himself.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Castiel looked at Sam again, who answered him with a smile.

 

“That’s okay. I’m a bit of an introvert anyways. Always have been. It doesn’t bother me as much as it should. I guess.” Sam shrugged, he really didn’t seem to mind it at all.

“Well, I really like you and I really like being your friend. I think we should hang out some more”

Sam’s smile widened. “I’d really like that. Thank you, Cas.”

Sam parked the car a couple blocks away from Awesome Blossom, an adorable little business on the main street that functioned as a coffee shop and flower shop in one. They had coffee and bagels and they went shopping after that.

Smith Center was small, too small to Castiel’s liking. The atmosphere was good. All the shops were decorated with Christmas lights, pine branches and baubles and Christmas carols were softly played from the speakers that were mounted to every other lamppost.  
The town may have been five times the size of Lebanon, but there weren’t that many more shops.  
Sam had bought Dean a new keyboard and mouse for his computer. Apparently that smartass had already done some online shopping and this was just a little extra for his big brother.  
Castiel on the other hand had seen plenty of things, but nothing was good enough for his man. He needed something special, something unique. It frustrated him that he couldn’t find it.

After three more hours of searching shops, Castiel had had it. He was annoyed about the fact that he couldn’t find the perfect present and he missed Dean.

“That’s it!” Castiel exclaimed as they walked out the very last shop in all of Smith Center. “I give up!” He sighed in defeat. “Can we just go home now? I’ll just give him a blowjob for Christmas.”

Sam pulled a disgusted face and stuck out his tongue. “That’s gross.” He snickered. “Come on, Cas, not just yet! There are still some shops in Lebanon, maybe they have something there for him. Who knows?”

“Yeah, but what if they don’t?” Castiel groaned and dragged the palms of his hands down his face out of frustration.

“We can’t be sure if we don’t try, right? I know there’s a pawn shop. I’m sure they’ll have some old comics and collectors items, stuff like that. Dean’s a geek, he loves that shit. Don’t give up yet, there’s still hope. Let’s go back to the car.”

Castiel didn’t want to go into Lebanon. He wanted to go home, to Dean. He missed those spry comments and quick wit, his strong arms that would suddenly hug him from behind followed by a wet kiss in the back of his neck. Although, he also wanted to come home with an awesome wrapped present to put under the tree for his boyfriend.  
Dean would have to wait.

The drive back to Lebanon seemed to take forever and once they arrived at the first shop, Castiel’s temper was getting worse with every passing minute. Until he found it. It was unique, it was awesome and not even that expensive.  
Sam gave Castiel an approving nod when he saw what he had found for Dean.

“He is going to love this, I guarantee it!”

They found some additional items to fit with the original gift, got it all wrapped and raced back to the ranch. Sam promised he’d make sure the presents would get under the tree and told Castiel to go and find Dean, they’d go out for dinner at Ellen’s roadhouse after that.

Assuming Dean would be with Ash, Castiel made his way to the garage. Ash was there, but there was no trace of Dean.

“Hey, Ash, have you seen Dean anywhere?”

Ash looked up and wiped the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand. “Nah, man. But I think he’s at the house. Probably in his room. He was freaking out, but he wouldn’t tell us what was wrong. You’d better go check on him, man. He was pretty damn upset about somethin’.”

“Oh crap.” Castiel muttered. “Thanks, Ash!”

Castiel sprinted back to the house and burst through the kitchen door.

“I’m sorry, Dean! Really, I am! But he’s okay, he’s safe. No need to keep on ranting!” Sam said stern.

Castiel stopped in the doorway. Dean’s back was facing Castiel as he was looking at Sam. From the look on Sam’s face he could tell Dean was giving him hell about something.  
When Sam noticed him standing in the doorway, his eyes softened. “He’s right there, Dean. Stop worrying. It’s no good for anybody and annoying as hell!”

Dean spun around. The anger in his eyes faded quickly and he basically jumped Castiel, hugging him tight.

“Jesus, Cas. I was worried as fuck! Why’d you turn off your phone? I couldn’t reach you and my dumbass brother forgot to take his.” He said and squeezed the living daylight out of Castiel as if he had just been raised from the dead.

Castiel knew he was supposed to feel good about this. He knew very well that Dean’s arms usually made him happy and calmed him down, but right now it made him feel tight to his chest. As if he was trapped and Castiel wanted out. He began to struggle against Dean’s grip. Castiel didn’t want to, but he had no choice. He had to get away.

“Dean… Please,” Castiel whimpered as a sudden wave of panic hit him. “Let go of me. Please, I wanna go.”

Dean’s arms suddenly felt like chains. Wrapped around him tightly, scraping over his skin, the sharp edges cutting into his flesh. This felt bad, very, _very_ bad. It made him want to run. Castiel struggled harder, but Dean kept his arms tight around him. It was getting harder to breathe.

“I said. Let. Me. GO!” Castiel shouted and shoved Dean off him followed by a hard punch in the gut. Castiel stumbled back Dean crashed to his knees, bending over as he hugged his stomach and coughed violently. That one really must’ve hurt, because Dean wasn’t making any attempts to get up yet.

_Oh no…_

Sam just stood there, staring at Castiel, agape and eyes wide. Castiel shot a quick look down at Dean. He was still on his knees, gasping for air.

_I hurt him. I hurt Dean._

Castiel wanted to pull him back to his feet, kiss the pain away, say he was sorry, that he didn’t meant to hurt him like that. He had hurt _Dean_ for fuck’s sake! _His_ Dean. The one he loved from the bottom of his heart and the pit of his soul. The Dean he loved more than life. Why had he done that?! Why the fuck would he ever hurt Dean?! Why was he running? He was not supposed to run away! He thought he heard Sam shout his name. Castiel should stop and go back, but he was already on his way upstairs. No! Go back! That’s Dean!

Before he knew it, Castiel had slammed his bedroom door shut and hid under the covers on his bed. His “safe place”. He was still wearing his coat and shoes.

Castiel buried his face in his pillow, trying to think of what went wrong, but all he could recall was blind panic. He didn’t even know why. It didn’t make any sense at all!  
He waited, for what seemed an eternity, to calm down and regain control over his breathing. Castiel wanted to go back downstairs, but he was too afraid. What if Dean didn’t want him anymore? All Dean had done was embrace him. A simple fucking hug and Castiel had freaked out.

He nearly shrieked when somebody knocked on the door.

“Cas?” Dean’s voice sounded faintly from the other side of the door. “Can I come in?”

Castiel wanted to speak up. He wanted to open his mouth and say something, anything, really, but he couldn’t. His lips seemed to be super-glued together and he couldn’t bring out a single word.

“C’mon, Cas, don’t be like this. Please. I don’t want to invade your personal space. I just want you to know that I’m not angry with you and I’m sorry. I didn’t notice you were panicking and I should’ve let you go when you told me to. I just-” There was a sigh and a dull thud. “I missed you so much. First dad took off again and then you left with Sam and I freaked out when I couldn’t reach you. I’m so sorry.”

Castiel lifted his head from the pillow. His eyes fell on Jimmy, the oversized teddy bear that Dean had won for him on the fun fair in Amsterdam. The big stuffed animal seemed to be staring back at him angrily, as if he was trying to tell Castiel to man the fuck up and let Dean in already.  
He groaned softly and sat up as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed.  
Dean hadn’t said another word, but Castiel didn’t hear footsteps going downstairs so Dean must’ve been there when Castiel opened the bedroom door. He was about to close the door and curl up in bed again.

“Hey, Cas.” Dean said softly.

He looked down to find Dean sitting on the floor, his back leaning against the wall next to the door. Castiel sighed and closed his eyes. He wanted to slam the door again and hide under the bed, no matter how judgemental that stupid bear was looking at him.

“Hey.”

Castiel opened his eyes again.

“Are you okay?” Dean asked softly. He wasn’t angry. He didn’t hate him. No, Dean was as calm as he could be and he looked _worried_. It made Castiel want to scream and jump off the roof. He was the one who hurt Dean and now _Dean_ was the one who was worried about _him_!  
And the worst thing of all was that Castiel wasn’t okay. He felt fucking awful and he was convinced that he didn’t deserve Dean.

Castiel shook his head. “You shouldn’t be sorry. You shouldn’t be worried about me. I am the one who hurt you. Be angry with me for just this once, for God’s sake! I screw everything up even when there’s nothing to screw up. I’m so sorry!”

Dean smiled and chuckled softly. He fucking _chuckled_ and got back on his feet as if nothing ever happened!

“You didn’t hurt me, you dumb snot.”

“You were on your knees on the floor, don’t give me bullshit!”

Dean sighed as he stood in front of Castiel, unsure if he should hug him or not. “I got kicked in the ribs by horses multiple times, Cas. I will recover from a hit like that. By the way, you hit like a girl.” He said with a grin. “There, I insulted you. Now that we’re even, can I please hug you without being molested now?”

Castiel crossed his arms over his chest and bit his lip. He wanted Dean to hug him. Hell, he wanted to kiss him and bend him over the bed and fuck him raw because he just loved him so much, but he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t even deserve to be near Dean because… Just because he didn’t. He wasn’t worthy of Dean’s attention. He must’ve settled for him because there weren’t any gay guys or hot girls in Lebanon. Right?

“Cas?”

Dean was now holding out his arms, ready to throw them around Castiel and pull him into a hug.

“Leave me alone.” Castiel muttered. He walked back into his room and face-planted himself on the bed again. He didn’t even bother to close the door, secretly hoping that Dean would follow him. Maybe to prove that he really wanted to be with Castiel.

It was quiet for a while. No more words, but the door was closed and there were some soft footsteps headed in his direction. Castiel could feel the bed sink in a little near his feet as Dean sat down.

“I think that today has been a perfect example of the fact that I’m not capable of leaving you alone. Besides, tonight is Christmas eve. The first one in many years for Sam and me. Our first Christmas together. So, no, I’m not leaving you alone. Sam sent Ash home and he’s finishing up dinner. That motherfucker is probably hanging mistletoe all over the place.” Dean sighed and rested his hand on Castiel’s leg. “And unless you’re planning on going outside, you’d better take off your shoes and coat. You’re messing up your bed like this.”

Castiel still didn’t say a word, let alone making an attempt to remove his shoes and coat.

“Really? You’re gonna be like that now? Angry with the world and yourself?” Dean sighed. “I know just the cure for that.” Dean purred and started to crawl over the bed until he was behind Castiel.

“I missed you.” Dean whispered and pressed a soft kiss to the nape of Castiel’s neck. “Why don’t you take off your coat?”

Castiel shrugged.

“It must be getting pretty warm underneath.” Dean said softly and shoved his hands underneath the coat and shirt, pressing them against the smooth skin on Castiel’s back. They felt a bit chilly and Castiel shivered lightly. He didn’t like it. Well, he did, but he was still too angry to allow himself to enjoy it.  
“I think you’re adorable when you’re angry.” Dean said and let one of his hands slide down and over Castiel’s hip. He pulled the shirt further up and traced his fingers over the skin just above the edge of Castiel’s waistband. “And I think it was kinda...I don’t know, hot, that you stood up for yourself like that.”

Castiel jerked his head around with a frown. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?!” He snapped.

Dean just snickered at him. “It means that I’m glad there’s some spice in that sexy ass of yours. Means that you’ve got it in you. That was an awesome punch, gotta give you that. Means I don’t have to be so protective because you can defend yourself.” He smirked. “You don’t _really_ hit like a girl.” Dean muttered.

Castiel’s eyes softened and the angry frown turned into a weak smile. “Really?”

Dean nodded. “Mhmm. And I really am sorry.”

Castiel shook his head. “Don’t be! I’m the one who hurt you.”

“Yeah, and pretty bad. I think you bruised my rib, but I deserved it. I’ll survive.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“I know.”

“And I love you.”

“I love you too.” Dean said and pulled Castiel a little closer.

“What did I ever do to deserve you?”

Dean shrugged. “I guess it was time for Karma to pay her debt. We both had a pretty rough patch in life, Cas. Some pretty dark chapters and now we deserve a break. We deserve to be happy. So let’s be happy with each other.”

“But I-”

“Shh!” Dean hissed and lifted his head. “Did you hear that?”

“Dean, that’s not fu-”

“No, seriously. I think I heard something.” Dean said and sat up.

Suddenly the entire house was filled with a high pitched beeping noise that hurt their eardrums. Dean didn’t hesitate a moment. He pulled Castiel out of the bed and practically flew downstairs, dragging Castiel behind him. “SAM!”  
There was thick, dark smoke coming out of the kitchen.

“Cas, get your ass outside _right now_! GO!” Dean yelled and pushed Castiel towards the front door.  
“SAMMY!”

That was the last thing Castiel heard before he ran outside, into the snow, secretly glad he hadn’t taken off his shoes and coat. What was he supposed to do now? Just wait? Was Sam okay? Was _Dean_ okay? He couldn’t just stand there and do nothing, could he? Maybe he should call 911?

“Fuck it.” Castiel hissed. He ran back inside and pulled the fire extinguisher from the cupboard under the stairs, then he sprinted into the kitchen and just blasted it at the source of the smoke. Which happened to be the oven.  
The fire was put out in seconds.

“Dammit, Cas! I told you to go outside!” Dean growled loudly, but he was still barely audible over the loud beeping of the smoke alarm.

“I just saved your asses _and_ the kitchen! You’re welcome!” Castiel grunted and put the extinguisher down. “Can you please turn that thing off?!”

Dean jumped on top of the kitchen table and switched the alarm off to kill the horrible sound before jumping down again. “But you could’ve hurt yourself, Cas. You could’ve-”

“Is Sam okay?”

Dean sighed and nodded. “Lightly burned his hands when he tried to get the flaming lasagna out, he’s cooling them in the snow right now.” He said softly.

Castiel pouted. “Oh no, but I love your lasagna!” He said softly to lighten the mood a little as he waved the smoke away from his face.

Dean turned on the hood over the stove and shrugged. “It wasn’t à la Betsy this time, not that special. I guess we’ll have to order pizza. And looks like we’re gonna need a new oven, too. Dad’s gonna be so proud.” He snorted and looked at the oven. White foam was covering the blackened inside.

“Your dad should be glad that his sons are both alive and that his house didn’t burn down.” Castiel said stern.

Dean looked at the floor. “I guess you’re right. Would you look after Sammy while I fetch us a Christmas dinner?”

The sound of Sam clearing his throat caught their attention. He was standing in the doorway, holding a snowball in his hands. “I can take care of myself. Cas can go with you. I’ll be fine. Besides, I know how spooked you are, Dean. You need Castiel more than I do. So Cas,” Sam turned his face to Castiel. “Take care of my brother, I’ll be fine. I’ll get this cleaned up. I suggest we have dinner in the living room.”

Dean bit his lip. “Alright, but the second you need help you call me and I’m coming back, you understand?”

Sam chuckled and rolled his eyes. “Yes, just go already!”

Dean grumbled something under his breath and got put on his shoes and jacket. “Let’s go, angel.”

The ride to the pizzeria was quiet and a little awkward. Dean kept trying to say something, but every time he opened his mouth the words wouldn’t come out, so they spent the whole trip to the pizzeria in uncomfortable silence.  
Not that Castiel didn’t want to talk. He’d give anything to find the words to make it right, but would it make a difference? No. He had punched Dean. There were no words to make up for what he had done.

When they were back in the car with a pepperoni, hawaii and four cheese, Dean finally broke the silence.

“Cas, can we just get over this? We both did something stupid, but I don’t love you any less-”

“I don’t deserve you!” The words escaped Castiel’s lips before he even knew it.

Dean snorted sarcastically. “I know. You deserve so much better than a simple farm boy like me. You deserve the best and I’m trying to give it to you.”

“No, that’s not what I mean. I mean…” Castiel took a deep breath. “You deserve better than me.”

Dean frowned. “Cas. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me? How can I get better once I’ve had the best?”

Castiel turned his head and stared out the clouded window of the pickup truck. “There are tons of fish in the water.” He muttered softly.

Suddenly there was a hand gently gripping his chin, turning his face back to Dean. “Please don’t tell me you’re breaking up with me.”

Castiel swallowed. He didn’t know what to say. Maybe it would be better, wouldn’t it? What if today was only the beginning? What if those little panic attacks would get worse? That would mean that it wouldn’t be the last time that he physically hurt Dean, let alone emotionally, mentally. He didn’t want to hurt Dean even more! Yes, breaking up with him would hurt for a while, but Dean would get over it eventually.

Dean’s eyes grew wide with fear. “Oh God, you’re breaking up with me.” He whispered.

Could he break up with Dean?

“Please don’t break up with me, Cas. Please, I’m begging you. I need you.” Dean pleaded and brought his other hand to Castiel’s face, cupping his cheeks and pulling him closer.

He couldn’t.

“Please, not before Christmas. Not now. Not ever! I only want you!” His lip started to quiver.

Castiel shook his head. “I’m not. I love you too much.” He whispered and pressed his forehead against Dean’s.

Dean sighed and pecked Castiel’s lips. “Don’t ever do that to me again! _Ever_!”

Castiel nodded and closed his eyes. “I won’t. I’m sorry, Dean.”

Dean smiled and caressed Castiel’s cheek with the pad of his thumb. “It’s okay, baby. Let’s just go home before Sam starts wondering where we are. Don’t wanna get home with cold pizza’s, do we?” Dean said softly and kissed Castiel one more time before leaning back in the driver’s seat and starting the car.

 

Sam, Dean and Castiel were sitting on the faux fur rug in front of the fireplace. They had ripped the empty pizza boxes apart, used them as kindling and were now enjoying the pleasant heat of the fire. Castiel was slumped against Dean’s shoulder, yawning from his after dinner dip.

“Sammy, how’re your hands doing?” Dean asked out of nowhere.

Sam shrugged. “Fine, I guess. Bit sensitive, but I managed to feed the horses with gloves on while you two were out, so I’m good.”

“You fed the- Ugh.” Dean groaned. “Sam! It was my turn!”

“Until I nearly burned down the house. It was nothing, really. Don’t worry about it. You can do it tomorrow morning if you want to do it so badly.” Sam chuckled.

Castiel nodded. “Give it a break, Dean. We are all adults here. You don’t have to take care of everybody.” He said and cuddled closer to Dean.

Sam laughed. “Dean not taking care of anybody. God, I don’t think that will ever happen. Dean will find something else to stress about.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “I think it’s time for eggnog. Anybody else?” He sighed.

Sam jumped up. “I’ll get it!” He cheered and disappeared into the hallway before anybody could make a comment.

Castiel closed his eyes and pulled Dean’s arm around him so he could hold his hand as it rested on his side. “Can we all just stop worrying? New Year’s is coming. It’ll be a new start for everything. Right?” Castiel asked quietly.

Dean nodded and planted a kiss on the top of Castiel’s head. “Yes. We’ll just stop worrying. What’s the worst that could happen, right? We’re an awesome team. Sam is the best wingman ever. We’ll be okay. Next summer I’ll take you to the Tallgrass prairie and we’ll go camping with horses. It’s amazing! And I’m gonna take you to Germany,” Dean said with a smile and turned Castiel a little so he could kiss his mouth. “And Belgium,” _kiss_ “Hell, we’ll make a trip through whole Europe.”

Sam came back with the eggnog. Of course that bastard had spiked it up even more with rum. Resulting in drunk Christmas songs on the piano, even more (sloppy) kisses and, when Sam called it a night and went to his room, some sexy stuff might have taken place on the rug in front of the fireplace. There was something about Dean’s voice getting all husky when he’s drunk. Castiel found it quite the turn on. He didn’t remember much after that. For both Dean and Castiel it was a big haze of alcohol, love and lust.

 

When Sam came downstairs the following morning he wasn’t surprised to find his brother cuddled up with his boyfriend in front of the fireplace, covered with a couple fleece blankets, surrounded by their clothes.  
He decided to let them sleep a little longer while he fed the horses, again. After that he set two glasses of water on the coffee table and started making breakfast.

Dean woke up to soft kissed planted on his chest and the smell of bacon. He lazily opened his eyes and looked down at the blue eyes that were staring straight back at him. The bright light of the sun seemed to make them light up even more than they usually do. He smiled and closed his eyes again.

“I must’ve died and gone to heaven.” He sighed happily.

Castiel chuckled softly. “Well, I’m glad you’re still alive. Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas, Castiel.” Dean said and opened his eyes again. Yes, Castiel was still there. “I love you so much it nearly hurts, you know that? When I die, I hope heaven will be like this. With you in my arms.”

“You two are making me sick.” Sam snorted. Dean and Castiel looked up at Sam. He was standing in the doorway, hands resting on his hips. “What’s first? Breakfast, opening presents, or breakfast while opening presents?”

“How about you give us five minutes to get dressed?” Dean said with a smirk. “Unless you want breakfast au naturel, of course. Always wanted to try that.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Like I said, you make me sick.” He grumbled and walked back to the kitchen.

Dean rolled over to Castiel again and wiggled his eyebrows. “We got five more minutes.” He said with a grin.

“In your dreams, Winchester.” Castiel scoffed and sat up as he started to collect his clothes.  
After a hearty breakfast and some more dirty jokes the guys made their way to the living room with hot chocolate. Dean and Castiel sat on the rug and Sam decided that the sofa was the most hygienic place for him to be seated, but not without some chuckles and funny looks from his brother, of course.

“Okay, who wants to go first?” Sam asked.

Dean shuffled closer to the tree. “I’ll pick the first one! This one’s from Cas and me.” Dean said and handed Sam the first present.

Castiel furrowed his brow, he didn’t recall buying Sam a present with Dean.  
Sam eagerly took the wrapped mess from Dean and started to rip off the paper.

“Oh my God…” He laughed and held up the stuffed moose. “You guys are cruel! Dean, did you ever tell Cas what my nickname was in highschool?”

“It was _Moose_. We got it for you in Amsterdam, little souvenir.” Dean said smug.

“I love it, thank you guys!” Sam said and hugged the moose close to his chest. “Guess I’ll pick the next one!” He jumped off the sofa and tossed Castiel a present. “I had some help from Dean.”

Castiel playfully narrowed his eyes and unwrapped the present. It was a sweater. Not just any sweater, but a Christmas sweater. A ridiculous, blue Christmas sweater that was decorated with kittens with Christmas hats, destroying a Christmas tree.

“Cats.” Castiel snickered. “Of course. Thank you, Sam. This is the most intriguing Christmas sweater I have ever seen in my life. It’s amazing!” He said and pulled the sweater over his head. “Perfect fit! Now it’s my turn, right?”

Sam and Dean nodded. Castiel knew exactly which one he was going to pick next. On hands and knees, he crawled to the tree and grabbed his gift for Dean. “There you go. It took me so long to find something that was good enough, but I think I found it.” He said and gave the box to Dean.

“Hm, quite heavy. Is it pie?”

“Just open it, silly!” Castiel said impatiently.

“Alright, alright.” Dean set the box down between his legs and started to tear the paper off. The first thing he saw was the vinyl records. His eyes widened and his lips parted into a big smile. “Oh my God… AC/DC, Asia, Kansas… This is so cool! All I need now is a-”

“Check the box, Dean.” Castiel said.

Dean lifted his head and looked at Castiel with big eyes. “You didn’t!”

Castiel just chuckled and Dean turned his head back to the box, he took out the vinyl records and nearly cried when he saw what was underneath.

“You bought me a portable Crosley?!” Dean exclaimed as he lifted the pale blue suitcase record player out of the box. “Now I can listen to mom’s old records! Cas, you’re the best! I love you so much! Thank you thank you thank you!” He put the Crosley down on the floor and practically jumped Castiel, kissing him all over his face. Castiel let out a high pitched shriek as Dean worked him to the floor and couldn’t help but laugh.

“Dean!” Castiel laughed. “Stooop!”

When Dean finally bounced back he had a huge grin plastered to his face. “Damn, now my gift is gonna look super stupid!”

Dean had given Castiel a cowboy hat. A beautiful, black, fur felt cowboy hat.

Castiel gasped as he ran his fingers over the smooth surface of the hat. “Dean, it’s beautiful! I love it.” He said and kissed Dean’s lips before putting the hat on.

“Look at that. You’re almost a proper cowboy now!” Dean said.

Castiel narrowed his eyes. “Almost?”

Sam cleared his throat. “Yeah, you see, Dean and I found something really cool. So cool that we both wanted to buy it for you. We compromised so we both bought you one half. Show him, Dean.”

Dean snickered and pulled a box from underneath the tree. “There you go. From Sammy and me. Open it up!”

The box itself wasn’t too special, just a plain cardboard box. It wasn’t even wrapped. Castiel lifted the lid and tucked away the thin paper that was covering the contents of the box.

 

A pair of leather cowboy boots…

_“Why don’t you show me grateful you are?”_

 

“Now you’re complete! I remembered your shoe size, but don’t worry, Sam kept the receipt in case they don’t fit.”

Castiel was having trouble to keep the corners of his mouth up. It seemed as some invisible force was tugging them down into a sick frown.

_Finger tips were painfully digging into his hips. His face was shoved against the mattress, making it hard to breathe._

“Do you like them? The fight Sam and I had over a pair of boots… It was pretty funny.”

_”Oh yeah, that’s it baby!”_

“Cas, are you okay? What’s wrong?”

_No, not again!_

Castiel feld someone grab his shoulder and shaking him lightly. He was still staring at the boots. _They were beautiful, real leather, sturdy soles and handcrafted details. And they were the right size._

Castiel finally looked up to meet Dean’s eyes. “They’re gorgeous. Thank you so much guys. I’ll be right back, don’t wait up.” He said quickly and took off the hat before he stood up and left the living room.

“Cas?” Dean called after him.

“I’m okay. Be right back.” Castiel said and walked to the bathroom. He locked the door and opened the tap to splash some water in his face. He didn’t want to look in the mirror. He didn’t-  
He looked anyway. He didn’t look too bad for someone who was having a quiet panic attack. Castiel breathed himself through it for a while.

“Just a pair of boots.” He whispered to himself. “A Christmas present from your new family. Nothing wrong. Malcom isn’t here.” _Then why do I feel his hands all over me?”_  
And just like that the disgust was back. He wanted to scrub his skin off, just to get rid of the ghost of fingers of a man who didn’t understood the word “no”.  
“Just a pair of boots. Stay calm. Just a pair of boots.” He muttered one last time before flushing the toilet (just in case), unlocking the bathroom door and walking back to the living room.

“Baby! You’re back!” Dean said happily and reached out his arms to pull Castiel down on his lap.

“I had to pee.” He lied and put up one his fake, but cute, smiles.

“Yeah… I figured.” Dean chuckled. “Okay, who’s next?”

Castiel put the boots back in the box and didn’t touch them after that.

Dean had gotten Sam a watch for his collection and Sam had gotten Dean a Star Wars Lego set and the new mouse and keyboard. Castiel hadn’t had an idea of what to get for Sam so he just given him a coupon from the computer store.

The rest of Christmas was spent like any other day, working. But they gave themselves some more time since it was just the three of them. Jo, Ash and Nick wouldn’t come back until the day before New Year’s.  
As long as John wasn’t back from his little vacation, Dean and Castiel took the chance to sleep together. Not that they slept that much after they got in bed…

Dean was in love with his record player. He had been playing his mom’s old records for the past few days. Apparently the Beatles used to be her favorite band and hearing from the crackling Castiel could tell that Hey Jude had been played quite a lot of times before.

 

John came back on evening of the 28th. He had called Sam and friendly asked him to take down the tree and decorations before he came home. The boys didn’t mind. They still had Castiel’s little tree and well lit room and the hope that maybe next year John would join them. It was all Dean had ever wanted after all. Sam told John about the oven, he didn’t seem too upset about it. It was easily replaced, so there was no need to get angry. He didn’t seem too impressed by how Castiel had saved the house either.

Sam, Dean and Castiel were out in the paddocks, checking the fences when John walked out.

“Boys, I’m sending you to Bobby. He needs help with preparing the bonfire. Castiel and I will finish this here.” John ordered.

Dean frowned lightly. “Dad, can’t Cas come with us? The bonfire is-”

“It’s just stacking up wood. Now get your ass out of here before I make you leave.”

Dean looked at Castiel with sorry eyes. Of course he wanted Castiel to come with them, but apparently John had other plans.  
Castiel just smiled weakly and nodded. They would see each other soon enough. Maybe John and Castiel would drive over to Bobby’s after checking the fences.

“Come on, Dean.” Sam said softly and nudged his brother. “We don’t want to keep Bobby waiting, do we?”

Dean sighed and hung his head. “Yeah, I’ll see you later Cas… And dad.” He said and followed his brother back to the house.

John and Castiel checked the remaining paddocks for any defects in the fence without exchanging words. Castiel didn’t like it. He had never really liked John Winchester. Yes, generally he was a friendly man. He wasn’t around much, so Castiel never really had the chance to get to know him, but he knew that something wasn’t right. Something in the way John walked and shot him awkward looks.

After the last paddock John stretched his back and looked at his watch.

“Castiel. We need to talk.”


	14. Somewhere out there

_Summer in Kansas was sultry, but Castiel didn’t mind. Yes, he was sweaty from riding all day, but the heat had its advantages. On the horse in front of his, Dean had taken off his shirt. With every little move he could see the muscles ripple under his skin, the sheen of sweat making him glisten in the sun a little._

_Dean had kept his promise. He and Castiel had packed a couple bags, loaded two of their best American Paint horses on the trailer and they made their way to the Tallgrass Prairie._

_Dean turned his head with a smirk. In the shade of his hat, his eyes seemed even darker._

_“Like what you see?” He purred. He licked his lips and took off his hat to use it as a fan._

_Castiel blushed a little and bit his lip to conceal the grin that started to spread over his face. “I like every angle of you and you know it. You’re such a diva sometimes.”_

_Dean snorted and held his horse back until they were riding next to each other. “Well, I’m kinda gay, so that shouldn’t be a surprise to you. Wanna race?”_

_Castiel shook his head. “Nah, it’s way too hot and the horses-”_

_Dean didn’t listen. He spurred on his horse and sped forward, away from Castiel at an incredible speed. Castiel sighed and spurred his own horse, but the animal wouldn’t proceed at a gallop. It just kept walking at a lazy pace._

_“Dean! Wait!” He shouted, but Dean didn’t hear him. He was already too far away._

_Castiel groaned and pressed his heels harder against the flanks of the horse. “Come on, you stupid jade!” He shouted. Out of the blue the horse started bucking. Usually Castiel knew how to keep himself on the saddle when this happened.  
Not this time. In one swift move he threw Castiel off his back. He landed on the grass with a painful blow to his back and watched as the horse galloped away in the opposite direction of Dean, who seemed to have disappeared completely at this point._

_Wait a minute… Where had the sun gone? The sky was clear just moments ago!_

 

The light rain falling on his face woke him from his dream.

Dean. Where was Dean? Where is the rain coming from? Why-

It took Castiel a moment to remember why he was outside, on a bench... At the bus stop.

John Winchester had given him one hour to pack his things. After that the man had dropped him off at the bus station in Smith Center with some cash to buy a bus ticket. He hadn’t paid Castiel his last salary. He hadn’t even given Castiel the chance to say goodbye to Dean and Sam...

_”I don’t want a pansy ass queer on my ranch. I’ve seen the way you and Dean look at each other. He will not be corrupted. My son is not a fag. I thought you were a good kid, but apparently I was wrong."_

Castiel’s blood started to boil as he recalled what John had said to him earlier. Like loving a man was some sort of nasty disease that has to be exterminated. Like he was some sort of monster that turned his son into a homosexual.

Castiel buried his face in his hands. It had happened again. He was too happy and Karma came around to make sure it was taken away from him and now here he was. Waiting at a bus stop in the middle of fucking nowhere, waiting for a ride to god knows where. He didn’t care. Nothing mattered anymore. All he wanted was Dean. Dean’s lips pressed to his neck. Dean’s arms wrapped around his waist and those emerald green eyes staring back at him.

Castiel had been too shocked to realize that this was real. This was not some sort of nightmare. No, this was reality. He had lost another home and even more important, he had lost Dean.  
He didn’t want to cope with it. He didn’t want the realization to kick in, so he just lay there on the bench, slowly soaking in the rain, trying to pretend it was all fake as the freezing cold crawled through his flesh and into his bones.That when he’d open his eyes he’d be back at the Winchester ranch, wrapped in Dean’s warm arms. This couldn’t be real. It just _couldn’t_ be!  
But it was. It was all too real and Castiel had been fired for loving Dean. It’s funny how fast things go sometimes. It seems like only yesterday that they were in Amsterdam. Castiel shivers at the memories of the club and Dean getting drugged.

Castiel shook his head. He had fucked up once again. He made the wrong decision and now he was paying the price. It wasn’t meant to be, that was pretty damn obvious. The universe had something against Castiel for some reason. Maybe he had screwed up in a past life as well.

He figured he’d better just forget about it all. Turn off his emotions, or at least push them away long enough to get over it all. To get over Dean.

There was no way he was going back to Tennessee, so he decided to take the Greyhound to Denver, Colorado. New state, new start and he would have to forget about Dean. He didn’t really have a choice. John demanded the phone back that Dean had given him for Christmas, claiming he had used John’s credit card to buy it.  
Castiel couldn’t remember Dean’s phone number. He would never be able to contact Dean again. The only things he had left from Dean was everything he had packed. Some of the clothes Dean had bought for him in Amsterdam, the black cowboy hat, the coat and, even though they gave him a bitter taste, the leather boots. They were a gift from Sam and Dean after all.

Dean… Castiel forced the tears back. It was over, done, finished, the end. With that thought Castiel boarded the bus.

 

~~~~~~

 

“Cas, we’re back!” Dean shouted as he entered the house, followed by Sam.

“Castiel isn’t here, Dean.” John’s voice sounded from the living room. He was sitting on the armchair near the door, staring at the crackling fire.

“He’s probably playing with Casper, isn’t he?” Dean sighed with a smile. Those two are inseparable. I swear to God, it’s gonna be a disaster when we have to sell the little guy. I’m gonna go check on him.” He said and wanted to walk to the kitchen to go to the stables.

“That won’t be necessary. I fired him.” John said.

Dean froze. His father _fired_ Castiel?! “Dad, that’s not funny. He’s at the stables, right? I’m gonna get him, it’s gonna rain soon.”

 

John shook his head. “I’m not kidding, Dean.” He said and tossed Castiel’s phone to Dean, who barely caught it, nearly dropping it on the floor. “I fired him. It’s okay, he can no longer brainwash you. I dropped him off at Smith Center about an hour ago. He’s gonna build a life in another place where he can no longer harm my family. I do not tolerate fags on my ranch, let alone in my house. Understood?”

Sam stepped up behind Dean. “Dad, please don’t tell me you really sent him away.” He pleaded.

“No, Sam. He’s gone. He was a bad influence on you guys. Come on, Dean is not gay. That’s obvious. I didn’t raise my son to be a fucking queer! Castiel was toying with your head, boy. It’s what they do. Anything to stick their dicks into an asshole, it’s disgusting. So, yes, I fired him. Thank me later.”

Dean was shaking with rage. “You didn’t.” He hissed. “YOU FUCKING DIDN’T! Sam, give me the car keys, I’m going after him. Maybe he’s still in Smith Center. He could be going back to Tennessee, it’s the only place he knows. Or maybe further east, maybe he’s going back to his parents.” Dean said and turned to Sam.

“You will do no such thing! Can’t you see it, Dean? Can’t you see what that fag did to you?” John said. He was way too calm. He actually believed what he was saying and it made Dean sick to his stomach. How had he found out anyway? Yes, he had Castiel’s phone, but Castiel would never let that thing out of his sight. Was it the looks? The fact that he had named a horse after him? Had they really been _that_ obvious?!

Dean took a deep breath, trying to steady himself and not let the anger take over. He knew he would kill John if he lost control right now. The man was nearly always on some sort of business trip. There wasn’t much left of the family and now he had taken away the one person that made Dean happy.  
“You know what, dad? Fuck you! Fuck you and your short sighted ideas. I fucking love Castiel with all my heart and nothing, _nothing_ will keep us apart! Not even a fucking homophobe like you!” He said and took the keys from Sam.

“I’m coming with you, Dean.” Sam said stern as he glared at their father.

“Just know that if you bring back that piece of crap, you’ll all be kicked out of this house! You’re going to hell for what you did with that boy and you know it!” John shouted.

Dean didn’t listen anymore. So be it. He’d rather be happy with Castiel than unhappy with his father. He would leave everything behind, including Molly, to be with Castiel and nothing would stop him to have him by his side again.  
He walked out the front door with Sam by his side and climbed back into the pickup truck to drive to Smith Center. Hopefully they’d be there in time to haul Castiel’s ass off the bus and into his arms. He swore to himself that he would never let the boy out of his sight ever again. They would move to a nice city, a city where they would be accepted for who they were. Live a normal life. Maybe Sam would join them. Dean liked that idea.The three of them living together. Dean could easily find a job as a mechanic, Sam was great with computers and Castiel could just do whatever the hell he wanted. Whatever made him happy.

 

Castiel wasn’t in Smith Center when they arrived. Dean asked around if anybody had seen a young man with dark hair and blue eyes, but he had no idea what Castiel was wearing. He didn’t even know what Castiel had taken with him. They drove around in Smith Center, just in case. They checked every motel, hotel and B&B, but there was no trace of Castiel. It was after midnight when Dean stepped into the car after checking the last motel, tears were welling up in his eyes and he slumped over the wheel.

“He’s gone, Sam. He’s… I… Where could he be?” Dean said softly. The volume of his voice was lost with the hope.

“I don’t know, Dean. But we’re not giving up until we find him.”

“Why would dad just send him away! He didn’t do anything wrong! We weren’t bothering anybody! How did dad find out in the first place?! Were we too obvious? Sam, was it really that obvious?!” Dean asked, his voice was trembling and he couldn’t hold the tears back any longer. “Why would he do this to us?!”

Sam didn’t know what to say. What was there left to say. Castiel had vanished and he had taken Dean’s heart with him. He could be anywhere. America is big and Castiel had traveled all the way from Memphis to Lebanon for a shady job advertisement. Maybe he’d find a job in fucking Alaska for all they knew. There was no way to be sure where he had gone off to this time.

“Dean, I don’t think Cas would go back to Tennessee. After everything that happened there I think he’d stay far away from that place.”

“And what does that give us, huh?! Only the rest of the United States. Maybe he is going to Canada. What if he decided to go to fucking Mexico?!”

“Whoah! Calm down, Dean! He loves you. You know he does. I’m sure he can’t be far away. And he knows where to find you. Maybe he’ll be back in a few days, so don’t give up.”

Like Dean was ever going to give up.

~~~~~~

 

Denver was not too bad. It only took Castiel a couple days to find a job. With his experience from the Winchester Ranch he was hired by a rescue ranch in no-time. Paul, the owner of the ranch knew an old lady, Carrie Miller, who had a room for rent in Louviers, a small town a couple miles away from Denver, and he could practically walk to the ranch from there.

“Ah, you must be Castiel! I am Carrie, nice to meet you.” The old lady said as soon as she opened the door. She must’ve been at least seventy and she was tiny. Her gray hair was a little messy and she was wearing dark sunglasses that covered nearly half her face. Judging from the black fleece sweater she was wearing, Castiel guessed she had at least two cats. And for some reason she reminded Castiel of Julie Andrews.

Castiel blinked a couple times. “Uhm, yes, I am. How did you know it was me?” He stammered. Paul had called her, told her that Castiel would come by sometime that week, but not when and what he’d look like.

“Oh, dear boy. An old, blind hag like me doesn’t get that many visitors. The only people who come visit me here are Paul and the local priest. Why don’t you come in, boy? We don’t want you to catch a cold, now do we?” Blind, that would explain the gigantic sunglasses.

Castiel liked her immediately. “Of course.” He said and followed her inside, dragging his suitcase and backpack after him.

“The room is yours, by the way.” Carrie said after she closed the door.

“But… You don’t even know me.” Castiel stammered.

Carrie didn’t say anything and Castiel followed her to the living room. It was like he had traveled back to the 70’s. All the retro furniture had never been replaced. The color orange was most prominent, decorating the couch, walls and chairs.

“Sit down and close your mouth, boy. You’re gonna catch a fly like that.” Carrie said as she waddled into the kitchen accompanied by (indeed) three cats.

Castiel closed his agape mouth and frowned when he lowered himself on the orange couch. How did she know that it was open in the first place?  
Carrie was holding a tray with a coffee pot and two cups when she walked back into the livingroom. She poured two cups of coffee and added milk and sugar to both of them. She handed Castiel one cup and sat down on the chair across from Castiel. _Of course_ she knew how Castiel liked his coffee as well and at this point it creeped him out a little.

“Don’t you worry, boy. Life will get better for you. It isn’t the end, you just have to stay strong and love yourself.” Carrie said and took a sip from her coffee.

Castiel nearly dropped his cup, spilling a little coffee on the saucer. What was this sorcery?

“Excuse me, what now?”

“Would you like to see the basement? I think you’ll like it.”

“Wait a minute. With all due respect, ms. Miller-”

“Oh please, call me Carrie.”

“Carrie… How do you know all that stuff? How did you know it was me knocking on your door. You just gave me my coffee exactly the way I like it and I’m pretty sure I didn’t tell you!”

Carrie giggled and put her cup down. “I just know things, boy. Most of the time I don’t even know how I know them, or why. I just do. And I know you’ve been through something awful. But let me tell you, Castiel, things won’t stay awful forever. Things will be better from now on. Come on, I’ll show you the basement. That will be your room. I hope you don’t mind the cats, they like to cuddle when they have the chance.”

Castiel wanted to believe her. He wanted to believe that things were gonna get better. But Dean wasn’t by his side. Dean was 400 miles away from him. Was he looking for him? Did Dean even miss him?  
_Don’t be stupid! Of course he misses you!_  
No, he had to push him out of his head. Unless Castiel would be able to collect the courage to go back to Lebanon he knew that he would never see Dean ever again. Knowing his own anxiety pumped ass, it would never happen. Besides, he wasn’t supposed to be happy. He was born to fail and he lived the proof. He wasn’t going to drag Dean into his misfortune. Dean deserved better than that. He would get over him and find a nice boyfriend (or girlfriend) and take over the ranch when his father retires and live happily ever after. That’s what Dean deserved.

Castiel decided to ignore what Carrie had said to him. He didn’t believe in all that mumbo jumbo. Luck had never been on his side it probably never would be. So it’d be a shame to keep his hopes high and get disappointed in the end, as always.  
So he took the basement, which turned out to be some sort of retro man cave with a pool table, bar and an enormous flat screen TV. The couch appeared to be a sofa bed. It was basically the best room ever. _Dean would’ve liked this place…_  
Carrie had lost her sight a long time ago and lost her husband not long after that, so the house hadn’t changed since then so Carrie would be able to find her way around.

“I apologize, it’s probably very dusty down there. I haven’t been there in ages.” She shouted from the top of the stairs. One of the cats had already found his way to the sofa bed and curled himself up in the corner as a dark gray ball of fur. “Sherlock, come back here at once!”

“Don’t worry about it, Carrie. I can clean it up. And eh… Sherlock, he can stay. I love cats!”

Carrie giggled. “The other two are called Watson and Moriarty. I adopted them from the shelter. Two years ago. Aren’t they adorable? Why don’t you come back upstairs? I’ll show you the rest of the house.”

As expected, the rest of the house was a retro walhalla. On the walls were old posters from The Beatles, Elvis, Lynyrd Skynyrd, AC/DC and some other bands.

“My husband loved rock ‘n roll.” Carrie said with a smile as she traced her fingers over the posters. “I believe he put the records and record player in the attic. I’m not sure if it’s still there, but if you’d like to see you can take it down. I’d really like to hear that old music again!”

_Dean would’ve liked her too._

 

Work at the rescue ranch was different. This ranch was focused on the bond between horse and human. All the horses were rescued. Some had been abused and/or underfed. The ranch made sure every horse got the right treatment and got rehabilitated so it could find a new, permanent home with loving owners. And aside from the usual employees that were necessary, there were also therapists.  
The Rescue Ranch had a special program for at-risk youth, to help them find their balance through therapy with horses.  
Beside the horses, the ranch had two potbellied pigs and 4 donkeys. Castiel liked the donkeys the best.

One week went by since he had been sent away from the Winchester ranch. He missed Dean more every day. He thought about him all the time. Where he would be, what he could be doing. Maybe Dean was searching for him.

New Year’s was the worst. Castiel had just locked himself in the basement. He didn’t eat, didn’t drink. He just cried into his pillow, trying to keep it down because apparently Carrie could hear _everything_. He wanted Dean. Nothing but Dean. Never before had he felt this lonely and cold. He missed Dean’s voice, Dean’s scent, his eyes and lips. God, he missed him so much. Maybe that was it. Maybe God was punishing him for being gay. Was that it?

Castiel should’ve stayed in Lebanon or at least Smith Center. Should have…  
_No!_ And drag Dean down with him? That was not going to happen. Maybe John was right. Maybe Castiel had corrupted Dean. He didn’t do it on purpose! He just wanted to be loved and Dean loved him and he loved Dean so it seemed okay. What if Dean wasn’t into men at all? What if he was just as frustrated as Castiel? He had tried dating Jo. He and Jo would make a fine couple.

“Hey, Cas. Stop daydreaming, man. I need you.” Jody said as she poked his shoulder. Jody must’ve been in her 30’s. She was an absolute sweetheart and a gorgeous woman with brown hair, sparkling hazel eyes and a pair of lips that always seemed to be smiling.

When Castiel didn’t smile back she frowned a little. “What’s up, buttercup?”

Castiel shrugged. “Just tired.” He lied.

“Then maybe you should take it easy for once. I’ve never seen someone work as hard as you around here. This place is supposed to calm you down. So slow down, cowboy.” Jody said and tapped the edge of Castiel’s cowboy hat. He didn’t like that nickname anymore. The only one who ever called him cowboy was… Not his anymore.

Castiel forced the corners of his mouth into a smile. Pushing back the tears “I’ll try. Okay? I’ll try.”

Jody sighed and shook her head. “It’s nearly time for lunch. I heard it’s Balthazar’s birthday and that dude makes _wicked_ cakes! We can groom the donkeys later, come on.”

Castiel had absolutely no idea who anybody was. The only people he had remembered the names of were Paul, Carrie and Jody. The others didn’t really pay attention to him, so he didn’t see why he had to pay attention to them. He couldn’t really pay attention to anything than work. The harder he worked, the more he strained his muscles, the better he could cope with the tension that was laying underneath. When he got back in his basement in Louviers and his muscles were aching from mucking out the stables all day, he could focus on the faint, but persistent pain in his muscles instead of the agonizing pain from the beating of his broken heart.

“Well?” Jody nudged his arm. “Come on, let’s go!” She hooked her arm onto his and started to drag him after her, to the staff room.

 

~~~~~~

 

Dean spent his days driving around in lebanon, Bellaire, Smith Center and even Esbon, Burr Oak and Ionia in the hope that Castiel had stayed close. Close to the ranch, close to Dean. But Castiel was nowhere to be found. Whenever he wasn’t looking for Castiel he’d be cooped up in his room in the attic. Listening to the records that Castiel had bought him on the Crosley, lying on his bed and burying his face into the pillows because they still smelled like him.

The room was still decorated with the strings of light and the little plastic tree was still standing in the corner. It calmed Dean down a little.

Castiel had taken most of his clothes, the hat and the boots. It made Dean happy. At least he had taken his Christmas presents… Except for the phone, which John had taken away from him. Probably to prevent them from calling.

John had magically disappeared the day before New Year’s. The man had only left a note on his desk saying he had business to take care.

Dean trashed John’s office a couple days later after yet another useless search for Castiel. With tears burning in his eyes he minced every piece of furniture with an ax. Chopping out his anger and sadness. He wasn’t staying at the ranch anyway. There was no way Dean would stay and work for his father. Not after Castiel was gone.

“JESUS CHRIST, DEAN!” Sam exclaimed when he saw the havoc Dean had created. Dean was sitting on the window sill, smoking a cigarette. He hadn’t smoked in nearly three months and Sam knew this wasn’t a good sign. He had stopped ever since Castiel showed up in his life.

Dean pulled the cigarette from between his lips and jerked his head to Sam. “What?!” He snapped before putting the filter back in his mouth, nervously chewing on the tip.

“What the hell did you do?!”

Dean stood up and grabbed the ax, smashing it into the the already tattered filing cabinet. “THIS!” Dean grunted and pressed the cigarette against the wall to put it out.

“But… Why?” Sam asked, his voice reduced to a mere whisper.

Dean laughed sarcastically. “Really? You’re asking me why? BECAUSE THAT BASTARD TOOK AWAY EVERYTHING I LOVED!!!” He screamed at the top of his lungs and started chopping up the antique desk chair that apparently wasn’t broken enough in Dean’s eyes.

Sam winced and took a step back. “Dean… Please stop. You’re scaring me.”

“You’re scared?! What about me, huh?! What about _my_ feelings?!” Dean shouted and threw the ax at the wall, causing yet another dent.

Sam winced again. “I’m trying to be there for you, Dean. I know you’re hurt and lonely and scared. But this isn’t gonna bring Cas back and you _know_ it. So please, calm down! We’ll find a way.”

“I already found a way. I just took out all my aggression on dad’s office. Now I’m gonna leave the ranch. I already loaded my bags in the Impala.” Dean said nonchalantly.

Sam’s eyes widened. “You’re leaving?!”

“Duh! How else am I supposed to find Cas? I’m not gonna sit here and wait til he magically appears on the front porch. I’d like to believe that’s gonna happen, but it’s been one week! One fucking week without Castiel and I. Am. Going. Insane! So, yes, I’m leaving. Chances are I’m never coming back. Don’t get me wrong, Sam. I love the ranch. I love the horses and the work. But I don’t want to live in the same house with the son of a bitch who dares to call himself my father. Who claims to care for me and then pull this shit on me. Fuck him! He’s never around! He hasn’t been a father ever since mom died.” Dean ranted on and picked up the ax again. “So yeah, I’m out of here.”

Sam blinked a couple times, processing everything that Dean just said. His brother had a good point.  
“But who’s gonna take care of the ranch? I can’t do all that shit by myself! Someone’s gotta take care of the horses. And who is gonna explain all this?” Sam said, gesturing at the room. “I get it, Dean. I really do. I’m also angry with dad, but I think you went too far.”

Dean let out a hard laugh and stopped abruptly. “I don’t give a fuck. You can tell him the truth. By the way, the ranch isn’t gonna last that much longer.”

Sam frowned. “What do you mean?”

Dean walked to the destroyed filing cabinet and pulled out a big, yellow folder, waving it in the air before he walked to Sam and pushed it in his hands. “We’re bankrupt, Sammy. I don’t know what dad did, but he made some bad decisions. I’m surprised we’re still living here! So I’m leaving and I’m gonna find Cas. We’ll stay in touch and I’ll pick you up when you need me.”

Sam stared down at the folder and opened it. All the financial documents of the past year were in there, and it looked bad. Very, _very_ bad.  
“Then why did he book that expensive trip to Amsterdam? We didn’t need that new stallion either. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he hired Cas, but why put the advertisement out there if we couldn’t afford an extra employee? This doesn’t make any sense!”

Dean shrugged. “I wish I knew. But that’s his problem now.”

“So, what, you’re just gonna leave now? What about the horses, Dean? What about Tessa and the others? What are we gonna do? You still care about them, right? They didn’t do anything wrong!” Sam sighed, dropping his arms in defeat. “Please don’t leave me. Don’t leave _us_.”

“Then call dad and tell him that while I was destroying his office I found the documents. It’s _his_ ranch, so _his_ problem. You know how to run this circus without me. You did fine when Cas and I were in Amsterdam. Just keep it up until dad comes back. Nothing's gonna change, we just know a bit more than usual. When dad comes back he can fix it.”

“How can you be so cool about all this? This is our home. We grew up here. I don’t think dad can fix this. We’re gonna have to leave all this behind. I’m scared, Dean. Maybe you’ve given up, but I haven’t-”

“This is not just about the money, _or_ the house!” Dean interrupted his brother. “This is about dad being a fucking douchebag for kicking out Castiel like that! If Cas had still been here it would’ve been different!”

Sam let out a laugh and rolled his eyes. “Really? This is all about Cas? And what would be different if he was still here, huh? He would’ve been fired anyway. Just like the others are gonna get fired.”

“Shut up! We don’t know that!”

“Don’t be stupid. You’ve seen the numbers, you’ve done the math. We’re going down! We’re gonna have to sell the horses, the ranch… The house.”

“Well, I’m abandoning this ship while I still can.”

“And you’re gonna leave me behind because…?”

“Because I’ve gotta find Cas.”

“So… You’re leaving your own _brother_ behind to go out searching for a guy you’ve known for barely three months who has probably already toppled over the edge of the map anyway?”

“Hey! It wasn’t a problem until I told you-”

“Shut up, Dean. I know my place now. You go and hunt down that unicorn of yours. I’m so fucking done with you!” Sam spat and flung the folder into the corner of the office, sending the documents flying all the place. “Fuck you, Dean. Go ahead! Leave! I can do this without you! It’s not like you were doing anything useful around here anybody else _can’t_ do!”  
Having said that, Sam walked away. Leaving Dean with a hole in his gut and he didn’t know how to fill it.

All Dean wanted was Castiel, but he wanted Sam in his life too. He was his _brother_ , for Christ’s sake. That’s not something to be taken lightly. On the other hand, the ranch was doomed to go down. And it was going down soon.  
What would happen if John wouldn’t be back in time? Who was going to take care of business? Who would handle all that shit?

Sam was right. Dean couldn’t leave now. He wouldn’t leave his brother alone in this mess. Sam might’ve been smart and very mature for his age, but even Dean wouldn’t be able to do this alone. Maybe they could handle this together.

“I’m sorry, Castiel. I love you. I love you so much and I promise that we’ll be together again. Sooner or later.” Dean whispered. Maybe Castiel would feel it somehow. Maybe he would know that Dean still loved him.

 

~~~~~~

 

“Castiel, why don’t you come inside? It’s freezing out there and I could really use your help with preparing dinner.” Carrie called out.

Castiel was sitting in the backyard, gently swaying back and forth on the old swing lounger that was suspended between two trees. He had an amazing view on the Rocky Mountains since Carrie’s house was located at the edge of Louviers. And since there were no big city lights, the stars were just as bright as they were in Lebanon.

Castiel sighed at the memory of the ranch. He wanted to push himself to think of other things, but Dean slipped right through and there were the tears again.

“Castiel?” Carrie called once more.

He wiped away the tears with the sleeve of his sweater and stood up. The swing lounger groaned at the loss of Castiel’s weight.

“I’m sorry, Carrie. I’ll be right with you.”

Castiel took one more moment to stare up at the starry sky. The moon had just began to show. Nothing more than a sliver. And suddenly, out of nowhere, he remembered a song from a movie he had seen so many times when he was just a small boy.

Somewhere Out There from An American Tail began to play in his head.

_Somewhere out there,_   
_Beneath the pale moonlight,_   
_Someone's thinking of me,_   
_And loving me tonight._

He saw Dean’s face, imagining he was looking at the sky. Staring at the thin line of light that was the moon.

 _Somewhere out there,_  
_Someone's saying a prayer,_  
 _That we'll find one another,_  
 _In that big somewhere out there._

It wasn’t meant to be. No matter how much it hurt, he wasn’t supposed to end up with Dean. That was just his life. Relationships had never worked out for him, no matter how hard he tried. He had never felt so in love with anybody as with Dean and that’s probably what went wrong.

He could never be happy.

He promised himself that he would get over Dean eventually. It may take some time, but he promised himself that in a couple weeks he would feel better. He would forget about Dean and the hole in his chest would be filled again. The emptiness wouldn’t last forever.

 

_Except it did…_


	15. Rodeos and pretty faces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back, bitchesss! Again, I'm sorry it took me such a long time. But I'm happy to tell you I'm doing great at the moment. I've moved to a new house in a new town and I'm finally starting to relax, I even set up a YouTube channel and started vlogging (It's pretty insane xD)  
> This chapter is shorter than the others, I'm still trying to get the hang of it again. But I think it's a nice restart. Let me know what you think.
> 
> Also, thank you so much for the support! <3 it really helped me!

“For fuck’s sake, pick up, dad!” Dean shouted at his phone as he nervously paced back and forth through the kitchen. He stopped to look outside, secretly hoping that it wasn’t really happening, but it was.  
The ASPCA had received a warrant, giving them the authority to take away every horse. Dean had served out a couple punches if it weren’t for Sam to hold him back. The warrant didn’t make any sense, but those people were only doing their job.

He looked at the piece of paper again. It suggested that John had been involved with horse doping, match fixing in horse races and illegal _horse fighting_. Was that even a thing? It was all ridiculous and simply impossible. John loved horses, he would never do anything to hurt a living thing… Would he?

John had been missing for over two months now, leaving Sam and Dean with huge debts. Where did the debts come from? It didn’t appear overnight. Actually the accusations _did_ make sense. If John had made a couple bad decisions with the betting and match fixing…

Dean shook his head. His father wouldn’t do something like that. Why would he? The ranch was doing okay. It wasn’t perfect, but they had a comfortable life. Why go dark side and do such horrible things to make more money? Money that was gonna be lost anyway. It didn’t help them one bit, it destroyed everything they had. Everything they had built was gone just like that.

The phone must’ve rang over thirty times, but John still wouldn’t answer.

Sam walked into the kitchen with tears in his eyes. “Why would dad do this to us?” He breathed, swallowing hard to keep the tears from tipping over.

Dean aggressively shoved his phone back into his pocket and wiped his hands over his face in an attempt to calm down a little. But it was no use. He looked out the window to see Molly and Casper being lead to one of the trailers.  
Dean secretly hoped that they would put up a fight, rip the ropes out of the hands of those people and kick them in the nuts. But they were as gentle as they always were. Molly calmly followed and Casper trotted after her on his too long legs.

_What if Cas was here?_ Dean grunted at the thought. No, Cas had left and hadn’t come back. Cas knew where to find him. Cas knew that John would be gone most of the time. And even if Cas were here-

“Dean?” Bobby said calmly.

Dean dropped his arms and looked at the kitchen door. Bobby was leaning against the door post, Dean noticed he wasn’t wearing his worn-out baseball cap.

“Pack whatever you can, you boys can stay at my place for the time being.” He said blankly. There was no pity in his voice, but his face said it all. Eyes full of sadness and a sympathetic smile gently curved his mouth.

And so it went. Sam and Dean moved in with Bobby and helped him with the cows. When Dean wasn’t working he’d be drinking, blowing what little money he had left on booze, and listening to the records that Castiel had bought him for Christmas.  
It seemed like it was only yesterday that he had woken up to a pair of arms wrapped around him as he lie on the rug in front of the fireplace. And yet those last two months had crept past like a snail over a salt line. Painfully slow.

_Love me tender, love me long. Take me to your heart…_

“That’s it!” Bobby rumbled as he stumbled upon Dean, hanging on the worn out couch in the living room, surrounded by empty bottles. “You’re going out _now_! No excuses, you need some fresh air. Don’t make me kick your ass out of here!”

_For it’s there that I belong. And we’ll never part…_

Usually Dean would’ve gotten off his lazy arse and out of the house in the blink of an eye, but he couldn’t find the willpower to listen to Bobby this time.

The record player made a scratching noise and the faint voice of Elvis singing _Love Me Tender_ ended abruptly. Dean turned his head to find that Sam had turned the device off.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Dean said hoarse.

“Bobby is right, Dean. You have to get out of the house, get some fresh air. Please, this isn’t good for you. You’re starting to look like dad after-” Sam didn’t have to finish his sentence. It was crystal clear. Dean didn’t need another word. He stood up, kicked at the pile of bottles to clear his way and stormed through the kitchen and out the back door. They wanted him out? Fine, he’d go _out_. He ripped the car keys out of his pocket, stepped in the Impala and raced away, leaving a cloud of dust and sand as he sped onto the road.  
Dean knew exactly where he was going. He also knew that he probably wouldn’t come home for a while.

About fifteen minutes later Dean walked into the Roadhouse, his heavy boots sounding louder than usual on the worn out wooden floor. It was quiet. Ellen was stood behind the bar, pretending to dry some glasses even though there probably hadn’t been any customers that day.

“What’s up, Dean. You don’t look too shabby today.” Ellen say dryly and tossed him a beer bottle, which he caught effortlessly.

“Don’t wanna talk ‘bout it.” Dean grumbled as he sat down on the closest stool, cracking the bottle open on the edge of the bar top.

Ellen raised an eyebrow. As usual that woman could see straight through him. “Skip the foreplay and spit it out, boy. You know you will eventually, save yourself the trouble.”

Dean just stared at the liquid, sloshing back and forth in the cool, green bottle.

“So still that boy, huh? I gotta say I’m impressed.” Ellen said.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Dean grumbled.

“Whoah, calm down. No offense! I mean I’ve never seen you this upset for such a long time over anything. That Cas boy walks in and you turn into a completely different guy. Which wasn’t a bad thing until he left.”

“He didn’t _leave_ , Ellen! That bastard fired him, threatened to hurt him if he ever came back. And the exact same asshole left Sammy and me with a whole lot of _fucking crap_! He took everything away, our money, our future, our home… _Cas_.” Dean growled and emptied the bottle in one go.

Ellen leaned her elbows on the bar and looked straight at Dean. “And what are you gonna do about it?” She asked calmly. “Are you just gonna sit around and drink like your old man used to do, or are you gonna stand up and fight for what you want?”

What he wants… Dean huffed at the idea. It was never about him. It was always family first. The business. Then mom died, so it was all about dad and desperately trying to get the business back when their father was too drunk. Then it was about Sam, putting him through school until he eventually refused to get an education because the ranch was more important.  
It was never about Dean, until that awkward, blonde boy with blue eyes came along. Then it was about Castiel, but not just Castiel. No, it was about the both of them. For a sweet period of time it was just Dean and Castiel and everything seemed to finally work out. Until-

“What I want.” Dean repeated softly, a sarcastic laughter escaped his throat.

“Look at me, boy.”

Dean lifted his head and carefully looked at Ellen. He knew he shouldn’t be messing with her in any way.

“You are a human being, as far as we know you only have one life. With that life you can do whatever the hell you want. It’s _your_ life. Why waste it on crap you don’t want. _You_ are in control, Dean. Get your shit together and grab it by the horns. Do what makes _you_ happy.”

Dean bit his lip and looked at the , already empty, beer bottle he was mindlessly spinning between his hands. Ellen was right. He couldn’t just sit around and do nothing. He was going to grab it by the _horns_.

 

_One year later…_

His palms were sweaty. Those damn nerves got to Dean every time. Tiny spurts of adrenaline rushed through his body every time he heard the next round was announced. After warming up for the third time in a row to kill the time a bit he finally got the call.  
Dean quickly rubbed some more rosin on his gloves and made his way to the chute where Big Billie was waiting for him.

He looked up, immediately spotting Sam and Bobby right next to the gate. Bobby had a grin on his face and Sam… Well, Sammy was being himself. Always too worried that Dean would get hurt. Which wasn’t strange. Bull riding is the most dangerous eight second sport on the planet after all. Dean shot them both a small smile and climbed over the fence and on top of Billie.

“And so we meet again.” Dean muttered and gave the black bull a little pat. The animal was tense, like a tight coil and ready to spring free the nanosecond the gate of the bucking chute would swing open. “I know you want to, but please don’t kill me just yet, okay?” Dean chuckled and took a deep breath. Boots, check. Hat, check. Chaps, nice and tight. Gloves, check.  
He filtered out the cheering of the crowd, stuck his right hand under the bull rope and held it tightly. This was his lifeline for the next eight seconds.

_I like to believe you can hear me somehow. What am I doing, Cas? It’s been over a year. Why can’t I just get over you? It was just a fling of a couple months…_ My first boy… _Doesn’t matter. What am I doing with my life. I’ve searched and searched but it’s like you don’t want to be found. I’ve told myself so many times. Oh hell, Sam even told me. Look at me. I’m literally risking my life for a couple bucks here. This ain’t living. Not anymore. Not without you. I don’t even want to live anymore. I’m holding on to Sammy, but meanwhile I’m trying to destroy myself. First I tried booze, but it turns out that alcohol isn’t very rewarding._

“Dean, are you ready?”

Dean opened his eyes and looked up at the man who just dared to interrupt his moment of silence before the ride. This was _his_ thing. _His_ way of preparing for death in some way. _Screw this!_  
He took another deep breath, taking in the scent of the rosin and leather, fresh hay and the sweat of bulls. Tunnel vision. Sound is no longer important. It’s just him and Billie now. He braced his right arm and sat tightly.

He gave the nod.

The gate swung open and Billie shot into the arena. As Dean held on to the rope and bounced with every buck, he counted in his head until the buzzer went off, marking he had stayed on top for eight seconds.

1, Cas is gone.

He bounced down onto the back of the raging bull, the impact sending a blow through his spine that made his head fall back.

2, He isn’t coming back.

He had lost his hat. No big deal. It wasn’t a lucky charm or anything. Billie was grunting and snorting, throwing his hind legs into the air. It almost caught Dean off guard.

3, Never.

Keep your left hand in the air, clench those legs, man. You can’t fall off in front of Sammy.

4, Dean?

Cas? No! Keep your head in the here and now. Where has the rope gone? It wasn’t around his hand anymore. He was flying, but there was the ground.

5, Fuck fuck fuck fuuuuck!

Darkness.

 

“...fractured skull, a broken leg and severe bruising in several areas. But don’t worry, Mr. Singer. With some patience and good care, Dean will be okay.”

“Thank you, doctor. Sam, did you hear that?”

“Huh?”

_Sammy? Are Sam and Bobby here?_ Dean carefully opened his eyes. The bright light burned his eyes and deep fried his brain. He winced and closed his eyes again, immediately being overwhelmed by dizziness and intense nausea.

“Dean?” Sam said softly. “Bobby! Dean’s awake!”

Dean didn’t pay much attention to what was happening around him anymore. His stomach was twisting violently and cramped. In a reflex he turned over to his side and vomited on the floor. He felt like he was going to pass out. His head hurt, his stomach hurt, his back, his arms, his _leg_ and practically all the places he didn’t even know could generate this amount of pure, 100% _pain_.

“Oh dear.” The unfamiliar voice, probably the doctor’s, muttered. “That’s without a doubt the concussion. Don’t worry, it’s very common for a head trauma of this proportion. I’ll get someone to clean that up right away.”

“Dean?” Sam said softly as his big brother softly groaned and rolled on his back again. Giving Sam the opportunity to wipe Dean’s mouth with a damp cloth. “You’ve had a little accident during the rodeo, but you’re gonna be fine, okay? We’re here for you. Here, drink some water.”

Dean carefully opened his eyes again, Sam was slightly hanging over the bed, holding a cup in front of Dean’s face with a bendy straw. Dean locked his lips around the piece of plastic, eagerly sucking up the water to flush the sour bitter taste away. He smacked his lips and took a deep breath, finding out very quickly that he bruised some ribs. “Surprise, surprise.” He murmured and breathed out. “What happened?”

“Well uhm… Billie managed to buck you off, surprisingly enough you landed on both your feet, but then the bastard kicked you in the head and proceeded to run over you. Fuck, Dean. Could you just stop trying to kill yourself already? You know I don’t like it that you-”

“Like I fell off on purpose.” Dean croaked, feeling that his stomach was going to reject the water sooner or later. “Can someone get me a bucket or something?” Dean said and gulped, a desperate attempt to keep the contents of his stomach down a little while longer. The doctor opened a small cabinet and handed Dean a container, which he accepted gladly only seconds before he retched again.

“Oh boy.” Bobby sighed and shook his head. “No more rodeos for you. Understood?”

Dean just flipped him off. He wasn’t exactly in the mood to discus shit like this now he was busy emptying his already dry stomach.

 

 

~~~~~~

 

 

“Castiel, meet Meg Masters. Meg, this is Cas.” Balthazar introduced his friends. “Why don’t you two sit down, I’ll get the beers.” He said with a smug look on his face.  
Castiel and Balthazar had grown pretty close over the last year. He hadn’t told this weird British guy about his last job, let alone about Dean. He figured it’d be better to get a clean slate. A fresh start… Again…

“So, Castiel… Interesting name.” Meg said and grabbed a small hand of mixed nuts out of the miniature bowl that was set on the table and popped them in her mouth. They were sitting in the corner booth of some shady bar that Balthazar liked to go to. He had tried to take Castiel along to get him to meet his friends multiple times, but Castiel always refused to come along, until today. Jodie and Balthazar were really the only friends that he had, there was also Carrie, but she was more like the granny he’d never had.

Castiel chuckled and nervously folded his hands, placing them on the table. “Yeah, I get that a lot. And eh… Meg. Is that short for anything or is it _just Meg_?”

Meg laughed. “I guess my parents thought that _just Meg_ was interesting enough. My friends used to tease me with it, calling me Megatron and stuff. It didn’t really bother me. I like the transformers.”

Castiel smiled, not sure if she was serious or being incredibly sarcastic. He thanked the heavens that Balthazar was back with drinks just before the silence got painfully awkward.

“So, Meg. Why don’t you tell our little Cassie here about what you do for a living, hm?” Balthazar purred and wiggled his eyebrows. That couldn’t be good. It just-

Meg raised an eyebrow “Really, Balto? You want to dive into the deep already?” She took a sip from her beer and leaned back into the padded backrest.

Castiel frowned. “What do you mean, _dive in the deep_? Balthazar, is this your idea of a blind date or something?”

Balthazar just shrugged and smirked. That was clear enough.

Castiel sighed and turned to Meg. “I’m so sorry, Meg. I’m not-”

“Nah, it’s okay. And this isn’t a date by the way. It’s more like a surprise job interview.” She said casually and took another sip.

“Excuse me, a what now?” Castiel blurted out with wide eyes.

Balthazar nodded. “A job interview, Cassie. I think you’ve got a lot of potential.”

“Potential as what exactly?” Castiel muttered and dragged his fingers through his hair, it was getting shaggy already.

“A model.” Meg said. “And I think he’s right. You’ve got a very cute face, and if I have to believe Balthazar, a godly body as well.”

Castiel gulped. A “godly body”? How could Balthazar even know that? He had never taken off his shirt, even when the summer came along, nearly melting him into a puddle of misery.

“I- I can’t! I’m sorry. I’m not taking off my clothes!” Castiel exclaimed.

Meg and Balthazar looked at each other and simultaneously burst into laughter. Castiel was not amused. Whatever practical joke Balthazar was pulling on him this time, Castiel didn’t like it. He was finally getting used to life in Louviers. He was getting back on track and slowly but surely he was working back to _happiness_. Not that he would ever be happy again. Even after a year, he wasn’t over Dean Winchester. He had accepted it at some point. He had just accepted the fact that he would never be happy again. Not without Dean. If he wasn’t happy, he knew nothing could get worse, nothing could go wrong. It was a sad life, but better than being miserable. _But I_ am _miserable._

“Nobody’s asking you to take off your clothes, silly. Actually we want you to do the opposite and put them on. The casting agency I’m working for needs fashion models. Which means you get to wear expensive suits, look pretty and get paid for it. And with a face like yours… Sweetheart, you’re gonna be filthy rich.” Meg said and winked.

Castiel frowned again, ready to open his mouth and reject the offer.

“That! That’s it!” Balthazar said. “That’s the look I was talking about.” He said to Meg.

Castiel raised an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”

“My God, you’re right.” Meg said. “Intimidating, but sexy. Castiel, I would like to take you outside to make a couple pictures. You don’t have to make any decisions yet. I just want to… See how you’re doing in front of the camera and take your pictures to the casting. Is that okay with you?”

Two weeks later Castiel received a letter. He was invited for a casting day. One month later he was flying to New York for his first assignment.


	16. Seeing stars

“I hate you.” Castiel grumbled with an unamused frown scrunching up his face. “I hate you so much.”

Balthazar just giggled. “Why do you hate me now? Look at where we are, Cassie. We’re in the concrete jungle! It’s New York City, baby. Put a smile on that face. You’re gonna be famous!” He said as he pulled his suitcase off the carousel. “In about fifteen minutes we’ll be at the hotel, sipping champagne and ordering porn on demand at the expenses of the company. And eh… Meg will be joining us later today.”

Castiel rolled his eyes and swung his backpack over his shoulder. Yes, he liked Meg, but not like _that_. All the flirting and winking had only come from _her_ and Balthazar thought it’d be a nice opportunity to play cupid and try to hook them up. Castiel appreciated it, but he didn’t want it. He only wanted-... No, he didn’t want anything. This whole thing was stupid. The modeling, New York, Meg and most of all, Balthazar.  
Castiel loved him like a brother, but also hated him like one. He tried so hard to cheer his little Cassie up, but he had no idea what was going on behind those blue eyes.

The men quickly got coffee to stay fueled, as they still had the entire day ahead of them and jet lag wasn’t something you’d want on your first day of work, and hauled a cab to their hotel.  
Of course Balthazar had exaggerated about the hotel. It wasn’t very special. Just a crappy little room with a crappy double bed, a crappy bathroom, a crappy, tiny TV and _no champagne_.  
“Well… This wasn’t exactly what I was expecting.” Balthazar mumbled as he dropped himself onto the bed. “At least it’s gonna be cozy tonight! Do you sleep on the left or the right side? I can never really make up my mind about decisions like that.”

Castiel shrugged and dropped his backpack in the corner of the room. “I’ll sleep on the floor. It’s no biggie.” He sighed and looked out the window. They did have a wonderful view at the brick wall of an apartment building. “I’ve done it before.”

Balthazar shook his head. “Oh no no no! You’re the big star! You need your beauty rest. It’s gonna be a busy two days. We’ll figure something out. Okay? Meg should be here any moment, I’m sure she can eh… Take care of this sticky situation, hm?”

“Whatever that means.” Castiel said and closed the curtains. Only moments later there was a knock on the door.

“Ah! That should be her!” Balthazar said and lay down on his back. “Go ahead, open the door!” He urged Castiel and waved at him to get to the door already. “Can’t keep a lady waiting.”

Castiel took a deep breath. It was only for two days, after that he’d be back in Louviers in his basement with Sherlock curled up on his lap. He opened the door, Meg smiled up at him.

“What’s up, Cas. Can I come in?”

Castiel nodded and stepped aside to let her inside.

“Whaaaat is this?” She exclaimed. “Balthazar, why the hell did you book this room? You can’t stay here! Cas, did you let him pick the room?”

Castiel shook his head. “No, I picked it. It looked good on the website. It didn’t mention there’d only be one bed, though.”

Meg glowered at Balthazar. “ _You_ let him pick _this_?! I told you guys to go crazy! And you- Ugh. Okay, Castiel, you’re coming with me to the Manhattan. I’m not going to let my star sleep in this dump. I bet there are bedbugs in here.” She said with a disgusted look on her face.

Balthazar sat up immediately and got off the bed at the mention of bedbugs. “Hey! What about me?!” He whined. “I don’t want to sleep alone. Or with bedbugs!”

Meg shrugged and smirked. “Sorry, hot shot. Only room for two where I’m going. Do the math, amigo!” She laughed. “Come on, Cas. Get your bags, you’re coming with me, right now!”

Castiel shot a quick look at Balthazar, begging him to intervene. But Balthazar gave him a big wink and a thumbs up. Obviously thinking it was a great idea to squish Meg and him together even more. Castiel nervously bit his lip and picked up his backpack, nodding at Meg that he was ready to go.

“Are you serious? That’s all you’ve got with you?” Meg said in awe. Castiel opened his mouth to say something about simplicity, but Meg interrupted. “You know what, don’t answer that. We’re going shopping tomorrow. Now we’re gonna get you ready for your first shoot, alright?”

They went downstairs and hauled a taxi to the Manhattan Hotel. The tension in the air was suffocating to Castiel, but Meg didn’t seem to be bothered or stressed at all.

“So… What was this shoot for again?” Castiel asked carefully. When he went to the agency to sign the contracts for the shoot he hadn’t paid attention to anything at all. He was too overwhelmed by literally everything. The fact that he was gonna be a professional model, the fact that he was apparently handsome enough to be a model. He had never believed it when Dean told him he was sexy, or attractive… The fact that he was going to New York. Yeah, pretty much everything. If this went well he could start to build a life, get an actual career and have a steady income. Maybe somewhere along the way he’d bump into Dean again.

“Billboards, mostly. Magazines too. Wasn’t that all mentioned in your contract?”

“Probably, I didn’t really pay attention to be honest.” Castiel said nervously.

Meg giggled and kissed his cheek. “Don’t worry, Cas. I’ll make sure everything’s gonna be okay. If there’s anything you need, anything at all, just give me a shout and I’ll be there to help you, understood? I’m here to make your life as comfortable as possible.”

Castiel felt the heat creeping up his cheeks and he nodded, quickly staring out the window to not let her see. This situation was uncomfortable enough as it wa- _Aaaaand she just put her hand on my knee._ Castiel looked down at his leg, Meg’s hand was casually resting on his knee as if she did it every day, as if they had been married for years. There was no shame on her, no blush. Just a sweet smile and a pair of sparkling brown eyes that reminded Castiel of the horrible airport latte he had this morning.

“Am I making you uncomfortable?” Meg asked carefully.

Castiel shook his head, not wanting to make the situation even more awkward than it already was. “What? No! Not at all.” He lied and faked a smile. But on the inside he was screaming. What was Meg even thinking? What was _he_ thinking?! He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t do any of this! He had been going through the motions, just keeping a blank stare and holding his emotions to himself. If he just nodded and smiled everything would be okay, but it wasn’t. This was horrible. He didn’t want a photoshoot. He didn’t want to be in New York with Balthazar’s friend touching him and kissing his cheek!

“You know, I can tell you do ranch work. You’ve got a strong pair of legs there, cowboy!” Meg purred and squeezed Castiel’s thigh, making him flinch a little.

Cowboy… That’s what Dean used to call him.

“Are you okay?”

Castiel nodded. “Just a little nervous for the shoot, that’s all.” He said quickly and folded his hands, squeezing until his knuckles were white from the tension.

“Don’t worry about, okay? You’re surrounded by professionals to help you along the way. Just breathe and try to have a little fun, okay? You already have the good looks. What could possibly go wrong?”

_Malcom could see me on a billboard or in a magazine and stalk me and possibly rape and kill me._ Castiel gulped at the thought. Why the hell was this coming back all the sudden? He was doing fine, it had been over a year and a half now. You would’ve thought that a 23 year old would know how to handle his shit. Maybe it would be a good way to help Dean find him. That was… If Dean would still be looking for him.  
Here he was, in New York. He had somehow gotten himself into this bizarre situation that scared the living daylight out of him. But going back to Dean, possibly risking getting hurt by John. As if Dean wasn’t worth getting hurt for. Dean had saved his life and he had saved Dean’s. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for Dean.

Castiel bit his lip and contemplated for a while, staring out of the condensated window. “Meg?”

“Hm?” Meg turned her head and gave Castiel a questioning look.

“You said I could go… crazy with the money, right?” Castiel mumbled,

Meg narrowed her eyes a bit. “Uhm, yeah. Why are you asking?”

 

~~~~~~

 

Dean stared at the empty arena. After the accident he wouldn’t be able to do bull rides for at least a year. The cast had been taken off his leg, but he still needed crutches and a brace to walk around. He still wanted to see the rodeos, though. Once a month he’d buy a ticket and stay until after everybody was gone. He didn’t have anything better to do anyways. Besides, he liked the peace and quiet after an exciting competition. The contrast was refreshing.

“Uhm, excuse me, sir?” A little boy’s voice shook Dean out of his thoughtless gaze into the empty arena. Dean looked to the right. The boy was wearing an off white cowboy head that looked a lot like the one Dean had before the accident. He couldn't have been older than 9.

“Y-you are Dean Winchester right?” He asked carefully and nervously shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

“As a matter of fact, I am.” Dean answered with a soft smile. “Where are your parents, boy?”

 

The boy’s smile lightened up and his eyes twinkled a bit. “My mom’s over there.” He said and pointed at a pretty brunette that was standing near the stairs. “Can I have your autograph, please?”

Dean chuckled and nodded. “Of course! But I don’t have a pen with me right now, maybe your mom has one I can use?”

The boy nodded and ran off to his mother, dragging her to Dean through the row of seats. She looked a little embarrassed, but Dean found it adorable. “Good afternoon.” Dean chuckled.

“Hey.” The woman said shyly. She must’ve been around Dean’s age and she looked a bit nervous. “I’m sorry about Ben, he suddenly ran off and I-”

“No, it’s okay. I really like the kid.” Dean said with a smirk and extended his hand. “I’m Dean.”  
The woman shook his head and smiled. “I know, Ben is huge fan! I’m Lisa by the way.”

“Nice to meet you both. Ben said you’d have a pen with you.”

Lisa nodded and rummaged around in her handbag for a while, pulling out a sharpy pen and handing it to Dean.  
Dean took the lid off the pen and smiled at Ben. “What do you want me to sign, big boy?” He said with a big grin.

Ben took off his hat and handed it to Dean. “My hat, please.”  
Dean nodded and put his autograph on the rim of the hat.

“I saw the accident when it happened.” Ben muttered.

Lisa gasped and frowned. “Benjamin! You can’t just bring that up!” She said a little angry.

“No, it’s okay. Really. I hope it taught him a lesson. Don’t be stupid like me and go to school, get a diploma and a proper job so you don’t end up like this. There you go, kiddo. Anything else I can help you with?” Dean said with a soft smile and handed the hat back to Ben.

Ben turned to Lisa with a big grin and begging eyes. Lisa chuckled and nodded. “Alright, alright! A deal is a deal I guess.” She sighed and looked down at Dean.

Dean raised an eyebrow in confusion, but Ben was quick to fill him in. “My mom and I made a deal, if I was brave enough to go and ask you for an autograph she would ask you out.” He said with a smirk. “She’s not telling you because she’s shy, but she’s a really big fan of you as well.”

So the pretty brunette was a single mom? Dean felt a blush creep over his cheeks and he cleared his throat to play it off. Lisa was flushed red as well. “Thank you, Ben. Looks like I don’t have to do it anymore.” She said, slightly embarrassed.

“No, it’s okay.” Dean said. “I’ll go out with you.”

It was out before he knew it. He didn’t mean it, but then why did he say it? What about Castiel? _Castiel is gone. Never coming back. He could’ve, but he didn’t. Castiel made his decision quite clear._ Maybe it was the right time to move on. Dean had never _really_ loved anybody the way he loved Castiel. Maybe it proved that he had never been in love to begin with. He could try it again. He couldn’t let his happiness depend on someone else, it was his job to make sure he’s doing okay. _His_ job create his own happiness.

Lisa stared at Dean for a couple seconds before she knew how to talk again. “Oh my gosh… Really? Uhm… Wow, okay! Uh… What about this Saturday? I can pick you up, I imagine it’s hard to drive a car with your leg all wrapped up.”

_Come on, Dean. Snap out of it already!_ “Uh, yes! Saturday is... Sounds good, I don’t have any plans! How about I give you my number so I can text you my address?”

Lisa nodded and unlocked her phone, handing it to Dean to fill in his number. He gave Lisa her phone back and winked. He full on _flirted_ with this woman.

Lisa smiled back. “I’ll see you on Saturday. Wait, how are you getting home from here? Is someone picking you up?”

Dean nodded. “Yeah my brother should be here any moment now. I’m fine. Looking forward to our date. And Ben, be good to your mother, okay?”

Ben nodded and grabbed Lisa’s hand. “Thank you so much, Dean. We’re going now, I’ll send you a text as soon as we come home.”

“Bye, mr. Winchester!” Ben cheered as they walked away.

 

~~~~~~

 

Castiel loosened up the bright yellow tie the stylist had put on him a while back, he was still seeing stars from all the flashing lights. The entire shoot was exactly how he imagined it would be. Chaotic, busy, too fast to keep up and overall stressful. He wanted to take off the monkey suit already and change back in his jeans and Star Wars T-shirt.

Meg burst into his dressing room, actually it was more like a corner portioned off by a clothes rack. There were more men modeling that day so he had to share the room. They were assholes, every single one of them. All too eager to take off their clothes and show off their perfectly formed and tanned bodies, it made Castiel feel sick.

“Hey, Clarence, how’re you feeling?” Meg asked and handed him a cup of coffee.

“How do I look?” Castiel asked carefully, insecurity was clearly taking over now he was surrounded by these “gods”.

Meg took a step back and looked at Castiel from head to toe before smiling softly. “I think you’re looking sharp as hell. I’d sit on your face if you let me.” She laughed. Castiel rolled his eyes tugged the knot out of the tie with a soft groan.

“Heeey, calm down, Cassie. I was only kidding. But you look really good I wasn’t kidding about that. You remind me of my second ex-boyfriend, but you look better. And you’re less… violent than him.”

Castiel carefully eyed Meg again. “What happened to him?”

“Got arrested for stabbing my first ex-boyfriend. He’s in prison now.” Meg said. And again Castiel couldn’t tell if she was being sarcastic or not. “Anyway, drink your frappuccino before it gets warm. Those were your last couple shots for this job. They have everything they need. Apparently you’re so good at posing and shit that they only needed half the time.”

Castiel scowled at Meg. “You don’t have to comfort me. I know I did a horrible job.”

“What?! No! I’m serious, you’re a natural at this. The photographer said it was a joy to work with you, you don’t need an explanation. They give you a sign and you know exactly what to do! Have you done this before?”

Castiel raised an eyebrow. She was being serious this time. “Uhm… No? Was I really that good?”

Meg nodded. “Absolutely! If you keep going like this we’re gonna see you on the catwalk soon, magazine covers, billboards, commercials! You’re gonna be a fucking star, Castiel! Now let’s go. I reserved a table at Ai Fiori, they have some mean pasta and awesome lobster there.”

 

“Why would you want to go to Lebanon of all places?” Balthazar said and put his wine down.

“Just to visit an old friend. Meg said we could go crazy, so why not make a short stop in Kansas before flying back to Denver?” Castiel mumbled and put his fork down. Meg was right, it was the best lobster he had ever had in his life, but suddenly he wasn’t hungry anymore.

Meg nodded. “See, Baltho? Just to visit a friend. We can drop him off, maybe we can go shopping or something.”

Castiel gulped. “There aren’t really any shops in Lebanon. It’s a really small town and-”

“I rest my case!” Balthazar said and finished his last bit wine.

Meg frowned. “I don’t care about your opinion. You wanted to come along so badly, so you’ll just have to sit it through. This is Castiel’s week, he did a great job at his first photoshoot, he deserves a reward.” She said sweetly brushed her thumb across Castiel’s cheek, making him even more uncomfortable, but at least she had his back. Where Balthazar was continuously ridiculing him, she would encourage him. It was a welcome change and Castiel decided to embrace it.

 

“Are you fucking kidding me? I just want to go home!”

“Then go home! You’ve got money, you can buy a plane ticket. You don’t have to come along you’re a free man.” Meg said dryly and stuffed some more pasta in her mouth. That was the end of the conversation and the good mood. Not that there was any cheer to begin with. Balthazar had been a pain in the ass since the flight to New York, acting like he was the star of the show. Not that Castiel was jealous, he was just annoyed and wanted the whole thing to be less uncomfortable.

They spent the last two days they had left in New York separated. Balthazar was too busy shopping and clubbing and still pretty pissed off about what Meg had said. Meg was mostly working at her laptop. Castiel went to Barnes and Noble and bought a couple books. He didn’t know why, he just needed some distraction. He didn’t even know what books he had bought, he only knew he had spent about 60 dollars and he probably had to leave half of them behind because he didn’t have enough room in his bags. Maybe Meg would let him put some of them in her suitcase.

What would it be like to see Dean again. Would he be happy? Would he cry? Castiel knew that he was probably gonna be the one to burst into tears and apologize for not coming back sooner. Imagining what it would feel like to hug him again, feel Dean’s lips on his own again.  
But what if John was there. Okay, there was a big chance the asshole was on one of his expensive business trips again, but _what if_. He could pretend that Meg was his new girlfriend and he was just there to pick up something he had accidentally left behind. Maybe he could give Sam a note with his new number and tell Dean to call him as soon as possible. The plan was staunch. Nothing could go wrong either way.

The flight to Kansas was feverish. Balthazar had decided he wanted to go straight back to Denver because Lebanon would be too boring. He was still convinced that Castiel was just going there to visit “an old friend”, so Castiel couldn’t really blame him. He was glad that Meg had stayed by his side and agreed on his plan. She didn’t really understand why she had to pretend to be his girlfriend if John would be home, but she was more than happy to comply and play her part when necessary.

Castiel only got more and more nervous on the way from the airport to Lebanon. It was a long way and since it was only Friday they decided to stay in a motel along the road and get some sleep so they’d be fresh when they arrived on Saturday. Castiel did not sleep that night. He tried. He lied on his back, staring at the ceiling in the dark, closed his eyes, rolled to his side and back again, but his brain just wouldn’t shut off. When he had finally grown tired enough to maybe fall asleep it was already 5 am, maybe he could take a nap in the car.

“So what was the address again?” Meg asked as she drove the rental car into Lebanon.

“Oh, it’s not exactly in Lebanon. He lives on a ranch 20 minutes from here. I don’t know the address either, but I know how to get there.” Castiel said and rubbed his clammy hands over his jeans again, desperately trying to keep them dry, but in vain. His nerves weren’t helping him either. His head was spinning a little and his heart was beating in his throat.

“You okay?” Meg asked carefully. “You weren’t even this nervous for the shoot and we’re visiting a

 _friend_?”

Castiel waved it off and nodded. “I’m fine, just keep driving. I’ll give you directions as we go.” 

“Fine. Just calm down, okay? You’re making me nervous. I don’t like it when people make me nervous.” 

“Sorry.” Castiel mumbled and looked out the window, seeing the scenery fly by. He remembered every detail. Every tree, every silo. They were very close now. He was waiting to see the “spotted cows” but they didn’t come. Where had the horses gone? 

“This is it!” Castiel said and pointed at the big house on the right of the road. 

Meg whistled. “Jeez, you’ve got some rich friends. That looks fancy!” 

Castiel was confused something was different. Not just the horses had gone, the cars were no longer on the driveway. The garden that once looked neat and taut looked overgrown as if it hadn’t been trimmed in months.

 

“This isn’t right.” He muttered as Meg parked the car on the gravel.

“What’s wrong?” Meg asked with a confused frown. Castiel didn’t answer. He got out of the car and walked to the front door. He was no longer nervous. John wasn’t home for sure. But neither were Dean and Sam. 

“No…” 

Castiel looked through the window. The furniture was covered in white linen cloths. The piano was covered in dust. 

“Cas?” 

Castiel ignored Meg and ran around the house, to the stables. Maybe they were just on a vacation?   
A very long vacation?   
Out of breath he made it to the stables. The barn was cold, empty and quiet. It was so eerily quiet. Molly was supposed to stick her head out and neigh at him. Casper was supposed to have his own stable box by now but they weren’t there. Everything was empty. The paddocks were overgrown with weeds that Castiel knew were poisonous to horses.   
Tears started to well up in his eyes. Dean was gone. Everything was gone. The house was uninhabited. The horses had disappeared. 

“Jesus Christ, Cas. What are you-... Oh shit.” 

“He’s gone, Meg.” Castiel breathed. 

Meg shook her head and wrapped an arm around Castiel’s back. “He’s not gone until we’re sure he’s gone. You hear me? There must be some people around here who can tell us where he went, right?” 

Castiel lifted his head. “Bobby!” 

“Who’s Bobby?” 

“He’s a farmer. He doesn’t live that far away. He is really close with the Winchesters, he must know where Dean is!” Castiel said. Hope filled him with determination and he started running back to the car. “Come on, hurry! It’s getting late already!” 

Fifteen minutes later they parked the car on Bobby Singer’s driveway. Castiel felt safe enough to go alone so Meg stayed behind in the car. He knocked on the front door, it didn’t take very long before it was answered.   
Jo opened the door and looked up at Castiel with big eyes. 

“Cas?!” She exclaimed. She didn’t seem too happy, just really surprised and maybe a little shocked to see him. 

“H-hey Jo. What are you doing here?” 

“I work here now. Can I help you?” 

“Uhm, I was wondering if you-” 

“Hang on, I’ll get Sam for you.” Jo said blantly and turned around. 

 

Sam? Did she just say she was going to get _Sam_?! They hadn’t moved to the other side of the world? They were living at Bobby’s place? But why? Did this mean that Dean was here too?

 

“Wait, Sam is _here_? What about Dean?” Castiel said quickly. His heart started to race again. Where Sam was, Dean was too. That was the rule. The two barely went something without taking the other. 

Jo turned her head and raised an eyebrow. “Oh, you just missed him. He left like twenty minutes ago.” 

“When will he be back?” Castiel asked and bit his lip. So he really was here too. 

“I don’t expect him back in a while. He went out. On a _date_. With a _woman_.” Jo said, practically spitting out the words date and woman. Was she kidding? Was she being sarcastic? Had Dean really left twenty minutes ago to go on a _date_ with a _woman_? 

“Oh.” 

“Yeah, _oh_ indeed. Do you want me to leave a message for him?” 

Castiel shook his head. Dean had moved on. All the possibilities and it had never even crossed Castiel’s mind that Dean and him were just a fling and now Dean was _dating_ a _woman_.   
“No, it’s okay. Just tell him I’m happy for him. Uhm… Have a nice day.” Castiel muttered and turned around to walk back to the car. 

“You too _cowboy_!” Jo shouted before she slammed the door. 

After all that time, Castiel still loved Dean. He felt a little betrayed that Dean hadn’t loved him back. Had Dean even searched for him? It didn’t matter anymore. It was over. Done.   
Castiel was going back to Colorado and live his life. According to Meg he was going to become a star after all. Catwalks, red carpets, glamour.   
If it was really gonna work out that way, he’d just fill the hole in his heart with attention and money.


	17. Yeah, it really is bad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit shorter than the others, but I couldn't take the feels anymoooore! x__x Please don't kill me! But hey, two updates in one week? I think I'm on fire!

_ One year later… _

 

Dean was officially exhausted, something that didn’t happen as much as it used to. Lisa made sure that he had three healthy meals a day, a vegetarian Friday and a steady schedule when it came to sleeping.   
But after driving for a nearly solid twenty four hours, Dean needed a little bit more than just coffee mixed with Red Bull. He parked the car on the first spot he saw fit and walked the last couple blocks to Smith County Memorial Hospital, where Sam was already waiting for him in the lobby. He didn’t look any better than Dean was feeling.

 

“How’s he doing?” Dean asked hoarse, trying very hard to suppress a yawn to not look like an uninterested douchebag.    
  
Sam shook his head. “It’s not good, Dean. This is the third time in six months and he won’t stop working the way he is. I already told him a thousand times that we have the money to hire extra people, but he won’t have it. If he keeps going like this his heart is gonna give out and I’m gonna be waist deep into bull shit. And I mean that literally. I love him, but he’s been getting on my nerves lately.”   
  
Dean sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Well, what else did you expect from Robert Steven Singer, ey? He’s always been like this, we were just never around long enough to really see it. I think it’s time for an intervention, don’t you?”   
  
Sam shrugged and nodded. “Fine, but you’re gonna do the talking. We both know that I’m no good when it comes to confronting people.”   
  
Dean rubbed his eyes and finally allowed himself to yawn. “Great, let’s give that grandpa what he deserves. Where do we go?”   
  
“Uh, this way.” Sam pointed into one of the many hallways and started to walk. “So… How are things going on San Fran?”   
  
“It’s okay.” Dean said curtly.   
  
“So you’re still going to ask her to marry you?” Sam asked carefully.   
  
“Why are you saying it as if it’s a bad thing? Lisa is great! She cooks, she cleans, she’s a real champion giving head-”   
  
Sam made a gagging noise and scrunched up his face. “Ew! Dean, that’s gross! I didn’t mean for it to sound like a bad thing, but are you sure? I mean-”   
  
“I know what you mean, Sam. We talked about this a million times. It’s been how long? Two and a half years! It’s been two and a half years since I last saw him. He’s not coming back. Please stop bringing him up or so help me God!” Dean groaned and dragged his hands down his face. Sam had been torturing him with the memory of Castiel. He said Dean wasn’t the man he used to be. Too bad, people change. Dean had changed. He had stopped drinking all together, had been sober for over a year now thanks to Lisa’s support.

 

“Do you even love her? Whenever I see the two of you together all the heart eyes are only coming from her, you’re sitting it through but don’t just settle for her because you’ll end up breaking her heart. And not only hers, what about Ben?”   
  
“I’m warning you, Sam. Fucking drop it already!”   
  
Sam stopped walking abruptly. “Dean, please.”   
  
“Nope nope nopity noooope!” Dean said and just kept walking.   
  
“Uhm, Dean? This is Bobby’s room.” Sam said.   
  
“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Dean grumbled and turned around, walking back to Sam and together into Bobby’s room, where he was lying in bed and staring out the window, turning his head as soon as he heard the pair of footsteps entering.   
  
“Ah, look who’s here. Again. Listen, boy, you don’t have to give me a speech. This idjit here already gave it to me and he blew me away!” Bobby grumbled and crossed his wired arms over his chest. “Besides, I’m completely fine.”   
  
Dean sarcastically raised an eyebrow. “Fine? Do you call triple heart failure  _ fine,  _ Bobby? I just drove all the way from fucking  _ San Francisco- _ ”   
  
“I didn’t ask you to!” Bobby defended himself.   
  
Sam groaned. “No, you didn’t. I did. Because you’re too stubborn to accept help. If I hadn’t insisted on calling an ambulance, because you felt  _ fine _ , you would’ve been in a body bag by now on your way to the morgue!”   
  
“Bobby, I drove all that way for  _ you.  _ Because I care about you, Sammy here cares about you and we just don’t want to put you under the ground for a little while longer. You need extra people, Bobby. You’re getting older, you deserve to kick back and relax. Make those bottled ship thingies, collect stamps, maybe some gardening? Maybe slow down on the red meat as well.”   
  


Bobby looked at Sam with a hint of terror in his eyes. “You were right, Sam. It really is bad.”   
  
Dean smiled softly. “Thank God, we thought we could never get it into that thick skull of yours that something needs to change here.”   
  
“I wasn’t talking about me, you numnut. I was talking about  _ you! _ What’s up with the cardigan? And those shoes and the talk about red meat, boy, what has that woman done to you?”   
  
Sam gulped and stared at Dean, ready for a new outburst and yet another fight. And at that exact moment Dean’s phone started to ring. He frowned as he pulled it out of his pocket and looked at the screen. 

 

_ Lisa Braeden calling... _   
_ Swipe right to accept _

 

“Excuse me, I need to take this.” Dean mumbled and walked to the hallway, followed by the sighing and groaning of his brother and Bobby.   
  
“Hey, Lisa. What’s up.”   
  
_ “Hello, honey. I was waiting for a text message, but it never came, so I decided to call. Is everything okay there?” _

 

Dean took a deep breath. “Crap, sorry I forgot to text you. Bobby says he’s fine, the doctors tell him otherwise. He’s being a stubborn ass, as always.” Dean smiled when he heard Lisa giggling on the other side.   
  
_ “Well, tell him that we worry about him. Oh, by the way. I know this was an emergency and you probably forgot, which is no problem. But it’s Ben’s birthday today. Do you think you can call him later today? I’m preparing his birthday breakfast right now. I bought more presents, so I’ll just tell him one’s from you so you have something to talk about, okay?” _ __  
__  
“Ah shit.” Dean sighed. “I’m sorry, I forgot. I’ll make it up to him. I’m gonna take him fishing or something this weekend. Maybe one of those indoor playground things? Kids like that stuff, right?”   
  


_ “He’s turning 10, Dean. Of course he likes those things. But honestly, he likes everything you do. You’re like a father to him, Dean. He will like whatever you have in store for him. I’ll save you some chocolate cake for when you come back. Just don’t forget to call him, okay?” _

 

Dean chuckled. “Alright, alright. I’ll call that monkey later. And take care okay? I can only imagine what a kids’ party is like. Try not to die while I’m away.”   
  
_ “I’ve done this before, sweetheart. Take care of yourself. I love you, Dean.” _ __  
__  
“I know pumpkin. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Dean hung up the phone and walked back into the room to a Sam and a Bobby who were both gaping at him.   
  
“Yeah, it really  _ is _ bad.” Sam said softly.   
  
“For fuck’s sake, drop it! Lisa and I were made for each other!”   
  
After some more awkward pointing fingers and unpleasant conversation Bobby finally agreed on hiring on more people. He had already hired Ash, Sam and Jo, but it obviously wasn’t enough. Bobby just couldn’t help but try to do as much on his own as possible. All the hard work would become the death of him real soon if he didn’t stop.   
  
Sam and Dean drove back to Bobby’s farm and Dean finally got some sleep.    
  
Dean was softly snoring on the couch when Sam shook him, waking him up.   
  
“Dean. Dean! Wake up, you’ve gotta see this!” Sam said, sounding somewhat urgent.   
  
“Sammy, goddammit, let me sleep!” Dean groaned and turned away from Sam, but his brother wouldn’t stop.    
  
“No, Dean. It’s  _ Cas. _ ”   
  
Dean instantly opened his eyes and shot up straight. “What about Cas?”   
  
Sam pointed at the TV, he didn’t have to say anything more.   
  
There he was, Castiel. Casually strolling down a red carpet with a woman by his side. His hand was resting on her hip as they posed for the wall of photographers and cameras. There was a bright, white smile on his face. He was wearing a damn suit that fit him perfectly, showing off the curves and sharp edges of his body, his hair was light brown and the scar on his eyebrow seemed to have disappeared, maybe it was polished away with makeup?   
Dean felt like he wanted to cry. His throat was tight and his eyes were burning. Why was he so sad? He had moved on. He was living with Lisa, living the perfect life and yet, now that he saw Castiel, on  __ TV  out of all places, it just broke him.   
There was a close up of his face. All the little details, all the tiny flaws had been washed away. He looked like a living doll, a bit paler than the ranch boy Dean was used to, but he was still so beautiful. Castiel whispered something in the woman’s ear and she was quick to reply. The smile was briefly replaced by a confused frown, bringing back the Castiel that Dean used to know. All the sudden those piercing blue eyes looked right at him, his lips were moving, but Dean couldn’t make out what he was saying. Dean wanted to touch him, he wanted the crawl to the TV and stick out his hand and feel the stubble on Castiel’s face, gently brush his thumb over Cas’ bottom lip and pull him in for a kiss.   
  
“Sammy.” Dean croaked, not able to look away from Castiel. “P-please turn it off.”   
  
“But Dean-”   
  
Dean finally found the strength to turn his eyes away from the TV. “TURN IT THE FUCK OFF!” He roared aggressively.

 

Sam winced at Dean’s sudden outburst and quickly grabbed the remote, turning off the device just as the woman leaned in to kiss Castiel.

  
  


~~~~~~

  
  


“Meg, can we please leave?” Castiel whispered in Meg’s ear. The attention and flashlights were too much, the pressure to stay calm and to keep smiling started to strangle him. They had only been there for a couple minutes and Castiel was already done with the entire thing. The past couple weeks he had been nothing but tired. Tired of the photoshoots, meetings, contracts and just washed-out. He had also lost some weight he couldn’t quite explain, he just blamed the stressful lifestyle, but he couldn’t afford it to take a week off.   
  
“Almost, the photographers are the worst. After this we have some interviews and then we can go back to the hotel. I have a little surprise for you when we get back.”   
  
Castiel frowned. When Meg said she had a surprise for him it was always a little scary. It couldn’t be anything sexual. After the drama that went down in Lebanon Castiel explained that it was not just a friend he was planning on visiting. It was the first time he had opened up about Dean and it would’ve been the last time. At least Meg got the hint, he was not interested in women. Castiel had begged her to not tell anyone else. He wasn’t ready to come out to the world and Meg did as she was told.   
  
“Cas? You’re staring again.” Meg giggled and reached up to kiss Castiel on the cheek. No big deal, she did that a lot. It also kept the story going that Castiel was a raging heterosexual, which he didn’t mind at all.   
The kiss shook him out of his thoughts, but the phantom touch of Dean’s kiss lingered on his lips. Castiel quickly wiped his mouth with the back of hand, it was enough to get rid of the tingling, but not the memory.    
_ Come on, smile. Today is your big day, no Dean related thoughts allowed, he only brings you down when you’re supposed to look up. _   
Castiel looked down at Meg and forced another smile on his face. Meg gave him a small nod and a wink, her way telling him he’s doing a good job.   
  
The interviews afterwards seemed to take forever. His feet started to ache from standing too long in the ridiculous designer shoes he was paid for to wear the bowtie felt too tight around his neck and he had to pee like crazy. Everybody was too curious about this new popular runway model who got discovered “on the street” and suddenly blew the world away with his gorgeousness. Castiel let Meg do all the talking, only saying yes or no and nodding occasionally.   
Meg was going on and on about an upcoming commercial for women’s perfume that Castiel had been casted for while Castiel himself was quietly praying that this all would just stop. Yes, he was making a lot of money and he had no worries left in the world accept how he was going to survive the next event. He just wanted to go back to working with horses. Horses always seemed to understand. Even though they couldn’t talk, they calmed him down.   
For a moment Castiel thought about Molly and Casper, wondering how they were doing. Where had they gone after the Winchesters left the ranch? Were they still together or had they been separated?   
  
All the sudden Castiel was back in Lebanon, brushing Molly while Dean was trying to get a hold of Casper and horribly failing. Jumpcut to the tack room, after that the hayloft…   
  
“I can assure you that we are all really looking forward to see what the next step is in Mr. Novak’s career.”   
  


Meg chuckled and pulled Castiel a little closer. “I can promise that he’s gonna make it big time, we even had some casting request from  _ Hollywood _ . So who knows, maybe you can admire him on the silver screen in a year or two!”   
  
Castiel frowned. “Hollywood? Really?” He muttered.   
  
Meg rolled her eyes with an exaggerated smile. “You should really start paying attention to our business meetings, Castiel.” Meg laughed and started to drag him away from the interviewers. “What the hell are you thinking?” Meg hissed as soon as they were out of sight of the camera’s.    
  
“What do you mean?” Cas asked, completely oblivious of what he was doing wrong.   
  
“We have those meetings for a reason, so you’re up to date and informed about everything, which you should be since this is  _ your _ career. Cas, look at me.”    
  
Castiel chewed on the inside of his cheek and gave Meg an annoyed look.   
  
“Wipe that frown off your face. You agreed to do this. What’s wrong with you lately? Did you even notice that I did all the talking? People are going to think you’re some arrogant douchenozzle who can’t stand having interviewers talk to him directly. You’re not paying attention to anything! And-”   
  


The tightness of his bowtie was suffocating. His lower back was aching and his bladder felt like it was about to explode.

 

“Meg, please.”   
  
“Oh no, I’m not done with you yet.”   
  
Castiel took a deep breath and shook his head. “Meg, if I don’t go now I will piss my Armani dress pants in front of an audience. See how my career is gonna go after that.”   
  
Meg rolled her eyes, this was turning into a pattern and Castiel knew it, but this was an honest to God emergency. “Fine! But I’m still gonna rip you apart after that!”

 

“How generous!” Castiel mocked her as he walked off to the men’s room, getting out of the way for three guys in fancy suits who walked out laughing. Castiel guessed one of them ripped a huge fart so he prepared himself for the worst. He was lucky, the bathroom was stink free and completely empty. He picked the urinal at the end of the line anyway, just in case someone would walk in. Peeing was serious business and always awkward if another person is in the same room.   
It was approximately mid-pee when it happened. Castiel felt lightheaded, slowly his vision started to blur and ears started to ring.   
  
“Oh fuck.” He croaked as he began to fall backwards, his knees gave out and Castiel collapsed to the floor, he barely felt the collision with the marble tiles before everything went black.   
  
  
  
Meg was waiting outside and slowly getting impatient. He had been in there for how long? Meg checked her phone. Nearly 5 minutes. Was he seriously taking a dump right now?   
  
She saw two men walk inside and sighed and looked on her phone, maybe she could use this time to answer some texts, maybe tweet about the evening so far. But her attention was pulled back to the door of the men’s room when one of the men came running out.    
  
“Somebody call an ambulance! Quick!”   
  
Meg lowered her phone and walked to the guy. “What’s going on? Did someone get hurt?”   
  
The man looked at her with concern filled eyes. “It’s that Novak guy, he’s passed out on the floor.”   
  
“ _ FUCK! _ ” Meg hissed and ran into the men’s room. The other man just finished zipping him up. Castiel had actually just pissed his Armani suit pants in front of an audience. She dropped her purse to the floor and knelt down next to Castiel.   
  
“You know this guy?” The man asked.   
  
“I’m his manager, for fuck’s sake. Is he breathing?”

 

The man nodded. “It’s probably just hypertension, that combined with something as small as hyperventilation can result into fainting. But call an ambulance just in case.   
  
Castiel stirred a bit and slowly opened his eyes, looking rather confused. “Meg, what are you doing in the men’s room? You’re not supposed to be here.” He murmured.    
  
“You just fainted, dumbass. How are you feeling?” Meg said.   
  
Castiel slowly sat up and looked down at his soiled pants with a soft groan. “A bit wooze, but fine. Gotta get this dry cleaned, though.”   
  
“Wow, the first good idea you have had today! I think we can call off the ambulance. A talking Castiel is a healthy Castiel. Ain’t that right, Cassy?” Meg chuckled and ruffled his hair.   
  
“Meg!” Castiel exclaimed and slapped Meg’s hands away.   
  
“Don’t be such a child. I’m taking you back to the hotel. Enough adventure for mr. Novak today. Maybe the surprise will help you relax.”   
  
“I think I’ve enough  _ surprises _ to be honest. I just want to sleep for a week.”   
  
Meg grinned. “I got you a masseuse at 11:30. You have been complaining about your back for a while, thought I’d help you out a little.”   
  
Castiel sighed but smiled. Meg could be a pain in the ass, but she was the best manager Castiel could’ve had at the time. “Thanks, Meg.”   
  
“That’s a good boy. Now drink this.” Meg said and pushed a bottle of iced tea in his hands. “Now we’ve gotta find a way to smuggle you out of here without anybody seeing you had a little  _ accident. _ ”   
  
  
~~~~~~

  
  


Dean got finally back to San Francisco in the afternoon. The drive back had worn him out even more. Castiel’s face kept haunting him. He parked the car in the garage underneath their terraced house and got inside with heavy feet. Lisa was sitting on the couch, reading some random magazine. She looked up when Dean walked in but she didn’t look happy.   
Dean knew why. He had forgotten to call Ben.   
  
“Shit, Lisa. I’m sorry-”   
  
Lisa shook her head. “Save the apologies for Ben when he comes back. He waited for you, Dean. He even stayed awake just in case you’d call him at night, I could hardly get him out of bed and to school this morning!”   
  
“Listen, I just had a rough two days, okay? Barely slept. My phone ran out of battery and I had forgotten my charger.”   
  
“Are you kidding me? What if something had happened? How were you gonna call anybody?”    
  
“I said I forgot! You think I just let it die on purpose? Come on, you know I wouldn’t do that. I’m crazy about Ben I really wanted to call. I’m gonna make it up to him. No, I’m gonna make it up to the both of you. What do you think about a trip to the cinema, huh? I hear Frozen is very popular with kids these days!”   
  
Lisa chuckled. “Dean, that movie was in the cinema years ago! Ben hated it by the way, so don’t bother buying the blu ray. But if you really want to take us to the cinema I can look up some fun family friendly movies.”   
  
Dean smiled softly and dropped himself on the couch next to Lisa, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and kissing her cheek.   
  
“I missed you.” Lisa sighed and rested her head on Dean’s shoulder.   
  
“Missed you too, babe.” Dean whispered trying to sound as sincere as possible. “What were you reading?”   
  
Lisa giggled and handed Dean the open magazine. “Your Men’s Health came in early, decided to take a peak. The guy on the cover is absolutely  _ smoking _ hot, but he can’t beat your pretty face  _ or  _ godly body.” She said and kissed Dean’s jaw.

 

Dean chuckled and closed the cover of the magazine. It was a handsome man in a fitted suit, blue eyes-  _ Not again.  _ Dean stood up and walked to the kitchen, dropping the magazine in the trash can.   
  
“Hey, why are you throwing it away?”

  
“I’m eh… Already read it, Sam had the same one and it’s a shitty issue anyway.” Dean lied.    “I’m gonna take a shower and a looong nap. Could you let me sleep until Ben comes home? The eh... trip was very exhausting.” He mumbled and took a deep breath. There was no need to cry over a magazine cover. At least not in front of the woman he wanted to marry.   
  
“Of course, no problem. Maybe I’ll join you in a bit, hm?” She said and winked, suggestively stroking Dean’s thigh.   
Dean faked a smile. “Whatever you want, pumpkin. I’m gonna go now.” He said and turned around before quickly climbing the stairs. In the shower he wouldn’t feel the tears. It had become clear that his past love life wasn’t done with him just yet. Castiel was already taking over his dreams, now showing up on TV, fucking magazines. How could this guy invade his head even more?   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The feels are real. I love writing so much because sometimes it's the only way to get my feelings out. Sometimes I can't cry and I just write a really sad story to unload it. I started writing Hold your horses, Cowboy! as a form of self therapy, to process all the shit that happened last year and the feedback I've gotten so far just blows me away. All the messages begging me to write more, even after my break I got the sweetest reactions of complete strangers telling me they missed my work and they're happy I'm doing better.  
> Yesterday I reached 6000 hits, a huge milestone for me and it's still hard to believe that this simple thing has reached such popularity.  
> Thank you guys for the amazing support, I love you.
> 
> xoxo  
> PlatypussGirl
> 
> Ps: No, this is not the last chapter. I'm not done torturing you guys ^^


	18. Freckles that weren't there

_Christmas..._

 

Dean sighed softly at the feeling of fingers carding through his hair as he lie on his side. There was a warm body firmly pressed up against his back and the air smelled like freshly baked cookies.  
  
“You really like it when I do that, don’t you?” Castiel purred and pressed a kiss to nape of his neck. Dean nodded and reached behind his back. Castiel was so soft and yet firm. Where used to be thin skin were now rippling muscles. The ranch work had done him so good. Dean only had to close his eyes and he could see it all. Lean, tanned chest, sparkling blue eyes that gleamed even more when he smiled. White teeth and perfect lips. The little cleft on his chin and those dimples… The way his eyes narrowed a little bit when he laughed or tilted his head when he was confused.   
  
“Don’t ever leave me.” Dean whispered and turned around to look at his boy. Even though he was 23, he would always be his boy.   
  
There was nobody behind him. Dean frowned. “Cas?”   
  
“Dean… Help.” Castiel’s voice sounded from far away. He was in pain, Dean just _knew_ he was. The room was dark, too dark to see.   
You’ll be okay was played completely out of tune, mixed up with Castiel’s soft whimpers.   
  
Dean got out of bed and followed the noise, it was impossibly dark and it was hard to follow the sounds, it seemed to move around until the piano stopped. Castiel cried out in pain right behind him. Dean jumped and jerked himself around.   
  
The grand piano was in pieces on the floor, Castiel was strung up by its strings above. The wires were cutting in his flesh. His legs, ankles and feet. His ribs were visible underneath the ripped flesh on his chest. Blood was dripping on the ivory keys. Castiel gasped for air as the strings wrapped around his neck got pulled tight and blood started to gush out.   
  
Dean couldn’t move. He was nailed to the floor and he could only watch as Castiel slowly bled to death.

 

“Dean?”

 

“Cas… Cas, I’m sorry.” Dean wheezed, not able to produce more sound than a mere whisper.  
  
“Wake up, baby. Shhh, it’s okay. Just wake up.”   
  
Someone was shaking his shoulders. It was like he was sucked out of the room. He shot up straight in bed and gasped for air. His hair was sticking to his damp forehead and his pyjamas were drenched in sweat.   
  
“Dean? Are you okay, sweetie?” Lisa asked and softly rubbed his back, trying to calm him down.   
  
Dean nodded and closed his eyes again, using the sheets to wipe the sweat from his face. “I-I’m fine. Just a n-nightmare.” He stammered and swallowed his tears back.   
  
“Oh, baby, another one? I’m so sorry. Do you wanna talk about it?”

 

Dean shook his head. He never wanted to talk about his nightmares. It was always the same one. Sometimes there was less blood and more screaming. He didn’t know which one was worse.  
  
“You really scared me, honey.”   
  
Dean hated when this happened. It had been going on for a couple months. Ever since he saw Castiel on TV. It hadn’t been the last time. All the commercials and magazine covers and billboards seemed to be thrusted in his face everywhere. Dean wasn’t safe from Castiel, not even in his dreams. He couldn’t even look at a piano anymore without feeling eerie from it. The memory of Castiel had turned into a curse. It was like the universe didn’t want him to forget and move on. Even now he was going steady with Lisa and trying so hard to let go. Do what Cas did. It was obvious that he had no trouble moving on. Wherever Castiel went, that woman would be as well.   
His brother had been even more keen on hinting about Castiel ever since he started dating Amelia, the veterinarian that used to work for the ranch and did check ups on Bobby’s cows. Apparently Sam has been keeping up with Castiel’s career, following everything he did and bringing him up to Dean whenever the time seemed fit. It had taken Dean exactly three more outbursts of anger and a punch in his face for Sam to stop about him. He was trying to be happy with Lisa.   
  
“I’m sorry for scaring you, baby. I didn’t mean to.” Dean said softly and lied down on his back again, shifting uncomfortably on the wet mattress.   
  
“It’s okay, Dean. You can’t help it either. I’m gonna get breakfast ready, why don’t you take a shower, hm?”   
  
“Breakfast? But it’s like… 6 am!”   
  
“It’s Christmas, Ben is probably already downstairs carefully peeling off the wrapping paper so he can see what he got this year.”   
  
Great, Christmas. Lisa’s parents would come over later that day and Dean would have to listen to all the stories about Lisa’s ex who apparently had a much better job. Which was probably true. The office job that Dean currently had was nothing special at all, but it was the first job he got hired for after weeks and weeks of searching, so he jumped at the opportunity. Anything to pay the rent!

Meanwhile his ex boyfriend was practically swimming in cash.

  


~~~~~~

  


Old Christmas carols sounded from the overplayed record that was playing in the livingroom. Castiel had to be careful walking around the kitchen or he’d step on one of the cats that were rubbing against his leg.

 

He was visiting Carrie during the holidays. Meg had been too busy working late hours, Balthazar was too busy ruining his liver and everybody else he knew were celebrating with their families, which wasn’t a disaster. Castiel absolutely adored Carrie, and being back in Louviers made him feel like he could breathe again. After all the holiday shoots he finally had some time to relax and cuddle with the cats.  
  
Castiel handed Carrie her coffee and sat down next to her on the old orange couch.   
  
“Thank you, dear. Now sit down, you’ve been running around for me all day! Enough is enough.” Carrie said.   
  
Castiel chuckled softly. “Come on, granny. After all that you’ve done for me in the past three years? Let me run around and take care of you now I’ve got the chance. I haven’t seen you in ages.”   
  
“You should take it easy, Castiel. I know you’ve been tired, and I mean exhausted. Did you lose weight?”   
  
Carrie wasn’t wrong. For months now, Castiel had felt atrophied and seemed to slowly get worse. The color had slowly started to fade from his skin and the fine outlines of his ribs had returned. Even his scars seemed to be more visible.   
  
“Please don’t tell me you’re on one of those ridiculous celebrity super diets! You’re not healthy, boy. You should get it checked out.”   
  
“It’s nothing, Carrie. I’m just a little overworked, not a big deal. I’m not just Cas anymore. I’m Castiel Novak, that international super model everybody is talking about.” He laughed and brought his cup to his lips to try the temperature, putting it back down because the tea was still too hot.   
  
“Don’t flatter yourself, Cas.” Carrie giggled and gently elbowed his side. “Anyway, how are things going in San Francisco? Tell me about your new home, I want to know everyth-” Carrie stopped mid sentence. “Hm… I think you’ll have to tell me later. Can you get the door? I think it’s for you.”   
  
“But the doorbell didn’t even-”   
  
The doorbell chimed before Castiel could finish. Of course, Carrie the psychic who feels everything from a mile away.   
  
“Well? Aren’t you gonna open the door?”   
  
Castiel blinked and got back on his feet. “I’m on it!” He sighed. He knew exactly who was bothering him and he was _not_ in the mood for these kinds of frills.   
He reached out for the door handle and swung the door open. “Balthazar, for fuck’s sake I-”   
  
That was not Balthazar.   
  
Right in front of him stood a short man with combed back dark blonde hair and whisky colored eyes. There were snowflakes sticking to his lashes and covering his shoulders.   
  
“G-Gabriel?” Castiel muttered.   
  
Gabriel raised his shoulders with a doubtful smile. “Surprise!”   
  
Castiel just stared at his brother. Unable to fit the pieces together. Where had he come from? Why was he here? How did he know where to find Castiel? And seriously, _why the hell was he here?!_

 

“Are you gonna let me in? It’s eh… pretty damn cold and I’m not here to sing you a Christmas carol. I walked a long way, the cab dropped me off at the wrong address.” Gabriel said softly. Castiel could tell he was having trouble looking right at him. “Please?”  
  
“Just let the boy in, Castiel.” Carrie shouted from the livingroom. “And shut the door before it gets warm outside.”   
  
Castiel simply took a step to the side to let Gabriel in. His mind was still racing with questions. All those years and he hadn’t heard a single thing from anyone in his family and all the sudden his long lost brother was standing at his _guest address._ Apart from his beard he hadn’t changed one bit. The only thing that had disappeared was the naughty twinkle in his eyes. Was something wrong? What could possibly be wrong that was Castiel’s business?   
  
Castiel closed the door and quietly lead Gabriel to the living room.   
  
“You must be Gabriel.” Carrie said friendly. “Nice to meet you. You probably already know who I am since you showed up at my doorstep.”   
  
Gabriel nodded. “I’m sorry to interrupt your… festivities.”

 

“That’s quite alright. Family is important too. Why don’t you make yourself at home? I’ll go to my room to give you boys some privacy.” Carrie said and slowly got up from the couch.  
  
“No, Carrie. It’s okay. Can I take Gabriel to my old room? I don’t want you climbing the stairs right now” Castiel said quickly. “Not without any assistance at least.”   
  
“Fine.” Carrie shrugged. “But be warned, I don’t know when Jodie last dusted off that place. She’s a great help, but sometimes she doesn’t know what’s up and what’s down.”   
  
“We’ll be fine. Just sit back, relax and enjoy your coffee. This won’t be long.” Castiel said and gave Gabriel a death glare. Who did he think he was, coming here without at least a heads up. If he found Carrie’s address he should’ve at least been able to get a hold of his phone number! He walked back to the hallway and opened the door to the basement, walking down stairs followed by the cats and Gabriel.   
  
“Cas, I-”   
  
“What the hell are you doing here?” Castiel said and narrowed his eyes. “The last time I saw you you were staring out the window when I came home and my bags were on the _street._ In the _rain_.”

 

Gabriel took a deep breath and sat down on the bed. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, but what could I have possibly done? I’m not here to bring up the past.”  
  
Castiel raised an eyebrow and looked down at his brother with misdoubt. “Then why are you here?”   
  
“You really don’t know? Cas, mom and dad kicked you out for being gay and all the sudden you’re an international celebrity walking red carpets with a _lady_ by your side! No offense, but I didn’t know what I was seeing!”   
  
Castiel rolled his eyes and leaned against the wall. “Well, I’ve gotta disappoint you, Gabe. I’m still as gay as I can be. That _lady_ you’re talking about is my manager. It’s completely platonic. You can leave now.” He said angrily and pointed up stairs.   
  
Gabriel sighed and bit his lip. “I always accepted you for who you are, Cas. I even tried to talk mom and dad out of it-”   
  
“You were standing there and doing nothing. You didn’t even say goodbye.”   
  
“Again, not here to bring up the past. I am sorry for what happened, okay? I missed you, Castiel. I understand why you’re so bitter, but please give me a chance. It’s been years! I just want my brother back!”   
  
“What about mom and dad, hm? Are they suddenly cool with everything because I’m famous now? They need money? Does dad finally need a new liver? Took him long enough!”   
  
“Dad is dead, Castiel.” Gabriel blurted out and bit his lip. Tears were pooling in his eyes, threatening to spill over. “Put him in the ground last summer, cancer got him. Mom is also gonna die soon, turns out she has killer boobs. Stage four breast cancer, probably has less than two months left on God’s green earth. All I have left is you and Michael, and I haven’t heard from that asshole since he claimed his part of his heritage.”   
  
Castiel gulped, was he supposed to feel sad? Of course, he felt bad for Gabriel that _his_ father was gone and that _his_ mother was going to die soon. But to Castiel it was like they had been dead for years.

 

“Oh.” Castiel mumbled. He wanted to say more, but he couldn’t bring out anything else at that exact moment.

 

Gabriel nodded and rubbed his eyes dry. “Yes, very _Oh_ indeed. I’ve been looking for you for years, Cassie. Couldn’t find you anywhere and all the sudden you were reported missing in Memphis! As Castiel Finley and some creep claimed to be your father. Did you know that guy was arrested for murder a while back? That lunatic had chopped up a boy and buried him in the woods!”   
  
_Malcom…_

 

“Cas? Are you okay? You’re looking a little pale all the sudden. Cas!”  
  
The room started turning and the walls were caving in…   
  
“Cas!” Gabriel shouted and shook Castiel’s shoulders. “What’s going on, man?”   
  
Castiel shook his head. “Samandriel… They f-found Samandriel?” Castiel stammered.   
  
Gabriel’s eyes widened. “Please don’t tell me you had anything to do with that murder!”

 

Practically no. Technically yes. Malcom had forced him to help bury Samandriel’s body. He thought he was safe. Thought he had left it in the past, but that past was overtaking him violently. At least Malcom was locked away now. But what if they found out that Castiel-

 

“Castiel! Talk to me!” Gabriel said.  
  
Castiel shook his head. “Leave.”   
  
“What? But, Cas-”

 

“I said LEAVE! You come to _Carrie’s_ house, without a warning, on _Christmas._ All you do is telling me that dad is dead, mom’s dying, Michael is gone and start dropping bombs on me about the man who-” Castiel took a deep breath. “I don’t want you here. Not now. I came here to relax and enjoy my time off. Time that I don’t get a lot since I have a _busy_ job. You found this place all by yourself, I bet you can schedule an appointment with my manager. Now get out!”

 

Gabriel took a step back. “Come on, brother. Please don’t shut me out now. Not now.”  
  
Castiel dug Meg’s business card out of his jeans pocket and pushed it in Gabriel’s hand. “Make an appointment. Now get the fuck out!” Castiel growled and pointed up the stairs. “You’re not welcome here.”   
  
Gabriel looked down at the creased piece of paper in his hand and bit his lip. “Fine.” He mumbled and started to climb the stairs. “Merry Christmas, Castiel.” He said softly before he walked through the hallway and left the house.

 

Castiel staggered to the bed and collapsed on the mattress. What was he supposed to do with all this information. He knew he was supposed to be at least a little sad about the passing of his father and his sick mother, but there was nothing. It was all roared down by the memory of blood sticking to his hands, Samandriel’s dead eyes staring right through him, the taste of bile and how Malcom’s fists collided with his ribs and face.  
  
_I should’ve protected him. I should’ve saved him. It should’ve been me instead instead of Manny…_

 

And Gabriel-... “Fuck.”  Castiel whispered to himself. He hadn’t seen his brother in years, the man had been through a rough time, buried his father- _their_ father, and soon their mother as well. With Michael gone, Castiel would be the only one left, and he had just sent him away into the cold… On Christmas eve.   
  
“Fuck fuck fuck fuck!” Castiel hissed and ran upstairs and outside. The snow had started to fall heavily and Gabriel had already made it to the other side of the street.   
  
“Gabe!”  Castiel shouted, but his brother didn’t hear him. He was gonna have to sprint. “For fuck’s sake.” He sighed and started to run. By the time he got to Gabriel he was out of breath. “Gabriel! Wait!” He panted and gasped for air as he bend over to lean his hands on his knees and catch his breath.   
Gabriel finally turned around, his eyes were red and his cheeks tear-stained.   
  
“Shit, Gabriel, I’m so sorry, I just didn’t-”

 

Gabriel had wrapped his arms around Castiel’s chest for a tight hug before he could even finish explaining himself.  
  
“I’m sorry too.” He said softly and pulled back. Castiel gave him an apologetic smile and sighed.

 

“You wanna come inside for a drink? I’m sure Carrie will let you stay the night. We have a lot of catching up to do.”  
  
Gabriel smiled through his tears. “I’d love to, Cas. Thank you.”

  


“How did you find me anyway?” Castiel asked when they were back inside and sitting in the livingroom, both nursing a mug of hot chocolate with whipped cream that Carrie made for them before she went to bed.  
  
Gabriel chuckled. “Your manager, miss Masters, was kind enough to provide me with the address. I didn’t call ahead because I wanted to surprise you and… Guess you were kinda surprised, not the kind I was hoping for, but it could’ve ended a lot worse. I didn’t really think it through.”   
  
Of course Meg was funny enough to pull something like this on him and not warn him about it.   
  
“Anyway, what happened to you? Don’t get me wrong, you were always the most attractive one of the family, but you don’t look anything like the hottie in the magazines.”   
  
Castiel snorted. He had to admit that he missed Gabriel’s witty remarks.   
  
“I’ve just been very busy. I don’t get a lot of time alone to relax and when I do… I can’t exactly go out or anything. I’m either surrounded by people or locked up in my apartment.”   
  
Gabriel shot him a worried look. “I’m not talking about your job, Castiel. I’m talking about about before all this fame stuff. Where have you been all those years? I mean… You were reported missing by some murderous maniac. I can’t remember seeing those scars on you.”   
  
Castiel automatically raised his hand to trace the thin mark that crossed his right eyebrow. He didn’t want to talk about Malcom, never again. “I’ve had some other jobs. Did some ranch work. And accidents happen.”

 

Gabriel raised an eyebrow, he wasn’t buying this bullshit, but he decided to not dig any deeper.  
  
“What are you upto these days? I’m guessing you’re not waiting tables anymore!”   
  
Gabriel smirked. “I was hoping you’d ask! I own a club on the west coast, making a good living. I live in Santa Cruz. I’m done with the Minnesota winters, I’m all about the sun now.”   
  
Castiel smiled. “No way! I live in San Francisco, that’s only a one and a half hour drive away!”   
  
“I know.” Gabriel laughed. “It says so on your Wikipedia page.”   
  
“I have a Wiki-” Castiel sighed. “Of course I have a Wikipedia page.” He dragged his hands down his face and laughed.   
  
“Yeah, you should totally come with me to my New Year’s party in my club in LA, you’re good publicity!”

 

“Is that why you came all the way to Colorado? To lure me to your expensive club for some publicity stunt?”  
  
“What? No! I’m not luring you you’re already coming.” Gabriel laughed.   
  
“Excuse me?” Castiel said bluntly, obviously not being amused.   
  
“Yeah… About that.” Gabriel shrugged. “Meg kinda already planned the whole thing for you But don’t look at it as a job. See it as a fun weekend and quality time with your long lost brother, okay?”   
  
“But-”   
  
“Nuh uh! No buts! It’s ridiculous enough that I have to pay my own brother to have some more time with him. It’s a sick amount of money but it’s a price I’m willing to pay. I missed you, Castiel. Just come to LA with me and let’s have a good time, shall we?”

  


Of course Castiel went to LA, without Meg this time, which made him a little anxious. Meg was his tower of strength, his safety line when shit started to go downhill, his buddy and most importantly… fake girlfriend. But Gabriel promised him it was all gonna be fine and that he’d take good care of him. He owned an apartment in Venice Beach, they would be staying there during the weekend. Castiel called Meg to tell her that he wasn’t gonna charge his own brother for visiting his club and just went there as a holiday, meaning he had to pay his own plane tickets, but since Castiel was practically loaded with money it wasn’t an issue at all. He simply wanted some time to catch up with Gabriel a bit more. And maybe a party would be good for him, help him to let himself go for once. It had been ages since he went to a party just for the sake of fun and Gabe had promised it was gonna be wild.

 

And wild it would be.  


  
_New Year’s..._   


 

Even though it was a private event the club was loaded. There were ice sculptures, champagne fountains, strippers, an enormous dance floor and Gabriel had hired some famous Dj that Castiel didn’t really care about.  
He was surprised at how cool people were acting around him. He wasn’t treated like royalty, there weren’t people gathered around him, screaming for selfies and autographs. Nope, he was alone, standing in the corner of the club, leaning against the wall and sipping champagne as he watched the people interact on the dancefloor.   
  
Castiel didn’t mind, but he had hoped to at least spend some time with his brother, who was currently having a conversation with a couple men whilst having a stripper sat on his lap.   
  
Castiel turned his head when he felt the presence of another human being right next to him. There was a tall, dark blonde stranger, casually leaning against the wall mirroring his position, while nursing a beer.   
The stranger looked at him and smiled. “I was wondering when you’d finally notice me.” He chuckled. “You’re Castiel, right?”   
  
Castiel nodded slowly and silently wondered if that jawline would be sharp enough to cut himself.   
  
“Pleasure to meet you, my name is Ezekiel. But you may call me Zeke. Is it true that you’re the brother of Gabriel Novak?”   
  
Castiel gulped. “Nice to meet you too, and yes, I am indeed Gabriel’s brother.”   
  
“Interesting…” Zeke mumbled and made a point of scanning Castiel’s body from head to toe, nearly piercing him with his intense green eyes. “You look nothing like him. And I mean that in a good way.” He said and winked.   
  
Castiel froze when he felt a hot blush creep onto his face. His heart fluttered in his chest and he couldn’t help but smile. It had been a while since a handsome stranger showed genuine interest and even though it made him feel a little bit uncomfortable he wasn’t going to let this opportunity slip.   
  
“Do you want something to drink?” He asked and quickly drained the champagne from his glass. “I could go for something a bit more… exciting.” He chuckled softly. Zeke gladly accepted his offer.   
  
After three more drinks Castiel wasn’t even certain of what was going on anymore and he couldn’t care less. Zeke was an amazing guy with a great sense of humor, a handsome face and a gentle touch that gave Castiel goosebumps.   
Three drinks turned into five and counting down to the new year. By the time everybody was shouting and cheering “Happy new year” there were two lips firmly pressed against to his mouth and two hands roaming all over his body. Castiel didn’t know exactly where his own hands had gone, but they were definitely _not_ by his sides doing nothing.   
He wasn’t fighting it, wasn’t resisting or second guessing. He was kissing back and enjoying the moment.   
  
The rest of the night became blurrier and blurrier. Castiel remembered green eyes, something like making out in an elevator and being pushed back on a bed. Green eyes staring back into his, freckles that weren’t there and the vivid memory of the smell of fresh hay before everything went completely black.   
  
When Castiel opened his eyes again he was lying on a hospital bed with Gabriel by his side.   
  
“G-Gabriel?” Castiel croaked. His throat hurt, and so did his neck, shoulders, back and practically his entire body.   
  
Gabriel looked up and jumped up. “Cas! Thank God, you’re awake!” He said and heaved a sigh of relief.   
  
Castiel frowned. “What happened? Where’s Zeke?” He said and looked around the room to make sure he wasn’t sitting in another corner of the room.   
  
Gabriel sighed and sat back down again after shifting his chair closer to Castiel’s bed. “Well… Uhm… Do you remember anything from last night?”

 

Castiel narrowed his eyes and tried to rewind. Zeke, drinks, the kiss, elevator, more kissing, the bed…  
Castiel’s eyes widened. “Was I _roofied_ ?!”   
  
Gabriel shook his head. “No, Ezekiel was a true gentleman and immediately called an ambulance when you went K.O. and started convulsing. He left as soon as I arrived, you don’t remember that?”   
  
Castiel gulped and shook his head. _Convulsing?_

 

“Don’t blame you, you were pretty fucked up at the time. Anyway, he went back to Vancouver to avoid paparazzi. How are you feeling?”  
  
“Like I got hit by a truck.”   
  
“You had a seizure, Cassie. Doctors already did some tests, but they found no traces of drugs in your blood. Which I’m happy about. Proud of you for not going down that road, but that leaves a whole lot of other scary stuff that can cause seizures. I already called Meg, she’s picking you up tomorrow to go back to San Francisco and she’ll take you to a doctor immediately to get this checked out. Okay?”

 

Castiel nodded, there wasn’t much to disagree with. He hadn’t felt 100% for a while and maybe this was his body telling him to take a break. A seizure was a bit extreme, but it could be… right?

  


_Two weeks later…_

  


Castiel was in the middle of a photoshoot when one of the assistants walked up to Castiel with a phone. “It’s your manager.”   
  
Castiel nodded and quickly took the phone. “Megster, what’s up? Keep it short, I’m really busy right now.”   
  
_“I know, I’ll keep it short. It’s about the test results…”_   
  
Castiel’s heart skipped a beat, he had been nervous about those damn results for too long now. “Uhm, okay? What about it?”   
  
_“The doctor wants to see you, he didn’t sound very happy.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My GOD I'm so sorry for the drama. I want to make you guys happy, but I started writing this fanfic to keep a hold on my emotions. It's hard to find a balance between the two and my emotions win most of the time. I'm not very proud of it, I'm sorry. But I promise that things are gonna get a lot better! The next chapter is a chapter I've had ready for a looong time and I've been writing towards this point for a reason.  
> So take a deep breath and relax. Actually, don't relax...
> 
> Brace yourselves, feels are coming.


	19. Hello, Cowboy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Over 300 kudos and nearing 6800 hits?! WHAT THE HELL?!  
> Don't get me wrong, I'm love seeing that this fic has come so far and every single hit warms my heart and lifts my spirits! Also...
> 
> THIS FAN FIC IS NOW OFFICIALLY LONGER THAN TWIST AND SHOUT! (Sorry, I'm just really proud that I haven't given up yet xD This really is the most I have ever written in my LIFE. Maybe one day I'll change the names and get it published... Would you read it if it wasn't a Destiel anymore but a proper book? I would publish it like this... But I think Kripke would sue me xD)

_6 years later, Dean’s 34th birthday…_

 

It was like Castiel had vanished from the earth. There were no more pictures of him featured in magazines. His face wasn’t on TV anymore and he wasn’t showing off expensive suits on billboards. Eight years had gone by since Castiel left the Winchester ranch and Dean finally felt like he was over it all. The strange boy who once enchanted his world with those heavenly blue eyes had turned into a distant memory, one that would make him smile whenever he was reminded of him. His angel. His cowboy.

The piano nightmare would come back every once in awhile, though. Dean would be upset for the rest of the day and not even Lisa would be able to calm him down. He still refused to tell her what the nightmare was about, there was no way in hell he would tell his wife he used to be in love with a man. He was not going to risk it. It was one of those things he’d take to his grave.

"Happy birthday, sweetheart!" Lisa softly whispered in Dean's ear. "I've got a surprise for you."

Dean smirked, his eyes were still closed and he tilted his head on the pillow, following Lisa's voice.

 "Is this where stuff gets naughty, Hm?" Dean said with a slightly hoarse voice and licked his dry lips, slowly opening his eyes, blinking against light of the rising sun that casted through the tiny crack between the curtains.

Lisa giggled "Sorry, Dean. Ben is already up and he is very very enthusiastic about the gift we have gotten you."

Dean sighed but smiled at the idea of Ben being so pumped about it. Dean had always stayed pretty insecure. He had just suddenly popped up in his life, infiltrating his life without giving him much of a choice. But Ben loved Dean and had accepted him as a new part of the family, he had really started to look up at him as a father figure.

Dean sighed again and looked up at Lisa "Well, we shouldn't leave the kid waiting."

Lisa's smile grew bigger and she kissed Dean's lips briefly "You get ready for the day. I'll be downstairs. Breakfast is almost ready." she said and left the room.

Dean snuggled his pillow a bit longer before sitting up on the bed. He closed his eyes and imagined Castiel standing there, leaning against the doorframe, Dean smiled softly and sighed before shaking his head. "No. No, Dean. Bad idea." He groaned at himself and opened his eyes again.

 

Dean swung his legs over the edge of the bed, forcing his spine straight and lifting himself up onto his feet. He didn't go too fancy on clothes, his mood had sunken a little. It was his own fault, but still. He went for the casual dark jeans and blue plaid.

Blue, the shade would have matched Castiel's eyes perfectly.

"Goddammit!" he growled and practically ripped the button up off his body, exchanging it for the plain black T-shirt that was lying in the back of his closet.

He quickly washed his face and brushed his teeth, practicing a smile before he headed downstairs.

Ben and Lisa had just finished setting the table. The smell of grilled ground beef and cheddar filled his nostrils, he didn't have to fake that smile anymore.

"Cheeseburgers for breakfast?" he asked, a small, naughty smile curved his lips. Ben nodded and sat down at the table "My idea! Happy birthday Dean!" he cheered, raising his hand to receive the big high five from Dean.

Lisa shook her head as she loaded the burgers on Dean's and Ben's plate "Only because it's your birthday! This will never happen again!" she said, trying to keep a straight face, but horribly failed as Dean moaned when he set his teeth into the burger. "Ohmwaigawd, Lihwa, dif iph amawing!" Dean muffled.

Ben, of course, followed his example and the two had an inaudible conversation about God knows what while Lisa ate her waffles, trying not to choke from laughter.

It didn't take long for the boys to engulf their breakfast.

"Mom, can I please show him? Pretty pretty please?"

Dean tried to look surprised "Show me what? Did you wash the car?"

Ben narrowed his eyes "Maybe... But there's something else too! Oh, please mom!" Ben was almost climbing on top of the table, knocking over his, luckily empty, glass.

"Whoa! Careful! Okay, you can show him." Lisa laughed. "Dean, I'm very sorry, but we have to insist on blindfolding you." she said with a wink, provoking a dirty smirk from Dean in return. Ben already had the table napkin ready and started to wrap it around Dean's face.

Ben tried his very best to carefully guide Dean to the living room, but despite of all the effort Dean bumped into the door frame and nearly tackled the coffee table before he could finally take off the blindfold.

 

"SURPRISE!" Ben and Lisa cheered.

Dean blinked a couple times. A shiny, black vertical piano was standing against the wall right underneath the big mirror that was hanging there. They had rearranged the entire room to fit that huge instrument in.

 

A piano. Of all possible birthday gifts they could have gotten for him they bought a piano. The one thing he had sworn never to touch again. Not after-

"What do you think? Sam told us that you used to be an amazing piano player, we found it in a second hand shop and we just couldn’t leave it there. It’s as good as new, tuned before it got delivered here this morning. My god, we had to be so quiet. I’m surprised you didn’t hear anything." Lisa said and chuckled, laying her hands on his shoulders and squeezing gently.

Dean didn't know what to say. It was beautiful, absolutely stunning but he couldn't take it. It was too much. His jaw went a little slack and he shook his head.

"Lisa, I-" he covered his mouth "I can't... I can't take it. It's too much!"

Lisa giggled "Well too bad, it's already here. And don't worry, we got it for a decent price. Since Sam told us that you used to play and we thought-"

"That was years ago, Lisa!" Dean snapped, immediately regretting his harsh reaction.

Ben pouted a little "Don't you like it?" he said with a soft voice, afraid to make Dean more upset or angry.

"No, it's just... It's just that..." He could feel the tension in his chest slowly wring the oxygen out of his lungs. His vision started to blur.

Blue eyes. He was lying on the sofa, waiting for the ambulance to arrive. Not again.

"I gotta go." He said and started to walk towards the front door.

"Dean!" Lisa exclaimed. Mixed emotions overflowing from her voice ranging from anger to worry and Dean shut it all out. He put imaginary fingers in his ears and he blocked out the sound. He ripped his jacket from the peg and left the house.

 

The impala was parked in the driveway instead of the garage, blinking in the sun. Ben had indeed washed his car and he put a lot of effort into it. Guilt washed over him and he couldn't unlock the doors. He couldn't just drive away in that car so he decided to walk. In the distance he heard the front door open again, Lisa's voice echoed in his head but he wasn't listening anymore. He just wanted solitude.

 

Solitude and booze.

 

After hours of walking and trying to deny his emotions he found some stripclub somewhere in a random corner of San Francisco. He had never been there before but at least Lisa wouldn't find him there. It wasn't until he was inside when he realized it was ''Ladies Night" and even though it was only a little after two in the afternoon it was pretty crowded. He wanted to leave but apparently the drinks were cheaper so he decided to stay. He took his grasshopper to the farthest corner of the shanty and sat down in the empty booth. He didn't want to think of it but from here he had the best possible view on the stage. He also didn't want to admit that he kinda liked watching the men. Something he hadn't done in years. After he had given up on love he thought that Lisa wasn’t such a bad option at all. His sex life was awful, but he just put up with it and their relationship wasn't all that dramatic.

Every once in a while he sipped from the weird green cocktail and when the girls started to scream he carefully shot a look at the stage to see women in their forties shove singles into tight men's underwear that covered an even tighter package. He looked down at the drink and decided he needed something stronger. He got himself a couple vodka shots and nested in the empty booth again, downing the alcohol and finding it a lot easier to look at the sleek, muscular men performing pretty sensual moves.

After a number of drinks that Dean wasn't able to count anymore he was getting tired of the booth and moved himself to one of the tables closer to the stage. It was still crowded by women but he still had a pretty decent view. Men came and went and Dean started to relax and enjoy himself. He had totally forgotten about the piano and he couldn't help but getting a little turned on by all the magic mikes up there.

"And now, ladies, the man you've all been waiting for. He's all about boots, lassos and his favorite position is the reversed cowgirl. Please give him a warm- No, a HOT welcome! Cowboy Casper!"

The women went completely insane and started screaming when a man walked on stage. He had black leather cowboy boots, his junk was covered by black hotpants. A ripped and torn denim vest was showing off his muscular torso and the shadow of the rim of a black cowboy hat was concealing his eyes. All that was visible from his face were his perfectly sculpted nose and  stubble surrounded smirk. The man wrapped himself around the chrome pole in the center of the stage and went wild. Grinding his crotch against the metal and wrapping his legs around it. Climbing up and twisting down.

Dean couldn't place it. The alcohol in his blood was numbing everything except his sexdrive. This man, there was something about him. Was it the hat? The glitter on the boots? Maybe just the familiarity of the flash of that smile.

Every once in awhile the man seemed to look at him, but then again, his face was going everywhere from the ceiling to the women and all around the club.

There was a faint stab of jealousy when one of the women rubbed her hand over the man's ass after she left some singles behind the waistband of the hotpants.

Dean was confused, drunk and confused and it wasn't a good combination. A flash of blue met his eyes and the act was over.

 "Thank you, Casper!" a voice echoed through the club.

 

 _Casper... Cas. Castiel. No! No, it couldn't be._ He looked at the stage, was it really him? But the man had already left.

 

Dean felt his stomach twist and sweat gathering on his forehead and cheeks. Too crowded. He couldn't breathe and he was getting nauseous. He had to get out, he needed air.

Dean got to his feet and staggered to the exit of the club, the cold evening air hit his face like a bucket of water and he was surprised to find out that the sun had already started to set behind the buildings of the city.

His stomach twisted again, making the world around him turn too. He found his way to the alley next to the stripclub and he leaned against the wall, slowly sliding down against it until he felt the cool concrete floor against his ass.

Dean closed his eyes and dropped his head between his knees.

"Hey, you okay?"  
  
Dean lifted his head to look up against a silhouette in the bright light of the lamppost on the street. Smoke escaping from the stranger's mouth.

"M okay." Dean slurred and lowered his head again.

"Too much booze for your system?" the stranger asked.

Dean shrugged "Combination of alcohol and lack of oxygen. I'll be okay."

"Why don't you come inside, backstage is not too crowded and we have water and aspirin. Don't want to catch a cold, ey! Come on!" the man said and already started to haul Dean to his feet again, guiding him inside again. He threw the cigarette remains on the ground before going inside and he lead Dean through a door that said "private".

 

Panic started to rush through Dean's head. He was pretty hammered. Maybe someone had put something in his drink? It had been a while since he felt so wiped out like this.

The lighting behind the door was dull and he could hear laughter coming from the end of the hallway.

Dean let his head hang, this was it. He had been drugged and he was gonna get raped by male strippers on his birthday. He looked at the black and white checkered floor sliding underneath his feet.

 

"Hey, Cas. Where are you going?" the stranger asked.

"Gotta take a piss man. Hey, you got another one?"

"Yeah, he's completely wiped out. Thought I'd better take him in. He looks absolutely miserable."

"Hm, okay. I'll bring some advils when I get back. Just keep him awake and give him water."

That voice. That sweet, soft voice. So familiar and rough but he couldn't place it.

The floor started to move again and a pair of black cowboy boots passed him by. He was so tired. So damn tired, his eyelids were getting heavier and all he wanted to do was sleep. It didn't matter anymore. As long as he was asleep he couldn't feel anything anyway.

  


“Dean? Dean is that you? Wake up! Dean, wake the fuck up!” that voice again.  
Something cold was placed on his forehead, he welcomed it with open arms.  
  
“You know this guy?”

“Long story.” the voice sighed “Come on, Dean. Open your eyes.”

  
_Castiel… Cas?_

 

“Yes, Dean, it’s me.” the voice spoke again. Did he even say that out loud?  
  
_Cas? What?!_ _  
_ Dean slowly opened his eyes. The room around him was spinning and he was gonna throw up for sure.

There was a flash of blue and denim.

“Guys, bucket. Now!”

Dean heard the empty rumble of plastic. He gagged and he could feel the burn of bile in the back of his throat. Two strong arms hauled him up and supported his shoulders when he gripped the rim of the bucket. He heaved and puked his guts out. He ignored the disgusted mumbles in the room and focussed on the hands that were on his shoulders, rubbing soothing circles over the thin fabric of his back.  
  
“That’s it, get it out of your system.” the voice was clearer now. “And you guys, if you don’t like what you’re seeing just leave, okay?”  
  
“Will you be okay?”  
  
“I’ll be fine. I know him. I’ll take care of him.”

Dean heaved again. Oh dear God, was this ever going to end? The last time he threw up like this was-... Amsterdam… “Cas?” Dean sounded pathetic, like he was on the edge of crying. And actually he was. This couldn’t be real.  
  
“Shhh. It’s okay, Dean. I’m here now. You’ll be okay.”

 

 _You’ll be okay…_ That was enough to push him over the edge. Tear started to spill over and Dean puked again.  
He was a fucking mess. This wasn’t real. It just couldn’t be. Cas wasn’t here. Cas was just a hallucination.

 

“Are you done?” he asked softly.  
Dean nodded and spat out the last bit of vomit.

“Here, drink this.”

He put down the bucket and took the glass of water, slowly taking small sips, rinsing his mouth. He still didn’t dare to look up.

“Dean?”

He shook his head “No.” he stammered “You’re not real. You’re not here.”

He felt a hand cupping his chin, gently turning his head. Blue eyes filled with worry stared back at him. “It’s really me, Dean.” Cas said softly. It was strange, there were tiny wrinkles around his eyes that weren’t there all those years ago.

But the blue in his eyes was still there, that shade of blue that used to brighten up his days. That shade of blue that seemed to sparkle a little when he smiled. It seemed a bit lustreless.

His voice was gonna crack. That crack when he was about to cry, when his voice was crumbling. “Cas.” he blurted out.

Castiel nodded “It’s really me, Dean.”

Dean’s mind was racing. All these years, what good had he done with 8 years of his life? He had wasted it all. He just went through the motions because that’s what he was expected to do. He was supposed to move on and find a significant other. He was supposed to wake up, go to work, come home, eat, sleep and repeat the same circle til the weekend and then it would start all over again.  
Years had gone by and deep inside he knew he had never recovered from Castiel leaving. He had missed him every single day, he just learned to live with the pain. He got used to the unfillable hole in his heart. He had desperately tried to stuff it with alcohol and rodeos and he had tried to fit in Lisa and Ben, but it was never enough.  
  
And here he was, vomit dripping down his chin and tears rolling down his face, Castiel awkwardly rubbing his back. His angel, his cowboy. He had returned and he didn’t know how to handle it. How was he supposed to walk away and go back home to his _wife_. And how was he supposed to stay and drop the little life he had built in the years, the little corner in the universe he had carved out piece by piece for himself.

His hair was darker than it used to be, nearly black. He wasn’t as pale as he really had grown into a man. All the boyishness had been washed away, leaving him with some more sharp edges. Edges that Dean wanted nothing more than to touch.  
In only a couple minutes he had fallen in love with him all over again and he was still trying to figure out how it got to this.

 

Castiel frowned and tilted his head like he used to do, he was confused. “Dean… How did you find me?”  
  
Now it was Dean’s turn to be confused.  
  
“What?”  
  
“You found me, how did you-”  
  
Dean shook his head once again. “No, I didn’t find you, Cas. I- I don’t even know how I got in this damn club and all the sudden _you’re_ right in front of my nose and grinding a pole and handing me a bucket and water and- I don’t know!”  
  
Castiel gulped and the confusion disappeared from his face. “You-... You didn’t come here for me?”  
  
“No, Cas, I’m sorry. I just… I ran away from my own birthday party and somehow I ended up here and you- What are you doing here?”  
  
Castiel shrugged. “I work here. Is there uhm… anyone I can call to pick you up?” Castiel asked carefully. It was obvious that he didn’t know how to act around him anymore and Dean felt the same way. Where was Cas standing now? It was pretty obvious his modeling career had ended horribly, otherwise he couldn’t have ended up in a strip club out of all places. Was he in a relationship?  
  
Dean gulped and took a deep breath, the smell of his vomit nearly made him puke again. He shook his head. Yes, Lisa could come and pick him up, but he didn’t want that. He didn’t want Lisa to see him like this, a sick, crying mess in the arms of the only person he ever truly loved.

“Oh…” Castiel murmured and bit his lip. “A taxi?”  
  
He had only been with Castiel for a couple minutes and he already wanted him gone? Was this what they had become? Was Dean someone he used to know? Had the fame gone to his head? And seriously, _was he in a relationship?_  
  
Dean shook his head again and carefully looked up. It really was Castiel.

“Dean, please understand that you can’t stay here. I’m working, I have rent to pay. If I could I would bring you home myself, but-”  
  
“I don’t want to go home.”  
  
“Dean-”  
  
“No. I must sound like an enormous ass, but after all those years I find you and I can’t just walk away.”  
  
Castiel sighed. “You’re drunk, Dean." Castiel groaned. “Fine! But no more alcohol for you! And I’m warning you, I have a couple private dances scheduled at the end of the night. So it could get late.”

  
It must’ve been around 2 at night when Castiel gently woke up Dean, he had fallen asleep in the corner booth. His face was sticky from the table he had rested his head on, he had been too tired to think of the idea to just lie down on the padded booth bench.  
  
“Dean? Come on, my shift is over. I canceled the private dances so I could go home.”  
  
Dean slowly opened his eyes and sat up, the alcohol was still buzzing through his body, making it hard to keep his head up straight. “Cas?” He slurred sleepily and blinked a couple times to clear his vision.  
  
“Yes, Dean. It’s still me, I’m still real. Come on, I’m taking you home now.”  
  
Dean slowly shook his head. “No, I don’t wanna go home.”  
  
“Not your home, silly, mine. Your refused to go home, remember. Now come on, it’s not far from here.”  
  
“Wait… Did you just say private dances?” Dean asked with a smirk.  
  
Castiel rolled his eyes. “I’m going to regret this, aren’t I?” He sighed and started to pull Dean back on his feet. “Come on, it’s only a couple blocks away from here.”

As Castiel started to lead Dean outside Dean smiled at him softly. “I missed you, Cas.”  
  
Castiel smiled back at him. “I missed you too, Dean. Now let’s go before you pass out again. You can sleep in my bed. I’ll take the couch for tonight.”

Dean frowned when they walked out. “What? Why?”

“Because…” Castiel shrugged. “Because it’s better. Dean, you’re still pretty groggy, it’s better not to do anything until you’re completely sober, okay? This way.”  
  
“But.” Dean mumbled, not really saying anything else.  
  
Castiel raised an eyebrow and walked around the corner with Dean’s arm wrapped around his shoulder. “It’s for the best, Dean. Now come on, we’re almost there.” Castiel helped Dean across the street and pulled a key ring out of his jacket to unlock the door right next to a small hardware store that Dean vaguely recognized.  
The door swung open to a narrow hallway with a long flight of stairs. Castiel sighed. “Alright, hold on tightly and don’t let go. I don’t want anybody falling down the stairs and waking up the neighbours.”  
  
Dean nodded and together they climbed the stairs. Once upstairs Castiel unlocked and opened the door on the left to a small studio apartment. It wasn’t too small, though. It was big enough to fit in a big enough bed, a seating area and a small desk. And there was still plenty of space to walk around. There were shelves lining the wall, filled with books and some neglected house plants.

The first thing Dean heard when the door closed was a soft meow followed by content purring.  
  
Castiel dropped his keys in a bowl on a side table next to the door and bend over to pick up a big, fluffy, black cat. “Good evening, Chico.” He cooed and gave the cat a soft kiss on the top of its head. “I brought a guest with me tonight and he means a lot to me, so I’d really appreciate it if you’d be nice to him, okay? Chico, meet Dean. Dean this is Chico.” Castiel said and smiled softly, his big blue eyes gleaming with happiness.  
  
Dean gulped and took a small step back. “Hi there, Chico.” He mumbled.  
  
Castiel frowned a little. “Oh! Of course, you're allergic. Don’t worry about it, Chico is a hypoallergenic cat. You shouldn’t have any problems around him. And judging from his purring he won’t have any problems with you either.” Castiel said and put Chico back to the ground. “I’m gonna hop in the shower real quick. Feel free to help yourself to something to drink. It’s not much, but… It’s something. And don’t do anything stupid, okay?” Castiel mumbled and walked off to the bathroom in the back, locking the door behind him. Soon the only sounds left were the falling water in the shower and the low rumbling of thunder outside.

Dean trudged to the small couch and took off his jacket as he sat down, staring out the window across the street and over the houses, watching the thunderstorm roll in. Despite it already being the night, the clouds made it so much more darker. For a split second Dean thought of Lisa. Was she worried? Had she tried to call him?  
Dean felt his pockets, discovering that he had probably left his phone at home. And yet here he was, in Castiel’s tiny apartment. He was married for fuck’s sake, but he couldn’t walk away from Castiel again. He had too many questions he needed answered. Lisa probably wouldn’t understand so Dean prefered to ask for forgiveness rather than permission.

After about ten minutes Castiel emerged from the bathroom, his hair was still damp and sticking to his forehead and he was only wearing a pair of gym shorts and overly fluffy slippers that seemed to match Chico’s fur, who was currently taking a nap on his pillow next to the radiator. The thunder struck when Castiel closed the bathroom door and he jumped at the loud, rumbling noise.  
  
“Where did that come from all the sudden?” He chuckled and trudged to the small kitchen in the corner of the studio. “Hey, you made tea! How lovely.” Castiel said and poured himself a cup before walking to the couch and sitting down next to Dean, gazing out the window with him. “How are you feeling?”

Dean shrugged. “Feeling better, I’m sobering up again. Tea really helps.” He raised his cup and carefully sipped from the steaming hot beverage. “I thought I’d be passed out by now, but I’m feeling surprisingly awake.” Dean mumbled and turned his head to Castiel. His cheeks and ears were still flushed from the hot shower. His scars had almost faded completely, leaving only a couple faint stripes and lines, including the one on his eyebrow. “You’re looking good, Cas. I was a little worried about you when I saw you on all those magazines a couple years back. Don’t get me wrong, you looked fucking amazing in those suits, but there was just… something off about you.

Castiel chewed on the inside of his lip. “So… You knew about the whole modeling thing?” The expression on his face darkened a bit, he seemed disappointed, maybe sad.  
  
Dean chuckled softly. “It was hard to miss, actually. I couldn’t turn my head or you’d be there on another billboard on the side of the road. All the sudden they were gone. The billboards, the magazines, the commercials.” Dean frowned. “Cas… How did you end up in that club? What happened?” Dean asked carefully. He was having trouble to look at the tired, greyish blue eyes. The Castiel he knew had this shimmer, a spark. He had lost the light behind his eyes.

Castiel shook his head and folded his hands together, as if he was trying to hold on to himself.

“Cancer happened.”

 

Dean’s heart stopped, the dam was breaking and guilt and sadness started to wash over him. His Castiel, the young man he vowed to keep safe and protect had fallen prey to a merciless disease.

“Out of all the the possible illnesses, I got metastasized prostate cancer. It was in my lungs, my kidneys, my brain... I tried to keep my job, but the chemo made it absolutely impossible.” Castiel looked at his hands. “I was dying, Dean. But I couldn’t just… Leave, you know? I couldn’t give up without saying goodbye to you, so I fought. I fought for my fucking life. At some point I thought the chemo was gonna kill me instead, but I pulled through. For you. Even though I didn’t know if you were still thinking about me… If I would ever see you again.”

Dean leaned forward and took Castiel’s hands in his, and finally he looked up at him. “Dammit, Cas. I never stopped thinking about you. Not a day went by without missing you. I never fell asleep without a silent prayer that one day I’d see you again.”

Castiel shot Dean a lopsided smile. “And now you’re married.” He sighed and looked at the ring on Dean’s finger, still holding on to his own. “Who’s the lucky one?”

Dean smiled back, it was a forced smile and he hated it. He cared about Lisa so much, and until one day ago he wanted to show the whole world that she was his woman. But here he was, sitting next the boy he had loved more than life itself.

Dean took a deep breath and finally let go of Castiel’s hands. “Her eh… Her name is Lisa. We met at the rodeo arena. Her son came up to me for an autograph, turned out they had a little bet. If he was brave enough to come up to me she’d ask me out.” He chuckled softly. “I don’t even know what came over me, I just did it. I hadn’t been with anybody else since you left. It had been over two years and I just-”

“Didn’t want to be alone?” Castiel asked carefully.  
  
Dean nodded slowly and looked out the window. The rain had started to fall from the sky and lightning lit up the skyline of the San Franciscan suburbs.

Castiel leaned back and raised his eyebrows. “Lisa? Lisa Braeden? Worked at Dunkin’ Donuts. Dark hair, brown eyes. She’s got a kid named Ben, right?”

Dean froze. “Y-you two know each other?” Dean stammered.

Castiel nodded. “Yeah, Lisa Braeden that used to work at Dunkin’ Donuts! We used to be pretty close, actually. She was the first one I met when I moved here. We kinda grew apart after she got another job and I moved to this neighbourhood. But I’m happy for you, Dean. Lisa is a great woman. I can see why you two hit it off. Ben must be crazy about you!”

Dean’s forced smile made place for a face of shock. “Are you fucking kidding me?!” He hissed.

Castiel’s eyes widened. “What’s the matter. If you think that Lisa and I-”

“That’s not what I mean! You were besties?!”  
  
“I wouldn’t call it that I just- Why are you angry? Please don’t be angry.”  
  
Dean shook his head and looked at his hands. “I’m not angry, Cas. I could never be angry with you, I just can’t believe that you were so close this entire time and I never knew! Lisa never told me anything about you, she was actually quite a fan of you and- and…”  
  
Castiel gulped. “I see… She must be wondering where you are. I think you’d better go home, Dean. I’ll call a cab and-”  
  
“Don’t send me away. Please, Castiel.”  
  
“Does she even know that we used to… Be together?”  
  
Dean shook his head.  
  
“Dammit, Dean. We can’t do this. You’re married, you have a family to take care of!”

“I settled for Lisa, Cas. I wanted nothing more than you, but you had moved on. So I thought I’d do the same.”  
  
Castiel’s jaw dropped. “What?” He wheezed with big eyes. “Moved on?! Dean, I went back for you! But you were off with some girl when I got to Lebanon. I never moved on from you, Dean. I never recovered.”  
  
Dean furrowed his brow. “What do you mean? What about that woman who was always with you?”  
  
Castiel’s eyes softened and he sighed. “You’ve got to be kidding me… That was Meg, my manager. We were never romantically involved with each other! You think I could possibly be attracted to a woman? All I wanted was you, Dean.”  
  
“But you never came back… You never…”  
  
“I was afraid your father would shoot me in the head. And once I finally had the courage to come back the ranch was empty and Jo sent me away from Bobby’s because you were on a date. Apparently I had missed you by about twenty minutes. That’s when I gave up. _You_ moved on. So I went back to Colorado. You’re all I ever wanted, Dean. Nothing more, nothing less. Just you!”  
  
Dean’s heart stopped, he was positive that it had just stopped beating. It was like the couch had disappeared and he was falling.

There was just no way that all of this was only a stupid fucking misunderstanding. Not that Dean was surprised. It made sense.  
  
“I should’ve come to you. Sam knew exactly where to find you, he had found your agency and everything and I just… I punched him in the face because I was so sure that you- Fuck, I was so stupid.”  
  
Castiel took a deep breath and Dean finally looked up at him again. He was crying, Castiel was crying and it broke Dean’s heart.  
  
“All those years…” He muttered through the tears and sniveled.  
  
Dean shifted closer and pulled Castiel in his arms. He could only imagine what hell he had gone through. He finally allowed himself closer and Castiel clung onto his shirt, pressing his face against Dean’s chest.  
  
“It’s okay now, Cas. We found each other and I’m never letting you out of my sight ever again.” Dean said softly and pressed a kiss to the top of Castiel’s head. “Never, you hear me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gaaaaaah! I actually cried a little while writing this!
> 
> Credits to Enochian_angel for telling me that Cas should just take Dean home, I was having a writers block. Thank youuuu!
> 
> And nnnnnope! This is not the end yet! There is more to come ^^ Please let me know what you think and (in case you haven't) give me kudos? It's only one click for you but it means soooooo much to me!


	20. Bruises and thin mints

They must’ve been holding on each other for nearly an hour, just breathing in each other’s air, sharing their warmth. It was long enough for the storm to clear up until the only thing left was some soft rain ticking on the windows. What were they going to do, it was all in Dean’s hands now. Yes, he might have said some big words in the heat of the moment, but Castiel knew that he had to leave when the morning came. He had to go back to Lisa and face the consequences for whatever choice he was going to make and it made Castiel anxious. He told himself he was thinking too much, something he hadn’t done in a long time. He had learned to stop thinking after he figured out that cancer isn’t something you think away. It’s fought with determination and poison. 

He thought it couldn’t be as bad as in the movies, or the books… No, it was worse. Cancer isn’t just any illness. It isn’t a cold or the flu. It’s something nestled deep within the body, the one thing that is supposed to work and keep you alive, it literally goes dark side and tries to kill you.  
But as long as he kept going, kept working and reaching forward he was okay. He didn’t mind the cancer as much as he minded the treatment. Chemo.

At first it wasn’t too bad. The continuous bitter taste in his mouth made it difficult to eat and made him nauseous, but it wasn’t as aggressive as he thought it would be. He lost some weight, but it was still manageable. Meg made sure he was feeling okay, she was a true angel and canceled appointments and rescheduled everything. She was understanding when he was having a bad day and she’d come by his apartment at least twice a week. Gabriel also visited him more frequently.

After two months of treatment he learned that the chemo wasn’t working. The doctors put him on more aggressive medication, prescribed pills and injections. He’d be on a drip in the hospital regularly.   
That’s when it all went downhill.

He couldn’t keep his food down anymore. Castiel was nauseous 24/7 and when his hair started to fall out Castiel knew that he wouldn’t be able to keep up his job much longer. He shaved his head, made the front page of some gossip magazine and he was completely roasted for his ‘new ridiculous look’. He could live with it, he was never a proud person, but the moment he started losing his eyelashes and eyebrows he knew that it was the end.   
The make up could no longer conceal his illness and he had become too skinny. His muscular form had completely disappeared and after a year of fighting his own body he was fired. 

Meg tried to keep up with him, but with new clients to take care of she didn’t have time for him anymore. Gabriel was busy with his club and buried their mother three months later. That old hag had pulled through longer than they expected, but it gave Castiel hope. If he really had inherited the bad genes from both his parents, maybe he had the strong ones to fight it off from his mother. 

He fought.

Fought for his life, to one day maybe get his career back on track. But most of all he fought for green eyes and freckles and a mischievous grin surrounded by faint stubble.  
He fought for Dean, that maybe, just maybe he’d get to see him again one day.

He fought and he won. Four years of treatment and vomiting and hair loss and seeing his future collapsing in front of his nose, and he fucking won.   
Two weeks after his 27th birthday he got the call.

Castiel was clean.

 

With little money left he had no choice but to move away from his penthouse and get another place. He found a little studio apartment on top of a hardware store. It wasn’t much, but it was all he really needed. 

Castiel finally peeled himself away from Dean and looked at him with wet, red eyes. “Let’s go to bed, it’s really late.” He whispered and stood up from the couch, he grabbed Dean’s hand and pulled him up as well.

Dean cocked his head a little. “Let’s? Are you sure about that?”

Castiel nodded. “Yeah, the couch is actually really uncomfortable and I’d rather just… You know…”

Dean smiled. “If ‘you know’ means being close to you then that’s all I need to hear.” He toed his shoes off and pulled his shirt over his head. Castiel contorted a smirk at the sight of Dean’s bare chest and Dean frowned. “What’s so funny?”

Castiel rested his flat hand on Dean’s chest. “Still no chest hair.”

Dean rolled his eyes and placed his hand over Castiel’s. “Neither do you!”

Castiel quirked up an eyebrow. “I’m a stripper, I get more tips when I manscape, believe it or not.”

“Whatever you need to tell yourself when you get up in the morning. Anyway, you don’t really have to share the bed with me, I’ll crash on the couch-”

“Is this about Lisa? If you don’t-”

“No! This isn’t about her. This is about you being comfortable in your own bed!”

“Dean.”

“What?”

Castiel stepped closer, closing the gap in between their bodies. “I haven’t been comfortable in my own bed since I stopped sharing it with you.

Dean smiled and pressed his forehead to Castiel’s. “Dammit, Cas, you’re still as sappy as you used to be.”

“You want me to be even sappier?”

“I don’t think you can top what you just said.”

Castiel shrugged. “I’ll think of something eventually. But I’m about to fall asleep standing up, so I suggest we postpone the sappiness and go to bed now.”

Dean nodded and pressed a gentle kiss to Castiel’s cheek. Castiel accepted it with closed eyes and a content hum. “Come on.” He said and caught Dean’s wrist, pulling him towards the bed on the other side of the room.  
Dean swiftly took off his jeans and lied down next to Castiel after he had kicked off his slippers and taken off his gym shorts, as if they had never been without each other. It was like Dean had just gone off to work in the morning and came back after a long day. It was like they had just skipped the years they had been separated, they just weren’t there anymore. It never happened.

Without even asking Castiel crawled up against Dean and pulled his arms around him. He wanted to be close, hold on to him and never let him go. It didn’t take long for Dean to fall asleep, he had had a long, turbulent day so Castiel didn’t mind. How could he possibly mind? Dean was back, he was there in bed with Castiel and holding onto him. It didn’t matter if he was asleep or awake at this point. It mattered that he was there.

Yes, Castiel could finally say he was happy. For the first time in nearly a decade he felt like he could breathe, because Dean was here to make everything better, to brighten his days and make all the pain go away. Castiel was finally home again, his head was resting on Dean’s chest, listening to the beating of his heart, where he belonged.

The rain had stopped falling down on him and the soft grass started to dry underneath his touch. His horse was still nowhere to be seen, but at least the sky had started to clear up and soon enough the sun broke through the clouds, lighting up the fields of the Tallgrass Prairie and warming Castiel’s skin.

“Cas!” Dean’s voice called him in the distance.

Castiel stood up and brought his hand to his forehead to shield his eyes from the bright sun. He gazed around. “Dean? Where are you?”

“I’m right behind you.” Dean whispered in his ear and put his hands on either side of Castiel’s waist. Castiel leaned against Dean’s chest and frowned.   
“Where did the horses go?”  
“Horses?”

“Yes, the horses. We were riding and you suddenly ran off and I fell and it started to rain and-” Castiel mumbled.

Dean chuckled and fastened his arms around Castiel, pulling him a bit closer and kissing the side of his neck. “That sounds like a wild dream.”

Castiel’s eyes flashed open. Dean’s arms were still around him and Castiel let out a sigh of relief. “You’re still here… you didn’t leave?”

Dean nuzzled the back of Castiel’s head and inhaled deeply. “Of course not. You want me to go?”

Castiel shook his head. “I don’t want you to leave ever again.” He turned around and snuggled up against Dean’s chest.

“And I don’t ever want to go, but I have to… I don’t really have a choice here. I need to work things out with Lisa and… Oh God, how am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell Ben?”

“Maybe I could come with you. It’s probably gonna sound insane when you just… go over there and… you know?”

Dean shook his head. “No, Cas. This is my problem, I will fix it on my own.”

“But I know Lisa too, maybe she’ll understand when we sit down with her and just tell her together.”

“Cas, I’ve known Lisa for nearly seven years now. You’d better stay here. She’ll most likely be very angry, which is not weird, but I don’t anyone getting more hurt than necessary, okay? Because someone’s gonna get hurt here.”

Castiel nodded. “I understand, it’s your call, your relationship.”

Dean nodded in agreement and pecked the tip of Castiel’s nose. He had been longing for a full kiss on the lips, but until Dean had broken up with Lisa he wasn’t going to ask anything from him. He already felt slightly embarrassed that he practically stole someone’s husband… Lisa’s husband, a wonderful sweet woman who wanted nothing more than to just make everybody happy. She used to be his friend and even thought Castiel was happy that Dean was determined and chose him over everything else he felt guilty.  
He had never thought he’d be standing in the shoes of a homewrecker and yet, here he was, ruining someone’s life. A six year relationship down the drain.

Six years… So many things have changed… Castiel had changed for sure, not sure if it was for better or for worse, but he had changed none the less. And what had become of Dean WInchester? The chemistry was definitely still there, if not stronger than it used to be. But chemistry could not guarantee anything. They had been together for just one night. One night and Dean was already going to break up his longterm relationship? What if it didn’t work out? What if they had both changed too much and it all ended in fighting and heartbreak again? Castiel hadn’t forgotten about his curse just yet. He wasn’t even sure if he could ‘do’ relationships anymore. It had been such a long time and-

“Cas.” 

“Hm?”

“Stop brooding about it.”

“I wasn’t.”

“Liar.” Dean chuckled. “What time is it?”

Castiel reached out for his alarm clock and tilted it over to read the time. “11:30.”

“Shit!” Dean hissed and pulled his arms away from Castiel, leaving an uncomfortable cold void in warm sheets. “I’d better get going. She probably thinks I’m dead.”

“You never went out late?”

Dean shook his head. “Not since I stopped drinking.” He said casually and quickly pulled on his jeans, grimacing when he sniffed his shirt.

Castiel got out of bed as well and walked to the closet. “You sure you don’t want to stay for breakfast? You have to eat something, let me make you something quick.” He said and tossed Dean a clean shirt, it was one of his old Star Wars tees.  
Dean looked at the print with a soft smile, probably taking in the nostalgia. “If it’s not too much trouble… Could you make me a quick p&b sandwich?”

Castiel nodded and put on his fluffy pink bathrobe that made Dean snicker. “Wipe that smirk off your face, Winchester, I’m making you food, you should never mock the chef.”

“My apologies, I just couldn’t help but notice how fabulous you look in that thing.” Dean said and threw on the Star Wars shirt. “Perfect fit, I might keep this one.” He said and bent over to pick up his dirty T-shirt. 

“Leave that one here, I’ll wash it for you. It’s laundry day anyway and gives you a reason to come back.” Castiel said as he started preparing Dean’s sandwich. “How are you even gonna get there? Is it far away from here?”

“Crap, I don’t know. I think I left my phone at home. Could I use your phone to call a cab? I’ll come back with the Impala.”  
Castiel smiled, he still had the car he adored so much. “Use the landline.” He said and pointed at the phone that was mounted to the wall next to the frontdoor.

“You have a landline? I thought those things went extinct a couple years back.” Dean chuckled as he dialed for a cab as Castiel wrapped up his sandwiches and put them in a paper bag.

Something felt wrong about this. Maybe it was that old, ugly voice in the back of his head telling him that it was going to end in tears and heartbreak, no matter what, maybe it was his common sense. But really, what could possibly go wrong this time?

Dean could change his mind and stay with Lisa… Castiel wouldn’t blame him. Lisa was great and after a relationship lasting over six years it would be hard to break up just like that, but Castiel would understand.

Maybe we changed too much. That’s what people do, they change. And if that wasn’t the problem then the universe would probably come up with another cruel joke.

The cab arrived sooner than Castiel had anticipated. Dean quickly walked to Castiel and cupped his face with both hands. “I’ll be back, Cas. I promise you, I will come back for you as soon as possible. Do you have to work tonight?”

“No.” Castiel lied. He had been scheduled for that night a couple weeks back, but he’d figure something out, if Dean was coming back tonight he’d give up everything. “Dean…” Castiel muttered.

“Shh, we’ll be okay. Yeah we’re gonna be okay. I’ll make sure of it.” He said and quickly pecked Castiel’s lips. Castiel melted into the kiss and pulled Dean back immediately, crashing their lips together and kissing him hungrily. It reminded him of their first kiss when Molly was sick and Dean was… It hadn’t ended very well.

Stop thinking and just kiss!

Castiel slowly wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck, gasping when he felt that familiar sensation of butterflies fluttering and exploding in the pit of his stomach.   
This was it.  
Dean was his again and was Dean’s. Nothing had ever changed and this is what it was supposed to be. The two of them together and nothing in between. Except there was something in between.

Dean was a little dazed and out of breath, a light blush was coloring his face when he pulled back. Castiel giggled and pressed the sandwiches in Dean’s hands. “The cab is waiting.”  
Dean nodded and stole one more kiss. “I’ll be back for you.”

“Tonight?”

“Tonight.” Dean said softly and smiled, pecking Castiel’s cheek one last time before running out the door and hopping in the car. Off to his wife…

Castiel felt his heart sink in a little when he thought about that. He had never really stopped loving Dean. He had simply occupied himself enough to have to think about him. Castiel didn’t want to hold back anymore, but the idea that somebody else was going to be robbed of their happiness, their love, affection because of him made the whole situation bitter sweet.  
He watched as the cab pulled up and drove out of the street. There was a lump in Castiel’s throat that he couldn’t swallow away somehow. His appetite had made place for unsoothable nerves that strangled his stomach and made him feel sick.   
He called his boss and let her know he couldn’t work tonight, she’d call him back when she had figured something out. To Castiel’s surprise she didn’t even ask what it was about this time.  
It was at that moment that Castiel realized he didn’t had Dean’s number, Dean didn’t even have his number. Dean didn’t have his address either. So all Castiel could do was hope that he had taken the trouble to memorize the street at least.

 

Dean had to ring the doorbell. He had either forgotten his keys when he had left the day before or lost them somewhere along the way.  
Ben opened the door and looked up at him with big, scared eyes. 

“Heya, Ben.”

Ben just continued to stare at him and took a step back to let Dean in, still not saying a word. Dean gulped and walked in. He was about to enter a shit storm of epic proportions and it was going to be even worse when he was going to tell her. He mentally prepared himself for the worst and looked at Ben after he closed the door. 

“Where’s your mother?”

Ben pointed to the back of the house and awkwardly walked upstairs, probably to lock himself in his room. That couldn’t be a good sign.  
As if on eggshells, Dean walked through the hallway and the living room, outside he could see Lisa, frantically mowing the lawn. That’s how she dealt with stress, she would go outside and tire herself until she had no choice but to go to bed. Especially when Dean wasn’t around. He could already feel the guilt eating him up from the inside.  
He took a deep breath and opened the back door.

As soon as Lisa heard the screeching of the hinges her head snapped towards Dean. His face darkened and her eyes said it all. She was furious to say the least. Dean was already opening his mouth, ready to apologize, but Lisa beat him to it.

“We need to talk.” She said bluntly and left the lawnmower to be. Dean nodded modestly and moved out of the way when Lisa stormed inside, passive aggressively slamming the door behind her and making Dean wince.

“You may want to sit down.” Dean said softly.

“Oh really?” Lisa scowled. “I don’t think so! Because I know exactly what happened last night!” She snarled.

How could she possibly know what happened?

“Do you remember my friend, Maria?”

Dean shook his head.

“Well, she remembered you. She was out and about, bar hopping with her friends when all the sudden she spotted you. In a gay strip club! Drinking yourself to oblivion!”

Dean gulped, he wasn’t prepared. He hadn’t been aware it was a gay strip club, but in his defence, what gay club would organize ladies nights for straight women. He decided to keep his mouth shut, that argument was not going to help his case.

“Dean, you stormed off for no reason, left Ben in tears. I was worried about you! But I couldn’t leave the house because I had to send your friends away.”

He frowned.

“Oh yes, I had organized a surprise party for you! But guess who didn’t come back after an hour? Sam and Amelia came over as well. All the way from Kansas. She’s pregnant by the way. Pregnant, Dean! She shouldn’t be traveling that far in the first place, but they were too happy and wanted to tell you in person. And you-”

“She’s pregnant?” Dean said softly.

Lisa nodded. “Yes, they wanted to surprise you, but you weren’t there. You were too busy downing shots and looking at men! What do you even have to say for yourself?!”

“Okay… Uhm, that’s a lot to process. But this is where you may want to sit down, maybe have a cup of tea… glass of water…”

“Oh dear Lord, you have to be fucking kidding me! There’s more? It get’s worse?!” She shouted and laughed sarcastically. “Alright then, what’s next? Did you ‘see the light’? You found out you’re gay or something?”

Dean just stared back at his wife with big eyes. She already answered her own question.

Lisa gulped. “Oh no.” She mumbled and shook her head. “No no no no no! You have to be kidding me! This is just a joke right? This is you being silly and trying to make me laugh!”

But Dean didn’t laugh. He shook his head and looked at the floor.

“D-did you sleep with someone? Oh my God, you had sex with a guy?! You cheated on me?!”

“What? No! No, I didn’t cheat on you, I swear! Lisa, I-”

“Shut up.”

“It’s not like that, just listen to m-”

He was brutally interrupted by a slap in his face that made his ears ring. “I said shut up!” She cried. “First you just stay away for the whole night, not even bothering to let me know you’re okay, I was worried sick, Dean. I didn’t sleep all night. I went out to look for you, with Sam. But when we got to the club you were gone! And now… What even is this? Are you breaking up with me? Do you want a divorce?”

Dean was still rubbing his burning cheek and just glared at her with his mouth slightly hanging open. Not only was this the first time she’d ever hit him, she had also figured it all out. All by herself.  
Lisa covered her mouth and started to sob. “Did I do something wrong? Was our relationship getting boring? Is that it? Honeymoon days are over so you go looking for a thrill somewhere else?!”

Dean shook his head and closed his mouth. “No, Lisa. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Then what is it, huh? Something must’ve gone wrong along the way! I thought you loved me, Dean. I know that I love you! You’re the greatest thing that ever happened to me!” She sobbed.

He took a shaky breath and bit his lip, this was harder than he imagined it would be. “I’ve gotta tell you something I should’ve told you a long time ago.”

Lisa finally sat down on the sofa and dragged her hands down her face. “I can’t believe this is happening.”

“Me neither.” Dean mumbled and sat down next to her. “Here’s the thing. Eight years ago, when my dad was still around and we had the ranch, there was a new boy working at the stables and I-... I fell in love with him. We were together for only a couple months and then my dad fired him, because he thought that that he had turned me gay. That bastard threatened to seriously hurt him if he ever came back. I thought I had lost him forever.”

“So you settled for me.” Lisa said softly, her shoulders were shaking from crying.

Dean nodded. “Last night I saw him again. I was so drunk I got sick and he… He took care of me, took me home. I swear nothing else happened I couldn’t do that to you. Lisa, I’m so sorry.”

Lisa held up her hand and shook her head. “Don’t apologize.” She sniffled. “I… I understand, I’m just really upset and I… Dammit, Dean. For six years you made me believe that I was the one.”

“Because you were!”

“Oh stop lying! He was always in the back of your mind, wasn’t he? Whoever he is.”

 

Castiel was nervously pacing around the room, every now and then he’d force himself to sit down and look at the clock only to find that it was just minutes that had passed. It felt like an hour. Dean had left exactly eight hours and thirty seven minutes ago. He was actually supposed to get ready for work right now. He could at least take a shower… for the third time.

Chico rubbed against his leg and meowed for attention, Castiel accepted his request with open arms. Anything to calm himself down. With Chico in his arms he lied down on the bed, putting Chico on his chest. He curled up into a ball, pressing his head against the palm of Castiel’s head, demanding to be pet.  
Dean hadn’t said what time he would be back, it was unpredictable how the whole thing with Lisa would end up and how long it would take.  
As far as Castiel knew they could be having make up sex right now, his stomach turned at the idea. I’d understand though…

Suddenly the doorbell rang. Castiel shot up and Chico practically flew through the air and landed in the middle of the room before scrambling over the wooden floor and rushing under the couch. Castiel didn’t care. He raced to the door and sprinted down the stairs, nearly losing his balance and falling down a couple times.   
He finally reached the front door and pulled it open.

It wasn’t Dean. Girl scouts. 

Castiel bought two boxes of thin mints and retreated to his apartment. Chico had finally stopped hiding under the couch, but he was clearly a little upset with Castiel. In other words, what little fluff was left to calm his sorry ass down was now avoiding and ignoring him at all cost.

It was nearly 10:00 pm when Castiel wanted to just turn off the lights, lock the door and go to sleep. Dean had been away for such a long time. At 11 Castiel was done. He was tired from stressing out and cleaning the bathroom twice in a row and he was just done.  
He was about to turn of the lights when the doorbell rang again. Trying not to get his hopes up, Castiel went downstairs and opened the door.

Dean was standing on the sidewalk with a duffle bag resting on his shoulder. He looked like shot. His left cheekbone was slightly bruised and his eyes were puffy and red. That couldn’t be much good.

“I got lost.” He said softly and chuckled. “And I can’t remember where I parked the car.”

Castiel took Dean’s bag off his shoulder and placed it on the floor in the hallway before pulling him in and wrapping his arms around his neck, holding him close. Dean buried his face in the crook of Castiel neck and sighed.

“We’ll find the car tomorrow.” Castiel whispered and kissed the side of Dean’s head. He wanted to tell him that from now on it was only gonna get better, but Castiel knew better than to test his luck. “Let’s get upstairs. Are you hungry?” 

Dean nodded, still not lifting his head from Castiel’s shoulder. “Starving, actually. Apparently women aren’t too keen on cooking dinner after you break up with them.” Dean said softly. Castiel couldn’t help but chuckle softly. “I still have some chicken soup we can heat up. I would offer you thin mints, but I eat my nerves away these days.”

Dean finally pulled back. He was smiling, but those green eyes told a different story. “I’d love some soup.”

Castiel picked up the duffle bag and swung it over his shoulder. “Let’s go then, before we catch a cold.” He said and used his free hand to grab hold of Dean’s, squeezing gently and walking up the stairs with him.

They ate some soup and fell asleep with the TV still on. Somewhere during the night Castiel woke up and nearly fell out of bed when he noticed there was someone next to him… Actually half on top of him and holding onto him like a freaking octopus.   
He felt a burst of butterflies in his stomach, rising to his chest and he cuddled closer to Dean. He just looked at him for a while until he fell asleep again.


	21. Epilogue

Castiel stomped the snow off his boots and opened the door. Warm air and the smell of gingerbread wafted in his face. He shivered a little and quickly entered the kitchen, closing the door behind him. He put his coat over the back of one of the bar stools and glanced into the oven to make sure nothing was burning.  
Dean was grumbling and cursing in the livingroom and Castiel chuckled. “Dean, are you okay?” He asked as he walked into the livingroom.

Dean was kneeling in front of the fireplace, his hands were covered in soot and ashes. “I can’t get that stupid fire going and I’m freezing!”

Castiel sighed. “Did the boiler stop working again?”

Dean nodded and stood up, dusting his hands off to his worn out jeans. “Sometimes I can’t stand this place!” He grumbled.

Castiel rolled his eyes walked to Dean, cupping his face. “But it’s our place. It’s everything we wished for and more. Besides… There are more ways to stay warm.” He smirked.

Dean didn’t smile, though. He could be so stubborn, but it was what Castiel loved about him so much. He loved to crack him open and melt him down whenever he was having another grumpy episode.

“And why don’t you fix that thing yourself? You can fix anything!”

“I fix cars, Cas… I don’t fix everything.”

Castiel raised his eyebrows and pouted. “But… You fixed me. I thought I was your everything.”

And there it was, that cocky grin that made him look like he was 26 again. That silly grin that made Castiel’s mouth go dry and his knees weak.

“How are the horses?”

“They’re all fed, I gave them body cloths and Casper got his medicine. I’m gonna have to go back later to make sure he didn’t spit it out again.”

Dean kissed Castiel’s lips and smiled. “Great! So… How were you planning on staying warm? Cause I don’t think anybody would be crazy enough to drive out to this place with snow falling like it does right now."  
Castiel grinned and pressed his mouth to Dean’s as he started to back him up against the wall.

 

It was the tough winters like this one they still had to get used to. After years of living in San Francisco the switch to Mount Laguna had been rather extreme. Moving from the big city to the middle of nowhere was a big change, but they simply had to get away from everything. It was clear they weren’t made for life in a metropolitan. They were made for the countryside, peace and quiet. Nature all around and lots of space and privacy.  
Sam had moved to San Diego after breaking up with Amelia. It had turned out she had been cheating on him from the beginning of their relationship and the baby wasn’t even his. Sam was heartbroken and needed space. Dean’s divorce with Lisa was finalized a couple weeks after and Dean and Cas decided it was time for a new start as well. They moved to the south and bought a little ranch in the mountains. It already had two horses that Castiel fell in love with instantly, so they decided to buy them as well. They were called C’est Moi and Winston, two American Paint geldings. C’est Moi was white with brown and Winston white with black. During the summer and spring Dean and Castiel would take them out for riding in the mountains. Occasionally they’d bring their fishing gear and camp out near the river.

Castiel had secretly been looking for a third horse. The barn had room for three more horses, but Dean thought that two horses and a cat were enough. He said that maybe they’d adopt a dog some day, but that didn’t keep Castiel from combing through the internet, searching for a potential buddy for C’est Moi and Winston. He never really pulled through with any horse he found. Until he spotted a white horse with bits of brown scattered over its hide and stark blue eyes…

It was Casper. After all those years he had turned into a beautiful, big stallion. He had been used for barrel racing and the owners had decided he deserved a nice new home where he could take it easy and rest. Castiel and Dean traveled all the way to Toronto to buy him and take him home. Dean didn’t stop crying for an entire day and refused to leave the barn, he was overjoyed to have his “little boy” back by his side.

The first winter had been awful. Dean had spent weeks preparing for their first Christmas together again. One week before Christmas Sam called. Ellen had contacted him.  
Bobby wasn’t doing good and she was worried about him. Very worried.  
The three of them flew out to Kansas two days later.

 

Robert Steven Singer died in the evening of December 22nd.

Sam and Dean Winchester were by his side.

 

Sam and Dean were broken. Sam blamed himself because he left Bobby alone with the farm. But Dean comforted him with the knowledge that he had many people looking after him and making sure he took his meds. Nick and Ash had been great helps.  
Bobby was an old man and years of hard work hadn’t been kind to his heart. His stubbornness was going to kill him one way or another and the boys were grateful that they could be there with him during his last days.

Sam stayed with Dean and Castiel for a couple weeks until both men felt a bit better. He came to visit every weekend after that. San Diego was only an hour away from Mount Laguna when the traffic wasn’t too bad.  
The weekly visits suddenly stopped the following summer. Sam had met a new girl and they were simply inseparable.  
Jessica Moore turned out to be the girl of his dreams and they moved in together at the end of September.

The sweet turned sour in October. Castiel got sick and they were afraid the cancer was back. He had been feeling listless for weeks and when he started to have trouble breathing and began coughing up blood Dean freaked out.  
It turned out to be a bad case of pneumonia and it took nearly seven weeks until he was completely recovered.

 

But there they were, two weeks away from Christmas, living in a beautiful house in Mount Laguna, kissing and grinding against each other like there was no tomorrow.

 

The bad moon was slowly sinking away behind the horizon. Castiel’s curse seemed to have been lifted and the universe finally granted them the love that they both deserve. Castiel was finally happy. Truly, fully, genuinely happy and he knew that nothing could ever take that away from him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For my very special thank you note, please click [this link](https://youtu.be/trhExNIJMe4) <3

**Author's Note:**

> Like what you read? Please leave me some kudos? I love dem kudos!
> 
> You can also stalk me on Tumblr at platypussgirl.tumblr.com


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